Bind Our Loving Souls (12 page)

Beside me, Enock picked up the notebook and
opened it to the first page. “Can you read that?” I asked him,
looking at the strange symbols scrawled all over it.

“It’s Anvilayan.”

I laid the paper down. “What does it
say?”

“It’s a journal about a woman named Camilla.”
He began flipping through the book, scanning each page for a few
seconds. “It was written by the son of a master of the house many
generations ago. He fell in love with a human. His parents forbid
him from having anything to do with her, but it doesn’t sound like
she was interested in him, anyway.” His eyes crumpled in
disapproval as he read. “It must have driven him insane when she
agreed to marry one of the other servants, because he locked her up
in here and forced her to act like she loved him. He took her free
will away…”

Enock stopped to read some more, allowing me
time to take a few cautious steps toward the little cage. The
protruding forehead was huge and the way his jaw hung open made it
look like the thing had died screaming.

“February first, seventeen o’ two, the
darkest day of my life,” Enock began reading out loud. “Our child
was born today. It was male, just as I had hoped. But beyond that,
I can only describe it as an abomination. Born after six months of
pregnancy, and bearing no resemblance to human nor Anvilayan, it is
like a son of the devil himself, if such a being does exist. It cut
itself from the womb with murder in its heart, killing my beloved
Camilla. I wanted to save her, but it would have meant taking her
mortal wounds upon myself and leaving her to raise this cursed
being alone. While dying would have been far less painful than
living without her, leaving her to raise this fiend by herself
would have been cruel and unfair.

“Never again will I hold her in my arms.
Never will I hear her utter sweet words of love or sing me softly
to sleep. I cannot even offer her a proper burial. Her memory has
been erased from any human who has ever known her. No Halvandor
knows she is missing. I cannot risk taking her from this room and
having my great offense exposed. Of course, it will hurt far too
much to return and see her in the heart-wrenching state she lies
now. So when I finish my record, I say my final farewell to the
greatest and only true joy of my life. I will take all of her
things to burn or to keep, and close this room that has served as a
retreat for heads-of-house-to-be forever.

“As for the abomination, it will be left to
die with the mother whom it killed. It has not ceased to cry and
writhe in agony since the moment it entered this world. This should
have been the greatest day of my life, becoming a father to a son I
share with the woman I love. But instead, I now have nothing but
loss and pain, which is exactly what the child will be left with.
Let it rot. It is a far better death than it deserves.

“I will find a way to keep this from
happening again. No one should ever know this pain. Human and
Anvilayan must never mix in this way. When I leave this room, I
will seal it so that it can only be opened by the hand of a human
and Anvilayan who are truly in love. I would prefer my secret be
kept forever, but this way if anyone is ever foolish enough to make
my mistake, they may see the enormous cost it will have and end it.
So if someone is reading this, I implore you to heed my warning. I
know that love is a never-ending thing, but it is far better to
suffer severance than to know you caused your beloved’s death.
Trust me, and please, let each other go.”

Enock looked up at me. “That’s it.”

“I thought Anvilayans and humans couldn’t be
together because of the killing at the old dance hall.”

“That’s just a tale the servants pass down to
each other. The Halvandors created it a long time ago to scare them
enough to prevent them from ever letting this sort of thing happen.
Halvandors on earth are simply raised to know better. Perhaps in
truth, it all started because of this.”

“But he said he would keep the secret
forever, and this is ten times scarier than that story. Why would
they bother to make up the other one?”

“I don’t know. Maybe that story changed over
time. Maybe it actually happened and
we’re
the ones with
incorrect information. It’s been centuries, so I really can’t
say.”

“Well…regardless, this happened.” I looked
around the gruesome room and then back to Enock. “What if it
happens to us?”

“It won’t. We cannot bind ourselves to one
another, so I don’t think we have to worry about children.”

No children. Ever. There was so much I hadn’t
thought about. I wasn’t dying to have children or anything, but
everything I’d just heard and seen scared me. I mean, it really
scared me.

“Can we leave?” I asked, wishing I’d never
come here.

“All right.”

Enock set the journal down and took my hand
before leading me up the stairs. I shivered and looked back at the
manor when we emerged. Enock shut the door, causing it to click and
bang noisily again. Then he quickly spread dirt back over it.

“Would you like to go back to my room?” Enock
asked me.

“No!” Standing there with Enock, exposed to
the world, was already scaring me. The idea of going back to his
room was terrifying. After seeing Camilla, all the danger we were
risking suddenly felt much too real. “I’m tired, so I think I’d
rather go to my room and lie down.”

Enock nodded with a look of uneasiness and
wrapped his arms around me, lifting me before he leaned over and
raced us both back to my room. Then he slid my window open so I
could climb in.

Once he was inside, he shut the window and
turned to me to say, “You should know, the child they had—the
problems may not have only been caused by the fact that she was
human and he was Anvilayan. It is almost unheard of for two
Anvilayans to become intimate before being bound to one another.
Without that connection, the desire for intimacy isn’t present,
only an overwhelming love and desire to be bound together, to spend
forever together. Usually, only madness would drive a man to force
himself on a woman, and any child that is born will always arrive
with extensive defects. Without that binding, something always goes
wrong. The process isn’t complete. Everything in that cellar is
madness, so please do not let it trouble your mind.”

It wasn’t that simple, though. What I saw
terrified me. If the wrong person found out about Enock and me,
something far worse could happen. So when Enock reached out to
touch my face, I flinched, too afraid to take any chances at that
moment.

“I’m sorry.” I went to sit on my bed. “I
really am tired,” I lied, wanting nothing more than for him to
leave.

“I could stay with you,” Enock said, “at
least until you fall asleep.”

“I’ll be all right,” I lied again.

Enock gazed at my hands. “I’d give anything
to know what you’re thinking.” He smiled weakly, but it disappeared
as I climbed under my blanket and hid them.

“I’m only thinking of how tired I am.” I laid
my head down and shut my eyes, fighting back tears.

I felt his breath just before his lips
pressed against my forehead. “I love you, Sarafina,” he murmured,
“with all my heart and with all that I am.” Then he crossed my room
soundlessly and left through the window.

That night, I cried and suffered the greatest
pain of my entire life.

Chapter
Eleven

I woke up easily the next morning, but barely
sat up before the agony hit me like a ton of bricks. And suddenly I
was hugging my blanket against my eyes and gasping through heavy
sobs. I’d pushed Enock away the night before and I would have to
continue doing it.

I didn’t want to die. I didn’t even want to
be there.

But I did want Enock. I loved him the way he
said,
with all my heart and with all that I am.
I’d never
felt this way about any other guy. I’d never felt or even dreamed
of the intensity of the feelings he gave me. It wasn’t the kind of
thing you can ever forget.

I just couldn’t stop picturing the woman’s
skeleton I’d seen the night before, her ribs broken and dangling at
her side. With every passing hour, I felt surer and more afraid
that it would be far worse for me if Enock’s family found out about
us. And at that moment, the fear was worse than the pain, but both
were unbearable.

Some time passed before I heard the side door
open and Helena walk in. “Morning,” she said as I pulled my pillow
over my head and fought to control my emotional meltdown. “Are you
feeling ill?” she asked when I sniffled.

That was it. I would play sick and stay in
bed all day. Maybe I would just stay there forever, in fact,
wasting away. “Yeah, I don’t think I’ll make it to breakfast.”

My bed shifted as she sat on it. “You were
out late again last night. Perhaps that’s what is getting you so
sick. You should probably try going to bed earlier tonight.”

I felt my face crumble, still hidden beneath
the covers.

“Do you want me to get you anything?” Helena
asked.

“No, you probably shouldn’t be anywhere near
me or you could get sick, too.”

“You know,” Helena began as she stood up,
“the Halvandors have a way of healing us when we’re extremely ill.
It would take a fair few of them, but if you feel bad enough, Enock
and a couple of others could take care of you.”

That was the last thing I needed. “I’ll be
fine.” It was difficult to keep my voice and breathing steady and I
really just wished she would go away.

“I’ll check on you later then.” I heard the
door to the hallway scrape open.

“You don’t have to,” I responded. “I’ll be
okay.”

“I don’t mind.”

And then the door was shut and I was left to
cry my heart out once again.

More time passed. I can’t say how much,
because my sense of time was shot. Then I heard something
scratching at my window. I felt my fingers trembling.
Please
don’t be Enock. Please be Enock
,
my desires fought as I
dared to peak out of the covers. It was the fox, scratching at my
window and peering in at me. It wanted me to come outside, I knew,
but I shook my head before burying it in the blankets again to
continue crying.

Helena brought me food and water a few times
during the day, trying to talk to me in each instance, but I faked
sleep and left the food untouched.

I wanted to go home. I wanted to crawl up in
my own bed to cry and watch movies with Jo Hanna. But more than
anything, I wanted Enock. I was just so afraid.

The pain and anger over everything was
exhausting. And sometime later in the day, I fell fast asleep. It
was a deep sleep, the sort where you can smell and taste and feel
everything just like it’s real. Enock and I were dancing in the
woods. Then we stopped and he asked me to bind myself to him. I
agreed and it felt amazing, like bathing in watery fire.

I felt good when I woke up. Every part of my
body was completely relaxed. I even climbed out of my bed and went
to poke at the fire before the pain hit me again, this time more
like a freight train. I sat down right on the floor and sucked in a
painful breath. That was when I began to think about why a fire was
lit. It was dark and probably cold outside. I’d missed playing at
dinner and might be in big trouble. No one had talked to me about
whether I was allowed to miss a night or not because of illness.
Suddenly, I was terrified again.

The assurance I’d always felt that Enock
would protect me had vanished, because I’d finally woken up to the
fact that he was my greatest threat. Not him, but being anywhere
near him.

What am I doing here?
Everything was
so confusing. It was all too much. I couldn’t stay here anymore.
But I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know who to turn to.

Helena was all I could think of. So I stood
up and went to open our connecting door. It was so loud, I only
opened it enough to stick my head in and see her lying in her bed
asleep. It was even later than I thought.

Doing my best to push the fear away, I tried
to think of how to fix this. I couldn’t stay there, waiting for
someone to come yell at me for not showing up at dinner, or worse.
I couldn’t lie in my bed forever, feeling this bad. I needed to
leave.
Now.
And if the timing was right, maybe I
could.

I pulled Helena’s door shut, changed into
real
clothes, and put my cell phone and charger into my
jean’s pocket. I didn’t have much of a plan, just to climb out of
my window and run in the direction of the town Enock had carried me
to. Or try to ride a horse there, perhaps. I would simply have to
hope I reached it or a place with cell phone reception before
anyone realized I was gone. My cell had been turned off since I got
there, so it still had enough charge to call my dad and figure
things out.

Carefully, I got down on the floor in front
of my vanity and crawled around my bed toward the window. If
someone was out there, I didn’t want to be seen. When I reached my
window, I sat up slowly and pulled my curtains back just enough to
see the blue and yellow lights streaking like mad across the dark
night. The Halvandors must have all just woken up. Enock had shown
me how ravenous Anvilayans are after a “long night’s sleep.”

The streaks became more of a bunch of blurs
as my eyes began to water. I wanted out so badly, and I’d really
thought I just might make it. But now I would have to wait for a
whole other excruciating day, because once they were awake, all the
edges of Halvandor grounds were being watched at all times. There
would be no escape.

The blue light getting bigger and closer
shook me from my feelings of despair and entrapment. I watched it
for another couple of seconds as it just kept getting bigger. A
blue-eyed Halvandor was coming right for me.