Bittersweet (19 page)

The
knowledge, the sudden realization, was so crushing that Zoe momentarily
couldn’t breathe. She scrambled up to a sitting position and leaned her head
over between her legs, taking pained breaths and trying desperately not to cry.

She
didn’t really succeed. Sobs ripped up through her throat, but she tried to
stifle them. Adam was awake now, and she couldn’t bear to hurt him.

“Zoe?”
Adam asked, his voice sounding cautious but more natural than she’d heard him
all evening. Whatever effects of the alcohol he’d suffered earlier had
dissipated now. He was himself again. “Are you all right?”

She
wasn’t all right. It felt like Josh had died again. And she’d just enjoyed a
clumsy, adolescent grope with his cousin.

“Yeah,”
she managed to say. Her vision was blurry and her chest hurt so badly she might
suffocate.

She
felt his hand on her back. “Take a full breath,” he murmured, unexpectedly
gentle, “Slowly.”

Zoe
tried. When it didn’t work, she almost choked. Then she tried again.

“Good,”
Adam said, when she’d managed a long, shaky breath. “Again.”

She
took another full breath and felt her chest unclamp. She could breathe again.
“Thanks,” she mumbled, now embarrassed on top of everything else. “I’m okay
now.”

They
sat side by side on the leather couch in Adam’s study for a long time in
silence. Then finally he slanted her a sideways look, his expression composed,
all of that brewing passion held back beneath the layer of composure again.
“Did I ruin everything?”

Touched
by what the question revealed, Zoe replied hurriedly, “No! No, of course not.
It’s not ruined. And it wasn’t just you. I’m just as much to blame for what
happened. We just…we just…”

The
truth was she wasn’t exactly sure what they had done.

Despite
her desperate desire to hide, she made herself meet his eyes. “Obviously
there’s an attraction between us. And I guess it just kind of…got out of
control.”

“Something
like that.”

“But
you’re too important to me and Logan to lose, just because things happened that
shouldn’t have happened. So everything won’t be ruined. It can’t be.”

Adam’s
eyes were utterly sober as he asked, “You’re sure what happened shouldn’t have
happened?”

“I
don’t know. I don’t think so. But I just don’t know.”

“I
know you don’t.”

It
would be nice to know exactly what Adam was thinking at the moment. He was a
closed book again, which was even more frustrating after the way he’d been open
and vulnerable earlier. But Zoe was too scared and confused to try to pry into
his feelings, when her own were so overwhelming at the moment.

“Adam,”
she began, her voice breaking. She had no idea what to say, no idea even how to
think through what had happened and what it could possibly mean.

“We
don’t have to figure it all out now,” Adam interrupted softly. “Neither of us
intended for it to happen. If I’d been thinking clearly, I never would have…the
timing was…very wrong. If we both agree our relationship can survive it, then
we don’t have to figure it all out right now.”

The
words were like a lifeline for Zoe, but it seemed almost too good to be true. “But
we can’t just ignore it.”

“We
won’t ignore it. But I’m not sure either of us is in the condition to make a
good decision on this right now. So we can give it a little time and thought
and return to it later.”

He
seemed calm, controlled, extraordinarily Adam-like—particularly given how
uncontrolled he’d been with her before. She still vividly remembered the feel
of his body as he climaxed, the sight of his face, twisted in helpless
pleasure.

“You
think we can get through this and be all right?” she asked, some of her fear
evident in her voice. “I don’t want to lose you, Adam.”

He
reached over and put a hand on her knee. “You won’t lose me, Zoe. Not unless
you want me gone.”

“I
won’t,” she promised, her voice cracking as she realized he genuinely thought
that was a possibility. “Even if it’s weird between us, I’ll never want you
gone.” She reached over and kissed him on the cheek, comforting him in the way
she’d tried to earlier, before everything had gotten out of control.

He
gave a brief nod, his shoulders just a little stiff. “Good. Me either.” He
glanced at his watch and continued, his voice changing, “I’m sure you want to
get home and shower before you go pick up Logan. So why don’t we talk about
this later?”

Maybe
it was the easy way out. Maybe she was being a coward. But she took the door he
offered her. She stood up, feeling a little dizzy and unsteady. And she did her
best to straighten her disheveled clothes.

Adam
did the same. He looked even worse than she did.

“I’ll
call you later,” she said, wanting him to know that she wasn’t going to close
him out, no matter how tempting it was to hide in a dark hole.

“Good.
We can talk then.”

So
Zoe left Adam’s apartment, and she was sure everyone she saw—Carson, the
doorman, the driver Adam called up to take her home—assumed that her rumpled
clothes, messy hair, flushed cheeks, and slightly swollen lips meant Adam had
given her a very good time.

If
she was honest, she would have to admit he had. Her body still felt wonderfully
good—deliciously sated after two good orgasms and still tingling in all the
places he’d pleasured her.

But
it wasn’t what it must look like. She and Adam could never just have a wild
night and have it mean nothing.

She
wasn’t a fool. It meant something. She knew that.

She
just didn’t know what it meant.

Zoe didn’t have
a good day.

She
tried to sleep for an hour or so, but she couldn’t do anything but toss and
turn and worry about what had happened between her and Adam. She had to go to
work later that morning, and she managed to muddle through it well enough,
since she had long practice in functioning without much sleep.

But
at lunchtime she gave herself a little lecture about not being a coward, and
she made herself call Adam to get the first awkward conversation over with.

It
wasn’t as bad as she’d feared. Adam sounded busy and a little distracted, but
they agreed he would come over to her place for dinner after work.

She
spent most of the afternoon rehearsing what she would say to Adam, how she
could smooth over the tension that had developed between them.

She
dreaded the long, difficult conversation she was sure was waiting for them.

It
ended up being nothing of the kind. Adam arrived around six and by mutual,
silent consent they talked casually and naturally as they fixed dinner and ate
with Logan. Then, when they’d cleaned up and set Logan up with his blocks on
the floor and his favorite music playing, hopefully drowning out their
conversation, they sat down in the living area—Zoe on the couch and Adam in Josh’s
favorite leather chair.

“Well,”
Zoe began, feeling the knot in her belly tighten.

“Yeah,”
Adam repeated, his eyes resting on her face with that characteristic careful
expression.

Determined
to get it over with, she blurted out, “I…I’m not sure I’m ready for another
relationship yet.”

She
spun her wedding band on her finger nervously.

Adam
nodded, not a flicker of expression on his face. “I understand that. It’s barely
been a year.”

It
would actually be a year next week. Zoe couldn’t believe so much time had gone
by since Josh’s death.

A
lot of people were ready to move on after a year.

She
didn’t know why she wasn’t.

“And
when you
are
ready for a relationship?” Adam prompted, very softly, as
if he were going out of his way not to apply any pressure on her.

Zoe
appreciated it, but it also made her feel incredibly guilty. “I don’t know. I
know we’re attracted to each other. At least…”

“I
think the attraction is a given.”

“And
I hope you know how much I care about you.”

“But?”

“It
just feels wrong to pursue anything. Doesn't it feel wrong to you?”

“No.
It really doesn’t. There’s nothing wrong with our getting together.”

“I
know that. It’s just…” She trailed off, not capable of describing why a
relationship with Adam somehow felt off-limits to her. Taboo.

Instead,
she went on, “Besides, we can’t jeopardize the relationship we have now. You’re
too important to me. And if this…this attraction didn’t work out, then we
might…we might lose it.”

“I
agree we can’t lose what we have.”

“So
you don’t want to start something with me?” Her cheeks burned, which was
absolutely ridiculous. “It sounded like, from what you said last night, that
you’d been waiting…that you’d wanted…”

“I’ve
been attracted to you for a while,” Adam explained, his expression still calm
but his voice a little stiff. “And I think it might be worth pursuing this. But
I had drunk too much last night, and I don’t want you to place too much significance
on what I might have said.”

Zoe
felt a rush of relief. She hated—
hated
—the idea of Adam waiting for her
for so long,
longing
for her. But maybe it wasn’t as intense as it had
sounded. “Okay. That’s good.”

She
sat in silence and stared down at her hands for a full minute. “I don’t know, Adam.
I’m confused. And kind of scared.”

“I
know you are.” There was something almost poignant in his voice, but then he
cleared his throat and said more naturally, “My timing last night was very
bad—it shouldn’t have happened the way it did. I should have done better.”

“No,”
she objected immediately. “It’s wasn’t your fault.”

He
shrugged off her defense of him. “Either way, we’re not ready to move into that
kind of relationship right now. I knew that. I was just…” He didn’t finish that
thought. “Why don’t we go on for the time being the way we were before? We can
admit that we’re attracted to each other without acting on it. If you get to
the point where you would like to reconsider or if it’s getting in the way of
our friendship, then we can return to this discussion. But I’m not sure we’re
at the place right now to make any final decisions about it.”

Another
wave of relief washed over her. Things wouldn't seem quite as frightening or
overwhelming if she wasn’t weighed down with the pressure of making such a huge
decision immediately. But it seemed too good to be true. “Are you sure, Adam? I
can’t stand for you to want something from me that I can’t give you.”

Adam’s
eyes met hers without wavering. “You don’t have to worry about me, Zoe.”

“But
I don’t want for you to be unhappy.”

“I’m
not unhappy.” When she started to object again, he spoke over her, emotion
twisting on his features for the first time, “Zoe, I’m telling you the truth.
For the last year…” His voice broke, an obvious sign that whatever he was
trying to express was incredibly hard for him to say. “For the last year, I’ve
felt like I’ve had family again. A real family. Do you have any idea how long
it’s been since I’ve felt that way? I swear to you—I’m not unhappy.”

Zoe
had to turn away, her eyes burning and her throat closing up.

He
reached out and put a hand on her knee. “Zoe, please don’t cry. I can’t stand
it.”

“I’m
not,” she lied, her shoulders shaking and her eyes squeezed shut. After a
moment, however, she controlled herself. She got up and reached out to pull Adam
into a hug.

For
just a moment, Adam held her so tightly she could barely breathe.

She
couldn’t lose him. Whatever happened between them, there was absolutely no way
she could lose him.

And
she also knew that he couldn’t lose her either.

*
* *

Almost two weeks
later, Zoe gazed around at the master bedroom of her new house. She wouldn't
close on the house until the following week, but she’d gone over to make some
plans about furniture arrangement and prepare for any purchases she would need
to make.

The
new house had a lot more rooms than her loft apartment, so she would need to
get more furniture to fill it.

“My
bedroom stuff would look terrible in here,” Zoe finally concluded, staring at
the gorgeous antique ivory wallpaper on the accent wall.

“Yes,”
Adam agreed. “It would.”

Zoe
and Josh had picked out their bedroom set just before they’d gotten married. Zoe
liked it, but the black leather upholstered headboard and sleek modern lines
would be a jarring contrast to the traditional architecture and soft tones of
her new bedroom. “I hate to just get rid of it. It’s still in really good
condition.”

It
also reminded her very deeply of Josh.