Bittersweet (8 page)

She’d
always thought the leashed power was purely the force of his intellect.  But it
was more than that. She sensed it now. It was physical as well.

Zoe
was deeply aware of it, watching Adam at the helm of the boat with the sun
burnishing his hair and skin into gold. He was a
man
. A powerful man. An
attractive, compelling man.

Something
in her gut clenched as she watched him, something instinctive in her responding
to the physicality she sensed in Adam.

She
swallowed and glanced away from him, feeling like she’d been caught doing
something wrong. She wasn’t used to thinking of Adam as an attractive
man—certainly not feeling that visceral pull toward him.

Shaking
her head hard, she let the breeze blow the remnants of that odd feeling away.
When she felt normal again, she turned back to look at him.

He
was watching her with a slightly quizzical smile. “All right?”

“Yeah,”
she told him with a casual smile, doing her best not to look self-conscious. He
would probably be shocked and troubled if he knew what she’d just been
thinking.  “It’s been a really nice day. I’m almost sorry it’s over.”

“You
can come out with me again. Whenever you want.”

Adam
had melted into her life for the last three months. Their shared grief had done
a lot to ease the worst of the pain from Josh’s death. He was a friend. Almost
like family. She felt close to him in a lot of ways, but she’d never thought of
him as a complete person.

And,
staring out at the quiet lake, its placid surface hiding its depth, she
realized their friendship couldn’t continue as it was forever.

What
had been necessary for the first few months might not be for the best—for
either one of them—for very much longer.

*
* *

Zoe woke up
early the next morning when Logan started to cry. He was just hungry, so she
nursed him and then put him back to bed.

Then
she got back into bed too.

She
usually used this time to exercise and shower, but she didn’t feel much like it
this morning. In fact, she felt lazy and a little depressed.

That
moment the day before when she felt that weird pull of attraction to Adam had
rattled her more than she would have expected.

Adam
was an attractive man, and she was a normal woman—so she knew it wasn’t unnatural
or entirely out of the blue to have the thought pass through her mind.

But
she couldn’t think about Adam that way. It was just wrong in so many ways. It made
her feel sick and guilty, and it ruined everything safe and comfortable she’d
had in her friendship with him.

When
her phone rang, she picked it up and looked at the name.

Adam.

For
a moment, she let it ring, not feeling up to talking to him right now.

But
then she felt guilty. Adam had been nothing but kind to her, and he didn’t
deserve for her to ignore him, no matter how weird she felt.

So
she picked up and said, “Hey.”

“Good
morning. I didn’t wake you up, did I?”

“No.
I woke up earlier to feed Logan.”

“Are
you sure?”

“Yeah.
I just felt lazy, so I got back in bed. But I wasn’t asleep.”

“Ah.
That must explain it.” It sounded like there was a smile in his voice. “How’s
Logan?”

She
knew his question was genuine. He’d warmed up to Logan a lot in the last few
months, and Logan obviously adored his Uncle Lala—the name Adam seemed to be
stuck with. “He’s fine. I think Mom must have played with him all day
yesterday. The poor little fellow is exhausted.”

Adam
chuckled, and for some reason the sound of it made Zoe’s chest hurt. His laugh
just then sounded a little bit like Josh’s.

But
Adam wasn’t Josh, and he never could be.

Adam
must have said something, but Zoe totally missed it. There was a pregnant
silence and then Adam prompted, “Zoe?”

“I’m
sorry—what did you say?”

“Is
everything all right?”

“Sure.”

“You
were kind of quiet on the way home yesterday. Are you sure you’re all right?”

“Of
course,” she said again, starting to get a little annoyed that he was pushing
this. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I
don’t know.”

“Why
did you call, anyway?” It wasn’t unusual for Adam to call, but he always had
something particular to ask or tell her. He never called just to chat.

“Oh,
yeah. The Moscow Ballet is in town next weekend. I was wondering if you wanted
to go on Friday.” The invitation was friendly, casual. No expectations or
implications.

Zoe
understood all of that, and two days ago she would have accepted without
hesitation. She did a lot of things with Adam, and she always appreciated the
chance to get out of the house and do something with adults.

But
now she couldn’t stop thinking that it would look kind of like a date. It
didn’t matter that a date was the last thing on Adam’s mind—she obviously knew
he hadn’t dreamed of anything romantic in his invitation—but it would still
look that way to other people.

After
her odd moment the day before, she was afraid it would feel that way.

And
there was absolutely no way she could go on a date with Adam.

“Oh,
I’m sorry. I can’t,” she said, managing to sound light and natural.

 “Oh.”
Adam’s voice sounded a little surprised.  “You already have plans?”

“Yeah.”

He
didn’t answer immediately, and she knew what the silence meant. He was holding
himself back from asking the next question, the obvious question.

She
prayed he wouldn’t ask what her plans were. She didn’t want to lie to him, but
she couldn’t go to the ballet with him and she couldn’t tell him why not.

“The
whole weekend is sold out. I could try to get tickets for Saturday instead—”

“Oh,
no,” she interrupted, feeling a flare of anxiety. “There’s no need to rearrange
all your plans. Why don’t you just find yourself a gorgeous date to take who
you could suitably impress with the best seats in the place?” Her voice was
teasing, and she really hoped he’d take it that way.

She
assumed Adam dated. She wasn’t actually aware of anyone he dated, and she'd
never really had any interest in knowing details. But he was a virile, very
eligible man, so she never doubted he’d have a line out the door of potential
dates.

She
didn’t like the idea of women he might date.  She didn’t like it so much that
she felt that sick churn in her stomach, telling her that things just weren’t
right.

“I
can find someone to take, if you really can’t go.” Adam sounded still confused
and a little distant.

“Yeah.
Why don’t you? Thanks for asking, though.”

“Sure.
Of course.” There was a pause, as if he were again keeping himself from asking
what he wanted to ask. “I’ll let you get back to your morning.”

“Thanks
again for yesterday,” Zoe said, afraid she’d hurt his feelings.

She
didn’t want to hurt his feelings. She just didn’t know what else to do.

“No
problem. Talk to you later.”

When
she hung up, Zoe wondered if she’d messed things up again.

She
should have done better. She should have realized that she was leaning too much
on Adam, using him to replace the companionship she’d lost with Josh.

He
wouldn’t know why she was pulling back now. He might think she was rejecting
him.

Zoe
wanted to redo the phone conversation. She wanted to redo the last three
months.

She
wanted to be friends with Adam without any complications. She wanted to be safe
and comfortable with him again.

Mostly,
she just wanted her husband back.

Zoe stared up at
the auto mechanic with his scraggly beard and greasy ball cap. “You’re kidding
me,” she said, feeling a drop in her gut at the estimate he’d just given her.

“Sorry,
ma’am,” he replied, not looking particularly sorry at all. “That’s what it
comes to. You need to get all this done before we can get you safely on your
way.”

Zoe
stared down at the piece of paper he handed her, on which was listed all of the
repairs that evidently needed to be made to her vehicle. She was fairly
ignorant about cars, so she didn’t recognize half of the words on the page, and
the rest of them blurred together as frustration and discouragement overwhelmed
her.

She
and Logan had left that morning to drive out to visit Nora, one of her college
friends, who lived in a small town a few hours away. She’d been wanting to
catch up with her anyway, and she needed something to do that evening since
she’d told Adam she couldn't attend the ballet because she already had plans.

Zoe
had never liked the enormous, black SUV—it made her feel like she was driving
around a tank or a house. But Josh had picked it out. Josh had loved it. And
she hardly ever drove anyway, so it hadn’t seemed worth the trouble of swapping
it out for a smaller car.

She’d
been less than an hour outside of the city when an indicator light signaled that
her engine was overheating, so she’d stopped at the first town she came to and
pulled into the only full-service gas station.

“It
seems kind of high,” she said. “What exactly is wrong with it?”

Logan
was sitting on her lap, fortunately not screaming or crying. Zoe hated the
cramped, dirty sitting area of the gas station and the strong smell of
gasoline. And she hated that damned huge SUV—particularly since it decided to
break down at the most inconvenient of times. And she hated having to deal with
car maintenance problems, since auto mechanics so often talked down to her and
made her feel like an idiot. And she had no clear way to prevent being taken
advantage of.

She
felt stupid and helpless and overly emotional.

And
she couldn’t help but think that, if Josh hadn’t died, she wouldn’t have to
deal with this kind of situation on her own.

The
mechanic rambled out a mostly incoherent explanation of the problem with her
vehicle, and she didn’t know if he was trying to make it confusing on purpose
or if the needed repairs were genuinely that convoluted.

She
was greatly relieved when a car pulled up outside and the driver laid on the
horn, so the mechanic—with a promise to return quickly—headed outside to deal
with the new customer.

Zoe
pulled out her phone and tried to call Dan, Jane’s husband, who knew all about
cars. When he didn’t answer, she disconnected with a sigh. She scrolled down to
Adam’s number and almost hit send, but she stopped herself just in time. For
the last week, ever since she’d gone sailing with him, she’d been trying to
create just enough distance between them—not enough so he would notice, but
enough that she could feel more comfortable with the way things were between
them.

She
wanted Josh so bad she could taste it. Her chest hurt with it. It just didn’t
seem fair that she had to try to get over the grief of losing him and also deal
with all of these annoying life issues all by herself.

She
stared back down at the estimate. The easiest thing would be to just pay it,
have her car fixed, and get on her way. It wasn’t like she couldn’t afford it.

But
she really hated to be taken advantage of.

She
wished she knew whether or not she was.

As
she tried to read through the list of repairs, she recognized something. The
page said she needed a new air filter, but she knew something about that was
off. They tried to get her to replace the filter every time she got her oil
changed, and she’d just gotten a new one not long ago.

Surely
she wouldn’t need another new one already.

She
looked over the list again, seeing if she could recognize anything else. A
couple of months ago, she’d taken the SUV in for scheduled maintenance, and
some of these other things on the list looked awfully familiar.

But
she couldn’t be sure unless she checked the glove compartment, where she kept
all the service records.

Holding
Logan on her hip, she stood up and went over to look into the garage. The
gigantic SUV was up on a lift, and a mechanic—not the one she'd been speaking
to before—was working on another car.

“Excuse
me,” she called, “I’m sorry, but I need to get into my car. Can you lower it
please?”

“Sorry.
We’re in the middle of working on it. You'll have to wait.”

Zoe’s
back stiffened. “Actually, you’re
not
working on it, since I haven’t
approved any work yet. And I need to get into it
now
. Please.”

The
man started to lower the SUV.

“Cah!”
Logan cried ecstatically, pointing at their big SUV as it descended to the
floor of the garage. “Cah!”

“Yes,
that’s our car. We can’t get into it quite yet.”