Bittersweet (10 page)

“I
am. I’m sorry.” They both sat in silence for a minute, and the only sound in
the room was Logan chatting happily and incomprehensibly to his blocks. Then
finally Zoe asked, “You don’t think I’m taking advantage of you, do you?”

“What?”
Adam’s face wasn’t frozen and unreadable anymore. It reflected palpable shock.
“How would you have taken advantage of me?”

“I
don’t know. I was just wondering. You’ve really helped me to get through these
last months, and I feel like I was relying on you too much for…for help and
company, so I wouldn’t miss Josh so much. I just started to get worried about
it.”

The
shock on Adam’s face slowly transformed into focused concentration. He stared
at her for a long time, appearing to begin speaking several times before he
actually did.

When
he spoke at last, it wasn’t what she was expecting. “You haven’t taken
advantage of me any more than I’ve taken advantage of you.”

 “What
do you mean?”

He
gave a half-shrug. At first, she thought the vague gesture would be his
response, but eventually he muttered a few words. “I’ve missed him too.”

It
wasn’t much of an answer, but it was enough. Zoe understood. She might have
been depending on him a lot for the last few months, but he’d been depending on
her too.

And
that was actually nice to know. What they had provided each other wasn’t
one-sided.

She
still believed she’d been trying to fit him into a neat little box in her
mind—making him what she needed rather than what he truly was—but she could
work on that. She could do better.

They
were friends. They were like family. And she didn’t have to pull back. It
wasn’t like she was going to start to think about him lustfully or romantically
or inappropriately. A passing thought was simply that.

A
passing thought.

“Sorry
if I was being silly,” she said, giving him a sheepish smile.

He
gave another shrug—this one paired with an uplift of his mouth. “So we’re
good?”

“Yeah.”
Her smile brightened as she realized all the awkwardness could be over now.
“We’re good.”

He
nodded, a look she recognized as satisfaction on his face.

“So
how was the ballet?” she asked, deciding she could now legitimately change the
subject to something lighter.

“Good.
It was good.”

“And
your date? How did that go?” She gave him a teasing smile, deciding that this
would be a good way to treat him like a whole man and also get past that brief
weirdness she’d felt on the boat. If they were really friends, then she could
ask him about his dating life. “Was this the first time you’d gone out with
her?”

“Yes.
It was fine.”

“Who
is she? What is she like?”

Adam
let out a breath and gave her a resigned look. “She’s the daughter of a
business acquaintance of mine. She’s a nice girl.”

Zoe
rolled her eyes, a little annoyed but not surprised by his reticence to share.
“How old is she?”

“In
her twenties.”

“Where
exactly in her twenties?”

He
didn’t answer.

“I
guess that means she’s pretty young. Does she know how aged you are?” She let
out a teasing laugh when she saw his look of exaggerated impatience. “All
right,” she went on, her voice rippling with amusement. “Assuming she knows, do
you think you’ll ask her out again?”

“Am
I to understand that my social life is now something else for which I may be
mocked by you?”

“Not
mocked!” she corrected, leaning over to pat him fondly on the knee. “Teased.
Remember the difference.”

Adam
slouched down in the leather chair. “Mocking and teasing feel remarkably
similar to me. What exactly is the difference?”

“You
tease people you like.”

Her
answer seemed to surprise him because his wry expression transformed suddenly
into a smile. She smiled back. A look of warmth and understanding passed
between them that settled something uncertain in her heart.

They
both jerked in surprise when Logan, who’d rediscovered his Wheely Bug, wobbled
over and ended up crashing it into Adam’s feet. Logan stared up at Adam in
indignation.

“My
apologies if my feet were in the way. Although, in all honesty, you’re the one
who crashed into me,” Adam said gravely.

Logan
babbled a response, starting with “Buga Buga”—his word for his Wheely Bug—and
ending with “Lala.”

Adam
nodded. “I see. I will endeavor to place my feet more considerately in the
future.”

While
obviously Logan couldn’t have understood much of what Adam had said, something
in his uncle’s expression must have pleased him. Because he gave Adam’s knee a
quick, tight hug.

Zoe
had been chuckling over the little altercation, but she caught a brief flicker
of response in Adam’s eyes before it was hidden behind a layer of composure.

The
flicker of expression surprised her. And touched her deeply.

It
seemed incredible to her—absolutely incomprehensible—that Adam Peterson,
favored son of a privileged family, king of a trivia game empire, with a
brilliant mind that left other minds in the dust, should love her wobbly
ten-month-old son.

But
she knew without doubt that he did.

***

Zoe stared down
at her rings.

She’d
been getting ready for bed that night, feeling restless and at loose ends, when
she happened to glance down at her left hand and noticed them there—the diamond
engagement ring and her gold wedding band.

The
sight made her feel heavy, kind of sick.

It
had been over four months. It was probably time for her to take them off.

With
a shaky breath, she slipped off the rings, one after the other. Then she went
to the desk and found the little leather box that Josh had kept with random
tokens of his feelings for her.

She
put the rings in the box. Stared down at the way they gleamed in the artificial
light for a minute.

Then
she made herself shut the box and stick it back in the desk drawer.

She
felt heavier, sicker, when she walked into the bedroom, checked to make sure
Logan was still sleeping, and then crawled into bed.

She
lay awake for a long time.

After
about an hour, she sat up in a rush, almost choking as sobs rose up in her
chest, in her throat.

She
stumbled out of bed and ran out of the bedroom and over to the desk. Then she yanked
open the desk drawer. Grabbed the leather box.

Fumbled
in the dark until she laid her hand on the rings.

Tears
streamed down her cheeks—there was no way she could stop them—but she could
breathe again when she slipped the rings back on.

“Are you sure
you’re going to be all right?” Zoe asked, with just a trace of anxiety.

Adam
gave her a faintly impatient look. “Of course, we’ll be all right. Logan knows
me. And you’re just going to be gone for a few hours. I’m sure I’ll manage to
muddle through the babysitting duties.”

She
snickered at the irony in his tone as she checked and rechecked the little
bowls of food and the sippy cups she’d prepared for Logan earlier. “Everything
he needs for supper is right here.”

“I
know that. You’ve already rehearsed his schedule with me, Zoe. We’ll be fine.”

She
tried to be reasonable and not go over for a third time everything Adam needed
to know for an evening with Logan. She’d left Logan with babysitters before but,
for some reason, leaving Logan with Adam made her a lot more nervous.

She
never would have asked Adam to stay with Logan while she went to a friend’s
birthday party. Zoe had simply mentioned her plans, and he’d volunteered himself
for the evening.

Zoe
had accepted, of course. She and Adam had been getting along well for the last
several weeks, ever since their conversation about their relationship that had
cleared the air and eased her concerns. She figured Adam wanted to spend some
more time with his nephew, but the idea made her anxious for reasons she
couldn’t really pinpoint.

She
wasn’t sure if she was more anxious for Logan or for Adam.

“Right,”
she said, in response to his pointed assurance. “I know you’ll be fine. You
know where the diapers are, right? And I pulled out his favorite toys, so you
wouldn’t have trouble finding something to entertain him. He usually goes to
sleep—"

“Zoe,”
Adam interrupted, arching his eyebrows with an expression she recognized as
half-amusement, half-frustration, “I know all of this. And you also wrote it
all down for me. Are you really so nervous about leaving him with me?”

“I
know you’ll take good care of him. That’s not what I’m worried about.”

“So
what
are
you worried about?”

“I
just want you both to have a good time.”

“We’ll
do our best.” He stepped over to where Logan was sitting in his highchair,
playing with his steering wheel. Adam ruffled the boy’s soft, brown hair. “You
and your friends have a good time this evening.”

“Thanks.”
She reached over and squeezed Adam’s forearm and then walked over to check
herself out in the framed mirror in the entryway.

She
wore a deep-blue, sleeveless shift dress, a cashmere wrap, and new shoes—patent
leather Mary Janes in a flesh color with four-inch heels and contrast-piping
trim, the first pair of shoes she’d bought in months. She’d put her hair up in
a French twist and wore the pearl and platinum jewelry Josh had given her on
their third anniversary. For the first time in ages, she actually felt pretty.

“You
look great,” Adam said, as if he’d read her mind.

She
whirled around and was shocked to feel her cheeks grow hot. “Thanks. It’s kind
of fun to dress up again.”

“You
should do it more often.”

There
was an odd resonance to his voice that she couldn’t quite interpret, but she
realized he was trying to be friendly and encourage her. So she smiled at him
appreciatively, giving herself a silent lecture over how silly it was to feel
so self-conscious over nothing.

Then
she picked up her purse. “I’ll have my phone on vibrate, if you need to contact
me about anything.”

Adam
rolled his eyes and gestured her out of her own apartment. With a teasing grin,
she kissed Logan and told him to have fun with Uncle Lala. This earned her a
happy giggle from Logan and an under-the-breath mutter from Adam.

Zoe
was still laughing when she walked out the door.

*
* *

It was almost
midnight when she returned.

She’d
had a good time, and Adam hadn’t called at all, so she was hoping things had
gone fine on the home front.

She
was quiet as she entered her apartment, assuming Logan would be asleep. The
first things she saw were Logan’s big blocks littering the entryway. She
smiled, picturing Logan and Adam playing blocks on the floor in front of the
door.

She
put her purse and keys down on the entry table and then glanced into the
kitchen on her right. Her eyebrows shot up when she saw how messy it was.
Logan’s plastic bowls were scattered over the counter, most of them filled with
uneaten food. There were Cheerios on the floor, some flung as far as the
laundry closet. And there was a half-eaten sandwich next to the refrigerator
that had obviously belonged to Adam.

Zoe’s
stomach dropped a little. Adam was just not a slob. In fact, he was rather
meticulous about picking up after himself. He wouldn’t have left a mess like
this in the kitchen unless he was under considerable stress.

Logan
must have been bad.

She
checked the trash can and saw more evidence of this—quite a few paper towels
that had obviously been used to clean up Logan’s food. Zoe knew very well that,
in the midst of his rare but tumultuous temper-fits, Logan would throw his food
all over the floor.

With
a sigh, Zoe walked out into the living area, ready to apologize to Adam for her
son’s misbehavior.

She
jerked to a dead stop in the middle of the floor when her eyes landed on the
sofa.

Logan
was sound asleep in rumpled cotton knit pajamas with trains on them and with
his favorite stuffed dog tucked under one arm.

He
was lying on top of Adam, who was stretched out on the sofa in wrinkled
trousers and a food-stained shirt.

Adam
was as sound asleep as Logan was.

Her
chest ached at the sight, and she stared speechlessly for a long moment.

Even
as she’d gotten to know and like Adam better, she always thought of him as
ultra-competent at everything he did. She’d never seen him fail to do something
well. She’d never seen him with his guard completely let down. She’d never seen
him sleep.