Bittersweet (9 page)

When
she was able to pull out her service records, she gave the mechanic a smile,
although she didn’t much feel like smiling. “Thank you.”

She
went back to her seat in the waiting area and started comparing her records
with the estimate. And she used her smart phone to check a few details in an
online search.

When
the original mechanic returned, she was ready.

Very
calmly, she told him that she didn’t need most of what he’d listed, since she’d
just gotten it done within the last year.

She
took his pen and circled the one thing that seemed legitimate. “If you would
please just do this, I would appreciate it.”

The
mechanic stared at her, and she could swear she saw a glimmer of something akin
to admiration in his eyes. “All right, ma’am. If you want to risk drivin’
without the rest of it done.”

“I
do.”

He
told her it would take a couple of hours, and Zoe resigned herself to the long
wait—pleased that at least she hadn’t let herself be taken advantage of.

It
was nice not to feel quite so helpless.

Although
it would be nicer if Josh was still around.

“When
you get old enough,” Zoe said, trying to keep Logan from pulling on her hair,
“You’re definitely going to learn about car maintenance. And then maybe you can
teach your mommy.”

“Momma,”
Logan said with a smile, as if pleased at the sound of the word.

“Yes,”
Zoe said, leaning forward to kiss his cheek. “That’s right. You’ll have to
teach your momma.”

*
* *

The following
day, around dinner time, Zoe finally made it home again.

She’d
spent the night with Nora and her family, since she hadn’t arrived until
mid-afternoon. It was nice to see her friend and meet her husband and their
four children.

But
Zoe was relieved to be home.

She
was exhausted, not having been able to get much sleep the night before, and she
was stiff from driving. Not only was she out of practice in driving in general,
but she was always tense when driving the SUV, since it never seemed to fit
properly into a lane.

“Maybe
I’ll have to sell the monster,” Zoe said to Logan, whom she’d put on the floor
so he could have some physical activity after being stuck in his car seat for
so long.

Logan
babbled a reply, repeating “Momma” a couple of times. He released a delighted
exclamation when she put his Wheely Bug on the ground. He immediately began to
push it around.

She
sent Adam a text message that simply said, “I’m home,” since he’d asked her to
let him know she’d made it back. Then, before she started to fix dinner, she
turned on a cable news channel so the apartment wouldn’t feel so silent.  Nora’s
place had been constantly loud and active—with so many kids of different ages.

They
were very happy with their small-town life and big family, and Zoe was happy
for them, but the visit had been hard in a way she hadn’t expected.

Every
time she’d seen Nora’s husband play with the kids, hold the new baby, or help Nora
out, it reminded Zoe that Josh would never be there to do the same thing with
her.

And
it hurt. Even after more than four months, it still hurt that she would never
be able to have those experiences with Josh.

Zoe
wanted to talk to someone. She wanted to call Adam. She felt alone and blah and
like she could very easily start to feel sorry for herself.

And
she really didn’t want to do that.

But
she was trying to do better about not depending on Adam unnecessarily. Plus, it
was Saturday night, so he more than likely had a date.

She
knew he’d found someone to go to the ballet with him the night before.

So
she didn’t let herself call. Instead, she fixed a salad and warmed up some of
the soup she’d made a couple of days ago. She cut an avocado for Logan—since that
was his new favorite food, and she put a few slices in a plate with some puffed
baby crackers.

She’d
taken Logan’s hands to help him walk over to the table for supper when the
phone rang.

She
saw it was the doorman before she picked up, but she was still surprised when
he told her that Mr. Peterson was downstairs, wanting to come up.

Feeling
off-stride and confused, Zoe told the doorman to let him up and then held
Logan’s hands as he walked—too quickly for good balance—toward the front door.

She’d
opened the door just as Adam was approaching down the hall.

“Hey,”
she said, “What are you doing here?”

“You
said you were home,” Adam replied, as if that answered her question. He was
dressed casually, in a camp shirt and khakis. “Hi Logan.” Although his tone
didn’t change as he spoke to his ten-month-old nephew, his lips did quirk up in
a smile.

“Lala!”
Logan exclaimed, dropping his mother’s hands in his excitement and promptly
falling down, since he could only walk when she held his hands. “Lala!”

Adam
reached down to help Logan up from his tumble.  “It’s Adam,” he corrected
gently, “Uncle Adam.”

“Cla
Lala!”

Zoe
couldn’t help but chuckle at Adam’s longsuffering expression. “We were just
about to eat dinner. Did you want anything?”

“Sure.”

They
all trooped into the kitchen, where Adam put Logan into the highchair while Zoe
split the salad into two servings and warmed up more soup.

“How
was your trip?” Adam asked, taking two bottles of sparkling water out of the
refrigerator and putting them down at the table, and then finding a bread knife
to cut off a few pieces from the loaf Zoe had bought before she left.

“It
was good. It was nice to see them. They’re doing really well.”

Adam
glanced over his shoulder with that sharp, observant look that always seemed to
see more than it should. “You look tired.”

“I
am,” Zoe admitted, leaning against the counter and pushing her hair back behind
her ears. “It felt like a really long weekend.”

“What
happened?”

“Nothing
happened—not really. Aside from a little car trouble on the way there. But it
just felt really long.”

Helping
her carry the soup and salad to the table, Adam asked, “What car trouble?”

Zoe
sighed, resigning herself to telling the whole story—since he wouldn’t give it
up otherwise. So she explained her engine overheating and what the mechanics
had repaired.

“Nice
job,” Adam said, an appreciative smile on his face, when she finished telling
her tale. “Not everyone would have known the rest of the estimate wasn’t
necessary.”

She
felt like preening a little, but that inclination made her feel silly. So she
arched her eyebrows instead. “Well, I might not have known it either. I always
feel intimidated by car mechanics, and all of what they say just sounds like
gibberish. I even tried to call Dan, but he didn’t have his phone with him.
Fortunately, I happened to have recognized enough to make me wonder.”

She
recognized her mistake a little too late.

“When
you couldn’t reach Dan, why didn’t you call me?” Adam asked, his expression
changing.

Zoe
tried to sound nonchalant. “Right—I was going to drag you out of an important
meeting to give me car advice.” When he started to object, she spoke over it.
“I was fine, Adam. I appreciate your willingness to help, though.”

To
her relief, he let it go with just another sharp look. "You should
probably sell the SUV, since you don't like it. You don't need a car in the
city, and you can always borrow one of my cars if you need to take another road
trip."

Zoe
started to argue—but she recognized she'd be arguing merely for the sake of
arguing, since she was already considering selling the SUV. "I'll think
about it."

That
seemed to have completed the car conversation. As they ate, they spoke idly
when Logan wasn’t insisting on making himself heard.

When
he’d finished his avocado and crackers, he demanded, “Mo! Mo!”

“Do
you want something else to eat?” Zoe asked mildly.

“Yesss.”

He
stretched out the last sound for a long time, obviously pleased when Adam
chuckled.

Zoe
got some soft peach cubes for him to eat.

When
they finished dinner, Adam helped her clean up and then they went into the
living area. Zoe put Logan's big blocks on the floor for him to play with, and
then she collapsed on the couch.

“Why
was the weekend so hard?” Adam asked, lowering himself into the leather chair.
His eyes rested on her face, and there was an obvious question there.

“I
don’t know. It wasn’t bad. I mean, they were great, and it was really nice to
see them. It’s just…it’s just kind of hard to know that I missed out on that
kind of life.

Adam’s
lips parted slightly as he thought about what she’d said. “Yeah. I can see
that.”

“But
I’m not whining. I really try not to whine.”

“Zoe,
don’t be ridiculous. You’re the least whiny person I know.”

“Thanks.
I guess.”

There
was a stretch of silence. Then finally Adam asked, his tone a little diffident,
“So what’s going on?”

Zoe
blinked, a knot of anxiety tightening in her gut. “What do you mean?”

“What’s
going on?  Has something happened?”

She
knew—she
knew
—what he was asking about. She’d been acting differently
with him this week. He was a subtle, insightful man. He must have recognized
it. “Nothing’s happened.”

“So
why are you acting so standoffish with me?”

 “I’m
not being standoffish. Didn’t we just have dinner?”

“Yeah.
After I basically invited myself over.” Adam’s face was calm, just vaguely
impatient. “Tell me what’s going on, Zoe. I made a promise to my cousin, and I
can’t keep it if you insist on pushing me away.”

“I’m
not pushing you away. I’m just making sure we both have enough space.” When his
brow lowered, she could tell he didn’t understand. “I just…I just don’t want
things to get weird between us.”

“You
think things have been weird?”

“No,
no. I just don’t want them to
get
weird.” There was absolutely no way to
explain this without admitting things she couldn’t possibly admit. “You know
how it sometimes gets between men and women when they’re just friends. And with
our relationship, it’s even more important that nothing gets…weird.”

She
felt like a fool after she stammered out the explanation, but Adam seemed to
understand now what she meant.

He
grew very still—almost frozen in a strange way—and he asked slowly, “Do you
think I’ve been trying to make a move on you?”

“No!”
she said, appalled at the idea. “No, of course not! I know you’re not…I know
you don’t…”

Adam
picked up the slack when she trailed off, at a loss for words. “I had
understood that you thought about me almost like family. Was I wrong?”

“No,
you were exactly right. That is how I think about you.” It was. Except for that
moment on the sailboat last weekend—that was precisely how Zoe had thought
about Adam for the last three months.

“So,
if we both understand that, why would things get weird?”

The
way he asked the question was so obvious, so matter-of-fact, that Zoe suddenly
felt silly about her anxiety. He must be right. They were like family. And just
because she had the passing acknowledgment that he was an attractive, virile
man didn’t meant that anything in their relationship necessarily had to change.

Her
cheeks grew a little red at the knowledge that she might have overreacted. “I
guess they wouldn’t. I’m not sure what I was worried about.”

“Are
you not comfortable with my place in yours and Logan’s life?” Adam asked, his
face careful, his tone still rather diffident.

“No!
It’s good. I mean, I’m glad you’re a part of our life. I’m sorry. I guess I
just…” She hated that she kept leaving so many unfinished sentences, but she
couldn’t possibly explain things, couldn’t possibly make Adam understand her
conviction that she needed to keep a little more distance from him.

At
the moment, she couldn’t even understand it herself.

“You
just what?” Adam prompted, still sitting rather stiffly, more motionless than
he normally was.

She
supposed he felt as uncomfortable as she did with this bizarre conversation.

“I’m
a mess,” she finally said, rubbing her face. “Emotionally, I mean. It’s so hard
to try to start my life again with Josh gone. And you’re all wrapped up in that
confusion for me, so I guess I wasn’t thinking as clearly as I should. I do
want you in my life. And definitely in Logan’s. I’m sorry.”

Adam
released a breath. Although there wasn’t any obvious evidence in his body,
something seemed to have relaxed inside him. “Good. If you’re sure.”