Bittersweet (6 page)

Acting
on instinct, she suggested casually, “You can stay for dinner if you want. I'm
not sure what I'll make, and I'm sure it won't be gourmet. But you’re more than
welcome to stay—since you’ve had to hang around here so long.”

Adam
hesitated for a moment. Then said, “All right. Thanks.”

Zoe
didn’t know if she was pleased or not by his agreement. But he was intelligent
and informed and had a dry sense of humor, when he let her see it, and
sometimes it was kind of lonely with just her and Logan in this vast apartment
in the evenings.

For
so many months before Josh had died, her life had been packed with more than
she could handle—going to the hospital, caring for Josh, giving birth, taking
care of a newborn. And now her days seemed so incredibly empty.

As
she went to the refrigerator to see what she had to eat, she had to fight not
to feel sorry for herself.

“Do
you think you’ll want to find a job again?” Adam asked, as if he’d been reading
her mind.

Collecting
peppers, mushrooms, garlic, and an onion, she glanced back over at Adam with a
shrug. “Yeah. I’m sure I will eventually. But it would be really hard to leave
Logan right now. I guess I just need to figure out the right time.” She
released a long sigh. “And find a job I can do.”

“I’m
sure you’d be able to find a job in retail,” Adam said. “Wouldn’t the department
store you used to work for want to take you back?”

“They
might.” She’d been promoted a couple more times—to department manager of
women’s apparel—when she’d had to quit her job several months ago, after Josh
had gotten sick. “But they’ve already replaced me, of course. And they wouldn’t
necessarily have a job opening.”

“With
your experience, I can’t imagine you'd have trouble finding a good position.”

Zoe
smiled at Adam, feeling a little better. It was hard not to be convinced by the
matter-of-fact confidence in his voice. “Maybe.” She pulled out a knife and
offered it to him. “Do you feel like chopping some vegetables?”

Adam
got up willingly, and together they cut up vegetables and made a sauce for the
fresh pasta Zoe had bought that morning. Fortunately, Logan was distracted by
his steering wheel and pleased to have so much activity going on around him, so
he didn’t fuss.

Zoe
had a surprisingly good time, chatting with Adam about idle topics and
admiring—somewhat begrudgingly—his facility in the kitchen. Their sauce ended
up much better because of his suggested additions.

Josh
had always been a frozen pizza or ham sandwich kind of guy when he was left on
his own.

They
ate their salad, pasta, and French bread with some red wine Zoe opened. And
afterwards she fed Logan his favorite banana and pear purée.

By
the time she started picking up the dishes, she was feeling surprisingly
relaxed and comfortable. It had been a long time since she’d enjoyed a simple
meal like this.

Adam
was recounting a story from a few months ago about how an intern at his company
had tried to maneuver her way into getting an exclusive story on him for her
college newspaper. In his warm, dry voice, Adam gave the full narration of her
attempts: first to talk to him “accidentally” in the elevator and the break
room, then to bribe and flatter a couple of employees into sharing information,
and then finally to sneak into his office.

Zoe
assumed Adam must have been somewhat annoyed at the time, but now he was
clearly enjoying the memory of having the girl, cursing them all soundly,
hauled out of his office by security.

“What
did she call you?” Zoe asked, amusement in her voice as she pictured the scene.
She put the plates in the sink and returned to the table for the salad bowls.

Adam
was on his feet now and handed them to her. His voice was rich with irony as he
replied, “An oaf. She actually called me an
oaf
.”

Laughter
rippled out without warning at the sight of his expression—both bemused and
sardonic. And once she started laughing, she couldn’t stop. She managed to get
the bowls into the sink, and then she held onto the counter, nearly bent over
with her amusement.

She
heard Logan giggling behind her from his highchair. He’d always laughed when
she did.

She
hadn’t laughed very much since he’d been born.

Then
it hit Zoe like a sledgehammer. Josh was dead. Her husband was
dead
. And
she was here eating and talking and laughing with his cousin, as if it didn’t
matter.

In
an instant, her laughter transformed into a shock of grief.

Sobs
ripped through her throat, and she brutally tried to suppress them, still
holding onto the edge of the counter, her face twisted in an attempt to control
herself.

She
couldn’t. Her whole body shook with choked sobs.

“Zoe,”
Adam said. His voice was close, as if he’d moved toward her.

She
didn’t turn around—was mortified by the breakdown but couldn’t possibly control
it.

“Zoe,
don’t.”

Her
eyes burning and her throat aching, she managed to turn around and say, “I’m
sorry. I’m fine.”

But
she wasn’t fine. And Adam stood in front of her in a slightly wrinkled suit and
loosened tie, with a stiff and helpless expression on his attractive face, as
if he had absolutely no idea what to do.

She
wasn’t sure how it happened—if she moved or he moved first. But she ended up
sobbing in his arms, her face buried in his jacket.

Adam
didn’t say anything, and she didn’t know if he was trying to comfort her or if
he was trapped in an emotional situation he wanted desperately to escape. But
he held her tightly and let her cry. And he smelled nice—not like Josh but warm
and masculine just the same.

And
he missed Josh too.

To
her relief, the burst of grief worked itself out after just a minute or two.
When she could manage to get herself together, she pulled away from him,
feeling rather foolish. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened.”

“Don’t
worry about it.” He still looked a little stiff, but he scanned her face
closely. “Are you all right?”

“Yeah.”
She pushed her hair back behind her ears and straightened her shoulders. “I was
actually having a decent evening.

She
went over to pick up Logan from the highchair and hugged him against her chest,
taking comfort in his warm body. Then, sniffing the air, she said, “I think I
better go change his diaper. Do you mind?”

“Of
course not.”

As
she carried Logan into the bedroom to change him, she wondered whether Adam was
ready to leave. She should have given him a chance to escape. She couldn’t
imagine he’d want to hang out here for much longer with a stinky baby and a
weepy woman.

When
she changed Logan and carried him back out, she found Adam sitting in Josh’s
favorite leather chair, reading something on his smart phone.

“Sorry
to keep you so long,” she said, lowering herself onto the couch with Logan in
her lap. “I’m sure you just planned to stop by for a few minutes.”

“I
told you,” Adam said, looking up with a vaguely impatient expression she
recognized, “I didn’t have any plans today.”

“Oh.
Okay. Good.” She made a few faces at Logan, who giggled, and then let him stand
up in her lap. “Thanks for hanging out with us.”

He
just gave a half-shrug and didn’t answer.

An
idea hit her suddenly, and she asked the question before she could think it
through. “Did you and Josh talk about more than Byte Tech?”

“What
do you mean?”

“I
mean, when you talked to him before he died, did you talk about more than just
his company?”

Adam
looked away from her.

“Adam,
tell me.”

Logan
babbled out some sounds, a few closely resembling “mama.” She couldn’t tell
whether he connected the sounds to her or not, but she liked to think he did.

Not
letting herself get distracted, she prompted, “Adam?”

“He
asked me to take care of you and Logan.”

It
felt like Zoe’s heart dropped into her gut. “
What
?”

Adam
made a faint gesture with his hands, almost in surrender. “He asked me to take
care of you. Make sure you both were all right.”

“But
why…I didn’t think he…” She trailed off, not wanting to say the words that
might hurt Adam’s feelings.

He
said them. “You didn’t think he trusted me? He didn’t always. Not fully. I was
a Peterson and he never trusted that. But I think he was starting to trust me at
the end.”

It
felt like there was more to say, but Adam had evidently finished. He sat and
stared out the window at the cityscape lit against the evening sky.

Logan
did a few knee bends, laughing as she helped him stand up in her lap.

Zoe
wanted to say something, but she wasn’t sure what to say. She wasn’t even sure
how to feel. Part of her was glad that Josh has resolved things—at least to a
certain extent—with Adam before he died. But she felt weird about his asking Adam
to take care of them.

“Logan
and I are all right,” she said at last. “We don’t need taking care of.”

When
Adam didn’t answer, she was afraid she’d offended him. “Thanks, though,” she
added. “I know Josh would…would appreciate it.”

“What
else would I do?” Adam asked, his voice low and soft.

She
wasn’t quite sure what he meant.

“Josh
was my family,” Adam explained, his eyes not quite meeting hers. “Since my
grandfather died, he was all the family I had left. Of course, I’m going to do
what he wanted me to do.”

Zoe’s
chest ached, for Adam as much as for her. Although his words were bland,
matter-of-fact, something about them sounded as lonely as she felt herself.

Finally,
she said, “He wasn’t all the family you had. Logan is your family.” She turned
Logan around so he could look at Adam. Intrigued by this new game, Logan
babbled and laughed and did a few more knee bends.

Adam’s
mouth turned up at the corner.

“Say
hi to your Uncle Adam,” Zoe said, trying to shift the poignant mood. “That's
your Uncle Adam.”

“Lala,”
Logan babbled, grinning and looking between Zoe and Adam.

Zoe
chuckled. “That’s right. He’s your Uncle Lala.”

“Do
not encourage him,” Adam gritted out, a vaguely appalled expression on his face
as he heard what might become his new name.

Trying
to suppress her giggles, Zoe managed to keep a mostly straight face and said
again, “Uncle Lala.”

“Lala!”
Logan echoed with a huge grin. “Lala!”

Adam
groaned, and Zoe laughed.

Adam
left shortly afterwards, but he seemed to be in a decent mood as he did so. She
was pleased with her attempts to draw him out—especially after he’d been so
good to her.

As
she nursed Logan before bedtime, she decided she was all right with her
connection to Adam. She didn’t like to be anyone’s duty, but she couldn’t help
but respect and appreciate Adam for trying to fulfill Josh’s trust.

She
was actually beginning to like him—something she hadn’t felt in five years.

Zoe laid her
paperback down on the seat beside her, deciding the bench was dry enough to not
get the pages wet. She adjusted her sunglasses and stared out at the gently
rippling water of the lake.

All
she could see was sky and water. It was a beautiful day—the first day of the
year that it had really felt like spring. The sun was warm, although the breeze
was still brisk, and the air felt refreshing and almost light, like the
heaviness of the winter was finally lifting.

Zoe
stretched out on her bench seat, straightening the cushion behind her head. She
felt comfortable, relaxed, and incredibly lazy. And she wasn’t planning to move
for a long time.

They’d
sailed out earlier and dropped anchor in the middle of Lake Pace, the largest
sailing lake in the state. The lake was less than an hour from the city, and it
was too early in the season to be crowded with other boats.

Zoe
had never been sailing before, and now she couldn’t for the life of her figure
out why not. It was so quiet, sunny, and peaceful that she felt like she might
be alone in the world.

She’d
left Logan with her mother, who was visiting for the week and insisted that Zoe
take the day to relax. Although she felt a little guilty for the thought, it
was kind of nice to have a short break from her son.

She
glanced over then to Adam, who lounged on the other bench seat, reading a book.
He wore a white camp shirt, gray trousers, and boat shoes, and he looked
relaxed and affluent—like he was ready to go yachting at a club.

Over
the last few months, he seemed to have shed some of his layers, allowing more
of his real self to come out. He still wasn’t the guy she’d known at the
café—she doubted he would ever be that guy again—but he was closer, and it made
her happy.