Bittersweet Symphony (The Damaged Souls series Book 2) (9 page)

If this was all I ever did for the rest of my life, I would die happy.

Dropping down, unable to keep most of my weight off her, she didn’t complain. Instead she hooked her leg over my mine, one arm wrapped around my neck as her fingers brushed lightly through the hair at the back of my head.

“Well,” she muttered, still a little breathless.

“Well,” I chuckled, feeling the same way. My heart thundered within my chest, racing as it struggled to find its normal rhythm.

“That was . . .” Caylee paused, trying to find the appropriate word.

“Amazing,” I blurted out, lifting enough so I could see her face again. Resting my forehead against hers, I mumbled a quick apology for cussing. Just because I had the mouth of a Marine, didn’t mean I had to repeatedly expose her to it.

Treat her like a lady, son
, my mom had counseled over and over growing up. Some things stuck—this was one of them.

“Hey, you were right.” Caylee’s mouth puckered and I kissed her lips. “That was fucking amazing.” She giggled softly, faintly.

I swear she surprised me like no other person.

Chuckling at how cute she sounded dropping the f-bomb, the movement sent heat straight into my groin, my cock hardening.

She must’ve felt it because the satiated look Caylee had just been wearing melted away—leaving behind a look that could’ve blistered me had it been actual flames.

She was as insatiable as I was.

Another thing I loved about her.

“I love you.” The admission slipped freely from me. I was done feeling guilty every time I thought and said it.

Caylee peered up at me, a dreamy expression making her eyelids heavy. “I love you, too.” In one long caress, she trailed her fingernail up and down the side of my body, leaving a trail of fire in its wake. “I’d love you more if we can do that again, though.” She had the audacity to wink at me—like she was challenging me to a dual. “Just saying.”

“Well, considering I have a hard time saying no to you . . .”

There was no need to finish my sentence. Instead I let my body do the talking—for the rest of the night.

It was like I said before . . . I was a slave to her.

Whether I admitted it out loud was another thing, but for right now, I loved every damn second of it.

Chapter Ten

Caylee

“Uh, Caylee?”

Rebecca’s voice came to me as though through a tunnel—distant and faint—and for a moment, I almost didn’t catch her calling my name.

Sure enough, my roommate was standing there, arms crossed over her chest when I looked up from my textbook. Something told me she’d been trying to get my attention for a while.

With a sheepish smile, I slid a bookmark to save my page and closed my psychology book. I wasn’t really reading it anyway. My mind was a million miles away.

“Sorry, I guess the role of space cadet is being played by me today.” I added a soft chuckle at the end, knowing my comment was an understatement. I’d spent the past few hours rereading the same paragraph over and over again. The only part I remembered was the first word . . .
the
.

I’d like to say I was busy being whisked away in some fanciful daydream, maybe reliving last night with Cooper—the sequence of images on repeat—but while I was thinking about him, it wasn’t good.

No, we’d screwed up big time and I’d been agonizing over it every minute since waking this morning.

“I came in to see if you wanted anything for lunch. I grabbed some groceries earlier and there’s all the fixings for my spectacular Rebecca’s Monster Mouthful in the fridge.”

Any other occasion and my mouth would’ve watered at the mention of her deliciously decadent turkey, ham, bacon, three kinds of cheese, avocado, salad sandwich with a healthy dollop of mustard, mayonnaise, and BBQ sauce, of all things. There was another ingredient that eluded me . . . sliced apples . . . but the idea of even smelling it made my stomach turn and gurgle in displeasure.

Nothing appealed right now.

“But something tells me my gourmet-awesomeness would be wasted on you at the moment.” With a wrinkled brow, her gaze unapologetically studying me, Rebecca wasted no time in crossing the room to come drop beside me on the couch. “Spill. Something’s bothering you.”

I’d been desperate to talk, but no matter how many times I opened my mouth to respond, nothing came out—at least nothing recognizable. I must’ve looked like a startled fish, sitting there with my lips flapping, because the furrow creasing Rebecca’s forehead deepened.

In the end, all I could do was stare at her with wide eyes . . . that and burst into tears.

I was a freaking mess.

“Shit, Caylee. What’s going on? Did something happen back home? School?” With each addition, I shook my head, still struggling to find the words I’d fixated on all day. It didn’t take her long to mention the source of my problem. “Is it Cooper?” My hands trembled and a strangled sob escaped. “What the hell did he do?”

Any other time, I’d have laughed over how overly protective she was—how quick she was to threaten a severe ass kicking. Unfortunately, a few choice words and gestures at bodily harm wouldn’t solve this.

With each passing second I was convinced I’d lost him.

How the hell did everything fall apart so quickly?

“I—I . . . we—we . . .” It was almost cringe-worthy how completely incapable of forming a sentence I was. Drawing in a fortifying breath, I tried again. “Everything was perfect. We had the most amazing night together.” My skin flushed, the only telltale sign that I was referring to sex. Unlike Rebecca, I wasn’t as vocal about my exploits. “And then this morning—” Each word came out in jagged spurts, my worry and fear translating into more sobs.

Placing her arm around me, Rebecca sat quietly, giving me the space to gather my thoughts and pull myself together. The only occasion she’d ever seen me fall apart like this was that first time we talked about Owen and when I’d read her my scholarship essay.

It was the reason I refused to watch
The Fault In Our Stars
. Ugly crying was a private thing—reserved to the sanctuary of my bed as I curled up under my covers.

There was no judgment in her eyes when I eventually glanced up. It’s what gave me the courage to give my trepidation voice.

“We forgot to use a condom,” I blurted out. The instant it was out—a sense of strange relief flooded me. Rebecca would help me work through this. Fingers crossed she also had advice on how the hell I could broach it with Cooper without him turning around and walking away.

For the man who hadn’t even wanted our friendship to begin with—there was no denying the paralyzing, sinking feeling that this might be the nail in the coffin for him.

Flirting was fine.

Sex was amazing.

Dating was manageable.

Throw in the possibility of a baby? Most guys would leave behind smoking skid marks in their mad dash sprint to escape.

“Oh, shit,” was the only response Rebecca offered, squeezing my hand with her free one. “And I’m guessing Cooper freaked out?”

It made me feel a little guilty that both our first reactions were that he wouldn’t be able to handle it—acting instead like a commitment phobic asshole that tucked tail and ran when things got messy. It wasn’t because we believed him to be that kind of jerk. We were simply realistic—knowing with his past and baggage, he hated anything that shook his carefully guarded world.

Who the hell was I kidding?

I loathed anything I couldn’t control—evident by how my stomach had been in a constant state of knots, my chest feeling as though a ton of bricks had taken up residence there, slowly crushing my ability to breathe. Throw in a headache from Hell and I was a basket case too, flittering over countless scenarios about how my future might now look.

I made sure to say that, as well. “In all fairness, I don’t know how he’s reacting or even if he’s realized it. I fell asleep last night and when I woke up, he was gone. He’d left a note about calling me later and that he loved me . . . so there is that. I’m the one that’s having a solitary pity party for one here.” Gesturing to my textbook, I snorted. “I thought if I could study, it would help keep me distracted until I had a chance to see him in person, but yeah . . . hours of reading and I can’t remember a damn thing!” Tears threatened to spill again. Biting the inside of my cheek, I chided myself. I needed to keep it together.

Hysterics wouldn’t solve the problem—if there in fact was one.

Who knew? Maybe he’d have the nerves of steel, and I was overreacting over nothing.

“Have you called him? Texted?” I appreciated her calm, matter-of-fact manner. It was the glue holding me together. I dropped my gaze to my lap and shook my head. “Oh, Caylee. Why not?”

The reason why had shown me just how deeply I had fallen in love with the man and how terrified I was of losing him. “What if he leaves, Rebecca? What happens if he decides this is too much drama for him?” My confessions came out in whispers as if I was afraid the walls would take my admissions and shout them from the rooftop.

“First of all, I love you. Second, it was just a condom.” When I coughed, shocked that she was so blasé over something that had shaken me to my core, shedding light on every insecurity I had about my relationship with Cooper, she held her hand up to stop me from replying. “I know, I know. It’s a big deal. That’s not what I meant. Remove your fear and look at the facts. Shit happens all the time, Caylee. We get caught up in the moment. We forget. We drop the ball. But making yourself sick over this isn’t going to resolve it.” She then held up my phone and I blanched—the screen filled with missed texts and calls from Cooper. “And ignoring your boyfriend won’t either.”

“In my defense, I didn’t see those!” I exclaimed, and that was the truth. I’d put it on silence last night and with all the distractions of today, hadn’t switched it back to normal.

Rebecca held onto my cell, not handing it back yet. “Wait a second, let me finish first. You need to call him and have him come over. Then together you’ll work out a plan for the possibilities. Whatever happens, don’t just assume the worst. Have a little faith in him, in yourself, and who you are as a couple. Anyone with eyes can see he freaking adores you. The man was a Marine. The possibility of a baby isn’t the worst thing he’s faced, hun.”

Each word was like a gentle salve to my heart. They were things I’d tried telling myself—a counterbalance to the insanity inside my head that resembled Chicken Little, the bird hell bent on believing the sky was falling.

“I hear what you’re saying and I get it, I really do. And I know I’d be telling you the exact same thing if our roles were reversed.” Wiping my cheeks with the back of my hand, I let out a trembling chuckle. “I pride myself on being strong, in being able to keep a level head during a crisis.”

To which Rebecca let out a
pfft
sound, waving her hand dismissively. “Dude, no offense, but I’ve been praying for you to have a meltdown like this.”

“Gee, thanks. Friend much?” Slowly but surely my heart stopped racing.

“Noooo,” she drawled, rolling her eyes as she bumped against me affectionately. “What I meant was you can’t always have your shit together. It’s called being human. I was beginning to think I was sharing a house with a robot or cyborg or something?”

“Uh, thanks?” Rebecca sure did have a way of saying things.

“You know what I mean, you brat. Just know it’s fine to not be okay over things . . . to be scared and confused. Just don’t suffer alone. Share the wealth. I consider you my best friend . . . my sister-from-another-mister. I’m not just here for my looks, my witty commentary on all the adventures of
Stephen Amell
, or even my dazzling cooking skills. I’m here for you—anytime—no matter what.”

When she glared at me, my lips quivered—message received.

“Thank you,” I whispered and exhaled one long, exhausted, drawn out breath. I already felt immensely better. “Can I have my phone back now?”

“Are you going to use it to call Cooper?” She held it in between us, still gripped tightly in her hand. I wouldn’t put it past her to withhold it until I answered her correctly.

“Yes, Ma’am,” I answered obediently. Now that my common sense had returned, it was the next thing on my list of priorities.

She eyed me cautiously, still not sure. “And if he does freak, we’ll help him through it. Deal?”

I burst into laughter. Man, I loved this girl. I didn’t know how I’d lived life without her in it. “Deal.”

“If who freaks?”

I wasn’t the only one who squeaked, jumping at the sound of Cooper’s voice suddenly appearing. The man needed a damn bell around his neck or something. He had the bad habit of simply showing up at the most unexpected times.

“And that’s my cue to go finish making lunch,” Rebecca answered, stopping long enough to hand over my phone before escaping into the kitchen. The expression of confusion on Cooper’s face was almost comical.

It wasn’t the first time he’d worn it around Rebecca, either.

“Hey,” I murmured.

“Hey.”

He hadn’t moved and I desperately tried not to take that as a sign. On any given day, Cooper was a hard man to read, his ability to hide his emotions behind a well-constructed façade, impeccable. It didn’t stop me from wishing, just once, he’d let it slip somewhat and give me a glimpse at what was happening behind that wall.

It made moments like this infuriating because I was pretty sure everything I was feeling was displayed across my face for all to see and interpret.

“I’m sorry I missed your calls and texts,” I ventured, studying him. Judging from the time, he was probably on his lunch break—still in the casual clothes he wore to work. Dressed in a long-sleeve button up shirt, dusty jeans, and boots, I was surprised he wasn’t hot being so covered up, especially working out in the sun. I’d asked him once about it and he’d answered that it helped protect him from getting burned.

It made sense, but it still had me feeling bad for him.

I hated sweating—almost as much as I loathed the silence now between us.

He knew. The way his eyes never left mine. He knew and the only question now was whether this would end in more tears.

I wasn’t ready to let him go.

“You going to keep standing there?” I joked, trying to infuse the moment with humor and failing abysmally. It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him to go and that I understood, but I didn’t because mingled in all the confusion and hopeless need to make this magically disappear, a new emotion surfaced.

Annoyance—at him and me.

Him, because I wasn’t just someone he could dismiss so easily.

Me, because I refused to let this be the thing that broke me.

I’d survived the death of my husband and the uncertainty of what my life would be without him in it. I’d risen from the proverbial ashes, stronger for having worked my way through that debilitating grief. I’d found love again. The possibility of having a baby was just as scary and unknown to me, yet I was willing to accept whatever the future brought with this new plot twist.

And damn it, Rebecca was right. He was a blasted Marine. He’d faced down the enemy, looked death straight in the eye. Yes, he limped away, barely whole, but I believed in him—in us.

I didn’t want a perfect life.

I wanted one with
him
. No matter how that life was.