Bittersweet (Xcite Romance) (6 page)

Evan slurped at my lips while his fingers did their magic. Stealthily, he slid them past my delicate folds amidst a slippery celebration of his proficient technique, his increasing rhythm making me plead for more.

And then it happened. I was completely assaulted with the realisation that something was wrong.

‘Wait.’ I froze, making sense of the feeling creeping over my skin. ‘Keith ...’ I breathed, almost silently and was pulling on my pants and ripping up the stairs.

It was dark in there with the shades blocking the last bit of dusky light that lingered behind them. When I reached his side, his breathing was even, steady in the presence of my desperation. I watched him, deciding what to do.

Finally, I cupped his shoulder in my hand and gently shook it. ‘Keith?’ His breathing didn’t change in the way I expected as he rocked lifelessly under my now fervent attempts to wake him. ‘EVAN!’

I rode in the ambulance, clutching Keith’s limp hand and wishing that I’d had the chance to say goodbye. The doctor didn’t have to spell it out for me in the emergency room; I knew from the moment I couldn’t wake him. Time was up and he’d drifted into the place from which he would never return.

Evan was right behind us and found me slumped over my knees on a waiting room chair. He sat down and slipped his arm around me. ‘I’m sorry, Sabrina.’ I looked up at him with my face contorted in pain from a searing and unspeakable wound within.

I really couldn’t say anything at first. My mind was churning with images of Keith lying in bed, slipping away from me as Evan and I cavorted in the kitchen. The arm enveloping my shoulders suddenly felt heavy and ill-placed. ‘You know, I think I’d like to be alone.’

Evan removed his arm but remained in his seat. ‘Do you really want that, Sabrina?’

‘Yes, I do.’

‘I’m here for you if you need me. You know that, don’t you?’ He pulled away a bit as he said this, giving me space. I pushed him further.

‘That’s just it, Evan. I don’t want you here,’ I hurled the statement at him like a dagger and instantly regretted it. A nurse looked up from her desk, investigating my elevated tone.

He breathed hard and reflected my twisted expression with his own. ‘Don’t do this. You don’t have to do this.’

‘What the fuck is wrong with you?’ I blurted. ‘I want to be alone!’

‘Fine, as you wish, Sabrina. I don’t want to make things harder for you right now.’ Evan hesitated before getting up, hoping to hear me take back my words. I glanced away in silence instead. ‘How will you get home?’

‘I’ll take a cab,’ I muttered.

‘OK.’ He seemed at a loss. ‘Please let me know if anything changes with Keith,’ he said, and I saw his shadow lean forward once more; perhaps he wanted to kiss me. But the kiss didn’t come. When I looked up, he was already walking away.

Three hours later, they let me in to see Keith and confirmed that it was no longer a mystery when he would drop into a coma. The only clarity needed now was how to find the strength to honour Keith’s one last wish: not to prolong the inevitable. I stayed there by his side for another hour talking to him, yelling at him, crying for him. I said my goodbyes, though they rested on deaf ears. He looked as lovely as ever, laying there with serenity on his face. When finally there was nothing more to say, I dragged myself out of the bedside chair and headed for the reception desk. They were prepared with a number for the local taxi company and I dialled it on my way through the sliding doors leading to the street.

At the curb in his little hatchback was Evan, waiting. I wasn’t sure how to react and couldn’t decide between anger for his blatant disregard for my request, or gratitude that he saw right through me. He helped me with the answer as he climbed out from the driver seat.

‘Sabrina, there’s no way I’m going to let your heart break into pieces without being there to help you find a way to mend the cracks.’ His mouth blew smoky puffs in the evening chill as his chest heaved with determination. He stepped towards me, with hands out and an expression as serious as I’d ever seen. ‘Don’t shut me out, Sabrina. Not when you don’t have to face this alone.’ He was inches from me now, and I was frozen in place as my heart waged war with my conscience.

I stood there in silence, dissecting him with my eyes, peeling away the layers of words and actions of this man that I’d come to know intimately over the past six weeks. Evan had been handpicked by Keith for this very reason, and he was eager to take the position. I let the honest truth rise up from the pile of guilt keeping my arms pinned to my side and set them free around his neck along with a flood of tears. He comforted me with his warm embrace and gentle nuzzles to my face. Then he took my hand and led me to the car.

‘Let me take you home.’

My hand stayed in his the entire ride, holding on tight to the strength he offered. Inside the house was completely dark, save for the blue wash of moonlight. I turned to Evan who stood in the doorway, awaiting my intentions.

‘Stay with me,’ I said.

‘I’m not going anywhere.’

‘No, I mean stay with me, in this house, in my life.’ I took off my coat.

He began to remove his. ‘I said I’m not going anywhere.’

‘Thank you,’ I sighed with a small smile.

‘I wouldn’t be anywhere else but here with you,’ he said and moved closer.

I tried to focus on his face in the dim light. The shadowy outline of his mouth was barely discernable. My fingers floated to his lips, touching there, lightly ahead of my next statement. ‘I have a confession.’ In the dark, I felt like I could speak the words out loud. ‘I need you, Evan.’

‘Why is that a confession?’

‘Because it isn’t like me to admit to needing anything from anyone.’

He took me into his arms, pulling me against his chest. I melted against him and he stroked my hair. ‘You don’t have to hide from me.’

The notion made me smile.

‘Let me get you a glass of wine, and we’ll do whatever you feel like – talk, watch TV to distract you some, whatever you want.’

I bit my lip, betraying the thoughts that came to mind and agreed instead to his placid suggestion. ‘Sure ... TV ...’ As he pulled away, I heard Keith’s voice:
‘This is as simple as we make it.’
Abruptly, I reached for Evan’s hand just as he placed it on the light switch. ‘No, what I really need is to feel you.’

I could see his lips form a gentle smile. ‘I’ll hold you all night, Sabrina, if that’s what you want.’

I shrugged out of the sweatshirt I was wearing and Evan took it from my hand. He could feel me trembling. It wasn’t until I began to ease down my yoga pants that he realised what I was really asking for.

‘Sabrina, we don’t have to do this now. It’s been a long night.’

My voice was shaky. ‘Make love to me, Evan.’

He brushed his lips against my face and could feel the wetness from my tears. ‘You’re hurting, this isn’t about that.’

I tugged on his broad shoulders, longingly, frantically. ‘But it is, Evan. I don’t need to watch TV. I need to make love to you.’ Lurching sobs escorted the words from my lips. ‘I’m crying because I need you so badly it hurts.’

He held me close again and I steadied my breathing. When he kissed me, his eyes were open, studying my reaction. I stared back, internalizing how I felt at their now familiar touch. And it was calm that resulted from the luscious connection of our lips; a sweet sense of peace that flooded me entirely.

Then, I inhaled sharply with a heated rush, different from any I had felt for Evan in the past. These were the smouldering sparks of an enduring bond, the beginning of love. My mouth opened, and my eyes closed as I called for more of him with my tongue. Evan responded with his hands in my hair and his own breathy sigh. The kiss extended into gentle licks and nibbles on my neck and my blood boiled over with desire for him. Keith had given Evan to me for Valentine’s Day. But that night, I gave myself to Evan.

I quietly finished undressing right there in the centre of the hall, while Evan’s gaze never flickered. When at last I was nude, he delivered my skin a slow sweep of his willowy fingers from my cheek, over my collarbone and round my breast; blazing a trail for his mouth. His beautiful cock strained against the fabric of his pants and I reached to feel it grow beneath my flattened palm. As I released his belt, he gently pressed me back against the wall and gathered my legs around his waist. The ease by which he filled me was celebrated with a long moan from both of us. And as he rocked his hips slowly; the slippery delight was experienced anew with every inch. I held on tight, pressing my tongue deeper into his mouth and savouring the sweet perfection of the moment. It was a moment that I wanted to be lost in forever.

The tenderness of his strokes threatened to permanently heal the gash in my heart. In his arms, the dread of my impending loss receded and the promise of a new love ushered me to orgasm. Together we quaked in the power of it, at the explosion of liquid warmth flooding us both.

I took a shaky breath and he released my quivering legs back to the cold wood floor. There was no guilt, only gratitude as I took a moment to linger over his silhouette in the darkened room. ‘Let’s go upstairs,’ I said finally, taking his hand. Huddled together under the weight of a feather down comforter, I sheltered all night in the refuge of his comforting embrace.

Sadly, it was only a few weeks before Keith was taken from me forever. With Evan at my side, I was able to face the horror of burying him. There were no worries over what the neighbours, or his parents or my own parents thought as I clung to him for strength and cried endlessly on his shoulder. The only thing I cared about was what it meant to Keith to provide this precious way forward out of my grief. And I held fast to the look of solace on Evan’s face with the knowledge that his last well-devised plan had been a success.

Shortly after the funeral, I moved into Evan’s modest one-bedroom apartment in the city, selling the house – losses be damned. Everything I thought I knew about love, about myself, was turned upside-down during those wintery days. Three years later, Evan and I are supremely happy – really crazy for each other. To our delight, we are expecting our first child, and there’s a cute little two-bedroom house in the suburbs in our future too. I can’t imagine being without Evan. He is a part of me now, as necessary as breathing.

Still, Valentine’s Day will always be dedicated to my dearest Keith. Rest well, my love.

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