Black Box 86ed (5 page)

CHAPTER…

My heart races as I try to push back tears. She just broke up with her boyfriend and she’s already with someone else? Who does that, and how could I not be a candidate for the new opening? At least a consolation prize? A nice plaque on my wall would be appreciated. “Will, the guy who almost got some,” it’ll say. I could put it on my wall full of my random achievement paraphernalia and it would still kill me inside.

It’s a cool night, no it’s crisp, almost fall like even though it’s the middle of august. The wind is slow but builds up to a gust when it gets the courage.

What if I was in the running? What if I did get the consolation prize? Friends for life, BFFs or some bullshit like that. A friendship Guantanamo and I just volunteered for it.

I turn onto the bike path that parallels the famous Route 66 in all its glory. A road so falling apart that I’d bet they put more money into the signs about how historic it is than they do to maintain it. Lined with pine trees and oaks to the left, they tower over the path blackening out the moon.

It used to be quite terrifying when I was little, riding my bike home from Mike’s house. I remember once when I was nine I just closed my eyes. Like an idiot closed my eyes because it was too dam scary. Shutting them I started pedaling as fast as I could. I ran over something, I’m still not sure what. All I remember is the sound of either a small animal or just my tires squealing, sending me over the handlebars. My mother would have lost it if she saw my head, no helmet bouncing
off the asphalt. Instantly jumping to my feet, to freaked out to even cry, convinced I had fallen into a trap hatched by the evil monsters living in those tress. Leaving my bike I ran the whole way home. Too scared to even look over my shoulder to see whatever it was hell had sent to get me. It’s strange, I remember how defeated I was going into my house. It never occurred to me that I would have to tell my parents I was too scared to bring my bike home. Walking in my dad instantly noticing the littlest amount of blood already dried on my forehead. Taking me into the bathroom he washed off my “owie” as I told him my terrible story. Taking me to his truck we got the bike promising to not tell mom of my humiliating defeat with the boogieman. And here I am ten years later walking to the same house, minus the parents, being just as defeated as I was back then.

Will how is this helping? My brain screams at me. Focus on now, focus on what happened tonight. You’ve done things that will not blow
over;
you have to deal with them. You can run away tonight but tomorrow is a different story.

I try to clear my head. Holding my breath always seems to help. I don’t know why, I guess it feels like I’m so much more centered I suppose. I inhale, pushing my lungs to their tar laced limits, and hold them there. I stop walking, and close my eyes. The wind winding through the treetops. Too high for me to feel, but I can hear it,
flowing through the upper most parts. My heart pounding through my chest. Keeping an alm
ost perfect beat to the wind, m
y own little melody.

How did this happen?

Forget her, she’s just a stupid girl, I console. If she doesn’t see the obvious future you two would have then she doesn’t deserve it.

You can’t just pin this all on her. Technically she is trying to preserve what you to have.

Ya but at the expense of what could be?

Girls are weird
.

Yeah, but not that crazy.

I feel my lungs plead for air, I release in a large gasping breath. Light headed I open my eyes to lights coming from behind me. I turn just in time to watch Grace’s car pass by. Stomping on the breaks she
comes to a complete stop. Hide, Hide
! Every cell in my body screams at once. Not sure why but I listen to them. I turn left running off the path into the woods.

O God she had to of known it was you. Who else is walking around at two in the morning?

But she’s drunk, maybe she won’t remember. If she did see you just think of a lie tomorrow, you can’t talk to her in this condition.

I duck down crawling into a bush, as she slowly comes back, stopping right where I was standing.

“Will?” She yell’s but it sounds like more of a question.

Thank God she’s not positive at least. I lay in silence as she begins to slowly pull away. Picking myself up out of the bushes, an instant blood rush to my head. Nothing’s changed. I’m still that little boy hiding from scary monsters. Albeit monsters with vaginas now, but I guess they can be just as scary. I turn and continue stumbling home.

CHAPTER…

I really haven’t thought about my parents lately. Nothing good ever seemed to come of it. I remember it was sunny that day. The light glairing through my window sending swirling light and dark reds with hints of yellow through my eyelids. My mom doing her weekly routine of begging me to go to church.

Always starting off the same way. A light as inoffencible as possible knock on my door.

“Will, are
you going to church this week?” The words almost whispered through my door.

I remember laying there, cursing her for trying to save my soul. Pausing, waiting for a reply knowing it will never come. The sound of her footsteps through the paper thin walls as she retreats only to comeback a few minutes later. My mother the human alarm clock, complete with snooze and everything. I was already up when she would ask, but there was no way in hell I was going to that God forsaken church of hers. Where there are so many retired old farts that when we have communion half the people can't even kneel down to take it.

Every week it was the same old thing anyways. Please forgive me for being an asshole. Please help me not be an asshole this week. Please let INSERT OLD PERSONS NAME hip surgery go without complications.

Now I know how this may come off, that I do not take church seriously. That I’m a die and go straight to hell atheist. It’s actually quite far from it. I believe there has to be something that started this all. I mean if you can look outside your window and say this was just all by chance than we probably aren’t going to have much to talk about. I don’t have a calculator
but just the shear probability
of such a situation as the one we see ourselves in has to have quite a few zeroes in it. But, I’m no Jesus freak either.

I roll over onto my back the sun’s rays piercing my eyelids through my blinds. God dam it, billions of miles away and yet the sun gets a direct hit every morning.

Something was different that day though. She never came back for round two of getting Will to church. Huh, I shrug in my bed hearing them leave out the front door towards the car. Maybe she was just tired of arguing with me? Who knows they were probably just running late. I roll myself to the side of my bed dropping my feet over the edge. Now that the enemy had left the house I could watch TV in peace. I stumbled out of my room down the hallway into the living room. The TV already on, playing what I like to call the Jesus channel with a note on top. Welcome to church it said with a smiley winky face on it. A smile cracking my lips. God my mom was crazy.

A boisterous black man is on the screen dressed in a black robe. He’s a charismatic guy who obviously practiced saying God in the most over the top, emotionally stirring way possible. And GGGOOOODDDD came down, and GAWD sacrificed himself, And Gaaawwwddd forgives your sinful ways. I quickly changed the channel to news before my soul got saved.

I remember sitting there thinking my parents where later than usual. Than all of a sudden a cop rings my door and life as I knew it ceased to exist. I mean, there I was just a few hours ago pretending to be asleep so I didn’t have to argue with my mother, and now I will never be able to again. It… it’s like nothing was real. That I couldn’t trust my own senses. That what was happening just simply couldn’t be. I had lost them. Not only had I lost them, but I didn’t even consider to try and make an effort to be with them more.

A strong breeze hits my face chilling the tip of my nose, bringing me back to reality. And now look at me. Jealous of my best friend because he was able to get the girl I’ve fawned over for the last year like it was nothing. Just a hey beautiful and she melts in his arms. She melts in his arms and another piece of me melts away.

I feel my mood swinging for the fences as I turn onto my street. It’s all your fault; it’s all your fault Will. You could have saved this, but you didn’t. You just think you’re so dam funny, where’s your sense of humor now, huh? You’re nothing now. Just a loser living in your parents’ old, about to be foreclosed on house, doing nothing with yourself. And when you finally get the balls to make a move it was too late. She was already gone. You’ve lost, in every way possible. Have fun living with yourself.

My blood rising as I slowly go over every stupid thing I’ve said, or done to impress her. I’ve turned myself into a circus act, but I never seemed to realize that nobody fucks the clown. My phone vibrates in my pocket but I ignore it. I know who it is. She’s told you her deepest secrets, she’s seen you at your worst and now all you get is a phone call and what could only be an excuse. I believe the term is call a sure thing, and you couldn’t close; you talked yourself out of every opportunity until it was too late. You did this, it’s nobody’s fault but your own.

I walk up my steps into my house. Slamming the door behind me, I quickly turn to it. Bam, Bam hitting my head against the reinforced wood of the door. BAM, progressively getting harder the door giving almost nothing with each blow as my brain bounces off the front of my skull. Bam, “stupid,” I yell, Bam, bam “stupid,” bam “stupid,” Bam… The room goes dark.

CHAPTER…

Complete blackness engulfs my every sense. No sights, no sounds, no light, nothing to smell, or taste, I feel nothing. What a terrible thing. Void of everything that just a second ago surrounded me. Like the pit I’ve had in my stomach ever since that fucked up day. Finally reaching out, taking over my chest, my heart pumping nothing but emptiness into my arms and legs and worst of all my head. Wait, wait there’s a light. A tiny soft distant spec on what feels like an infinite horizon of nothingness. Slowly it falls to me, growing slightly its light barely reaching past its center, as if the darkness is instantly sucking it away. Finally coming to a rest it flickers just feet from me. Reaching out my cold, shivering fingers wafting through its middle. Huh it’s… it’s like a candle but no stick. A tiny flame floating in midair, I feel its warmth penetrating my chest. Slowly shrinking the void throughout me into tiny little bite size pieces. I stare into its center, it’s quite entrancing. The only thing to see yet I feel no need for anything else. Grabbing for it again, I want it, I need. I want this incredibly fulfilling sight. My hand moving straight though again.

“God dam it fuck you and come here.
”

I swat at it. The flame starts to grow, not in size, but starts to fill the air. Like the dark surroundings have finally been filled, no longer able steal from it. Looking to now fuzzy yet visible surroundings, my eyes adjusting to the light. It’s a room. A very small, very clutter room. Wait, what? I’m in the break room at work I think. Yes it defiantly is. I try and look at the shelves, but everything is an undefined shadow of itself. I know they’re cups and paper bags but I can’t tell what’s written on them, just a blur.

“Hey are you alright?”

A voice echoes from just out of reach of the growing light. My heart jumping into my throat. I can’t see whose talking but I know his voice sounds familiar.

“I’m fine I think, do you know what’s happening?”

The light getting brighter filling almost to the corners of the room.

“Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” He asks again in a soft comforting voice.

“What? I told you I’m fine,” I feel myself starting to get annoyed.

“It’s alright, you can tell me. I’m a good listener.”

“What the hell man I told you I’m fine.” I stand up and turn the corner,

“What’s your problem, maaa…?” My throat caving in on itself. I see two people. I see me more specifically, my arms wrapped around Grace. She’s crying. This looks familiar, I’ve been here before, I think it’s called déjà but this has to be quite a serious case. Wait I know this, her boyfriend just cheated on her, yeah that’s right. She just found out and I’m trying to console her.

“No, Will what are you doing?
Don’t hug her, let her go.”

I watch as Grace’s tears soak into the collar on my shirt.

“You know your deserve better,” he whispers into her ear.

“How could this happen?
Three years and he cheats on me, what did I do?”

“No t
hat’s where you’re wrong Grace.
I know you pretty well don’t I?”

She silently nods.

“Don’t say it. Don’t you fucking say it.
Will, It’s not worth it!”

“Well since I know you so well I have to tell you that you are easily the most amazing, i
ncredible person I’ve ever met.
That even if someone just takes your order at a restaurant the time the get to have you there makes the
m the luckiest person on earth.
If he is too dumb and too blind to see this than y
ou’re better off.
Yo
u need someone worth your time.
Someone that will care abou
t you that will cherish you.
I know you and you are someone to be valued and sought after, to be chased because compared to you the whole world is nothing but an empty shell. A cold dark byproduct of evolution. Don’t let one asshole make you think any differently
.”