Black Thursday (7 page)

I dialed Alan.

To my non-surprise, and also relief, the call went straight to voicemail. The message I left, long and rambling, about how I hoped we'd been of help, how glad I was to assist with anything else, and inquiring as to how he was doing, would have been that much more awkward as a real conversation. Particularly since I tried my hardest not to mention the word
accident
, which had clearly seemed to bother him last night.

I'd just finished dialing him back with an addendum about Mrs. Piggledy's improved condition, since I'd completely forgotten to mention it, when I heard a bedroom door open and the shuffle of footsteps on the upstairs landing.

“Hey,” I said, spotting Eloise on her way down the steps.

“What's up?” she asked, rubbing sleep from her eyes.

“Joyce made breakfast for everyone.”

“So I smell,” she said. “Bacon and eggs?”

“And French toast.”

“It smells really good,” Eloise said, scrunching her nose. “But what secret ingredients did she put in it?”

“I tried not to think about that,” I said, not mentioning the stale bread part. “Everything was delicious though.”

“Weird.”

“Speaking of which,” I said, “I just found out the lady was named Catherine Carter.”

“From last night?”

With my nod, we shared a pained moment of silence.

“So awful,” Eloise finally said. “But why's it weird?”

“It's just that her initials were CC.”

Eloise raised a slightly too thin eyebrow. “Like your batsh— Uh, your crazy stalker CC?”

I nodded.

“But why would Contrary Claire spend months writing nasty posts, say she wasn't coming to Bargain Barn, and then just show up anyway?”

“And then proclaim she's a big fan who wanted her picture taken with me?” I asked. “Really doesn't make sense.”

“Then why even think about it?”

“It's just that Contrary Claire hasn't weighed in yet.”

“Probably because she's blocked,” Eloise said looking over my shoulder at comments popping up on the website.

“But I haven't gotten an email alert that she's even tried,” I said, glancing at my email again. “Not yet, anyway.”

“Isn't her usual MO to comment after one of your blog posts?”

“Huh. Now that you mention it, everything she's written has been in response to something I've put on the website.”

“Which means she probably gets an alert when you post something new.”

“Then she responds accordingly?”

“So to speak,” Eloise said.

“And if she hasn't seen the news yet, she might not think to check the website?”

“Exactly.”

“That has to be it,” I said. “The thing is, I really should post a condolence message to the Carter family and to everyone from the Frugarmy who was affected by last night.”

“Once you do, you know CC is going to have a field day with it.”

“True,” I said, “but I can block any comments that—”

My text alert pinged.

“That's got to be Alan,” I said as I picked up my phone. Then I looked at the message. “Oh dear!”

“Is it her? Eloise asked.

“Almost as bad,” I said. “It's the realtor.”

As in
my
realtor, the one who'd promised that having my extended family in town was no problem since Thanksgiving weekend would be dead where showings were concerned:

I have some potential buyers who are dying to see your house. How does half an hour from now work for you?

nine

Given the number of
people sleeping, lazing, or generally enjoying (and by
enjoying
I mean
making a mess of
) every room in the house, I'd have preferred a message straight from CC's poisoned pen to a text about a rush-rush showing.

Tidying the kitchen after Joyce's brunch extravaganza was a half-hour job alone. Luckily I was able to negotiate a full hour before the realtor would arrive, which turned out to be just enough time to sound the alarm, rouse the teenagers, enlist my weekend lodgers in a mad scramble to pick up their various areas, and get everyone out the door.

We vacated en masse just as the potential buyers pulled up to the house.

As everyone gathered their various belongings, I managed to post a quick note on the blog:

Dearest Frugarmy,

As most of you now know, unforeseen tragedy changed both the mood and the mission last evening at Bargain Barn. I would like to express my sympathy to all of you who were affected and extend my deepest condolences to the friends and family of our fellow Frugarmy member, Catherine Carter.

Much love,

Mrs. Frugalicious

And then I added a small postscript.

P.S. If you know or are friends with Cathy, please feel free to share any memories or comments.

“I still don't see why we all had to leave,” Eloise said as we left the house, echoing the general sentiment—at least from the kids, who'd offered suggestions from
just don't show my room
(Trent) to
we'll stay out of their way by watching the game down in the basement
(FJ) to
why do Uncle Frank and Aunt Maddie have to move out of this awesome house anyway?
(Barb's youngest).

“I told you,” I said, “potential buyers can't relax and picture themselves living in the home if we're there.” I had the women in tow, while the men took off for a local sports bar to watch more football.

“Those buyers had no potential,” Eloise sniffed. “They didn't have a nice enough car to afford to buy the house.”

“You never know,” I said. After all, Frank and I had nice enough cars and couldn't afford to keep the place even if our marriage did have any hope of rising from the ashes.

“If nothing else, this showing was the perfect excuse to get Maddie to teach us how to be extreme couponers,” Joyce said, as we pulled into a parking space at the grocery store.

On the one hand, the last thing I wanted to do was set foot in any store after last night, much less be teaching Joyce and Barb how to coupon on actual Black Friday.
17
On the other, there was nothing like the all-encompassing mathematical distraction of combining discounts, store specials, and little-known promotions to keep my thoughts from racing.

“I'm all about couponing,” Barb said, her tone a little less convincing than her words. “I just wish I'd had a little time to put on some makeup.”

“Tell me about it.” Eloise fidgeted with the ponytail holder she'd had to put in her wet hair in lieu of a blow dry and flat iron. “At least you aren't at risk of running into like everyone you know from high school on the one day you're home looking like—”

“You look beautiful,” Joyce said to Eloise. “A touch of lipstick and you're runway material.”

Eloise rolled her eyes but smiled.

“We'll keep this on the down low as much as possible,” I said, not relishing being seen in my own less-than-stunning ensemble of hot pink velour sweats and baseball cap. “And today I'll only be able to show you a few basics to get you started.”

“I'm ready!” Joyce said, reviewing the printout I'd given them of a blog I'd written a few months back about coupon clipping for beginners:

You don't have to be an extreme couponer to save 25–50% on groceries. Just follow the simple tips below and your grocery bill won't feel so much like a mortgage payment.

—88% of all coupons issued can be found in weekend circulars, so pick up extra copies of the Sunday paper and use them!

—Clip coupons in multiples, but only on products you'll actually use or can get for less than zero by combining store specials with other offers. Remember, if you end up throwing a product out (or don't donate it to a worthy cause like a food bank), you've wasted money.

—Organize your coupons in a file by product type and expiration date.

—Before you set foot in a grocery store, research national and local online couponing sites that help keep track of where your coupons match up with the best sales. You can also download apps and get digital coupons on your smartphone.

—Know how much the items you buy most frequently cost when they are on sale. Create a price bible to make notes on the best pricing and keep it with you when you shop so you can stock up when prices are cheap.

—If you aren't brand loyal on a particular item, try store brands. They cost less.

—Use those store loyalty cards! If you do, you'll not only save money, but stores share info with marketers who will pass along savings opportunities targeted specifically to your shopping habits.

Grabbing my coupon binder and price bible, I led Joyce, Barb, and Eloise toward the store and through the automatic front doors.

“Where should we start?” Barb asked.

Even though I didn't usually set foot into a grocery store on Fridays
18
and certainly not without having done my research, I'd come up with something of a plan for Barb, Joyce, and Eloise on the fly.

“Okay,” I said, leading them over to the shopping carts. “If you're going to be a couponer, you have to not only be willing to change the way you shop, but the way you eat and plan meals.”

Barb scrunched her nose. “Meaning what?”

“No more afternoon runs to pick up something interesting for dinner.”

“I hate going to the store hungry, so I always plan ahead and shop for the week,” Barb said.

“That's a start, but do you shop by what you feeling like eating or what's on special?”

“What I feel like having, I guess.”

“That's a no-no too. So is that huge monthly trip to the local wholesale club for a giant jar of relish that will sit in the refrigerator uneaten for the next five years.”

“We always go through the snack chips and the bottled waters I buy there, though.”

“At a four-thousand-percent mark-up?”

Barb looked incredulous. “What?”

“Bottled water by the case can wind up costing you more per unit than gas for the car because it takes about five bottles of water just to make the
plastic
for one bottle. You're better off purchasing a filter and drinking water out of a glass.”

“We eat out almost all of the time,” Joyce said. “So I don't waste money on almost any of that kind of stuff.”

“Dining out is, by far, the least cost-effective way to eat,”
19
I said, although in her case, there was also a food palatability cost/benefit analysis to be considered as well. “If you want to save big on your food bill, not only should you mostly cook at home, but buy according to what's on sale with coupons—and then stock up while it's cheap.”

“Good thing I'm living in the sorority house,” Eloise said. “This couponing stuff hurts my brain.”

“I'm going to make it easy,” I said, particularly for Eloise who'd not only inherited the Michaels blue eyes and dark curls, but their penchant for bright, shiny, costly things. “Assume you have twenty dollars, then use whatever coupons you want from my binder to purchase the following staples and dinner fixings for tonight …”

I pulled a notepad from my purse, handed out pieces of paper and pens, and listed off the items: “Toothpaste, deodorant, yogurt, any kind of beverage, at least a pound of meat/poultry or fish, a side dish, cereal, a vegetable, pain reliever, and one item of your choice.”

“Let's roll!” Joyce said, a smile straining her taut cheeks. She opened my binder to the table of contents page.

“Just make sure you take the coupons that are closest to their expiration date and leave everything in order.”

As Barb and Eloise joined her, I replaced the notepad and pens they'd handed back and grabbed my smartphone from my purse.

Eloise looked up. “Did she respond yet?”

There were no new texts or missed calls, but there were a few new emails, including two new potential advertisers.

Nothing from CC.

Nothing from anyone who wanted to contribute a remembrance about Cathy.

“Not yet, but it hasn't even been a half hour.”

“Did who respond yet?” Barb asked, a fistful of coupons in hand.

“Her Mrs. Frugalicious stalker,” Eloise said.

“Or anyone who knew Cathy Carter,” I quickly added.

“You know Contrary Claire's gonna have a field day about last night when she does post something.”

Joyce shook her head. “I really do find it hard to believe a person like that is harmless.”

“She is now that everything she says is blocked,” I said, putting away my phone and confirming that my favorite checker,
20
Yvette, was at her usual register on the far side of the store. Since I always shared coupons and specials with her, I knew she wouldn't mind a few quick sample transactions along with my real one. “Let's meet and compare carts by aisle thirteen in, say, twenty minutes?”

“Sounds like a plan,” Joyce said.

“Want to do this together?” Barb asked Eloise.

“Sure,” Eloise said. “I guess.”

I waited for the three of them to scatter throughout the store before heading toward health and beauty aids. Included in this weekend's promotions was a big-name national brand of deodorant at buy-one-get-one free (BOGO) at the store. (Someone in marketing was obviously sensitive to the perspiration and body odor needs of the nation's holiday hostesses in the face of the stressful onslaught of family). Since I'd also found manufacturer's coupons for the same deodorant online, I grabbed 4 at a cost of exactly $0.38. I made quick work of the rest of the list, including 5 tubes of a lesser-known brand of toothpaste in the small size for a $1.19 with a dollar off coupon for a total of $.95, two containers of yogurt on special, and a catalina
21
for $5.00 off my total order. Barb and Eloise had taken most of the frozen vegetable coupons with, but fresh green beans were on sale for 75 cents off a pound, so I bagged two pounds.

After filling my cart with sports drinks, multiple boxes of cereal, store-brand cold medicine, and a two-pound chub of ground turkey reduced for quick sale, I made my way to our meeting spot at the front of the store, where I figured I'd be waiting another ten minutes.

Joyce was already there, checking her lipstick. “My stars,” she said, spotting me in the reflection of her compact mirror. “All that for just twenty dollars?”

“Under seven dollars,” I said. “That is, assuming I've calculated correctly.”

“I'm impressed,” she said.

“I could say the same,” I said, glancing into her cart. One read-through of my tips and Joyce had a half-full cart that included the economical store-brand bagged cereal, coupon/ store promo combo on Rice-A-Roni, Greek frozen yogurt complete with coupon, and reduced bagged broccoli I'd determined to be the second-best value per pound in the produce department. “You're a quick study.”

“Beginner's luck.” She winked.

We stood together in silence for a beat.

“You know, Maddie …” she finally said.

Judging by the consternation that crossed her face, I was fairly sure I didn't want to know whatever was coming next, and that the subject might well involve the one topic I'd tried not to discuss with anyone bearing the last name Michaels—aside from my children, of course—since the news of our split broke.

I just assumed Frank filled his family in on the particulars. Judging from their lack of commentary and abundance of good behavior since they'd arrived, there was little they felt they could say in his defense.

What if Frank truly meant what he'd said about making it up to me and the children? Difficult as our money troubles were, it was hard to blame him for being duped by a financial conman. Having a notorious public affair was a completely different story, though. I'd never forget, or even forgive, but could I move forward for the good of everyone if I thought he really could turn over a new leaf ?

The divorce butterflies returned with a vengeance as Joyce took a deep breath …

Thankfully, my cell phone pinged.

“It's just my text alert,” I said, both startled by the sound and grateful for the interruption. I swallowed the nervous lump in my throat and looked at the message.

Where are you grocery shopping?

“It's Frank,” I said.

Joyce nodded and seemed to almost smile.

Saveaway by the house
,
I responded.

That's what i figured.

Why? Do you need something?

Stasia does.

I hadn't thought to contact Anastasia yet since I knew she was on the air, but given her involvement in the story and the fact that her fiancé was acting police chief, Anastasia had to have the most up-to-the-minute information on what had happened and who exactly it had happened to.
I want to talk to her too. I'll call her.

No need. She's on her way over to you.

_____

Anastasia materialized mere minutes later with a fresh cameraman in tow, and no sign, even up close, of the dark circles Joyce had quickly erased from under the rest of our eyes using makeup from the cosmetics bag
22
in her purse. “The producers were so impressed with how you handled yourself last night that they want to run a series of segments featuring Mrs. Frugalicious bargain shopping all weekend long!”