Black & White (Picture Perfect #1) (6 page)

I squeezed her hand, grateful for her support and friendship. ”So, explain something else, Jude - the men, the websites, and the...
hell
, all of it! New York I understand, but here in Portland, you continued the deception by dating a million men.”

”I was terrified of telling you about me and Wyatt. The websites were decoys; I set all of them up. I fabricated all those men, the dozens of dates. I never went out with any of them. How many of them have you ever met?”

It was true. I hadn't actually
seen
Jude with one of her multitude of dates. She'd told me about the ones in New York, but hadn't said anything about her dates in Portland. “Were there
real
dates in New York?”

Jude chuckled. “Yes and no. I went on a couple of one-time dates while we lived there, but every one of those guys failed to compare to Wyatt. I never went on a second date with them.”

I leaned back in my seat, studying her shrewdly. “I just wish you'd come clean sooner. I feel like we’ve lost a little piece of our rock-solid relationship because of this.” It hurt, discovering Jude had known Wyatt was the one when we returned from New York, but she’d still gone through with this subterfuge. And for what? Just to protect me? I wasn’t that much of a nutjob, I didn’t need to be protected to this extent.

”I'll make this up to you someday,” Jude promised. The sincerity in her voice confirmed her determination. ”Now, what are you going to do about this guy, who's managed to crack the armor of Beth Huntley, confirmed bachelorette?”

I lowered my eyes to the table, fiddling with my empty coffee cup. There was a sudden lump forming in my throat. It made no sense that I was upset, even depressed – hell, I didn't know what this emotion was. It was all foreign to me after so long. I’d sworn off men forever, and wouldn’t be changing that decision for anything. Not even for a handsome English man who seemed to have the weight of the world on his shoulders.

“Nothing. Not a thing.” I announced with a sigh.

~~~~~~~~~~

After checking over the room one more time, I decided everything was in place and organized for William's photo shoot. Well, it had been checked ten times, but who was counting?

The struggle with everything which had to do with William hadn't done me any good. I was still at a complete loss regarding what I was thinking and how I was feeling. My mind had him permanently imprinted in every waking thought.

All of this was new to me; hell, it wasn't like me at all. When I'd met Ivan in New York, he had been all lovey-dovey, just like anyone would be at the beginning of a new relationship. He wanted to do things for me, hung off me constantly and expressed all those mushy feelings. Being far too practical and thinking it was all a waste of time, things had been strained right from the beginning.

The only obvious thing, which quickly became apparent, was that I didn't have the same feelings for Ivan as he did for me. There weren't stars or fireworks when he kissed me. It seemed like a waste of energy and time, as far as I was concerned.

I liked him, but I didn't need his protection or constant reassurance. I didn't need someone telling me continually how much they loved me or how beautiful I was. It all seemed too needy for a woman who didn't seem to have a romantic bone in her body.
I'm an independent woman, I don't need the reassurance.

Jude hung up the phone as I stepped out into reception. "Another booking?" I questioned while digging incisively at the cuff on my wrist.

Jude continued entering information into the date planner. "Yup, this one's for Thursday. Is the room ready?" She looked up and instinctively cease my fiddling.

"As ready as it'll ever be." I sighed heavily and leaned against the desk.

"Beth, do you want to talk about this? I've never seen a man get under your skin like this. Talking about it might help."

"Jude, stop. I'm not discussing this. It's a photo shoot with him and his angel. That's it, that's all." There was no sense in talking at all. Whatever this was would pass.

"Whatever, Beth. You can deny it all you want, but this guy's got you hooked." Jude retorted.

"Leave it alone. Why should I get involved with him or any other man when it's only going to end in heartbreak?" I snapped. She was starting to get on my nerves.

"You're warped, do you know that?" she shot back. This was getting out of control. "You won't even give yourself a chance to find the perfect guy.”

"There is no perfect guy or relationship. Watching Dad suffer for years, never moving on after Mom, why would anyone want to start something which will end like that?" It didn't matter what she said, this conversation was over.

"But your dad found Jackie, he did move on. He's happier than he's ever been. Maybe he and your mom weren't supposed to be forever, just for the moment."

"That makes no sense."
She certainly could be confusing, just like all dumb models.

"One, I'm not a dumb model, Elizabeth Huntley," Jude flipped me the bird. "Two, Ryan and Lisa had you and Wyatt. Maybe they were destined to be together for that reason alone."

I shrank back, realizing I had spoken my last thoughts out loud, but shot back anyway. "What? So they could have children who grew up watching their parents argue and fall out of love with each other?"

"No... God, you don't listen to anything I say, do you?" Jude threw her hands up, in exasperation.

"Yes, I do when you make sense. Your logic is flawed."

"Well, so is yours," Jude exclaimed as she rocketed past me and into one of the back rooms.

This wasn't over, she'd never understand. She'd spend the rest of her life trying to convince me that my parents were destined for each other for the soul purpose to have me and Wyatt.

The sound of the bell distracted me from my inner thoughts. I looked up to discover a young woman struggling to get through the glass door, pushing a stroller.

"Hold on," I called out. I had been raised to be polite, which was also combined with compassion to anyone coming through my door.

"Thank you.” Her English accent reminded me instantly of William.

The door closed with the bell chiming again as I followed her up to the counter. I extended my hand while silently studying of her. Her eyes were ocean blue, framed by flowing mounds of thick brown hair. Her skin was flawless and a perfect, pale cream.

"My name's Beth," I introduced myself.

"Lorde, Anne Lorde."

I felt my hackles rise and my blood begin to boil. Not only was William a god but his
wife
was a goddess. I found everything about her remarkable and disgusting at the same time. She was naturally beautiful, but at the same time, I hated everything physically about her.

I shook my head, trying desperately to put on my professional face. "You're here for the Lorde shoot?"

"Yes, I'm sorry, William will be here soon. He got held up at work." Anne answered.

"That's okay,” I said, glancing down at the stroller. "And who is this?"

Anne leaned into the stroller and straightened, holding a small child in her arms. In a hushed voice, she replied, "This is Angel, she's William's daughter."

My heart dropped. My dream man wasn't only married but he was a daddy. I wanted to end it now. This woman had everything I would die to have.
Wait... what the fuck?
This was going to end, right now.
I don't want this. This isn't me.

Reaching out and running my finger over the little girl's balled up fist, I noticed the small tufts of brown hair which poked out from under a light pink baby beanie. The girl had her fist between her puckered lips, sucking gently on it.

Was it possible for this little child to have her father's eyes, which coincidentally looked like Anne's? Her long lashes were lying against her rosy cheeks as she slept. Her skin was so pale in comparison to the color embedded in her cheeks. She looked so much like her father, but there were things about her which resembled her mother, too. It was impossible to look at this sweet little angel and not wonder 'if only'.

Wait? Angel? Didn't William say the photo would be of him and his angel? What about this dainty woman? Wouldn't she be in the photos too?

"I'm sorry, Anne, I think I've misunderstood. William said there would only be two people in the shots." I needed answers. Something didn't seem to be making sense.

"Oh, yes, there will only be William and Angel." Anne replied. "I'm only here because William's running late. He would've had to cancel if I didn't bring Angel to the studio."

The confusion was getting worse and just as I was about to ask another question, I felt Jude's presence behind me. I sighed, knowing she would want to see the baby. Jude was determined to be a mother and anytime she saw a baby she went gooey.

"Oh my, who do we have here?" Jude bumped me with her hip as she reached for the baby.

"This is Angel, William's daughter." I answered, the tone of my voice flat, but full of meaning.

Jude turned and eyed me up before turning back to the baby. I could see Jude's hamster wheel turning frantically. She was figuring it out. Anne was the wife. William had a baby. He was definitely off limits. I felt defeated with this knowledge. I just had to get him out of my mind, it was a lost cause. Hell, there shouldn't have even been a cause in the first place.

Even if by some small miracle there was anything real or tangible between us, William had a child. As far as I was concerned, it was a complete red flag on the play. I wasn't the relationship type, and I was absolutely not the mother type. There were no maternal instincts developing at this point in my life and I wasn't sure there ever would be.

"She's so beautiful. She has your hair... ummm... I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name," Jude stated as she looked up to Anne.

Smooth, Miss Detective.

Jude was finding any reason to compare the baby to Anne. She was determined to find a different conclusion than the obvious one.
What other conclusion can there be, Jude?
He's married and a father. That's all there can be. That's all there is.

"I'm sorry, Anne Lorde," she answered as Angel began to stir inside the blanket. "Beth, she's starting to wake up. I need to change her. Is there somewhere I could do that?"

"Of course. Will she be staying awake now?" The question sounded stupid as soon as it fell from my mouth, but for the shoot it would change the tone based on whether I was dealing with a sleeping baby, or one who was awake.

Having assumed the shoot was with two adults, the conversation hadn't come up between William and I during his appointment. This changed everything. A squirming, temperamental baby would create challenges. This was one type of shoot I didn't like doing.
Damn, I need to change the sitting arrangement.

"Normally, yes," Anne answered with a chuckle, searching awkwardly through the diaper bag. "You don't have children, do you, Beth?"

Now Anne was asking stupid questions. "God no, I'm definitely not the mother type. It'll affect the different shots I can or can't do."

"Don't you listen to her, she'll make a wonderful mother; she just hasn't found the right guy yet," Jude butted in, reaching for Angel as Anne fought with the diaper bag. A physical smack was in that woman's future.

"Thank you," Anne answered, placing the precious bundle into Jude's arms.

Jude turned, motioning for Anne to follow her. "We'll go into the studio. Beth and William can join us when he arrives."

Anne zipped up the bag and pushed the stroller, following Jude down the hall. "Thank you for doing this, Beth. It means everything to William."

"So, Anne, how old is Angel?" Jude asked, helping me to avoid an awkward conversation. She knew my feelings about doing children's photos.

Anne continued down the hallway as she answered. "Six months."

Jude paused, looking back at me with a look. She was trying to tell me something but I had no idea what it might be. Shaking it off, I started closing the studio down for the night.

Goose bumps rose on my skin, making the hair on my arm stand up as the bell went off again. Turning, my eyes fell on William in all his splendid glory, making my knees go weak.

Everything about him was polar opposites. His clothing was tattered and filthy but it didn't stop me wanting to tear them off him and expose his sculpted body. His hands and face were smeared with dried dirt, but I still felt the urgent desire to feel them touching me.

His lips were dry and chapped, but I had an overwhelming urge to press my own against his. His eyes were, as always, were dull and lifeless. They followed my movements as I slipped around the counter and advanced towards him.

Each step forward gave me a little time to gain and lose control of my body and mind. There was an irresistible urge to throw myself into his arms and feel his warmth envelope me. Butterflies fluttered inside my stomach as I reached out with my hand. The anticipation his touch would send coursing through my body was addictive.
Fuck, what's wrong with me? I'm such a masochistic sucker!

"Hello, William." Silently praying my voice was steady and professional, I didn't want him to know how undone he was making me. It would be difficult being near Anne if she knew.