Blackout (12 page)

The judge sits in the black leather chair behind an oversized desk.

Worry thins Dare’s lips as he takes a seat by his lawyer on the opposite side of the table stretched out in front of the judge’s desk. The lawyer pulls out a stack of papers and what appear to be photos, making me even more nervous.

“Your Honor,” the lawyer flips over a photo of Dare carrying me that day Tommy and his brother harassed me and I blacked out and pushes it toward the judge.

Dare set me up. Another photo comes across. This one is from the party. I don’t remember anyone taking pictures, but everyone has a smart phone these days. He’s setting me up as the aggressor throwing myself at him, so that a restraining order isn’t necessary. In fact, his lawyer may ask for one on me.

“These don’t really matter,” I say, shaking my head. Disappointment stirs in my chest.

I should’ve known better. He’s not interested in being friends anymore, and I shouldn’t care, but I do. I’d like to leave right now, but this is for me. I want to get better, and I want to know what Dare saw that day.

“And why is that?” Kirkland asks, folding his hands on his mahogany desk. He’s more relaxed and his voice isn’t as whiny as I recalled during my testimony. Since the last time I saw him, grey has sprinkled around his temples, and fine laugh lines crease his eyes and mouth. Townie women thought him handsome at one time.

“I’m dropping the petition for the restraining order,” I state simply.

Dare opens his mouth as if to speak but then doesn’t.

Kirkland leans back in his plush chair. “What does your dad think about this? In fact, I expected him to call in. Where is he?”

“He won’t be.” I never let him know about the time change. “I don’t think the restraining order is necessary.”

Dare eyes me suspiciously, his jaw clenching.

“Are you eighteen?” Kirkland asks.

“I will be in a few days. If that’s a problem, we can postpone the hearing until then, or I can re-file.”

“That won’t be necessary,” Kirkland says. “Are you sure, Miss Covington? Mr. Tucker has seen his share of trouble since you last had contact with him, and he was convicted.”

“I wanted to ask you about that,” I say, my voice shaky. Though I’ve seen Daddy in court many times, I’ve never gone up against a judge. “I don’t remember saying anything to the effect during my testimony that there was any wrongdoing on Darius Tucker’s part.”

Sympathy washes over Kirkland’s expression, which I don’t really need. “Your memory has deceived you before. Aren’t you still being seen for this?”

“Yes, but I remember my testimony, and I know I didn’t say anything about Dare. In fact, I stated I couldn’t recall what happened up until the point he found and helped me.”

Though I can feel the heat of Dare’s gaze, I don’t look at him. He sighs heavily, showing his lack of faith in the legal system.

Kirkland pats my hand. It’s very condescending, so I pull my hand out of reach and gather my courage to further confront him.

“I distinctly recall you telling me that he was inappropriate with you,” he says.

I don’t believe that. Anger builds inside me, squeezing my fists into balls. Dare leans into the table, awaiting my response.

“No, I didn’t,” I blurt out. “What other evidence did you have? I don’t understand why you took an eight-year-old’s word whose memory was in question? Was a rape test done?”

Dare’s lawyer rubs his chin and positions himself to face Kirkland. “I’d like to hear your response too, Your Honor.”

“There was no physical penetration, but that doesn’t mean Mr. Tucker didn’t touch you inappropriately,” Kirkland says. “He is three years older, and the police found your blood on him. Some animal blood was found too, but it was mostly yours, and there was a lot of it.”

I shake my head. “I had a only few scratches, a cut on my forehead and a blow to the top of my head.” The gash on my forehead was from running into the tree. I don’t know where the other head wound came from. I touch the ridges formed by cracking open my skull and realize it couldn’t have come from me running into the tree, like I originally thought.

“All that blood couldn’t have been mine. Dare was covered in it. It was dripping off him.” My mind whirls. Whose was it? Dare caught frogs and fished, but he wouldn’t butcher an animal like that. He never hunted deer or gators like his brothers.

Kirkland shrugs. “That’s what the experts testified to.”

I wasn’t there for that—only for my testimony. Something doesn’t make sense, but I know what I can do to help my memory. But what if I find out I did testify against Dare? Am I that messed up? Either way I have to know.

The memory of running into Dare surfaces in my mind. He wasn’t there in the small clearing where deer and other animals lie down. Flashes of blood and the buzzing sound warn of my impending unraveling. Dare’s foot slides up my shin, and it distracts me enough to prevent me from unhinging. He can tell when I’m about to lose it. A tight smile tugs on his lips.

“I still don’t want to proceed with the restraining order, and I plan on going through the case history,” I say.

Dare sits up straighter, but I swear Kirkland’s lips twitch.

“All right,” Kirkland says, now completely at ease while I’m rattling like rocks caught in a lawn mower. “If you change your mind, you’ll have to re-file your petition.”

“I understand,” I say, standing. My head lightens and my knees threaten to give out. “Thank you, Your Honor.”

I rush from the room to avoid seeing Dare gloat. He set me up with those photos, and he despises me. I’m still that stupid little girl choking on the dust at his feet. A lead weight has settled in my stomach and releases its toxins into my bloodstream. I should leave, but I have work to do now. I can’t let my condition control my life anymore.

Dare stops me by cupping my elbow and rotating me toward him. The suit makes him look like a professional, like a grownup instead of the badass he has portrayed ever since he was convicted.

“I’m sorry,” he starts. “It was my lawyer’s idea. I didn’t do this to hurt you. Please forgive me.”

“Your lawyer was doing his job.” It’s true. It was a smart move on his part. “It’s okay.” You don’t like me. You don’t have to stamp my forehead with it.

He hasn’t let go of my elbow, and an odd energy surges between us. “You don’t seem okay.”

“Look, I have some things I want to look into.” Then I need to meet with my therapist Miles.

“Are you really going to look into the old case?” he asks.

“Yes. I can’t believe I stood up to the judge. I’m positive you didn’t do anything.” I should ask him what he remembers now, but the thought of blacking out at the courthouse runs through my mind.

“What if you find out that’s exactly what you said? I don’t want to think that you did, but you were just a little girl.” He sucks in a breath. “I can forgive you for that.”

Dare always thought of me as too young. He probably does even now. He even once called my mama when I snuck out to go frog gigging to let her know I was with him and hadn’t been swallowed by a gator.

“It won’t take me long to find out what was said,” I say.

“Do you need me to drop you somewhere?”

I don’t know why he’s offering. “No thanks.” When Kami gets up from her late night and after I pull the case proceedings, I’ll give her a call and treat her to lunch for a ride.

Dare shoves his hands into his pockets and walks away. He swivels toward me one last time. I still like him. When I was eight, he was my hero.

“We’re good then?” he asks.

A couple women pass by him and eye him up and down like a Dreamsicle.

I nod, giving him a tight smile, then turn toward the steps to run down to records. Tears threaten my eyes. It’s hard to learn that your hero is a philanderer and hates your guts.

At the counter, I speak to the lady attending it. “I need to access the court documents for the Covington versus Tucker case ten years ago.” Or maybe it’s the State versus Tucker. I don’t know.

She types into the terminal and reads for a moment. “Since the case involved a juvenile, you’ll need a court order to access them unless you’re Darius Tucker or his lawyer.”

Shoot. “Thank you.” Would Dare get them for me?

I run up the stairs and hurry outside to see his Shelby driving away. I’ll have to find him and ask for his help, though he probably told me I was attractive to get those photos. If he hates me, it’s doubtful that he will lift a finger to help me.

“Do you think I’m wrong?” I ask Miles about the memories fixed in my mind, concerning my testimony. I sit with my legs tucked underneath me and sip on chai green tea.

He sits across from me with his legs spread, a typical guy posture, and in a cardigan despite the sweltering heat outside. My box of lost memories rests in front of him. Some of the papers are strewn on the coffee table.

“Can you get a copy of the transcripts?” he asks. “There doesn’t seem to be much in your records about the case. They may be helpful. Your physical exam is in here, but it showed no sexual trauma.”

I’ve read over my exam before. It focused on my head. “I should be able to get my testimony, but I need to find out who the court reporter was. That will be in the court records, and I don’t have access to them because Dare was a minor. I need a court order to get them.”

“Even if you were an involved party?”

“Yes. If I knew the court reporter’s name, I could probably get a copy of my testimony without one, but I have no idea who she is. It’s been too long. She typed really fast. That’s about all I remember. Oh, and she wore glasses and at the time had a bad cold.”

He pinches his bottom lip in thought. “Can you ask the judge?”

“It’s doubtful he’ll remember, and he didn’t seem too eager to help me.”

Miles drinks some of his tea. “Have you spoken to Darius about what he remembers?

“No.” I stare at the floor. I don’t have any good excuses other than it scares me. What if I’m wrong or I black out. “It’s doubtful Dare will help me. He hung me out to dry at the hearing.” I give Miles the lowdown.

“He’s saved you how many times since you came home?”

I laugh. “Three times, but who’s counting?”

“You are, and so is he. Doesn’t seem like a coincidence.” He smiles. “I think he likes you.”

I try not to smirk. “We will never happen. My daddy would kill him.”

“Never say never. Regardless, you should try to recruit Darius’s help. I know this is difficult, but he may remember something of importance, and you’ve never gotten his side of the story.”

I like that Miles doesn’t push me.

He rests one foot over the opposite knee. “Why do you call him Dare? It’s an unusual nickname.”

I smile, a small laugh catching in my throat. “Dare’s brothers were always daring him to do stupid stuff. They dared him to pee on an electric fence once when he was four. He told me that he still remembers the shock. They dared him to pet a gator. Dare slipped in the mud, and the gator took his boot. He has a small scar on his foot. The steel toe of his boot saved him from losing it.”

Miles guffaws. “I used to dare my friends to pee on electric fences but never got anyone to do it.” He slurps down his tea. “Chai tea makes me look hip, even if I drown it with cream and caramel. That’s the secret to everything, some form of sugar. I’m sure we can cure you with enough of this.” He pours caramel into mine.

I can’t stop smiling. “I like you…as a therapist that is.”

“All the kids do.” He waggles the two black caterpillars on his brow. “Let’s get to work. We have much to do. Muahahaha.” He rubs his hands together like Despicable Me’s minions. “I know this is rehash, but let’s start from the beginning again when you lost your memories.” With a tablet in his hands, he’s all business now.

I tell him what I recall, even though we covered this in the first session then add, “I didn’t know that Dare was registered as a sex offender until he told me. I thought the restraining order was over me being much younger than him and that Daddy didn’t want me to hang out with him anymore.” But honestly, it was too humiliating blacking out all the time, and I didn’t want Dare to witness that, so I didn’t mind too much.

“Eleven is the youngest a minor can be registered in this state, but minors register separately from adults and their records are sealed. Do you know what the court thought he did?”

I shake my head. “Dare found me while I was running. That’s what I told the judge. He told me my blood was on him. When Dare returned, he was covered in blood.” I look over at Miles. “It couldn’t possibly be all mine. I wasn’t bleeding that badly.”

“A little blood goes a long way. That’s what the cops tell me.”

I think of the SUV I totaled. The whole compartment was covered in it, just from the gash on my head and arm. “I had a few scratches, and I banged my head. Before Dare left me, he didn’t have blood on him. I’m positive.”

“We can work on a court order, but it’ll take longer than if you ask your friend.” Miles picks up a dossier. “We should cover the molestation charge. There’s no real indicators to support that in here.”

He sets the file down. “This is from the first few therapists you saw from ages eight to twelve. You didn’t show any sexual knowledge beyond what you should know during that time or any problematic sexual behaviors.”

Other than the blackouts, I thought I acted like other kids my age. “Which are?”

“Up until six, kids will show some interest in other children, touch themselves, but at eight, most kids respect others’ bodies. You didn’t try to molest another child or engage in any sexual activity, not appropriate for your age. From what you’ve told me, you didn’t have a really serious boyfriend until you were sixteen or seventeen.”

Even though I’ve already told him about my one time with Henri, heat radiates my neck and face. “Seventeen.” I’ll be eighteen soon, which is barely legal.

“You blacked out before you had sex, when you drove through the swamp you were found in, and when those boys harassed you.” He taps his stylus on his temple. “Triggers: swamp, aggression, maybe sex.

“And I spoke to the neurosurgeon. She would like another scan. You mentioned hitting the front of your head on a tree. Do you recall how the top of your skull was cracked open?”