Blame It on the Dog (19 page)

Doc LaPann calmly pats Wesley on the head. “Just take him back up home, give him a spoonful of castor oil, and don’t aim him at anybody.”

There was a young man from Rangoon
Whose farts would make anyone swoon.
When you’d least expect ’em
They’d burst from his rectum
With the force of a raging typhoon.

While the waiter is taking orders from several well-dressed women, one of them accidentally lets an audible fart, then flashes an angry glance at the young man and snaps, “Waiter, stop that!”

“Yes, ma’am. Which way did it go?”

It was December 30, and the penniless old lady was shoplifting some supplies for her grandkids’ New Year’s Eve party. Suddenly the store owner on the other side of the counter shouted, “Put that bag of confetti back!”

She was so startled at being caught that she let a loud fart.

“And put the horn back, too!” said the proprietor.

There was a young lady named Carter
Who was very well known as a farter.
Her deafening reports
During various sports
Made her much in demand as a starter.

Late one night at the end of a long shift, Bob and Tim, two airline mechanics at Denver’s Stapleton Airport, decide they need a stiff drink, so they spike a couple of Cokes from the soda machine with a little bit of jet fuel.

Next morning, Bob calls Tim and asks, “How you feeling?”

Tim says, “Man, I feel great. Not even a hangover. That stuff sure was smooth.”

Bob says, “Well, there is one side effect. Have you farted yet?”

“No, why?”

“ ’Cause I’m calling from Detroit.”

Overheard in an elevator:

This one comes from comic Sean Morey, who does a deadly impression of 60
Minutes’s
TV curmudgeon Andy Rooney: “It’s weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, ‘Oh my God, he’s kicking, do you wanna feel it?’ I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It’s weird to ask somebody to feel your stomach. I don’t do that when I have gas. ‘Oh my god, give me your hand. It won’t be long now!’ ”

A man walks into a diner and says to the waitress, “I’ll have a set of headlights and four hubcaps.”

This confuses the waitress, but she writes it down and goes to check with the cook. He tells her, “That’s just old short-order slang. What he wants is two eggs over easy and a stack of four pancakes. He’s just giving you a hard time.”

The waitress thinks,
I’ll fix him
, and serves the man a bowl of beans instead.

“Hey, this ain’t what I ordered,” he bellows.

“Well,” she says, “while you’re waiting for spare parts, you might want to gas up.”

There once was a gaseous young gent
Who farted wherever he went.
He visited Bel-Air
And dropped a few there
So they plugged up his ass with cement.

Writer Norman Corwin came up with this one:

A talented actor named Kane
Complained of a curious pain.
It turned out to be gas
Of a very high class
Commercially useful butane.