Blame It on the Dog (20 page)

According to comedian George Carlin, “If there are two people in the elevator, and one of them farts, everybody knows who did it.”

I sat with the duchess at tea.
It was just as I feared it would be.
Her rumblings abdominal
Were truly phenomenal
And everyone thought it was me.

While I sat by the duchess at tea
She asked, “Do you fart when you pee?”
I said with some wit
“Do you belch when you shit?”
And considered it one up for me.

Though the duchess was a lady of class
She had quite a bad case of gas.
She lifted one cheek
And attempted the “sneak”
And left a brown stain from her ass.

What happened to the blind skunk?
He fell in love with a fart
.

What do you get if you eat onions and beans?
Tear gas
.

What do you call a fart?
A turd honking for the right of way
.

What did the Maxi pad say to the fart?
You are the wind beneath my wings
.

Here’s an insult: Your ass is so tight, when you fart only dogs can hear it.

What do you call someone who doesn’t fart in public?
A private tutor
.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; fart and they’ll stop laughing.

“Darling,” the husband says sheepishly to his wife. “Let’s try a new position tonight.”

“Good idea,” she replies. “You stand in front of the sink and do the dishes, and I’ll sit in front of the TV and fart.”

Here’s a variation of the previous joke:

A man and a woman, who are both married to other people, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed about sharing a room with a stranger—he in the upper berth and she in the lower—they’re both very tired and thus agree to the arrangement.

Before going to sleep, the man leans over and says, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but it’s chilly up here. Would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?”

“I have a better idea,” she says. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend we’re married.”

“Wow, great idea!” he exclaims, suddenly fully awake.