Blame It on the Dog (24 page)

Inventors have come up with brilliant no-smell products like the Toot Trapper, an activated carbon chair cushion from UltraTech Products in Houston that actually absorbs a fart like a black hole soaks up light. You can sit there in the office and fart to your heart’s content (as long as you’re not making too much noise) without anybody knowing. NewTek, out of Topeka, Kansas, has a product called the Butt Muffler, a charcoal filter you strap on under your underwear. If you want your underwear itself to do the filtering, there’s Under-Ease skivvies (described in more detail in
chapter 8
) with a built-in trap filter in back.

But some great minds wonder: why not solve the gas problem from the other end, before it actually becomes a problem, with a kind of breath sweetener that sweetens all the way through the body, like Steve Schuster’s Whiff! capsules? (See
chapter 28
.) The first great idea in this vein, printed verbatim in
Who Cut the Cheese?
was Benjamin Franklin’s 1781 proposal for a powder or pill that would make “a
Perfume of our Wind … and delight the Smell of those about [us].” More than two hundred years later, in the early 1990s, comedy writers for Fox TV’s
In Living Color
program updated Franklin’s modest proposal with a mock commercial for Flatuscents, a tablet, taken orally, that turns butt gas into pleasant aromas, including “new car.” “Hey, is this a new car?” Tommy Davidson asks Jim Carrey. “No,” Carrey says, “I just had a chili dog at the ball game.”

In fact, comedy writers seem to be on the cutting edge of good fart ideas. NBC’s
Saturday Night Live
did the
In Living Color
joke one better on January 6, 2004, with the “Magic Mouth.” You insert this product into your ass, and when you fart, the air passing through it says things like, “Did you see Charlie Rose last night?”

Clearly there’s a fortune to be made if the right lightbulb turns on above your head. If you need a little inspirational prodding, or you simply want to float your bright idea and get some feedback, check out a website called Halfbakery (
www.halfbakery.com
), which will showcase any antifart, antistink, or gas-combustion concept you’re willing to send them. Though many of Half bakery’s ideas are mere whimsy, others could be tomorrow’s breakthroughs. Here are some of them.

Fart lenses.
A unique set of polarized lenses that let you see the light wavelength of gas as it passes from someone’s ass. Slip on these stylish glasses and you’ll be amazed at how many people around you are farting at any given moment. No longer is there any guesswork as to who it was who cut the cheese. Best of all, since you’re able to see someone’s indiscretion before the odor reaches you, you have a chance to run.

Bum tube.
Because of medical conditions, many people can’t control their embarrassing flatulence, but this small tubular device (no more than four or five millimeters in diameter, and maybe an inch long) could make their lives easier. It would have to have a wide mouth at one end to keep it from slipping all the way into the anus and getting lost in there like a hapless hamster. Inside the tube would be some sort of freshener. The tube would render the fart both quiet (because it provides an open, unflapping airway) and pleasant, if not odorless. These tubes could be cheap, disposable, and sold in packs like cigarettes, so that users could change them regularly.
There would also be the option to coordinate your bum tube with your favorite perfume or aftershave for increased secrecy.

Fart catheter.
This small tube could be inserted into the rectum to bleed off the gases that sometimes collect there before they escape into the air. The collected flatulence can then be passed through a deodorizing charcoal air scrubber, burned in a microturbine to produce power, or pumped into a pressure cylinder for later disposal. The whole apparatus would have to be small enough to fit under clothing, like a colostomy bag. This could be handy in the office, making for more pleasant elevator rides and meetings. A compact version could even be worn to bed. Sure, your bed partner might not think it’s sexy—but as soon as you remind her of that Dutch oven you gave her the other night, she’ll think twice about laughing at that silly thing sticking out of your ass. A camping version could include an adapter to attach to the cookstove, thus promoting an ecologically sound cycle of gas→ heat→ tomorrow’s cooked beans→ more gas.

Fart distractor (with misdirection device).
How many times have you been caught trying to blame one of your farts on the family dog? Now you can get away with it, Scottie free. A combination butt plug and supersonic dog whistle, the Fart Distractor lets you fart when you feel like it without making any noise that humans can hear. At the same time, every dog within a block will come running at the first blast and get there just in time to take the blame for the stink that follows.

Breaking breaking-wind ciphers.
What if the SETI program (Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence) is looking in the wrong direction for signs of alien life? What if the aliens are actually among us, in the guise of quiet, unassuming males who furtively fart, and their passing gas is really a form of communication? Microphones and transmitters should be installed in living rooms, elevators, cubicles, and restrooms to record Unusual Flatulent Observations’ audio emissions and send them on to a new Homeland Security project for scrutiny and decoding. “Brrrraaaatttt” may just translate into “Looks like rain tonight.”

Belly-button pressure outlet device
. Tired of releasing wind accompanied by viscous, foul-smelling liquid? Why not have a screw-in device surgically implanted in your navel to allow the release of
any dangerous buildup of gas pressure in the bowels and give yourself the power to decide how, when, and where you want to have an emission. Once a surgeon has embedded a screw-type fitting within your navel, a variety of third-party attachments would be available. For example, in the dark you could turn on the gas tap and create a small illumination. It would also be handy for coal miners.

Fart louver.
When you have to fart in the company of others, there’s usually one safe direction to do it in (away from the people you’re with) and one dangerous direction (toward the people you’re with). Rather than resort to all the usual covert gestures, you could be wearing the Fart Louver: a funnel plugged in your ass, with two long tubes attached that run separately down each leg of your pants. A switch on your belt lets you choose which tube you want your fart to travel down. If you have to fart at a hoity-toity dinner function, there’s no need to tilt at a conspicuous five-degree angle while you try the butt-cheek sneak. Simply choose a leg, stretch it under the table toward that snooty woman across from you, and watch in amusement as she takes the blame.

Flatulence indicator.
Supposedly there are chemicals used in swimming pools that indicate when someone is peeing in the water, so why not have a chemical in the air that turns a certain color when someone expels gas. Obviously this isn’t feasible outside, but a fart is rarely noticed there anyway. The most useful application is in enclosed spaces: elevators, trains, offices, etc., where it would be a simple matter of injecting the Flatulence Indicator into the air-conditioning or air ducts. Clearly everyone has an off day when they suffer from oppressive gas and try to let it slip out unnoticed, but this device would mainly be used to target serial flatulators who blatantly flaunt our clean air laws.

Fart lamp.
You’re finishing up your business in the toilet when suddenly you’re gripped with the realization that there’s still a bit of a stink in the air. No problem. You reach out to the little lamp on the wall above the toilet paper dispenser, press a button, and a flame burns for roughly ten seconds, removing the remaining methane odor before automatically shutting off.

Flatulence visualizer.
Taken in pill or capsule form during meals, the Flatulence Visualizer contains a chemical that, after interacting
with intestinal gas, produces colorful emissions, perhaps even cartoon-like colored bubbles. Now more than ever, you can use your farts to amuse your friends!

Sniff-O-Matic.
The elevator is crowded. Suddenly somebody lets one go. Not to fear, Sniff-O-Matic is here. The millisecond it catches a whiff, the Sniff-O-Matic Silencio Model 2010, installed in the elevator at belt level, turns on the exhaust fans and pumps Scent-O-Pureness into the cramped space. Everyone breaths easy.

Many times in many ways, wise men have told us that ideas are like assholes: everybody’s got one. Who knows, perhaps yours will make the world a little brighter and more piquant.

MASTER STINK BLASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE!

W
hat’s that smell?

It’s a turd!

It’s a plain menace to society!

No, it’s a super-stinky Stink Blaster!

Whether he’s Butt Breath Bob, the Silent Gasser, Rotten Egg Reggie, the Master Blaster, Porta Potty Paul, Broccoli Bill, the Stench Brothers, or any one of seventeen other three-inch-high Stink Blaster dolls, he has a soft head that, when squeezed, emits a very
distinktive
odor.

Kids love him and parents hate him—the perfect formula for the smell of success.

We’ve come a long way since the days of G.I. Joe.

The Stink Blasters are owned by Morrison Entertainment Group (MEG), a California-based company that specializes in developing, manufacturing, and licensing children’s character toys. Prior to founding MEG fifteen years ago, CEO Joe Morrison was a marketing executive at Mattel, where he put the Masters of the Universe action figures on the map. But his Stink Blasters aren’t just malodorous trolls. There’s also a Stink Blasters trading card game with 144 different cards containing the twenty-four characters’ histories, their arch rivals, and their best friends—each with its own Stink Rating (think Pokemon meets the Garbage Pail Kids). More recently, in 2004, Morrison launched a Stink Blasters Internet Flash game in which
participants try to fart-gas the largest number of people on an elevator. The Stink Blasters figures and accessories are currently distributed in thirty-one countries, and have done especially well in Italy and Australia. Morrison hopes that in time they’ll enjoy the same film success as the Masters of the Universe, though he acknowledges that the odiferous little urchins may be past their marketing prime and, in any case, might be a hard sell in Hollywood.

Though aimed ostensibly at young kids, each smelly doll is sold (at $4.99) with a detailed warning and disclaimer: “We assume no liability for any damage, suspension, expulsion, arrest, etc., that may be caused by using this product. These should not be used in any public place such as a classroom, movie theater, bank, post office, bathroom (okay, it smells already … but you don’t have to make it worse). There are no known toxic substances contained in these units, but if you are unsure about your reaction to this product or the legality of this product in your area, DO NOT BUY IT.” The stink formulas, according to one MEG executive, are about 95 percent polypropylene glycol (which carries moisture) and 5 percent oils, extracts, and food flavorings. To maintain their secrecy, the odors are put together in U.S. labs, even though the dolls are manufactured in China.

Certainly it’s not young children who are playing the Stink Blasters Flash game on the Internet. It was designed by a graphics artist named “Mr. Stinkhead,” who met Morrison at a toy fair in 2003 and convinced him that he should take the franchise into cyberspace. “Stink Blasters are repugnant little toys that stink really bad when you squeeze their head.… I was instantly inspired,” says Mr. Stinkhead. Since he loved the idea of farting in elevators, he put together a game (which you can play at
www.stinkblasters.com
) with a choice of six characters—BO Brian, Broccoli Bill, Burpin’ Buddy, Butt Breath Bob, Master Blaster, and Silent Gasser, each with its own sound effects—that ride up and down the elevator at the ten-story Smellville courthouse. Along with a character of his choice, each player gets a total of four farts to blow at his discretion. The elevator stops randomly at different floors, where passengers either get on or off, and the goal is to rack up points by gassing the greatest number of people at one time between floors. However, the player doesn’t
know if more passengers will get on at the next stop, or if the ones already on will get off before he has a chance to blast them, so he has to “paint the elevator” at just the right time. Secondly, there is a constantly growing fart-pressure meter that improves the point value per passenger, but if the player waits too long, his character will suffer a gas explosion and not get any points at all.

Mr. Stinkhead says that the most important elements in the design of the Stink Blasters game were the characters’ farts and the expressions of the animated figures stuck in the elevator with them. “Right at the beginning of production, I decided we needed some good sound effects to get the reactions looking right. I invited over my brother to share a large ham and sausage pizza and a few beers. Microcassette recorder in hand, and trousers loosened, we were ready for action. Ironically, there was nothing. That’s right, not a single blip, toot, or stepped-on duck.” Ultimately, he had to rely on electronics. Hey, wait, haven’t we heard this story before?