Bleeding Heart (21 page)

His blue eyes fell into my lap where his hand rested on my thigh. “I want for you want everything with me.”

I felt my brows furrow as I stared into his face, trying to find an understanding there in his expression for his very confusing words. When I found nothing, I whispered. “I do want everything with you.”

“You don’t.” He looked up at me and I sensed a harshness in his tone that I hadn’t known in weeks.

“How can you say that?” I asked softly, trying to ignore my hurt. “I don’t understand.”

“Do you want a family with me, Nova?”

I gasped. “Do you mean,”

“A child.” He didn’t allow me the time to finish. “Do you want a child with me?”

“Calix,” I breathed his name. “I,”

Calix took that moment to lower himself to his knees before me. I had never seen this man so desperate for anything. I had never seen a man - any man - so desperate for something, the way Calix appeared to be desperate for a child, in my life.

“Nova,” he twined his fingers through mine on my lap. “Give me a reason to let go of it all. Give me a reason to be a better man, love.”

“You think a child could be that reason?” I frowned through my abhorrence. I’d heard of people having a baby in a foolish hope to better their relationship, to trap a straying significant other, to have something that would never leave and that would love them unconditionally - but this, knowing someone wanted a child to better themselves - that was a new kind of messed-up for me.

I shook my head. “Calix, I can’t.”

He lowered his forehead to my knees. When I heard him speak again, the words, like so many words this man spoke, chilled me. “Give me a family, Nova, and I’ll forgive your father his actions.”

***

It’s been two weeks since that moment on the plane. We haven’t spoken of our conversation or my lack of a reply to him. However, although I hadn’t spoken of it, didn’t mean I hadn’t thought of it. I did.

Every. Single. Day.

Calix wanted me to give him a family in exchange for him to let go of his need for revenge toward my father - my family. I wanted to. I really did want to give Calix a child, but I just couldn’t wrap my head around his reasoning. It wasn’t right - and if I was being one hundred percent honest with myself, at only twenty-one years old, I wasn’t exactly ready for a child.

The thought of giving Calix a child terrified me. I was stone cold petrified of giving someone like Calix - someone who was so hard - something so precious as a child.

“Nova?” His deep voice interrupted my thoughts as he spoke from behind his desk. Blinking away my thoughts, I looked up at him. “What are you reading, love?”

“Reading?” I blinked again as I looked down at the sleeping screen of my kindle. “Um,”

I watched as Calix rose from behind his desk to move toward me. “Yes, reading.” He pointed to my kindle.

“Um,” I glanced down once more at the screen and spoke. “I’m reading The Boy Who Sneaks In My Bedroom Window by Kristy Moseley.”

He raised a brow. “Is it good?”

“Very.” And I wasn’t lying. I’d read this book before - at home. Jaylah had gone completely fan girl over it and I wanted to know what all the fuss was about, so I’d read it.

“Are you hungry?” He asked, his eyes sweeping over my face.

“No.” I shook my head. “My tummy is still feeling a little off, but I am tired.”

“You need to eat.”

We’d been having this argument for the past week. I’d been feeling a little off, somewhat sickly, and I was beginning to think I had brought something home with me from Greece because no matter how much Echinacea tea I drank, (and I drank a lot) I couldn’t seem to shake whatever it was that was making me feel a little under the weather.

“Calix,” I pulled in a breath to argue before I lost it. “I think I’ll be able to stomach some soup.”

The skin around his lips tightened as he pursed them. “You’ve eaten nothing more than soup for the last four days, love.”

“I know.”

“You can’t live on soup alone.”

“Oh God,” Irritation flooded my system as I dropped my kindle into my lap to rub my temples. “Please don’t do this now, Calix.”

“Do what?”

“Force an argument.” I lifted tired, hopeful eyes to his face. “I don’t have the energy.”

“I know.” He nodded. “You haven’t had the energy for much since we’ve been home.”

“I’m not feeling well.” I defended my laziness. “You know that.”

“I do.”

“I think I caught something in Greece.”

“I don’t think so.” He said matter of fact and I felt my brows draw together as I stared up at him from my comfy chair in his office. I had no idea what he was trying to say, but I was both irritated, nauseous, and exhausted. The longer he held silent the less I cared for an explanation.

Uncurling myself from the chair, I stood to move toward him. “Calix,” I rested my hands on his chest. “Take me to bed, please.”

The muscle in his jaw twitched as it did when he was tense and I knew he was frustrated. This wasn’t the first time I had dismissed a conversation with Calix by asking him to take me to bed, but it usually worked - and I was so tired. All I wanted was to curl up in his warm arms and fall into the dreamland.

Calix settled his hands on my hips, pulling me closer into him. “Do you think you should see Dr. Kendrickson?”

“No.” I shook my head, because I honestly didn’t think it was so serious. “I think I need to sleep it off like any other flu.”

“Sleep it off?” He smirked and I felt my hackles rise, but I bit down the need to react and somehow stood with my calm facade intact. “If you insist.”

“I do.” I couldn’t help but feel my belly flutter at his flippancy. It was so unlike Calix.

He tightened his hands around my waist before steering me from the office, across the hall, and into our bedroom. I was so relieved to see the bed, that I made a quick beeline for the closet, escaping Calix’s warm touch. I could hear him in the bathroom, rummaging through the cabinets as I stripped of my clothes before sliding into the cool silk of my pale pink housecoat.

I padded from the closet to find Calix standing in the bathroom with his back leaning against the countertop. He was holding something in his hand, but I didn’t know what it was. Stepping closer, I felt my eyes widen before my mind denied the truth of what I was seeing in Calix’s hand.

“Is that?” I couldn’t finish - it was simply too ridiculous. The thought - it couldn’t be.

“Yes.” Calix nodded and confirming my fears, he added. “I’d like you to take a pregnancy test, love.”

I shook my head. “There’s no need.” My tone grew snappy. “It’s a waste of time.”

“It would be peace of mind.”

“I,”

He stepped toward me, holding out the stick. “Take the test.”

I stared at him for what felt like hours before I snatched the stick from his hand and pointed it to the door. “Get out.”

“I can wait,”

“You can wait outside this washroom, Calix.” My tone must have told him my mind couldn’t be changed, because his jaw tightened and he nodded.

“Don’t lock the door.”

“Get out.”

Calix didn’t say anything as he walked from the bathroom, and neither did I. I watched from the mirror as he moved to the door, exited, and closed it. Then, I checked myself for a pulse and ran for the box that was still perched on the counter.

Now that Calix wasn’t watching me for my reaction, I was a mess. My hands were sweating and shaking so bad, I was having a hell of a time clutching tight to the little white stick with the pink capped lid.

Oh shit
. This can’t be happening.

I read through the instructions once and didn’t understand a lick of it. So, I forced myself to calm down just a smidgen before looking over the instructions again. Alright, it was easy enough, I thought to myself as I gazed down at the stick. All I did was remove the little pink cap and pee on the stick. Then, I could cover it back up and stare at the little screen for three minutes as I waited for only one pink line to appear. In the very unlucky, never mind nearly impossible chance I was pregnant, two very intimidating pink lines would appear.

Oh shit!
This can’t be happening.

I moved to the toilet. I hiked up my housecoat, removed the cap and shoved the stick between my legs. Then I peed.

Oh shit! Oh shit!
This can’t be happening.

I couldn’t seem to find the courage to remove the stick from between my legs when I’d finished peeing. For a long moment, I just stared at the wall opposite me. Then, as though kicked into gear, I replaced the pink cap, wiped, flushed and walked to the vanity. In the mirror, I found myself staring at a frighteningly pale version of myself. Then I washed my hands. And then I glanced down at the stick.

Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
This really can’t be happening.

Pulling the stick from the countertop with numb fingers, I moved back to the toilet where I sat on the lid and I studied the stick long and hard.

Two. Pink. Lines.

I was pregnant?

How?

I’m on birth control. I took precautions. I did what I was supposed to do...

Could it possibly be a result of my being with Calix twice before having the shot? I mean, I knew it was
possible
- but was it really that likely?

Holy shit!
This can’t be happening.

“Love?” Calix was moving across the room - I could hear his feet against the floor - but I couldn’t look at him.

When he moved nearer, I felt his fingers hook around the stick, pulling it from my grasp. A sharp intake of breath sounded from him, but I still didn’t look up at him.

Somehow, I found the strength to mutter. “How?”

“Love?” He knelt on the floor in front of me, catching my face in his hands to force my eyes to his. “Are you alright, Nova?”

“No.” I answered honestly and his eyes darkened with pain.

“You’re not happy?”

Oh shit!
“Calix,” I shook my head. “I’m confused.”

“We’ve been having sex, Nova.” He said simply. “This is the result of sex.”

“But I’m on birth control.” I said stupidly. “You don’t get pregnant on birth control.”

“Tons of women become pregnant while on birth control.”

“When they don’t use it correctly.” I defended in small tones. “I used it correctly.” Decidedly, I added. “The test has to be faulty.”

“It’s not.”

“You can’t be positive.” I said, suddenly confident that this test wasn’t accurate. “I’d like to see Dr. Kendrickson.”

“I am positive, love.” Calix informed me point blank. “The test is accurate.”

“But,”

“You’re not on birth control, Nova.” Calix said bluntly. His face was hard and his tone was factual. I, however, was confused.

“I’m sorry?” I didn’t understand. I was there - I felt the needle. “I don’t understand.”

“It was a placebo shot.”

Oh shit...

This really can’t be happening.

“This can’t be happening.” I whispered.

“I told you I’d never let you go.” Calix said quietly in response to my words and my head shot back as though I’d been given whiplash.

“You what?” My voice was cold, tense, vibrating. I stood abruptly and Calix stumbled to rise with me as I spun around on him. “You
tricked
me into having unprotected sex with you?” My voice was rising. “I told you I wasn’t ready yet!” I screamed, shocking myself and Calix.

“Nova,”

“
I fucking married you!
” I screamed again. It was no surprise, I’d lost a little of my mind. “You still think you need to trap me - to force me to be with you? Are you fucking insane?”

I was pacing the bathroom floor, screaming at him, whipping back and forth and stomping. My hands were flailing this way and that and my eyes were wild - I knew this, because I couldn’t focus on a thing. I was
enraged
.

“Nova,” Calix spoke darkly. “Settle down.”

“Settle down?” I roared. “Are you fucking insane?”

“Enough!” He bellowed so loud, so final, that I stiffened mid-step. “I made the choice to trick you, as you call it, and I would make the same choice again because this is the result.” He lowered his voice. “You are carrying my child, Nova. You will not excite yourself to the point of harming yourself or my child, do you understand?”

No. I didn’t understand. “This child
I’m carrying
isn’t yours, Calix.” His eyes narrowed and his jaw clenched so tight, I was nearly certain his teeth were going to crack. “It is our child. But this body,” I pointed to myself. “Is my body, Calix. And you’ve taken advantage of me, manipulated me, to an extreme that I don’t know if I can ever forgive.”

“You will.” He said softly and for the first time, I wondered if his words were to convince me, or himself.

“No,” I shook my head and felt a surprising tear slide down from my face. “This time, what you’ve done - it’s not an action I can forgive.”

“You love me, Nova.” Calix reminded me.

“I do.” I whispered and another tear fell. Calix took a step toward me, but I took one back. “And I thought you loved me too.”

“I do.”

I shook my head. “You don’t. If you did, you would never have done this to me.”

“I can’t lose you, Nova.” He said, sounding broken. “I did it because I need you. You make me better. Our baby, it’ll make me better too.”

I shook my head. “I don’t trust you, Calix. If I can’t trust you - I can’t trust you with our child.”

“What are you saying?” He growled low, but through the threatening rumble of his voice, I was certain I caught a hint of fear.

I wanted to tell him I didn’t want him anywhere near our child - but I still had nine months to really think about this. If there was one thing my mother taught me - and I had always taken with me as I moved about my life, it was to never speak words in anger. So, I swallowed the bubbling rage, hurt, and deceit - and I spoke.

“I’m saying that I need to go to bed, Calix. I’m saying that tonight, I don’t want you to share my bed.” I swiped at a stray tear as I made a move for the door.

Calix spoke and I stiffened. “I won’t sleep away from you.”