Blinding Trust (25 page)

In the past six months, I hadn’t been seeing eye to eye with my husband. For some reason, he wanted me home all of the time. I was registered on two pool leagues that I shot on during the time I was working. If the league fell on my day off, I would still show up to be able to socialize and not have it be part of my job. I didn’t have real friends, none that I would call trustworthy, that is.

The problem was that I’d met them all from working in the bar. Getting to know someone at that kind of place isn’t exactly a good thing. Most people that come into a bar alone are there because they have problems that they want to drink away. I’d heard every kind of story and at the end of the day my team consisted of two town drunks, a seventy year old farmer that lost his wife to cancer, and three brothers that were more focused on who could get laid the fastest each week.

My husband, who I had been in love with since puberty, didn’t understand why I needed a social life outside of work. He felt that my line of work was the only socializing I would ever need. In fact, he said my real job was maintaining the town gossip and learning everyone’s dirty secrets.

I don’t know why he complained. I contributed to our family and managed to make things work. At the end of the day, I loved them and would do anything to make sure they never had to need for anything.

It wasn’t until this past winter when things started to really fall apart. I’d noticed Gavin was being distant. He would come home all giddy and want to spend time with the kids, more than usual. I thought maybe he just wanted to be a better father at first. I didn’t mind that he was ignoring me for the kids. They were the most important anyway.

As the winter months passed, we communicated less. One night, I sat him down and told him how I felt. He blamed it all on me and my guilty conscious, claiming that I wasn’t going to let his one indiscretion go.

I wanted to forget, but I also wanted to believe that I was still a desirable woman. I had needs and he just wasn’t fulfilling them. One day I went and talked to his mother for a few hours. She suggesting that I give him his space and maybe he was just going through a ‘man stage’.

I got back into the rhythm of my daily routine and tried to brush off my suspicions.

One morning, after getting the kids up and ready for school, I started to feel lousy. As the day progressed, so did my health. I called work and let them know that I wouldn’t be able to come in. Since I rarely ever took a day off, they were great about it and wished me well. I took some cold medicine and went straight to bed.

When I woke up, got the kids off the bus and finally got started on dinner, Gavin was walking in the door. Right away he noticed that I wasn’t dressed for work. “What’s wrong with you? You know you’re going to be late?”

“I called out sick.” I stirred the pot of soup and didn’t look up at him.

“That’s just great! You get a damn stuffy nose and suddenly can’t work. Pathetic!” I heard him turn around and head out of the kitchen. His words hurt me. Even when I was sick, I still did everything I needed to do. His lack of compassion rubbed me the wrong way. Why hadn’t he even asked if I was okay, or what was wrong with me?

I walked right into the living room and found him sitting with the kids. “What is your problem? I never call out sick. Don’t you even care if I’m okay?”

He laughed but never took his eyes away from the sports channel. “Whatever, Ves. You’re obviously fine if you are up in my shit about it. How much longer before dinner is ready?”

I put my hands on my hips. I knew that I could cry or I could get pissed. We’d been together way too long for me to be okay with the way he was acting. “You’re the one with the problem! I’m sick and you’re busy treating me like crap. Wow! I’m so glad that you don’t give a damn about me or my health. What would you do if I just dropped dead like my mother did? Would you even care?”

Tears filled my eyes immediately mentioning her. I missed her so much and it was days like this that I needed her the most.

I made my way into the kitchen and leaned against the countertop to regain my composure.

Hands wrapped around my waist and I felt Gavin breathing against my ear. “I’m sorry. I had a shitty day and told some of the guys they could come over and watch the game tonight. I didn’t mean to be a dick to you.”

I turned around and looked into his eyes. “Sometimes I feel like you don’t even care about me anymore. It’s like you don’t even consider my feelings.”

He frowned in a joking kind of way. “I’m sorry.” His hand slid up the back of my shirt. Right away, it gave me the shivers. When he reached my bra line, I gasped and leaned back on the counter.

“Am I still attractive to you?” I knew I wasn’t ugly; in fact, I got hit on all the time. After having two kids, I had nice curves, but was still petite and pretty thin. My hair was long, half down my back, with different colored blonde streaks through it. I didn’t have wrinkles and my breasts didn’t sag. I could spend minimal time in the bathroom and feel good about myself.

He kissed the side of my head and pulled me into his arms. “Of course you are.”

I slid my hands up the back of his shirt and pulled his warm body against mine. “You never want to spend time alone anymore. Is there someone else?”

He pulled away and started to walk out of the room, before turning to point right at me. “I can’t believe you went there, again.” He shook his head and then rubbed his face. “Look, I know you don’t feel well. I’m just going to call my friends and see if we can hang at one of their houses instead.”

Okay? I guess I pissed him off again. Maybe it was always my fault that he avoided me. He could tell me that his cheating meant nothing, but it didn’t hurt me any less. I felt like if I was doing my job being a wife, then he wouldn’t have had to do it in the first place. Maybe if I had my mother to talk to she could tell me what to do. It wasn’t like his mother was ever going to be on my side.

I watched Gavin walk all the way outside into the cold dark night to make his phone calls. It seemed weird to me, but since I’d already pissed him off about my trust issues, I knew it wasn’t a good time to accuse him of being secretive again. Still, I stood at the window and watched his body language. He was all smiles and even laughing at times. I turned away from the window when I saw him hanging up.

He came right inside and walked past me. “It wasn’t a problem. I’m just going to head out.”

I just stood there, still thinking about how happy he seemed to be talking to his friends. He never looked at me that way. I don’t think he would have smiled at me unless I’d fallen on my face. It just rubbed me the wrong way.

What also bothered me was the fact that he’d put on cologne to go play cards with the guys. I considered saying something, but knew it would just cause a tremendous fight between the two of us. As he was walking out, he leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. “Try to go to sleep when the kids do. You look tired.”

I expected an ‘I love you’, except he didn’t offer it.

There was definitely something wrong if he would rather be with his friends, than home with his family. Sick or not, I still required some love and understanding. Against his threats, I decided to internet search sites about cheating. I’d only caught him the last time because the girl he was seeing was the mother to one of my children’s friends, who we happened to know since we were in grade school. It didn’t just rip my heart to shreds. His actions humiliated me.

Why was it so hard for him to dedicate himself to our family? What was I doing wrong?

For the next couple of days I did everything in my power to do nice things for my husband. I’d even gone and gotten some new underwear and planned a romantic evening between the two of us. With Gavin’s mother on board, I had a babysitter for the night.

After I dropped them off and came home, I showered and put on only my new bra and panties. I felt sexy and spent an extra few minutes really dolling myself up. I was excited. We hadn’t had a night alone in so long. I just wanted it to be perfect.

Gavin usually came home around six. By that time, I’d had dinner done and was just waiting for him to walk in the door. It may have looked ridiculous, but I sprawled myself across the couch, trying my hardest to look seductive.

I wasn’t sure what time it was at first, but I woke up when I heard the back door opening. I stretched out my arms, realizing that I’d fallen asleep waiting for him. I straightened up the little bit of fabric I had on and walked into the kitchen.

Gavin was standing over the table, eating with his hands. He cocked an eyebrow when he saw me walk in wearing only underwear. “It’s nearly seven. I’ve been waiting for you.”

“Where are the kids and why aren’t you wearing any clothes?” He continued shoving the meat into his mouth.

“They’re at your mother’s for the night. I planned a nice night for us.” I put my hands on my hips expecting him to react to what I had on.

He reached over and grabbed a roll and took a bite out of it. Then he pointed down at the table. “You made this for us? It tastes pretty good.”

Pretty Good? “Where have you been? You could have called.”

“I was at the shop. We had people there, Vessa. I couldn’t just come home and leave them there. It’s bad for business.” He grabbed another roll and started to walk past me. “I’m getting a shower.”

I reached up and caught his arm. “Wait! I made this food for us to enjoy. Do you even notice what I’m wearing?”

He looked me up and down and shrugged. “Is it new or something?”

I was starting to get pissed. “Seriously? I am standing here half naked and you want to know if it’s new? Do I not look sexy to you?”

He laughed at me and started shaking his head. “Jesus Christ, Vessa. I worked all damn day and you’re going to start on me the second I walk in the door? You look nice, but I’m tired and you never told me you were doing any of this shit. I can’t read your damn mind.”

I felt defeated. No matter what I did to try to sway him back into romance, I failed.

Instead of following him into the bathroom, I changed into a pair of yoga pants and a tank top and sobbed on the couch. Gavin never even came back out. I heard him snoring a while later and then cried some more. I suppose it would have been easier if I had my mother to talk to. I just wanted to feel like someone loved me.

For the next week I continued to work hard on getting Gavin to want me. Each night he came home and ignored me. After five days, I’d pretty much given up all hope. I looked forward to going to work and being out of the house for a while.

Unfortunately, when I got to the bar the plumbing had busted. Two inches of water was all over the floor. The owner was standing outside on his phone. He put his hand over it and looked right at me. “You may as well go home for the day, Vessa. The repair guy can’t get here until after five. I’m just going to stay closed.”

“You sure you don’t need my help?”

“Yeah, take a day for yourself. I can handle this shit here.”

I climbed back in my car and started to go home. Since it had been a while since I’d been to the shop, I decided to stop by and see Gavin. For the most part they worked by appointments only, so it was important that I not disturb him during a session. I’d hate to be the reason someone walked around with the wrong name on their arm.

They never had anyone working the front counter, but there was a girl standing there. She had her lip pierced and had some kind of flower going across her neck. Her clothes were all black, very tight and very revealing. She flipped her dark hair back away from her face. “Are you here for a tattoo or piercing?”

I laughed and shook my head. “I’m Gavin’s wife.”

She seemed shocked. “Oh..Um, let me go get him for you.”

I grabbed her arm. “It’s fine. I know where to find him.”

“He’s with a client, I think. Let me just go check.” She seemed adamant, and I didn’t want to make him mad, so I stood still while she rushed by me.

Gavin came out but never smiled when he saw me standing there. “Hey, babe, what are you doing here?” He asked under his breath.

I don’t know what it was, but I got the feeling that he didn’t want me there. I wanted to know why and I was going to find out. If that bastard was cheating again, I wasn’t going to sit around forgiving him.

Chapter 3

Ramsey

As the months went by, there seemed to be no way out of reliving that night. I was haunted every single minute that I was breathing. I didn’t know what I’d done to deserve such torture, but couldn’t see a way out of it.

My job was mundane in my little old town, but it put food on the table and kept my whiskey bottle full. Maybe if things were different, I would be able to move on. I still missed them so much. I missed the way Jules hair smelled when she climbed into bed after her shower. I missed the way I never had any covers, because my daughter had climbed into bed between us and wrapped herself up in them. Then there was their beautiful smiles and the way they both told me they loved me; the way they showed me they loved me.

They didn’t deserve to die. I didn’t deserve this solitary life that I was being forced to live in. I’d rather be dead than to feel this emptiness every day for the rest of my life.

There was one thing that made me focus on something else other than my girls. Ever since I was in the academy, I’d grown to have a love for the game of billiards. I wasn’t the best there was, but I was a damn good shot. To keep my personal life separate from being the sheriff, and not allowing anyone in my small town to pry, I would drive a town over to shoot a good game and walk away with a few more or sometimes a few less dollars in my pocket.