Blog of a Bully (12 page)

During the car wash, we had many people come in with things written on their cars, but they were not as mad as we thought they might be. I was happy to see that these adults had more school spirit than what I would have guessed. Some of the car owners even stayed to help out the dozen or so students who were washing cars. There was only one person who was upset that we drew on his truck. He refused to donate a thing, which is fine, but he really wanted his truck to get a deluxe wash without forking over a dime. Oh well, can’t grow tomatoes without finding one worm.

 

The car wash went well. It was a hot day, and we went a little crazy and sprayed each other. Just as predicted, Angela didn’t show up. I could only assume her French tutor refused to let her skip her elocution lessons. I don’t know—I made that up. Why would a French person teach elocution, and why would anyone from Texas sign up for elocution lessons?

Around 3 p.m. we finished washing the last car. This was the longest car wash I have ever taken part in. I guess it would have been quicker if we weren’t goofing off half the time. Maybe we should have only written on half of the cars we did. Well, it was fun anyway. We packed up and headed home. Jacob came up with the plan of hitting up a fast-food joint for food.

On our way there—do you remember that one guy with the truck that demanded a deluxe car wash? Well, he pulled up right in front of us. He insisted that we missed a spot on the bed of his truck and we needed to clean it. “Dude, get a life,” was the only thing I thought of to say, so I kept my mouth shut, and the three of us looked around the back for a dirty spot.

We found it, all right; it was us. When we looked at the back, that’s when Donald and Tim popped up from the back of the truck holding buckets of mud. Before we could do a thing, we were covered. I could feel the slimy but coarse grains of dirt scraping my skin as it nailed me in the face. I had my eyes closed, but I could hear Jacob yelling. Yelling is probably the worst thing you could do if someone is dumping a bucket of mud on your face. There is a time and place for yelling, and this wasn’t it. His yelling was quickly followed by a muddy gurgling, spitting sound. Poor kid got the worst of it.

The truck started up, and they took off in a flash. It was a drive-by mud dumping. Well, we couldn’t get food looking like that, and it sounded like Jacob was now full. We went back to my place and hosed each other down. I was somewhat upset at myself for not having amazing catlike reflexes. But Jacob was very mad. He couldn’t stop talking about what he is going to do to those two when we get back to school.

Come to find out, the owner and driver of the truck is Tim’s dad. I wish parents would stay out of our little school wars. Parents only make things harder for us. I guess I’m only saying that because I know my folks would never help me dump mud on a few kids. Must be nice to have parents who help with evil plans. All my parents do is remind me to do my homework, brush my teeth, get out of bed, mow the lawn, take out the trash, and scrub my fingernails.

Buzz wasn’t very upset. He actually looked like he’d had fun. I asked him what’s up, and he informed us that he’d counted the donations and we had made a little over four hundred dollars. He knew this would make the principal happy. If you’re a girl, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. If you are a desperate teen trying to date a man’s daughter, the way to the man’s heart is through his wallet. Buzz knew the car wash funds would win the old man over. The day is ours after all.

Sorry, I ran out of cookies. But don’t worry; I will go to the store on my way home tomorrow. But, if I did have a cookie, the fortune would most definitely say something like this:

He who throws mud will get mud in return.

So, you better watch out, you better not cry, but you might get a little mud in your eye, because Bradley is coming to town.

Monday, April 4th, 2011

8:09 p.m.

A Cold Chili Day

I woke up this morning wanting revenge. I grabbed a can of chili and told myself to get ready to open a locker. Arriving at school on my bike, I darted to Donald’s locker. I mentally prepared to open a locker the only way I know how to, which so far has worked 100% of the time. I got a nice twenty-foot head start and BANG! As I fell backward, I saw that it hadn’t worked. I decided not to try that again, so I tossed the chili in my bag and left defeated.

When school started, Buzz was personally congratulated by the principal over the intercom for the amazing job he did organizing the school car wash. It’s always nice to be recognized for a big achievement by the father of the girl you want to go out with. But from talking to Buzz, it’s apparent his plan for impressing Angela’s dad is not over.

During lunch I sat with Buzz and Jacob, and I told them about how I failed to dump chili in Donald’s locker. Jacob was mad because he wants to get Donald and Tim back for the mud as well. Right then, Tim came walking in with a big smile on his face like he was king of the school. Jacob asked if I still had the chili. I said yes and that it was in my backpack. Before I could say another word, Jacob was rummaging through my things, got up when he found the can, popped the tin lid off, and speed walked toward Tim.

It was a classic approach. Jacob tapped Tim on the shoulder; Tim turned, still smiling, and said, “Hey.” Jacob quickly said, “Hey,” back and flung chili all over that poor little boy. For once in my life, I was happy my parents didn’t buy chili with beans; this was a no-beans can, which made the chili extra saucy. Tim just stood there, screaming, but not a sound came out of his mouth. For a second, I thought I could hear dogs barking in the background.

Right then, the intercom came on and asked Jacob to go to the office because he would be checking out. I vaguely remembered Jacob mentioning he had a dental appointment to go to this afternoon. What perfect timing. Jacob ran to the office and was checked out by his mom. Meanwhile, Tim still stood in the cafeteria in shock. The bell finally rang, and Buzz and I departed for our next class. Tim still stood there, frozen in time. I didn’t see Tim in any classes after lunch, so all I can assume is that when he snapped out of it, he ran home.

This war has now escalated to the next level. There was nothing sneaky about what Jacob did. Most of what we had previously done had been in private. But now we are attacking in public, without any way of hiding ourselves to make our pranks look like accidents. What will be next, weapons? I hope this is over before that starts to happen. Man, Jacob really took his anger out on Tim.

A kind word warms for three winters.

Yes, and so does hot chili if you wear it right.

Wednesday, April 6th, 2011

9:29 p.m.

Don’t Smoke

Today I decided to bring a little something something to school. Do you remember those fireworks my parents brought back from their trip while I was stuck in wonderland? Well, I shot off a few last night, and it turns out a few of them are smoke bombs. How exciting! So I figured while everyone was changing for PE, I would set one off, hoping that Tim or Donald would run out of the locker room half dressed, thinking there was a fire.

Well, the sad thing is that it started to rain. When there is a rainy day, during PE we just sit in the gym. We don’t even suit up. So that put a damper on my smoke bomb plan. Now all I need is Jacob to come along and fix my plan.

While we all sat in the gym during PE, I noticed that Donald was having a hard time holding still. In universal sign language, that usually means that you need to go to the bathroom. To avoid having to raise his hand in the middle of a gym with a hundred other students watching and ask to go to the bathroom, Donald snuck off. I’m glad I was watching; when I saw him sneak off, I snuck off too.

Donald shut a stall and locked it. Looking at his feet, I could tell that he was sitting and that he might be in there for a while. It was now or never. I grabbed the smoke bomb from my backpack, lit it, and then quickly left the bathroom. I walked in the middle of the crowd and waited for the show to begin.

A frantic cry of horror came from the men’s bathroom. Donald must have been lost in all the smoke, not knowing what to do. Everyone’s heads turned to see what was going on. Right then the door flung open, smashing the wall, and Donald came wobbling out like a penguin running from a sea lion. His pants were around his ankles; luckily he had managed to get his boxers back up before he left the bathroom. Everyone was too busy laughing to hear him yelling “fire!” Then, Donald pulled his pants up, pushed a few students to the side, and ran out of the gym. The prank couldn’t have gone better if Jacob had done it himself. That’s what Donald gets for dumping mud on us.

Right after school, I asked Buzz if he was coming over today, and he said he was busy tutoring younger students after school. This kid never ceases to amaze me. Now he is off helping young students pass their classes. What’s next? Will he give his house to the homeless?

May life throw you a pleasant curve.

Buzz has thrown enough curves to last me a lifetime.

Sunday, April 10th, 2011

5:13 p.m.

Dance Plans

This weekend has been shocking. Nothing has happened with Donald or Tim. I figured they would have done something already, but nothing. Not even a single scrambled egg.

Buzz came over, and we talked about what to do and how to ask Angela to the dance. The dance will be held Friday night, April 29th, starting at eight. We decided to call in our forces (Jacob) to make a plan. Jacob said he was going to be late because he was still eating. That’s fine; he is a growing boy.

Jacob finally came over, and we got to work with the plans. Buzz surprisingly had mapped out in his head everything we were to do. Buzz really didn’t need us—he could have done just fine without us, but we were there to support him, and I will do anything he tells me to do.

The plan included a big poster board, and I mean big: as big as a door. On it we drew, or at least tried to draw, a picture of Buzz and Angela dancing in a very formal setting. Maybe a little too formal, with a hint of fantasy. Buzz was dressed in a tuxedo, waltzing with Angela, who was wearing a very beautiful white evening gown with a long pearl necklace, on top of a lake with the moon shining in the background. Not to mention the stars were radiant. On the bottom, Jacob wrote in surprisingly elegant handwriting:

It was breathtaking. Who would have thought three goofy kids could make such a pretty poster? I didn’t want to even give it to Angela. I wanted to save this to show my future kids that I was able to draw when I was young. The heavens had opened and blessed our hands to make a masterpiece. Of all the girls in school, Angela deserves this poster because of all she has gone through with us. So, the plan is in effect, and we all know what we are to do. I will tell you about it later.

There is a true and sincere friendship between you and your friends.

Well said, cookie, well said.

Monday, April 11th, 2011

6:56 p.m.

Man, I Need Some Sleep!

At three in the morning, Jacob woke me by tapping a cold, uncooked hotdog on my face. What is his problem? Then, to make my waking experience even more enjoyable, he ate the thing. Does he ever stop eating? I put on all black so I wouldn’t be seen in the night and crept out of my house.

It was just barely sprinkling; not really enough to get you wet but enough to put a chill on your cheeks. Buzz was waiting for us, and he had the duct tape. Jacob had brought a stapler, to use as a last resort.

The world is calm and peaceful at three in the morning. No cars driving by dumping mud on you, no kids running around screaming for the ice cream truck to stop. The world had a special glow about it. Looking up at a street light with the darkness surrounding it, seeing the sprinkles of water glittering around the glowing light really placed my mind at peace. All the fighting and all the troubles in the world became pointless and obsolete. I wanted to stay frozen there at that point in time forever. But I knew the sun would come up, school would start, and that feeling would go away.

It went away sooner than expected. Jacob started complaining about how hungry he was, and I remembered we had a job to do. I see now why people run off and live in the mountains—they need the peace.

We arrived at Angela’s house. Looking around, we saw that all the lights were off, which usually means everyone is sleeping. We moved quickly, creeping to the front, trying to keep quiet. We taped the poster to the frame of the front door so that when Angela and her dad opened the front door to leave for school, they would be trapped in their house. They would swing the door open, and the big poster would be revealed like a great big, unexpected present. Luckily, their door swings inward instead of outward. If it swung outward, then this plan would be wrecked.