Blog of a Bully (5 page)

When I got home, I was sent straight to my room without my after-school snack. Or dinner. Or dessert. I wasn’t surprised, but then Mom said something that did surprise me. She said, “Don’t think this gets you out of participating during Jessica’s birthday party this weekend. Now you will have to make the party extra special for the 15 little girls who will be attending. So while you are up there for the rest of the night, you should think about what you are going to do.”

I had completely forgotten about her birthday. I really don’t feel like celebrating this year, so we should skip it. Well, now what am I going to do?

Wherever you go, go with all your heart.

Looks like I’m going back to Saturday school.

October

 

 

Sunday, October 3rd, 2010

2:15 p.m.

What Are You Looking At?

 

Your suggestions have been fun to read this weekend. It’s nice to see that I haven’t lost all my readers. But your suggestions about what to do for my stupid sister’s party really had me rolling on my bedroom floor laughing. In text language, it would be “rombrfl.” One person said to juggle flaming potatoes. Ok, I understand the juggling, and possibly the fire because that would be cool, but do I have to use potatoes?

Another suggestion was to seize an opportunity when adults aren’t in the room to explain to the little girls that birthdays are not good and should not be celebrated, because birthdays just mean that they’re another year closer to dying! The reader promised from personal experience that kids will cry. Great idea, but that will only get me more in trouble. (I may still do it)

Pin the tail on the dork is my favorite and wins the comment-of-the-week award. I really don’t have an award like that, but I think I will now start one. The pin-the-tail-on-the dork commenter is the first winner. Everyone should applaud or at least give a golf clap now.

Impossible as it sounds, what I really did for the party was even better than the suggestions listed above. Thanks to my daydreaming during Saturday school, I remembered I knew a bit of . . . are you ready? Wait for it . . . I know a little ballet. My mom really wanted a girl instead of me, so she forced me to take ballet classes, and I am not ashamed to admit I loved it (ok, maybe a little ashamed). Mom took me out of ballet classes after she had Jessica, but surprisingly she never had Jessica take classes.

So for the party’s entertainment, I made a makeshift ballet tutu and danced my head off for those little girls. They loved the show so much that they invited me to their “Only Princesses Allowed” tea party.

 

I can’t wait for all of this bully nonsense to be over. I really had fun this weekend helping my sister, and I am sick of getting in trouble. I need to turn a new leaf and be a better person.

Your emotional nature is strong and sensitive.

Hey—just because I know a little ballet and want to be a good guy at school doesn’t mean I am sensitive. These cookies better watch what they say to me.

 

Thursday, October 14th, 2010

5:15 p.m.

Who Stole the Cookie from the Cookie Jar?

I preformed ballet for that little brat of a sister, and what does she do? Stabs me in the back when I’m not looking. I came home from school, and Mom was immediately asking why I didn’t tell her earlier that I broke her favorite cookie jar. I had no idea what she was talking about, but Mom didn’t believe me. She told me that Jessica went to get a cookie out of the jar and that’s when it broke. I was confused because if it broke when Jessica was getting a cookie, doesn’t that mean she broke it?

Apparently, as the story goes, Jessica claimed that I broke it one day and glued it back together so Mom wouldn’t find out. What a little liar. I didn’t get into too much trouble because Dad stood up for me. So I was only sent to my room. Thank goodness my parents don’t realize that since I am a teenager, being sent to my room isn’t a punishment—it’s a blessing. So, thanks, Mom. Thanks, Dad.

On another note, Halloween is just around the corner and I don’t have anything to wear. Any ideas would be good, but here are the rules. I don’t cross-dress, I don’t do gross, I don’t do vulgar, and I don’t do perverted things. So tell me what you got.

Let nothing distract you from your goals.

But Halloween is such a sweet distraction.

Monday, October 18th, 2010

7:56 p.m.

Great Ideas

Wow, I have never received so many comments on a post in all my blogging life. I am surprised how many different readers I have. You made my cup of joy overflow. I am still not sensitive though, so don’t keep thinking that. The fortune came from a cookie. It couldn’t possibly be right. Cookie, you don’t know me.

So from your many suggestions, I had to pick my top-five favorites. Coming in at fifth place is a lawn gnome. Lawn gnomes just sit there on your grass minding their own business when someone comes along and makes a Halloween costume out of them. Poor things; they never see it coming.

Coming in fourth place is a totem pole. I don’t know why I like the statue ideas, but there is something about a moving statue begging for candy that brings a smile to my face.

Third place goes to the person who suggested I be a secret agent mascot. I had to laugh because there is nothing secret about mascots. Their only job is to catch the public’s attention.

As for second place (which is not a good place to be because that means not only did you not win, but you are the first loser—food for thought . . .), the winner is the person who suggested I be a redneck hillbilly sumo wrestler. Two worlds that should never meet get smashed together for the pursuit of candy.

Finally, what we have all been waiting for . . . the winner of the week is the person who suggested I dress up as . . . SUCKY TUNA!!! I couldn’t get my mind off the sucky tuna. Is it a rotten can of tuna? Is it a fish sucking things through a straw? Or is it an Asian drink I am not familiar with? Who knows? That is the beauty of sucky tuna. It can be what you interpret it to be. Just like the joke about why the chicken crossed the road; the possible answers are endless. Congratulations to our winner. To everyone else, better luck next time and thanks for commenting—it has been a blast.

 

Now for the bad news: I loved your suggestions, but I couldn’t pick one to dress up as. So I think I will combine some of the not-so-unique ones to make something unique. I was thinking of a ghost pirate. I am still not too sure, so I will think things over and get back to you.

A smile will gain you ten more years of life.

Fine, have it your way. I will be a smiling ghost pirate.

Wednesday, October 27th, 2010

8:30 p.m.

Excited

It has been a little while since the last time I wrote. Sorry, I’m not perfect. Halloween is coming! Can you feel it? It is my favorite holiday. I say that, but when Christmas comes around, that becomes my favorite holiday. Maybe I like all holidays? Or at least just the ones that I benefit from. Valentine’s Day is not a favorite of mine. It is downright depressing. Once you get into middle school, the teachers stop forcing you to hand out cute little cards that say embarrassing things to every student in the class. That’s when you see how many people actually like you or have a crush on you. As for me, it is just another day to sit there and watch the rest of the world have fun while I do nothing. You’ll see. So I don’t like all holidays.

But as for Halloween, it will be great. My smiling ghost pirate costume looks good. Everything is in place: hat, beard, eye patch, lots of makeup, and scars. I’m stoked, but there’s one huge problem. I have a white, Texas-sized sheet to make me look ghostly, and it is too long. I’m going to trip on it all night. Sad to say, my mom doesn’t sew. Her mom did, but she does not. So I am stuck looking like I am walking in a dress the whole night. Hey, you do what you gotta do for free candy. That’s my philosophy.

Now about being a bully, I must say it is starting to pay off, if you can believe that. I was so busy coming up with things for my costume that I forgot about a paper that was due in English. Looking around my class, I saw a student who nearly cried the last time I talked to him. I named him Timid Tim. So I went up to him and told him my dilemma, and Timid Tim was happy to type me up a paper that night. I really thought I would have to struggle a little more to get this kid to write it, but he was so happy and willing to do that for me. I may just do this more often when I am in a pinch.

Continually give, continually gain.

Or in my case, continually ask for handouts, continually gain. This getting something for nothing could be a good gig.

Sunday, October 31st, 2010

11:07 p.m.

Halloween

This was the best Halloween ever! I mean, it sucked, but then it turned out to be amazing. Let me explain. Friday at school I found out through the grapevine why Buzz had been lying low: Buzz and his goons were planning on jumping me and stealing my candy. Not cool! I didn’t know what to do, so I asked Donald and Hercules if they wanted to go trick-or-treating with me. They wanted to know why. I told them and they wanted nothing to do with it.

I eventually convinced them to go with me, assuring them that Buzz wouldn’t try anything if there were three of us. So we went trick-or-treating, and I learned the adults around here really need to lighten up and have fun. It seemed like every house we went to, we were told that we were too old to go trick-or-treating. Hercules and Donald were not dressed up, so I assume they were told the same thing last year. I bet if I was sucky tuna they would give me candy. Whatever, I’m over it.

After a while of knocking on doors with no luck, we saw the Three Stooges. Again, if you have never heard of The Three Stooges, ask your parents. They would know. To my surprise, the Three Stooges were Buzz, Tom, and Doyle. Right away, we hid to the side of a house. I was shocked they had come up with amazing costumes. As for Hercules, he was surprised how full their candy bags were. He had a good point. How did they get so much candy if we didn’t have any? Should I lose the smile?

That’s when we heard exactly how they were getting candy. Instead of the normal “trick-or-treat” with the accompanied “please” and “thank you,” Buzz and his Stooges would go to a door and when the door was opened, they would yell “trick,” grab a handful of candy, and run off. That wasn’t very ladylike of them, so we had to do something.

Still hiding to the side of a house, I came up with a great plan and within seconds I convinced Donald and Hercules to go along with it. I got this idea from your comments on what to be for Halloween. With my white sheet being so long, we made a human totem pole. This wasn’t the easiest task to pull off without a ladder, but we did use the fence. I wasn’t sure if we had enough time. We placed Hercules on the bottom, hoping he would live up to his name. Donald was the monkey in the middle, with me on top. I could hear the Three Stooges getting closer, at every house yelling “trick” and robbing the people of candy. Would we be caught and jumped even though we had no candy?

We got our balance as the human totem pole, and I cleared my throat in preparation to project the deepest voice I could. We wobbled out just in time to block them. With the deepest voice I could muster, I shouted, “Hey kids, give me your candy!” Now that the event is all said and done, I have come up with a million better things I should have said, but at the time that was all that came to mind. It was effective. They screamed like girls, dropped their candy, and ran.