Blonde and Blue (22 page)

I sat in the car after Lilah left, watching the night slip away. The rain had let up, but it hadn’t stopped. Placing the Dragon Claw box on the passenger seat, I couldn’t resist opening the lid to slide my fingers along the smooth expanse of the blade. It felt like a part of me. Knowing what Shya had done to create it should have bothered me more than it did. Touching the magical dagger and knowing it was mine, I was smitten.

* * * *

Coffee in hand and heartbeat erratic, I made my way up Arys’ front walk. His neighbor, Mrs. Olson, sat on her front porch reading a book in the sunlight. The rain had stopped, allowing the sun to break through. It was a lovely morning.

She waved when she saw me. Her little dog came barreling across the lawn to bark at me, something he always did. He had no problem with the vampire that lived in this house, but he sure hated werewolves. The dog had been a gift to Mrs. Olson from Arys, after he’d killed the last one.

“Beat it, Frankie.” I hissed beneath my breath. “You can’t take me, and you know it, you little ankle biter.” To Mrs. Olson I beamed a big smile and waved. 

I felt Arys’ heavy energy inside. Standing in front of the door, I sucked in my breath and knocked. In a sinister motion, the door swung open, revealing nobody on the other side. Arys was feeling cryptic. Fabulous.

I closed the door behind me and turned to find Arys looming in the darkened kitchen. I jumped, spilling hot coffee over my hand and on the floor.

“Holy shit, Arys. Are you trying to give me a heart attack?”

He retreated into the living room, expecting me to follow. Ignoring the coffee spill on the floor, I did follow, squinting as my eyes adjusted to the lack of light. The windows were so heavily draped, not a sliver of light made it through.

“How is Jez?” With a dark brow raised, he fixed me with a pointed look. Instead of sitting down like I’d expected, he remained standing in the center of the room.

I shifted my weight from one foot to the other, feeling awkward. “She’ll be ok. I didn’t get a chance to see her yet. I ended up talking with Lilah at the office.”

“You’ll be happy to know I never saw Kale. Your illicit lover remains alive to tempt you another night.” His tone dripped venom, and I cringed.

I couldn’t say anything to that, so I sipped my coffee, seeking comfort in the simple act but finding none. If he was going to rant and rave, maybe even lash out at me, I’d stand there and take it. He had every right.

When Arys saw that I wasn’t going to offer an excuse or protest, some of the fire in his eyes burned out. “Dammit, Alexa! I want to ask you why, but I already know. I’ve been there. And, I gave in every damn time, too. But, it makes me sick with jealously, and I hate that I feel something so trivial and human.”

“Is it human though? Why are all negative feelings simply human in your eyes, Arys? I saw pain in the eyes of a demon tonight, and I know damn well she’s never been human.”

His jaw clenched, and his gaze fell to the floor. “I want to kill him. Part of me wants to do it just to hurt you. And, then this little voice, this little fucking annoying voice reminds me that would make me a hypocrite.”

“I’m not going to try to justify what happened. I know I can’t, and I’m really not sure what to say here.” Honesty seemed like the best policy. Arys was freaking me out a little.

“I have been where you are, Alexa. The power and the attraction, how it draws them to you, and they just can’t get enough. It’s what we are. And, it’s in our nature to take advantage of that.” Crossing his arms over his chest, he turned away from me. “I’ve been around a long time. Some might say too long. I have been with many lovers, though I have loved very few of them. Do you love him?”

Arys turned that drowning blue gaze on me, and I sputtered coffee. I knew what he was saying. Sexual energy was part of the feed. Arys expected that the allure would at times cross into a full physical expression. He was separating this into two categories, feeding and love. And, I knew what he wanted to hear.

“I don’t know.” Wrong answer. “I mean, I care about him. He’s my friend. But am I in love with him? I just don’t know.”

I fought to maintain steady eye contact with him. It was near impossible. He stared into me, and I felt like he was seeing parts of me I couldn’t even access.

A few steps brought Arys painfully close to me. “If you were in love with him, you’d know. So either you’re deluding yourself from your true feelings, or you’re using him. It makes sense. He shares your weakness, your pain. It unites you. And, for a few minutes, that brings you peace.”

White noise roared in my ears. Images flashed through my mind of Kale’s agony and his need when he took me outside The Kiss. I’d shared it, every emotion. Together we had sought escape. Maybe Arys was right.

I sat down hard on the couch, spilling my coffee again. I stared at the splash of creamy brown liquid on the back of my hand, wondering when everything had gotten so complicated.

“It won’t happen again.” It couldn’t. Kale was in love with me, and whatever it was that I felt for him, it could never be what he needed.

With an exasperated sigh, Arys picked up a photo from the mantel and put it back down. He was restless. The photo was of me. Shaz had taken it the summer before, when I wasn’t looking. It was a profile shot with the sun setting in the background. It had been taken at Kylarai’s.

“It will.” Arys sat on the opposite end of the couch. He didn’t glance my way. “I understand what you’re going through, Alexa, the bloodlust and the power. It’s so much to handle. But, I’m not where you are. Not anymore. I can only do so much to help you. But please, give me the chance to try.”

“Arys, I do need help.” My voice cracked with emotion. I willed him to look at me. “Things are changing. I’m changing. I’ll never get through it without you. Please, don’t let me self-destruct.”

Reaching across the center cushion that separated us, he took my hand. That small gesture meant a lot. “Ah, my wolf. If only it were that easy. Self destruction is a choice one makes. I’d assumed you’d be a vampire before it got this bad. I was wrong.”

“I don’t think anything goes the way we expect it to. Not in our world.” I abandoned what was left of my coffee on the glass top table beside the couch. Caffeine wouldn’t help me now.

“Certainly not as far as you’re concerned.” He laughed dryly. The sound was hollow. “You can’t make yourself a victim to the weaknesses anymore. It’s time to take control.”

“I know.” Fighting the bloodlust and its urges was taking a toll on me. I couldn’t keep doing it. “Resisting just makes it so much worse.”

“If you weren’t so damn stubborn, you wouldn’t suffer the way you do. Feeding on life, it’s what we do. Look at the rest of the world. Everyone is feeding off each other in this big, sordid mass of broken energy and fragmented souls. What makes us any worse than the rest of them?”

 He wasn’t wrong. The line between black and white had long since blurred to grey. Good and evil danced together, each unable to truly exist without the other. Humans had proven themselves to be just as evil as any of us. Still, the need to know I wasn’t like the vampires burned in me. I was surrounded by creatures that thrived on the lives of others, and I couldn’t accept that I was one of them. Not entirely.

“I feel like every night is a fight. All I want to do is give in, but I feel like letting myself is admitting defeat.” Sharing this inner truth with Arys lifted the weight of it. I didn’t want to constantly feel like I was fighting a losing battle. I just wanted to be.

“The only way to control it is to stop fighting. Otherwise, you risk driving yourself mad.” His expression was haunted.

I remembered enough of his early memories to know Arys had put up the same fight I had. That side of him ceased to exist. He was all vampire now and more than happy to be. Would I, too, one day look back at this and be glad I was rid of this part of myself? The thought was overwhelming.

“I hate Raoul.” The admission came unbidden as I sought a source to blame. “If he hadn’t attacked me, if I’d never been anything other than human …”

Arys released my hand, but he moved closer, his action demanding my attention. “You wouldn’t be here with me right now. Nor would you have anyone or anything you now hold dear to you. Don’t play the ‘what if’ game, Alexa. Life was never meant to be any way other than how it is. That’s one thing I promise will be proven in time. Living in regret is not living at all.”

“Listen to you and your centuries old wisdom.” I gave him a playful shove. “I don’t want to be like this, Arys, a slave to the power and bloodlust. I don’t want it to tear apart my sanity or my relationships with the people I love.”

“It’s a drug.” Arys nodded knowingly, reaching to touch a dreadlocked chunk of my disastrous hair. “As long as you resist the call, it will make you its slave. It’s only when you finally accept that it’s a part of you that you realize it’s really not so bad.”

Spoken like a true junkie. Arys had long since made his peace with it. I had yet to do the same.

“I’m not ready to let it become part of me yet.” My voice had dropped to a whisper. Constantly fighting the many hungers I possessed was draining. I needed to escape, if only for a while.

“It already is. It’s too late for that.” Arys turned the matted lock of blond hair over in his hand, but his eyes were on me. “You’re stronger than you think you are. Nobody can help you – you can’t even help yourself – until you believe that.”

The urge to crawl into his lap and find comfort in his embrace was strong. I didn’t do it. I feared his rejection. Fatigue began to set in as the previous evening caught up with me. I longed for sleep, the only place where I might find a brief reprieve.

Arys’ touch was gentle when he pulled me close and pressed his lips to my temple. “Go home, Alexa. Get some rest. There’s nothing more to say right now.” When I gazed up at him, wide-eyed and fearful, he brushed a soft kiss across my lips. “I love you.”

Stepping out of the comforting darkness of Arys’ small bungalow into the bright morning sun was disorienting. It burned my eyes, and I reached for the sunglasses that should have been perched atop my head but found none. I must have left them in the car. Scatterbrained and exhausted, I avoided home and instead headed for Kylarai’s side of town.

I needed to be alone in the comfort of the forest. I needed to be wolf. Sometimes I went there and believed everything would be right with the world if I never left. This was one of those times.

Chapter Fourteen

Despite the craziness of the previous night, I woke up at sunset in the mood to kick some ass. I needed to burn off the pent-up frustration and aggression. The approach of the full moon was causing my wolf to stir restlessly. It was less than a week away, and I could feel it singing in my blood.

Avoiding Shaz was harder than I’d anticipated. I knew I had to come clean with him about Kale. I wasn’t ready yet. During a brief phone call I told him I was spending the night prowling for something ugly to kill. I needed to pay Jez a visit as well. I felt relief when he said he was going to run with Kylarai. He’d be safe with her in our small town instead of in the city where assholes like Claire and Maxwell were waiting for the right opportunity to cause more chaos.

 After spending the day in the forest, a hot shower felt like heaven. I tied my hair back in a ponytail and dressed for a hunt in leggings and a black top that said, “Suck it.” I was hoping to find a vampire or other big nasty up to no good. I was eager to try out the Dragon Claw, and a good kill was just the therapy I needed.

Veryl would have been an ideal target. I contemplated it many times during the short drive from Stony to Edmonton. It didn’t feel right though. Not tonight. I wasn’t in the right head space for him. Tonight I wanted a mindless kill, something I could just have fun with. Veryl was different. With him, it was personal.

The bloodlust lurked, rising up to claw at my insides before slipping back into the recesses of my mind. Eventually I’d have to accept that it would always be with me. Ignoring it had proven to be careless and stupid. Sating the bloodlust was going to have to wait, though. The need to kill something that could fight back was dominant.

Finding vampires had grown easier since blood bonding with Arys. If I concentrated, I could feel them like a blinking beacon in my mind. I couldn’t pinpoint the exact location of every vampire in the city, but I could get pretty close. The Wicked Kiss lit up like the Las Vegas Strip when I tuned into the energy that way. It was mentally blinding, crawling with vampires.

Did Claire know I could do that? Anyone who did would be smart enough to cloak their presence. I thought about Maxwell’s blast of power, hoping to feel it out there. Nothing. Their time was coming. Claire and Maxwell would make their next move, and Arys and I would be ready.