Blue Persuasion (25 page)

“Are you saying you like him?”

“I wouldn’t go quite that far, but I think he might be okay. Walk me out.”

I took his hand and led him to the front door, not looking into the kitchen as we passed it.

We hugged tightly and he said, “You can reach me at any time, Blue. Please call or text.”

“Thanks, Bond.” I opened the door and watched him leave. With my back against the closed door, I tried to organize my thoughts. I knew if Helena were around, she would tell me to put myself first.
Let this moment be about what you need and stop putting everyone else first.

I entered the kitchen and said, “I need a drink and an orgasm.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

Dark Side Of Me

by Coheed and Cambria

A
t first, Tate seemed shocked by my proclamation. He opened the fridge, retrieved a margarita and a beer and popped the caps. “We don’t have much time,” he said as we both looked at the clock on the stove that read 4:30 p.m.

“Hopefully, they’ll run late. Come,” I said, downing half my drink and then tugging on his hand.

In his bedroom, I slipped off my shorts and panties and handed him the vibrator. Then I drizzled a bit of oil over my clit.

“Jesus, Blue.” His eyes flared with lust. “Let me kiss you first.”

“No, there isn’t time.” I didn’t add,
I don’t want you to
. But I didn’t want him to. I wanted the release without all the other complications my heart and head threw into the mix. I also didn’t mind if Tate were left with a straining hard-on. I liked the idea of him suffering.

“I see what you’re doing,” he said, and I felt sure he did too.

I pinched my nipples through my shirt and bra as he lowered the vibrator to my pussy.

He circled around my labia, grazed my clit, side-stepping my swollen bundle of nerves. Then he pressed down on my mound, causing my arousal to poke out farther. Teasing me mercilessly, my pelvis followed his movements in hopes that he would flick across my sweet spot. The tip of the vibrator finally rolled over my most sensitive place.

“Yesss,” I hissed, knowing it wouldn’t take me long to trip over to the land of fantastic. My hips gyrated of their own accord. I continued to tweak my nipples until my back arched into my orgasm. “Oh, yesss!” I shot past myself, and my thoughts, to the very place I wanted to be, hovering outside of me.

“I think I heard the door,” he grunted.

I waved him away, and kept my eyes closed as he shut the bedroom door behind him. I lingered in the afterglow, not wanting to move.

When I heard voices outside the door, I forced myself up into a sitting position and worked to get my bearings. Back in my panties and shorts, I brushed my hair, and straightened my top. I tipped my drink back and polished off the contents, wanting another.

I stopped at the entrance to the living room, watching Lainie and Stay talk to Tate.

“Here she is,” Lainie said, pulling me along to the kitchen. She took the empty bottle from my hand and replaced it with a fresh one. She opened a hard apple cider for herself. “Let’s go outside.” She moved me forward with her hands on my shoulders.

We sat down on the steps leading to the beach.

“Stellar view,” she said, scanning the beach and horizon. She looked back at me. “Bond called Stay just before we got here. He gave him the impression that things are rocky between you and Tate.” She took a sip of her drink and then set the bottle down beside her.

I knew Bond meant well but,
fuck
, dude.

“Tate and his rollercoaster moods are the least of my concern right now. How do I wrap my mind around never seeing my aunt again? She was my failsafe in life.”

“Like my dad is for me. I can’t even imagine. I don’t think you ever really get over something like that. I do hope you find someone who can be there for you. Like Tate, maybe?”

She looked so hopeful, I felt bad letting her down. “Yeah, no, I don’t see that happening.” I slugged some of my margarita and felt light-headed. I needed to eat something.

“Well, you have us, and we’ll always be here for you. I think you might be wrong about Tate. If Bond can let go of his past, I’m certain Tate can as well. Plus, you two have that thing.”

“Dare I ask?” I turned and leaned back against the post.

“Rip-roaring chemistry. The kind of legends.” She smiled broadly.

“When did you become the romantic?” I rolled the bottle in my hands and took another drink.

“Let’s just say that Stayman has made me much more aware of energy, and it’s hard to miss the sex wafting in the air.” She touched my leg and then said, “This place is great. Have you been in the ocean?”

“Once, the other night. I should go back inside and finish cutting the veggies and put the other food out.”

“Okay, I’ll help.”

Tate stopped me on our way to the kitchen. “Are we okay?”

“Can we deal with us later?”

His expression darkened. “Sure thing.” Right words, wrong tone. “Stay and I are going to grab more chairs from the garage.”

“Good idea. I’m going to get the cheese sticks and wings into the oven and finish the crudité.” I knew I was being mean, but I couldn’t help it. How would he have felt had I been the one to suggest the threesome?

“You were cold,” Lainie said, sidling up next to me.

I turned on the oven and continued cutting up the celery. “I can’t worry about him right now. I mean—”

“He invited us all into his home for you. He’s trying to—”

“Lane, you know I love you, but there are things—”

“I know more than you think, something to do with Bond being here. I’ll take your word for it, but here is some unsolicited advice: if you already know you’re going to forgive him, do it sooner rather than later. You need him right now, and he needs your reassurance.”

I paused in utter frustration. “I really think I’m capable of deciding what I need.”

“Yep, not hard if you pay attention. Trust me on this.”

I felt my tears threatening to surface. “I’m angry.”

“At who?”

“Helena for leaving for me, and Tate for being such an idiot.”

“It’s easier for you to be mad at him.”

“Yes.” I felt wetness on my cheek.

“Go, I’ll finish the vegetables. What’s going in the oven?”

“Breaded cheese sticks and wings in the freezer. Eighteen minutes for the cheese, longer for the wings.”

She touched my shoulder. “I’ve got it covered. Send Stay to me, and I’ll listen for the door.”

“I love you, Lane.”

“You too, girlfriend, now get.”

The cotton clouds in the sky had turned a soft magenta, enhancing the blue that reflected from the ocean.

“Stay, Lainie needs you in the kitchen.”

“Okay.” He kissed me on the cheek and gave my arm a squeeze.

I waited for Stay to go inside the house. “Did you tell him?” I asked, peering up at Tate.

“I think he put two and two together. He’s rather intuitive.” Tate rubbed the side of his face.

“Yeah, annoyingly so at times.” I sighed. “Lainie says if I plan to forgive you, I should do it now.”

“Do you?”

“Tell me something. What would you have done, felt even, if I had suggested the threesome to you?”

“I would’ve been furious, jealous, doubting that I could have a ... a...”

“It’s called a relationship,” I snapped, but then backed off. “No matter how dysfunctional.”
He can’t even say the fucking word.
“Maybe you should have considered how
you
would’ve reacted before you suggested the threesome. Have I ever given you an indication that I’d be open to something like that?”

“No, Blue, you haven’t.” He looked away. “Seeing you like that, on Bond’s lap, him holding you, it triggered—” Even in profile, I could see the memory was unpleasant to him. “It was too much. Then I tried to diminish my reaction by making it about sex.” When his eyes reconnected with mine, I read an apology in them.

“Fuck,” I said and dropped my head. I waited, not to punish him, but to be certain of myself. “Okay, but let’s be clear. Until we tell the other differently, we are monogamous. I know
relationship
is a dirty word to you, but hopefully you can live with monogamy.”

“I don’t want to share you.”

“Oh? Then what? You were lashing out?”

“Yes. Seeing you made me see red. Not Red, I mean.”

I cracked a smile. “Got it.”

“I promise it won’t happen again.”

“See that it doesn’t. I don’t think I could forgive you again if you make me feel like I don’t matter to you, like you did today.” I held out my hand to him and he scooped me up, perching me on the wooden railing.

“Thank you. I don’t deserve you,” he murmured against my mouth. He kissed me gently and then started to deepen the kiss.

“Get a room,” Cat said, walking out back with Kev in tow. She whistled. “Nice view. We should all go swimming later.”

I hopped down and locked into Tate’s gaze, reaffirming our connection. “I’m going to check in with Lane and Stay.”

He touched my bottom lip and smiled.

I quickly hugged Cat and Kev and headed inside toward the kitchen. Jacqs and Red intercepted me.

We embraced. Jacqs went out back, and Red pulled me into the living room.

“Bond wanted me to check in on you. It wasn’t his idea.”

“I think I’d feel better if Bond did a better job of keeping his lips zipped.”

“He’s very worried. He had to take off when you’re grieving and on top of that, he upset you. And I understand you both have parted company in other ways.”

“So much for things being kept a secret.” I fished my phone out of my pocket and texted Bond.

Me:
I’m doing okay, and I’m not upset with you. How long has Red known?

Bond:
Since the toothbrush incident.

Me:
I see.

Bond:
Don’t be mad. I want to see you tomorrow.

Me:
I’m not sure if there will be a service or anything.

Bond:
You’re not working, right?

Me:
Yeah. I’ll be in touch.

Bond:
I’d be there if I could.

Me:
It’s probably better that you aren’t at this point.

Bond:
Love you, Blue.

Me:
Love you too.

I peered up at Red and asked, “Did you tell Jacqs?”

“No, because her preference is not to know. I’m glad it was you. In many ways, I think you helped him heal more than Jacqs and I put together.”

I drew my head back. “Really?”

“You’ve let him be him and—”

“And he did the same for me.”

“Exactly.” He glanced outside and then said, “I’m very sorry for your loss. I remember meeting her years ago. She was a force.”

I smiled. “Yes, she sure was that.”

“Tate’s watching you. He reminds me of myself.”

“He’s more like a mix between you and Bond.”

“I can see that. Listen, Blue, we’re all here for you, however you need us. I’d like to go to her memorial if there is one. I know Bond wants to be there too.”

I hugged Red tightly, my eyes brimming with tears. “Thank you.” I might be a mess when it came to romance but damn, I hit the mother lode on friends.

He slipped his arm around my waist and led me forward. We parted in opposite directions.

In the kitchen, I found Stay and Jacqs. “Where’s Lainie?”

“She abandoned ship,” Stay said, smiling.

“We’ve got it covered,” Jacqs said. “Are you hanging in there?”

“Yeah.” I grabbed another drink from the fridge. “Thanks for helping and for coming.”

“Of course,” Stay said, holding out a bowl of chips to me.

I tossed a couple in my mouth and took the bowl from him. “I’ll bring this outside.” Passing the dining table, I walked out onto the deck.

Tate took the chips from me and situated me on his lap.

I felt split in two. Part of me watched my friends interacting. I made sure to smile at the right times and laugh at their jokes. It was nice to have them there and yet, I felt consumed with deep dread. Grief was there as well. Helena’s death, however, felt like a harbinger of worse things to come. What I really wanted was to be sitting on the sand, listening to the waves crash on the shore.

My heart still stung over Tate’s behavior. Even though I sat in his lap, I didn’t feel his energy surrounding me like before. I wasn’t sure if I had closed off from him, or if he felt tentative. Maybe it was the alcohol. I had already consumed three margaritas and planned to drink another. I ate a couple of cheese sticks when Jacqs passed them around but otherwise hadn’t eaten much all day.

Watching my coupled friends interact, I felt envious. Me, I was on borrowed time, but they had found their partners in life. Red just adored Jacqs who clearly loved him back. Lainie and Stay had softened each other. They seemed so open and radiantly happy. Even Cat with her defensive ways, the love between her and Kev was palpable. And then there was me, the forever bookmark, a holding place for someone else.

I didn’t rate a happily ever after or even a shot to get there. My body and my heart led me astray each and every time and those attracted back never seemed capable of more. Ann would say I attract what I feel about myself and what I’m capable of. I’m capable of great love, so why did I keep finding less than I deserved?