Blur (Changing Colors Book 2) (25 page)

“You weren’t the one that attempted suicide, Brooke. Jamie was the one that did that. I’m sure he has his reasons for why he did it. I can’t say I believe any reason is good enough to take your own life, but I wasn’t in his shoes in that moment. No one else but him really knows what he was going through at that point in his life. Do you know what triggered that, Brooke? Did he ever open up to you and really talk to you about why?”

He did. Of course he did. There was another side to Jamie that he didn’t share with anyone—not even himself most days. It took him attempting suicide to finally open up and tell me what was really going on.

To this day, I’m not sure I did the right thing. At fifteen, I thought I did. As an immature teenager, I thought I was doing the best for him by attempting to pump his stomach on my own. All I could remember was that scene from
Almost Famous,
where William watches the man and woman pump Penny Lane’s stomach.
My Cheri Amour
by Stevie Wonder was playing in the background as they shoved the tube down her throat and forced liquid into her body.

God, I still can’t watch that movie or listen to that song without having flashbacks.

I remember that song playing on loop in my head as I rummaged through the Wallace’s kitchen, not finding anything resembling a tube to assist with manually pumping Jamie’s stomach. So instead of calling 911, I took things into my own hands.
Literally
. I grabbed a bowl, tilted his head to the side, and shoved my own fingers down his throat to force his gag reflex.

It wasn’t the least bit safe nor was it the right thing to do. I was lucky it even worked. He should have received medical care. He should have been evaluated in a hospital, not only by an ER doctor, but by a psychiatrist, too. I was too young and naïve to realize I was only hurting him in the long run.

I know that now, but back then, I didn’t realize. I didn’t know hiding the fact that he attempted suicide would be something we’d both carry with us.
Forever.

“His father was, and still is, an emotionally abusive asshole, always telling him he’s not good enough. And most of the time, his mother was too busy putting on appearances to even notice him. Hell, most nights, Jamie spent at my house. My grandmother’s cooking was the only time he had a home-cooked meal. Compared to Jamie, I won the lottery in the family department.”

“That’s a pretty big declaration considering your initial rearing in life. Your mother and father didn’t seem the very attentive nor loving type.”

“Yeah, but I eventually got Millie.”

Susan nods. “The last time we talked about Jamie’s suicide attempt, I recall you saying something along the lines of,
that wasn’t his last attempt at self-destruction
. Tell me what you meant by that.”

My fingers make their way to my hair, twirling a lone curl in repetitive circles. “Uh…I don’t remember saying that.”

She regards me with an all-knowing expression. “I think you do. Did Jamie ever try anything similar to what he did with his mother’s Xanax?” Susan gives me a minute to process her question. “Brooke, this is a safe place. You can tell me anything, and it will not go anywhere outside the four walls of my office. I’m here to help you. The only way I can do that is if you’re honest with me.”

My lungs struggle to breath from merely thinking about these moments in my life, memories of Jamie at rock bottom. It doesn’t matter how much time has past or how many times I tell myself I’m over it, I’m not. They’re still just as painful as they were. Still feel like I’m finding him for the first time, broken and heart battered.

“Are you okay?” Susan’s gaze is concerned, and that’s when I realize tears have accompanied my lungs’ struggle.

Swiping the errant liquid off my cheeks, I nod. I’m invested in this part of my sessions. I know these are memories I need to relive. The only way to gain anything from therapy is to explore these demons, this baggage. “It’s just hard, ya know?” I admit, voice shaky. “This is stuff I never talk about, not even with Jamie, but I need to talk about it. I can’t hide it anymore. I can’t act like it doesn’t exist.”

“Then don’t, Brooke. Tell me what you’re thinking about right now.”

“I’m remembering seeing Jamie at rock bottom.”

“And when was this?”

“I was in college at NYU. It was spring break, and my best friend Lindsay had come back home with me to LA. We weren’t supposed to be back for a few more days, but we were both ready to get the hell out of New York. We finished our midterms early and caught a red-eye flight home. I didn’t tell Jamie. Every time we talked on the phone, he just sounded so sad, so lost. I wanted to surprise him. I wanted to see him smile and laugh and be the Jamie I loved. I thought surprising him would help bring that out of him again, if only for the short time I was home, but it was too late.”

“What was too late?”

“I was too late. He was already drowning in his demons.”

“What makes you think he was drowning?”

“Lindsay and I found him inside his apartment, in bed with two women. Not to mention the empty liquor bottles, the stench of cigarettes and pot, and the residual lines of coke on his nightstand. I’d say all of those things added up, made it pretty apparent he was drowning. When he finally told me what was really going on, I found out it wasn’t a one-time bender. It had been his norm for several months.”

“Wow, that must have been hard for you, considering Jamie and you were supposed to be in a committed relationship at that point in your lives.”

“To be honest, for me, it wasn’t even about that. I was just so disappointed, so sad, so damn angry with myself and with Jamie for letting him fall like that.”

“You were disappointed and angry with yourself because Jamie decided to abuse drugs and sleep with other women?”

“I was mad at myself because I had let him fall, and I wasn’t there to catch him. Jamie was in full on self-destruct mode, and I was too busy living my life in New York. I was too busy, too distracted, and he needed me. He needed me, and I wasn’t there.”

“Do you really think that you’re responsible for Jamie’s actions, his decisions?”

“No, I’m not saying that. I was just upset with myself for not being there for my best friend.”

“That’s understandable, but it’s important for you to remember that you’re not responsible for Jamie. You’re responsible for
Brooke.
Do you want to know what I think?”

I nod.

“I think that you weren’t responsible for the path he chose while you were away at college. I think it’s amazing he’s found someone who loves and cares for him
so much
that she wants to battle all of his demons for him, but at the end of the day, those demons are his, and his alone. The only one who can really deal with them is Jamie.”

Is a red-hot love triangle brewing beneath the surface of Mad Sounds?

Celebritygossip.com

Does love really make the world go ’round?

When it comes to our favorite celebrities, it’s a fact that updates on their love lives go around the world faster than the earth can rotate on its axis.

And celebrities are infamous for getting into love triangles because their lifestyles can get very complicated with their fame and money.

Who could forget the Brad, Jen, and Angelina debacle?

Now we’re wondering if a love triangle is brewing behind the scenes of Mad Sounds—the new show starring up-and-coming English band Careless Cockups.

Although the show is supposed to focus on the four sexy Brits of the dynamic indie rock band, we found during the first episode there will be other stars of the show.

Brooke Sawyer and Nigel Matthews are co-producing the band’s debut album and got a lot of screen time during that first sixty-minute episode.

We also got a glimpse into the lives of Alistair and Jamie Wallace, and what business is like at Wallace & Wright Records.

The second Jesse Bissette and his gorgeous brown eyes graced the screen, we were hooked. His laugh-out-loud banter with his equally attractive brother Dylan had us in stitches.

And to say our brows rose when Dylan and Brooke were together would be a huge understatement.

It’s safe to say everyone is curious about the type of relationship Dylan and Brooke really have. There were quite a few eye-catching moments between these two.

Since Brooke is engaged to Jamie Wallace, the heir of the Wallace & Wright label, it has us truly wondering if all is well in their relationship.

The two announced their engagement earlier this fall and were recently spotted leaving Nobu after a dinner with Alistair Wallace and Ari Richards, the producer of Mad Sounds. Pictures are worth a thousand words and it’s hard to believe by the unnerved look on Brooke’s face, that she’s really happy in her relationship with Jamie Wallace.

A source close to the couple revealed that things have been rocky between the two as of late, and they seem to be spending more time apart than together.

We had all thought Brooke Sawyer and Jamie Wallace were the perfect couple, but now we’re wondering if everything is really sunshine and roses in their relationship. It hasn’t gone unnoticed by sources close to the couple that there has yet to be any sort of wedding planning in the works.

Has Brooke found comfort in the arms of sexy rocker Dylan Bissette?

We can’t say we’d blame a girl for doing a double-take when faced with the delicious green eyes of that lead-singing hottie.

After the show, we took to Twitter to see if anyone else caught the sexual tension brimming between Brooke and Dylan.

@MusicismyLIFE

I thought Brooke was engaged to Jamie?

#MadSounds #LoveTriangle ? #DylanIsDreamy

@GossipWhore

I think Dylan digs Brooke…

#MadSounds #IWishThatIWasJessesGirl

@MrsCarelessCockups

I want a guy to look at me the way Dylan looks at Brooke

#LifeGoals #MadSounds

@DontHateMeCuzImB-UTIFUL

Did anyone else see that????

#TheHairTuckBehindTheEarSeenRoundTheWorld

#MadSounds #BloodyHellDylan

@MyLifeInTweets

#MadSounds #NewFavoriteShow

What’s really going on between Dylan & Brooke?

I guess we’re not the only ones left wondering…

Just how well do Dylan and Brooke really know each other?

More to come as this story unfolds.

Brooke

We’ve packed up the tour bus, headed towards Chicago for Careless Cockups’ first show. Not only do I get to enjoy life on the road for a short bit, but I’ll also get to see Lindsay. Somehow our schedules have synched up, and she’ll make an appearance at their show in New York.

The choice of concert locations is one thing our marketing and promotion team has done right. Careless Cockups will play in smaller, more intimate spots during their pre-release tour, which is why I’m the most excited about their show in NYC at the Bowery Ballroom. It’s probably the best venue in the city for seeing indie bands, either those on their way up or the ones holding their own. There’s always a clear view and bright sound from any spot inside the Bowery. It’s one of my favorite places to see live shows in New York.

The combination of the success of the show, Mad Sounds, and the smaller choice in venues has helped with ticket sales. Careless Cockups will be playing in front of sold out crowds at every stop.

I’m thrilled for them. They deserve this success. If there were a way to buy stock in bands, I’d be urging everyone I know to invest in Careless Cockups. I have a feeling,
a really good feeling
, this is just the beginning for them. This is just the start of their success. Not fifteen minutes of fame, but real success. This band has talent and longevity.

Despite the original plan for both Nigel and I sticking close to the band during their tour, I’m currently the only outsider on their bus. Well, besides Dean and Thomas, our perpetual camera shadows since Mad Sounds went into production.

Nigel’s father-in-law passed away unexpectedly, so for the time being, I’ll be running the album recording show behind the scenes while Careless Cockups tours. But I’m hoping he’ll be able to meet up with us by New Orleans. I need his recording expertise. He’s been doing this far longer than I have. I respect his opinion. Hell, I
need
his opinion.