Bodychecking (12 page)

Bella snapped. She fought like a tiger, her arms flailing, as she landed hard kicks to his thighs and blows to his chest.

“Bella!” he shouted, but she couldn’t stop.

Cedric flicked a light on, and she blinked several times before she came back from that dark place she’d gone.

“I’m sorry.” Bella pulled the comforter over her naked body and turned away from him.

She was more fucked up than she’d realized. She had always loved sex. Of all her partners, Cedric excited her more than any other man ever had. Their kiss had aroused her, causing desire to coil through her body—until the sound of his zipper triggered her memories.

Cedric rubbed her shoulders in slow, lazy circles. She wished he wouldn’t touch her. She didn’t want to be touched right now. Hell, she didn’t know if she’d ever want to be touched again. She tolerated hugging and an occasional kiss, but what he was doing right now seemed too…too intimate.

“I’m sorry,” Bella apologized once more for lack of anything else to say. “I had a flashback.”

“It’s okay, Bells. Be patient with yourself.” Cedric wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her backside against his body. He was giving off enough heat to warm the entire apartment yet still she felt as cold and stiff as a corpse.

She almost wished they’d done it so she could get that obstacle out of the way and move on toward healing. She didn’t have a clue if that was how things worked. She was bumbling her way through this process with a stubborn insistence she didn’t need professional help.

Maybe she was wrong.

“You okay, sweetheart?” he asked, and the endearment broke her heart. She couldn’t give him what he wanted. Not right now.

“I’m fine.”

“I want you to trust me, Bella. I want to help you whatever way I can, but I don’t know what you need.”

“I don’t either.” Her voice sounded harsher than she intended.

“I’ll wait for you forever. However long it takes, I’ll be here.”

Her heart cracked open, and she wanted to cry, but tears failed her. “I don’t want you to wait for me, because I’m not sure I’ll ever be what
you
need.”

“Bells.” That one simple word held so much agony and pain, so much grief, she made her decision. She had to move out, not for herself, but for him. Being here wasn’t fair to him; it gave him false hope, and she didn’t want to lead Cedric on.

Rumble hopped onto the bed, but Cedric didn’t scold him. The dog seemed to understand Bella needed him. He crawled to her side and lay his big body next to hers. Bella hugged him close and he only growled once.

“Tomorrow I am going to move into Izzy and Cooper’s mother-in-law apartment over their garage.” She spoke with utter certainty to drive home the point to him.

“Bella, I don’t want you to go. Please.”

Hearing him beg almost destroyed her, but she dug in. “My mind is made up.”

“Are you sure?” He tried one last time to sway her. She dug in her heels and refused to back down. She was doing this for Cedric, whether he appreciated her sacrifice or not.

“I’m positive. I’m petrified about staying here alone when you’re on road trips. Zeke will be gone in a week. The thought of walking Rumble at night by myself terrifies me.” She turned in his arms and buried her head in his bare shoulder, as her hot tears slid across his skin.

“Bella, I’ll do anything you need me to do. I wish you’d stay, but I understand your need to go.”

Of course he did, because he was an incredibly sweet man under the flirting and carefree grins. She lifted her head and touched his beard-roughened cheek. “Cedric, I can’t have a relationship right now. I didn’t want one before, and I definitely don’t want one now. Staying here isn’t fair to you.”

Cedric swallowed hard, as if fighting to find the right words to convince her to stay and let them work through this together. “Bells, I’m not giving up.”

“I wouldn’t expect you to.” She managed a smile. “You’re not a man who gives up.”

Cedric smiled back. He was nothing if not an optimist and a competitor. If only those qualities would rub off on Bella. She’d be a far better person than she was right now.

* * * *

The next evening, Cedric plopped down on the bench in front of his stall to get suited up for the game. His head wasn’t in this locker room. It, along with his heart, was miles away with Bella. As he’d helped her load up the last of her stuff into Izzy’s SUV earlier that day, he’d fought the urge to drop to his knees and beg her to stay.

Bella couldn’t have hurt him more if he’d handed her one of those fancy knives in his kitchen butcher block and let her cut out his still-beating heart. Honesty sucked. He’d been much happier pretending everything was fine, even when it wasn’t. As much as he hated to admit it, she’d probably made the right decision for both of them, but that didn’t mean he’d give up his campaign to win her over. Not a fucking chance. He’d change her mind, but it’d take time and subtle persuasion.

But for now Bella was gone, and Cedric needed to pull his head out of his ass and concentrate on hockey. Always hockey. The only constant in his life. His most beloved mistress. Or so he’d always thought. Hockey had always been enough, his everything. Only it wasn’t enough anymore. Call him greedy, but there had to be more to life than hockey. Yet right now there wasn’t, and he’d be smart to take care of the one love still in his life.

Love
?

He shook his head, still not certain his obsession with Bella could be called love. Infatuation? Attraction? Fucking incredible sexual chemistry? Yeah, all that shit. But love?

Yet, there it was—the truth bared for all the world to see despite his denials otherwise.

He’d fallen in love with Bella.

Cedric, the playboy of the NHL, had met his match. He’d gladly become whatever she needed him to be, as desperation drove him to stop her from cutting him out of her life. Only she already had. For now.

With a sigh, he bent down to lace his skates with the careful precision he put into every part of his pregame preparation.

Cooper sat down next to him, watching him quizzically as if Cedric had gotten a facial tattoo and Cooper was debating on telling him how shitty it looked.

“Hey, Coop,” Cedric said, breaking the silence.

Coop nodded, studying him with the same shrewd eyes he used to dissect his opponents when on the ice. “Bella moved into our studio today.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Not going so good, huh?”

“She needs time.”

“She needs more than time.” Cooper shook his head but didn’t elaborate.

Not wanting to discuss Bella any further and screw up his game, Cedric glanced around for Ice, but he wasn’t in the locker room yet. He smoothly shifted the subject. “My neighbor has a guest.” He spoke in a low tone, forcing Coop to lean closer to hear.

“Yeah?” Coop waited with unnerving patience for Cedric to continue. Cedric swept his gaze once again around the locker room, making sure Ice wasn’t there yet. Even so, he lowered his voice even further. “It’s Zeke.”

Cooper’s eyes shot open in shock. “Zeke Wolfe?”

“Yeah, one and the same.”

“Does he know who you are?”

“Once he found out, he couldn’t get away fast enough, but I guess he made friends with Bella.”

“She never mentioned it.”

“I know. I think she’s struggling with her own demons without taking on the Wolfe family’s dysfunction,” Cedric said.

“You’d be wise to do the same. Those three brothers have some major shit going on.”

“That’s what I’m best at—minding my own business.”

“It’s the Swede’s way,” Cooper teased, and Cedric didn’t dispute his statement. Yet Coop’s words felt more like an insult than the compliment he once considered them to be.

“At least you have your condo to yourself now, and your life can get back to normal.” Cooper watched him closely as if gauging his reaction.

Brick paused in front of them, hands on hips. “Did I hear that right? You’re single again?”

“Sure am,” Cedric said with forced bravado, but Brick didn’t notice.

“Awesome, dude. Let’s party.” Brick always wanted to party. Play hard. Party harder. That was the goalie’s motto.

“If you’re lucky I’ll let you guys hang out with me after the game, maybe even share a few tips from the master regarding hustling women.” Cedric had no intention or interest in doing any such thing, but Brick expected him to stay in character so he did.

Coop gave him one of those looks that cut through all the bullshit. Cedric checked his laces one last time and headed for the ice with his teammates, anxious to get to that one place where he forgot everything but the game and hopefully get his groove back.

The Sockeyes were having a decent second season, having won a little over fifty percent of their games. Their performances weren’t consistent, a fact that caused great consternation to the coaching staff. As an alternate captain, Cedric took every loss personally.

Cedric hated losing, and he’d contributed to those losses lately more than he could tolerate. Regardless of his frustrations and worries regarding Bella, this team needed his scoring and passing ability. They needed him to be Mr. Reliable again. His father’s voice rang in his ears with its usual accusations:
too stupid, loser, idiot, failure.
Yeah, all those negative words Cedric had forbidden from his conversations and his thoughts.

Yet, his father’s words were still lurking in dark corners, waiting to strike when Cedric sank low enough, and he’d be most susceptible. His father might not be in his life, but he still rented a room in his only son’s head. It was long past time to evict the bastard. Cedric deserved good things. He deserved people who loved him and believed in him. He deserved Bella, and she’d eventually figure that out with a little help from Cedric’s persuasive talents. He’d give her space for a while. In the meantime, the team had a game to win.

It was damn past time he helped the team win it.

* * * *

Bella didn’t go to the game with Izzy and Riley though she almost wished she had. Instead she cuddled under the down comforter in her little studio. Rumble lay at the foot of the bed snoring loudly. Bella flicked on the TV and flipped the channels until she found the game. She’d developed a fondness for hockey since Ethan Parker had stolen an NHL team from Florida and moved it to Seattle about a year and a half ago and hired the Party Crashers to work a team party. She’d met Cedric at that party, and it’d been instant chemistry. Try as she might, she could never resist his laughing blue eyes and brilliant smile.

Bella missed being in the arena surrounded by twenty thousand rabid fans and cheering right along with them. Nothing beat watching hockey in person, but she knew better than to go tonight. She couldn’t handle the crowds. At least not yet.

Hugging Rumble to her and resting her head on his furry though smelly shoulder, she turned her attention to the game and tried not to breathe through her nose. Tomorrow she’d give him a bath.

Rumble was a worthless guard dog, a disgrace to his Rottweiler ancestors. Leave it to her to adopt a dog as cowardly as she now was. He was a great friend though. She couldn’t imagine what she’d do without his cranky presence.

Bella’s gaze zeroed in on Cedric, who’d just leapt over the boards to go into the game. She’d texted him before the game with one of her trademark flirty statements. She might not be flirty in person, but she could fake it in a text message, and it felt good, almost normal.

Score for me, handsome.

I’d rather score with you.

She’d walked into that one, and deservedly so. Bella laughed, her first laugh in what seemed like a lifetime. It warmed her insides with a small ray of hope.

And, oh, that kiss a few nights ago. Memories of it cradled her to sleep and warmed her empty bed. It gave her hope in her darkest moments. She’d had countless kisses from Cedric, but none had shaken her to her core like that one. There had been more to it than the physical. Something almost magical or mystical or deeply emotional. She wanted to experience that emotional bond again with another person, but she’d need to heal first.

Maybe she could crawl out of this hole, maybe she could live normally again, and maybe, just maybe, she would emerge stronger and more grounded. If only.

Bella sighed and refocused her energy on ogling Cedric, a fairly safe pastime.

Cooper was a fast, powerful skater, but Cedric was poetry on ice. Cedric made flying across the ice backwards and spinning a one-eighty to go after the puck look as easy as switching channels with a remote. Perhaps he’d missed his calling as a figure skater. Bella laughed again. She’d have to tell him he was pretty enough and graceful enough to be an Olympic figure skater. He’d hate that.

Coop shot a pass to Cedric as he skated to the exact right spot to send that puck torpedoing over the goalie’s head and into the net. Bella leapt to her feet and whooped with the crowd. Rumble lifted his big head and shot her a dirty look.

“Yay!” Bella yelled, pumping her first in the air as Cedric’s teammates surrounded him in congratulations. She loved seeing his big, wide smile. He’d been as down as she’d been since the attack.

Bella felt a twinge of guilt and pushed it away. She’d messed up his life along with hers. In fact, for as long as she recalled, her presence didn’t seem to make anyone’s life better. Unlike her sisters, who made their guys better men, Bella made the men around her worse.

She’d spent most of her life embracing drama to draw attention to herself. Look what she’d done to Emma when she was struggling with Tanner. Bella turned it around and made it all about her. She was a selfish bitch. Why she did shit like that, she wasn’t sure, but she guessed it stemmed from being the forgotten middle child growing up. Bella never wanted to be forgotten. Ever.

She sighed, hating what she’d become, and no longer able to pretend she had been truly happy posing as a perpetual teenager.

Everyone wanted her to get counseling. Bella hated dredging up all her past mistakes and problems and baring them to a stranger. She already knew she was a screw-up, a flake, and now a coward. She didn’t need to pay someone to tell her that.