BOMAW Vol. 10-12 (172 page)

"One of your big roasts Quincy? I'm in, set me a place."

"Done!" He grinned, winked at his wife and made his way into the house to check on it.

"Come on son, mosquitoes are buzzing out here, been bit three times now, porch swing okay?"

"That's fine mom."

They both settled on it, with Ben sitting forward, his elbows on his knees, hands together, fingers in twined, his strong, long legs, gently rocking them.

"Ben, I-..."

"Wait mom, let me first, please?" He interrupted gently.

She fell quiet, nodding for him to go on.

"You know that I know?" He asked first.

"Yes - I know."

He sat a moment more, thinking and then had to ask, "Why didn't you tell me mom, right from the start? From the very beginning?"

Christine was ready for this, had been ready now for sometime after she'd purged herself with Quincy, she'd prayed in fact for a chance to do so with her son, and so, would not hold back, praying he could understand and would forgive her.

"Ben, I'd started that lie - first with my mother - as a - very stupid and scared young woman. I'd done a terrible thing by your father, Shawn, because I couldn't - handle him. I couldn't stand strong at a time when I was as immature as a girl could get. And, his incredible, silent intensity, scared me. He'd never done anything to me, physically, but I knew the harm he could do - he was unreal. I was too - shallow - too consumed by teenage thinking, to cope with him."

"Probably because you were, a teenager mom." He pointed out kindly, understanding already.

"That's no excuse for what I did Ben. There were other teenage girls, who - were very mature, I just wasn't one of them. I was in trouble - I..." Her heart was beating her up inside. "... and I didn't know what to do. I was horrified, scared to death, and - I thought about telling him, your father - but instead, I went to school, dismissed everything from my mind and carried on as if nothing had changed. Being, silly, caught up in a dare, and other nonsense young foolish girls talk about, I ended up - sleeping with Jake - while still dating your father. I tried to ignore that I was already pregnant. You know, don't think about it, it'll go away." She glanced sideways at her son, humble apology in her eyes. "Looking at the man you've become, oh am I glad, how I thank God, you didn't go away. My mother knew that I was pregnant, she had been keeping up with my sanitary napkin needs, and so, when they weren't disappearing, being used up, she put it together, besides, there were other signs. She finally demanded to know was I? Over and over, she badgered me until I screamed that it was true. Then she started pressing me about the father, it hit me - right then and there; I would be stuck with Shawn, for the rest of my life! I couldn't stand the thought of it, and so - because Jake had been the last person I slept with, I automatically said him. Once the lying began, with my mother, I couldn't take it back. She charged over to the McPherson's, dragging me along with her - and there - I - continued the lie. I mean, how could I dare, admit in front of them, in front of these three adults, peering at me, that I'd slept with Shawn and Jake? I was so ashamed, I burned with my shame, Ben. There had been times when I thought of killing myself. Especially when I had to face Jake, knowing he wasn't your father. He was so angry with me. Short, curt, resentful, and then, you were born. He knew. I know that he knew. Even so, you softened him somehow. He really, really liked you and started speaking to me again. He, never again mentioned to me, that you - were his brother's and not his. Not ever again."

She sat quiet thinking back to that time so long ago. She glanced up at her son, sitting next to her, so quiet, yet, no condemnation in his eyes. She reached up, gently caressing his slightly reddened skin from his fighting. Seeing his face, her hand gently on it, reminded her of all his other fights. He'd come home from school, angry, slamming into the house, kicking things, hating the world, and yes - at times, hating her. People were mean, vicious. All those that knew, suspected, if they couldn't get to her to taunt her, they got to him. Made his young life a living hell - tormenting him about something that had not been his doing. And all the time, she maintained her lie, refusing to change it. She sighed, her hand returned to her lap as she went on, "You would have thought, after that fiasco, I would have learned something. I didn't. I was still feeling bad, sorry for Jake, and ran into him at a party. We argued, he said I should be at home, with you, not out, drinking, partying. He forced me into his truck, to take me home, we'd both been drinking, and - I - was lonely, and well - one thing led to another and there you have, Kevin." She fell silent again, feeling so much relief of finally confessing it to him. Granted, he'd had to find out the hard way - but - had he not, she imagined she would have still hung on to the lie, and for forcing her to face it, confess it - she felt nothing but gladness. "I never thought I'd say this Ben, but - I thank God you did what you did, forcing me to get that - rot from my soul, because it was eating me alive son, but - I couldn't confess it, not to save my life, nor - yours. And I'm so sorry for being that weak."

Ben reached over and took her hand in his, "It's okay mom, it's out - it's over and I do understand. Regardless of how many father's I have, I only have one mom, that's you." He grinned, winked at her, joking.

"That's an awful thing to say to your mother, oh my!" Her cheeks blushed crimson, she had little choice but to grin, even in the face of something she should be ashamed of but she couldn't go back and do it all over again, it was years and years too late. Ben chuckled at her, leaning over he kissed her cheek, sitting back.

"He was ah, really - really angry, that no one told him."

"Ohhh, I can just imagine him. I bet he was fit to be tied."

"Yeah, that's pretty close. He couldn't understand why you didn't tell him."

"I should have Ben, trying to avoid living with him, I still had to live with his son. You are like your father - you are his son, through and through. You are brave, and strong, and forthright and demanding at times, that you are. Intense with a fierce temper, if lit. And yet, you are so gentle, kind and compassionate too, always always wanting to understand. I think Shawn as your father, and having been denied that truth, has made you extra sensitive, your capacity for empathy is what makes you such an amazing man, and I wouldn't trade having had you, for the world, I am so proud you are mine. As for him, how is he with you?"

"He suspected because of his wife, Sylvia. As it's all come out over the last couple of weeks, once she got a good look at me, spent a little time around me, she said to him, that's your son."

Christine put her head down, nodding, "I wonder, if - that's what brought him by here, so long ago, because of her."

"More than likely, but - it's over, let's do something shall we?"

She looked up at him, a question in her eyes.

"Let's start anew, from right here, right now - a clean slate, what'a'ya' say?"

"Oh son, are you kidding me, I can think of nothing that would bring me more joy! I don't ever want to go through anything like this again!"

Ben reached up caressing her soft cheek, "Me either, I love you mom, honest I do."

Christine grabbed him to her, hugging him tightly, tears in her eyes, "Bless you, bless you my son! I don't deserve you, but I thank God you're mine!" She sniffed, pushing away, smiling, "Come now, enough of that, tell me, what's this I hear about you and Gail, breaking up?"

"Ah, me and Gail, so you know about that huh?"

"Oh yeah, you know how things go, can't keep a combination to a lock, secret around here."

"Well, yeah, truth is, I decided that it was time to do right by her. It wasn't serious, for me, sooo - as it wasn't fair to - continue on using her - we've talked about it and at least we're still friends."

"That's good, and this new girl, who is she?"

Ben stared at her, "Geez, who told you - Kevin? Gail?"

"Both."

Ben sat staring out at the yard a bit, and decided to deal with this now, right up front. "Mom, I need to say this to you, and you really need to listen, okay?"

Christine nodded, immediately serious once more.

"The girl, or, woman, is Sylvia's daughter. Her name is, Crystal Bella Payne - Pre-Prescott. And it goes without saying, she's black. She's amazing, she's the mother of two little boys by her ex-husband. The oldest is Isaac, he's three, and the baby is close to two, his name is Darren. And you know what mom, they love me. Know what else, I love them, all three of them. I can't get them, out - of my mind. To put it all out there mom, she may never love me - the way I love her." He stopped because he realized he had tears in his eyes. Trying to collect himself, he sat up straight, placing his hands on top of his head, clasping his fingers together. Christine covered her mouth, again, his father's gesture. Shawn had often done that when worried, upset and unable to deal with what he faced.

"Don't stop son, tell me why that is? I can't imagine, any woman, unable to love you? Is it 'cause you're white?"

"No, her husband, or - ex-husband is white." He stopped speaking a moment, again seeing the look on Victor's face, the shock of what was happening. He also saw the look on Crystal's face, when she knew, that he had not divorced her as she thought he had.

"Ben, come on son, I'm all ears, what's going on?"

"I fell in love with a married woman, that's what."

"You said, ex-husband, they divorced or not?"

"Good question mom, good question. All I know is, that I love her. I love her, the way a man loves a woman, with everything in him. I never felt anything close to this, for Gail - as beautiful as she is, she didn't touch me, where Crystal Bella does. Anyway, the divorce is fresh, new, yesterday. He uh, claims that he never signed any papers, that he never knew. I'm afraid, she - just may go back to him."

Christine sat quiet, watching him, and didn't for a moment, doubt his words, she knew her son, the way he'd been with Gail, other girls, never had he been this way, or talked to her as he was doing now. She wasn't sure what to say to him, but to keep him talking said, "Tell me about her Ben."

"She's intelligent, insightful, considerate, honest, ambitious, mature, loves her sons, oh mom, loves them loves them. She's such a good mother, they come first for her. She's got a smile that when she turns my way, giving it to me, it - well..." Ben blushed, looked down at his mom, grinning embarrassed, admitted, " ... makes my toes twist and curl, because it goes all through me."

She laughed at the look on his face.

"Insane, huh?"

"Sounds like love to me."

"Yeah, it is. She's well, she's hung up on doing the right thing, because, that's the way she is, and - that's our problem. She's loyal to the bone, and is desperate to live her life in a way that lifts her up, from the low her father knocked her to. Something I can't begin to grasp. Because she's such a go getter, she doesn't feel sorry for herself, make excuses for herself, or whines about what she has to do, she just - get's on with it. She's going to school for nursing and she's a licensed cosmetologist. She's also living back at home with her mother, with Shawn. Shawn mom, loves her, loves her brother - as if they were his own. She is also, loyal to him, and won't let anyone, me included, dis her Papah-Shawn - that's what they call him." He smiled about it, reflecting. Sighing, he continued, "Oh mom, I want her, for me. I want her. She's exciting, and dances, she has a love for Spanish music as I do and moves with me-..."

"Oooh-weee, my my my, well that just nails it. You finding someone with a passion for dancing, like that."

Ben grinned again, "Yeah, right - and you know me. But you should see her, she's so full of fire, and daring, and passion. Her father, was half Puerto Rican, but you look at her, I think he poured a great deal of it into her, because she has such an incredible Spanish flavor enhanced from being black - she's just - just - wow ... yeah, wow."

"My goodness, Ben, you've got it bad."

He collapsed in on himself and sank back on the swing, resumed gently pushing it as he reclined there.

"She's gonna go back to him mom, I can feel it. And if she does, she'll regret it, because - she loves me."

"You sure about that, Ben, or is it, wishful thinking?"

His head rolled to look at her, "She is in love with me! And she's surrounded by pressure to do right - but if it's wrong for her, it'll never be right."

Christine sighed staring into her sons eyes. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, find a way, to make amends to my father, to Sylvia. I don't want anything, or - anyone blocking me from Crystal. So, you take what time you need, to resolve this in your mind, but to keep me, you have to accept her, totally and completely. She's very sensitive and has fears about being looked down on - because of her father. She will not intrude on anyone, or force herself on you. If she feels in anyway or fashion that she's unwanted, she'll be gone in no time. Mom, I love you - but - if I'm ever put in a place where I have to choose between you - I'm gone."

"Come on now Ben, as you've said, she may go back to him."

"I know what I said, but I also know this, she does love me - and the way I love her - is what she needs. So, if she does go back, it won't last."

"Son, just because you want it to be so, doesn't mean - that's what's gonna be. Maybe she just likes being around you, because you're that kind of guy. Doesn't mean it's love Ben."

He turned away to look out at the yard once more, then up at the sky, thinking about her words, because he'd thought the same, trying to get himself to back up and give her space, but she consumed him to the depth of his guts, twisting them into knots.

"I want Crystal Bella - I want Crystal Bella. And mom, if I have to wait - well then, good things come to those - who wait... right?"

He felt his mother warm, soft fingers at his brow, stroking along his temple. "Well, Benjamin Caesar McPherson, if that's what you want, then you do what you have to do. Look at Quincy, he loved me for years. Went away to school and came back, saw you and your brother, and look at us now."