Bondage (3 page)

Tobias called for the car, told the desk to let Noah in when he got there, and headed out. The drive to Bradford's was fine, the streets clear of traffic, but Tobias still managed to find himself creeping over the speed limit more than once. He left his car at the club with no trouble, happy enough to see that the staff seemed unaware of any drama; his own sudden arrival was the only excitement, apparently.

He walked over to Bradford's house in the next lot, deliberately not running, and pushed the bell, wondering if anyone had called Dr. Brewer.

Nikki answered the door almost before Tobias' finger was off the button. "Hello, Master Tobias. Master Bradford said to send you right back to his study, sir," the boy told him, not hiding his own worry very well. He took Tobias' coat and pointed the way, not that Tobias needed to be shown.

"Thank you, Nikki." Tobias stopped only long enough to grab his cell phone from his coat pocket. "It'll be okay," he added, patting Nikki's shoulder and walking to the office door. He knocked once and opened the door, not caring if Bradford got annoyed at him.

"Hello, boy," he said, looking to where Phan was curled into the corner of the couch.

"Hello, sir," Phan said softly, not looking up.

Tobias raised an eyebrow and turned to Bradford. "Nice to see you. Sorry I don't have your present with me; it's being shipped from Paris."

Bradford gave him a half-smile. "Always good to see you. Sorry about the circumstances. I can't wait to hear about your trip."

"It was lovely, thank you." He looked around the office and sighed. "All right, what the hell is going on? Phantom?"

Phan unfolded himself from the couch and stood up, his arms going behind his back in what was likely an automatic motion. "I'm trying to fix... everything," he said. "But, apparently, being a submissive is now a sign of a defective brain. Sir."

Tobias' other eyebrow climbed up. "I see. And is this something you think a clinic will fix?"

Phan snorted. "You're goading me."

"Of course."

Phan sighed. "I want to leave. By Master Bradford's reaction and your arrival, I understand that I'm not allowed to make that choice. It... grates, to put it mildly."

"I'm sure it does," Tobias said. "Have you discussed this with your doctor? I'm fairly sure that leaving her care is something that should be planned."

"No, sir."

Tobias turned to Bradford. "Remind me again about your contract? You're responsible for ensuring his mental health, are you not?"

"To the extent that he cooperates, yes." Bradford sounded exasperated. "I'm responsible for providing him with the tools he needs to progress in that respect; what he does with them is his affair."

"I see. All right, Phan. Will you tell us what you're trying to fix and why you think leaving will do that?" He crossed to a chair and sat down.

Phan stayed where he was. "I feel that by staying I'm perpetuating the cycle of dependence I have."

Tobias stared, surprised by both the matter-of-fact tone and the sentiment. It didn't sound like Phan. "How so?" he asked carefully.

Phan's gaze flicked in his direction, though he didn't raise it to Tobias' face. "We all know that I try to pay for happiness with pain. Now I seem to be diverging into emotional pain, and, worse, I'm hurting everyone else. Master Bradford has gone above and beyond what I have any right to expect, and Noah has... become a source of joy for me. I'm hurting people by drawing them into my healing process."

Tobias stifled a sigh and leaned back. "They chose to help you, Phan," he said softly. "Can't they have a say in this? And what exactly do you mean by doing the one thing you said you'd never do? Calling your parents? They won't help you -- they'll try to change what you are, who you are."

"He did that without my permission, incidentally," Bradford added. The man didn't seem to be much help at the moment; rather, he was as caught up in Phan's frustration as Phantom was himself. "I have not gone above and beyond, Phan; we have a contract, and I have simply honored my end of it."

"The time you spend with me is time away from Nikki," Phan shot back, his voice thick. "The chores I do should be his -- I'm doing things he wants to do, things he has the right to do. Every time you have to put off a scene with him to take care of me, it cuts him a little. I'm an imposition, and I'm hurting your relationship with him."

"How dare you take that tone with me. My arrangement with Nikki is none of your affair, boy," Bradford snapped back. "Nikki's welfare, happiness, and fulfillment are not your concern. You are speaking out of turn, and you're earning yourself plenty of strokes for it."

"Yes, sir," Phan whispered, the blood draining from his face.

Tobias looked at him and back at Bradford. With a sigh he said, "Clearly things here are... unsettled. Phan, what happened when you called your parents?"

Phan shook slightly and whispered. "They said they'd come and get me in the morning, that it would take a few hours to get the clinic ready for me. They were... happy to hear from me."

Tobias nodded. Of course they were happy; this was the chance they'd been waiting for since they'd found out their son was kinky. "Where's the clinic?"

Phan shrugged. "I'm not sure."

More like he didn't care, Tobias figured. Phan was running away, and he didn't care to where. "You do know that they'll strip you of everything you are. That they'll try to make you fit their definition of normal."

"Yes, sir," Phan whispered, the shaking more pronounced.

"And you want that," Tobias stated, letting his disbelief be heard.

Phan moaned and blinked rapidly. "I have to go," he said softly. "I can't... stay like this."

Bradford sighed. "Sit down, boy, before you fall down. Please. Just... sit." He ran his fingers through his hair, looking for all the world like he was ready to tear it out. "Tobias." Bradford's voice sounded hoarse. "This contract we have is not working for Phan. As much as I want to help him, I am not what he needs. My style grates with him, my rules frustrate him. He tries to be a good boy, he does what he's told, but inside he's just going through the motions. He's gaining absolutely nothing from it. No confidence, no sense of worth, no joy, nothing. The only thing that is growing in him day by day is this sense of imposition, and his guilt over it. It's become worrisome and counterproductive." Bradford pushed away from his desk and leaned back in his chair. "That is what I was going to tell you tomorrow night, but it might as well be said now in light of where we've found ourselves."

Tobias nodded, watching as Phan folded himself into the corner of the couch again. "Yes, that's fairly clear, I think. Did you have any suggestions?"

"There's only one that makes any sense and it won't sit well with either of you." Bradford pulled out his cigarettes.

"I'm going to want one of those, aren't I?" Tobias asked.

Bradford held out the pack and offered Tobias his lighter. "The only suggestion I have, the only productive one, is that
you
take Phan on again."

Tobias took the package and lit a cigarette slowly, deliberately not looking at Phan. "I've got a sub," he said evenly. "One who is very worried about that very thing happening."

"You asked me for my suggestion, and I'm giving it to you, Tobias. You don't have to take it, but it's all I've got to offer. This arrangement will only get worse for both of us. I haven't discussed any of this with Dr. Brewer; perhaps she will have a... more readily acceptable suggestion."

But he doubted it. Tobias knew damn well he'd left that opinion out.

"It's not about the suggestion being palatable," Tobias said. "It's about it being workable. I promised Noah a long time ago that I wouldn't bring another sub home with me. He's more than happy to play with Phan -- I'd say eager to -- but that doesn't mean he's willing to accept me contracting with someone else. Part of the reason we're moving and giving Phan the apartment is because Noah wasn't terribly comfortable with living somewhere that Phan owned."

From the couch Tobias heard a soft noise, and his gaze went there automatically, on instinct. Phan was staring up at him, his eyes wide and meeting Tobias' for the first time in what felt like months.

"You're giving me the apartment?" Phan asked.

"Of course," Tobias said, hoping it would make a difference but reasonably certain it wouldn't. "I always want you to have a safe place, Phan. It's yours."

But Phan shook his head. "It was never the apartment that was my safe place," he said, looking down and folding up again.

Bradford looked at Tobias and gestured toward Phan in a manner that seemed to say "I told you so," but he didn't say anything.

Tobias sighed. "Phan, what do you want?" he asked. "You wouldn't tell Noah, you're not saying anything here except what you don't want. So tell us. What do you want, ultimately?"

Phan shook his head. "Doesn't matter. Won't work."

"Well, it certainly won't if you don't tell us."

Phan shook his head again, and Tobias suddenly realized the boy was crying silently, tears streaming down his face. He looked helplessly at Bradford.

Bradford stood and went to Phan, kneeling momentarily beside him. "I want you to go upstairs to my bed, boy, and try to get some rest. I'll send Nikki with you, okay?"

Phan shook his head but stood up and went to the door, not looking back. Tobias saw Nikki in the hall, watched as Phan walked into the other boy's arms, and then the door swung shut on them.

"Damn," Tobias said softly, taking another drag off the cigarette. "Has he been sleeping at all? He looks like he's lost weight, too."

"He sleeps better in my bed than his, but he doesn't sleep well. And, no, his appetite has been in the toilet too, though he told me Noah made him eat a big dinner tonight." Bradford shook his head and picked up his cigarettes. "Drink?"

"God, yes," Tobias said gratefully. "And don't hide the nicotine. Jesus, Bradford. What am I going to do?"

"I've been asking myself that very question every day for the last month. I know intervening was the right thing to do, I know he was headed for destruction if he'd kept on that path, but is he better off now? I hate having to second-guess myself." Bradford set a bottle on his desk and poured two glasses. "He needs you. I promised you I would tell you if I thought he really did, and I think he does. He associates you with his self-esteem, his well-being, his happiness; the Phan that needed a beating to feel happy is gone now, and that was the boy who left you. The one that wanted to stay is the one that just walked out that door."

Tobias took one of the glasses and studied it carefully before swallowing the whole drink, neat. "He'll die if he goes with his parents. The therapy will either drive him back to drinking, or he'll kill himself when he can't conform to what they want."

"So we're agreed we're not going to allow him to go," Bradford said plainly.

"Yes. Hell, yes. His protests aside, I'm not about to watch him walk out of here with them." Tobias looked around for an ashtray and stubbed out his cigarette before pouring another drink. "But after that... God. Noah is not going to like this. And I won't lose him as well." He couldn't.

"Phan has a point about Nikki. I didn't want to validate that with him sitting here, but Nikki's definitely being affected by this." Bradford sipped his whiskey and took a seat again. "Nikki understands why I'm doing this, and he likes Phan, so he's made a sacrifice for me. If I could keep this up I would, but he doesn't... we have no connection, Phan and I. There is no reason for him to please me."

Nodding, Tobias turned his glass in his hand. "Serving isn't enough," he said softly. "Without a connection the dynamic is off, and it's just going through the motions." He looked at Bradford and made a face. "When did this get so complicated? When we were younger, it was enough to know how to hit them right. Now it's all about love and connection and meeting needs... God."

"When we stopped playing and started looking for contracts? Or, in my case, when the contract dissolved and I had a lot of mistakes to learn from. Jesus, I feel old." Bradford knocked back the rest of his drink. "So what are you going to do? Maybe if you give Phan the apartment and... except he shouldn't live alone, should he? Damn."

Tobias shrugged and reached for the cigarettes again. "The apartment is his, or will be as soon as I call my lawyer. Do you really think he shouldn't live alone? I don't suppose playing once in a while is going to work, is it?"

"Playing with you and Noah?"

"Yes, of course."

"That might placate him short-term." Bradford looked at him meaningfully.

"Which will give Phan a chance to find his feet, Noah a chance to be more secure, and me a chance to... God, two subs? This is insane."

"So you're talking about contracting him then?"

"What? No. God, no. I can't even think about that yet. Noah would have my balls. He carries a gun, you know. Cop."

Bradford laughed. "You're a piece of work."

Tobias smiled and shook his head. As he lit the cigarette he leaned back and sighed. "You're sure he needs me?"

"Right now, yes. I'm useless to him, and I can't imagine trying to find him yet another Dom. He doesn't want one, anyway." Bradford finally lit the cigarette he'd been playing with and took a long drag. "Let me know if you need a hand with Noah; maybe I can help smooth it over. I still have his ear."

"Just keep your hands off the rest of him," Tobias said absently. "Oh, you'll be getting a catalogue from Paris, by the way. Some nice things that might interest your Nikki."

Bradford smiled "That sounds delightful. Once we get Phan settled, I owe Nikki some spoiling."

"I'm sure." Tobias smoked silently for a few minutes, trying to decide how he felt about Phan needing him. It was... flattering, part of him noted, and a little bit of a triumph as well, soothing the part of him that had hurt so bad when Phan had used his safeword and started the end of their relationship. It had been a blow to know that what Phan needed him to stop doing was the one thing he could not have stopped: being himself. And now that Phan's needs had changed enough for him to once more want Tobias... "I think I hate myself right now," he told Bradford, reaching for the bottle and his glass once more.