Bonnie Kaye's Straight Talk (14 page)

Now, if I had heard any of these stories, once, twice, or three times, I might think that there are some oddities here. But I hear them often. And boy, are we confused.

So here’s my overall answer—BEATS ME. Yep, I’m the first to admit that I just don’t understand it all. And guess what? I DON’T WANT TO UNDERSTAND IT ALL. It seems much too complicated for me to analyze and pick apart. It would probably take me years to look for the psychological reasoning of each man’s sexual differences.

I can give you the standard gay theory that sexuality is on a continuum. Some people are totally heterosexual, and other people are totally gay. But many are somewhere in between the two ends. So where does that leave us? With a world filled with men who are sortakinda gay but not really? I don’t think so.

I’ve been attacked by groups of “Bisexual” men who claim that I see things in terms of black and white when there are many shades of gray. Okay, I’m guilty of that accusation. But let me tell you why.

Even if a man is capable of having sexual encounters with a woman, I have issues with being with a man who is thinking of men, fantasizing about men, viewing gay porno, and finding himself in gay chatrooms for sexual stimulation. It makes me uncomfortable. I would always have to wonder if he is turned on by me or by fantasizing about men when he is with me just so he can sexually perform. I would think about that during every sexual encounter, taking away the possible pleasure even if there could be pleasure.

One of the problems that so many women face is that lack of admission by their husbands about homosexuality. These men claim that they are straight, regardless of the fact that they are into gay porno, videos, chatrooms, etc. When their wives bring up the subject of possible homosexuality, their husbands go into tirades calling their wives crazy, delusional, and paranoid. All this does is further diminish any sense of self-trust a woman has. She starts questioning over and over in her mind if she is imagining something that isn’t there. The truth is, women who have straight husbands never have to spend time thinking about this issue.

But then again, what is gay? There is a gay writer, Matt Pearcy, who will soon publish his book of interviews with gay men who were married and their struggle in coming out. To quote his last newsletter, “In my discussions with gay or bisexual married (or formerly married) men I hear them say they don’t want to be labeled. They feel that using the terms gay or bi or not-straight is too limiting.” He goes on to discuss reasons why men who sleep with men don’t want to be labeled. He also states that it is not your behavior that determines what a man is, but rather how he identifies himself. Thus, if a man has sex with another man, but identifies himself as straight, well, then, he is straight. He claims that identity is more than how you behave, it’s how you feel about yourself.

Now, Matt’s a great guy. He’s a great “gay” guy. Matt has no confusion about his identity. He has never had the need to marry a woman to identify himself as straight. He has known what he is for many years and has come to terms with his homosexuality. Matt also tries hard to understand the thinking of men who marry straight women, and sincerely wants to share those experiences with other gay men. Matt himself has never married. And although this doesn’t negate his ability to write about this subject, it may cause his opinions to be too one sided to understand the emotional pain that women go through in their lives when trying to unravel this puzzle

I don’t believe that Matt is advocating this position, but rather just writing about it based on the responses that he has obtained from interviewing gay married men who like to identify themselves as straight rather than accept or admit to their homosexual behavior. And I’ve written so to tell him that. I believe that coming to terms with the homosexual identity can be the most difficult step in life which is why I tip my hat to those men who do so and are honest with their wives. Yes, it hurts like hell when you tell her, but it doesn’t hurt nearly as much as those men who will never come forth with the truth.

What constitutes homosexuality? Can it only be identified as those men who have decided that they are no longer sexually performing and emotionally involved with a woman? I think not. I know of gay men who still want to bed their wives years after they have homosexual relationships with men. Gay men run the gamut in their sexual desires. My dear friend Becky will tell you how her husband had sex with her on a frequent basis up until the end of their marriage when he left for a man. More amazingly, now five years later, and still with his male friend, he still approaches her for sex whenever he visits the children. Does that make him not gay? I think not again!

We are confused, for sure. What is gay anyway? What happens when you have no proof? And what is proof? Most women think that proof is a full confession smattered with details or finding something so totally concrete like walking in on their husbands having sex with a man. Chances are, in most cases, neither one is going to happen. Then you just have to go on gut instinct because there is nothing else to go on.

Women with straight husbands don’t think of gay as the reason for their husbands’ alienation or lack of affection. They think that their husbands are having affairs—with women. For a woman to take it to the next step and start thinking that it’s a possibility of “homosexuality” means that there has to be some evidence, either conscious or subconscious, that the wife is encountering. This is why I tell women to “Trust Your Instincts.” Yep, I tell them that because these instincts come from somewhere—and not from nowhere.

The real bottom line is—CALL IT WHAT YOU WANT. BUT IT IS WHAT IT IS. If your husband is aroused by looking at or having sex with men, is this something you can live with? Is this something you want to live with? And chances are if he wants a man on any level— including fantasy—it’s taking its toll on your self-esteem.

NOVEMBER 2003

LIMBO WOMEN

All of you who have read either my newsletters or most recent book, “Doomed Grooms,” know that I have written about a phrase I coined, “Limbo Men.” Limbo Men are those gay husbands who are caught in between two worlds—neither straight nor gay. They are psychologically straight (at least they think they are) and physically gay. They go through life lying to you, their family, their friends, and most of all, themselves. They don’t have the courage to leave the secure straight world and walk into the world that they belong in. They rather just hang out in straight man’s land passing through and pretending. Grrrrr…….rrrr. (Sound of a loud growl) It makes me angry.

The reason for my being pissed off is simple. Limbo men create a whole new category of straight wives—namely, LIMBO WOMEN. Limbo Women are the wives of Limbo Men who are stuck wasting years of their lives in unsatisfying marriages because they can never quite get the truth out of their husbands. They know that something is wrong. They know that their marriages are lacking the ingredients for success—namely communication, passion, and intimacy. They have loads of little clues that all add up to homosexuality, and yet, because they can’t get a full confession—or even a partial confession—they are trapped.

By the time a wife of a Limbo Man gives a confession, it’s usually a partial, such as:

1. I’m not gay, but I like looking at gay pornography as part of a full pornographic fantasy show.

2. I’m not gay, but when I was younger, I had an uncle who molested me on a few occasions.

3. I’m not gay, but sometimes I call gay sex lines because the way they talk stimulates me sexually.

4. I’m not gay, but when I was younger, before I met you, I had a one-time sexual encounter with a man, but I only let him perform oral sex on me.

5. I’m not gay, but there are times I think that I am bisexual because I look at guys and find them sexually appealing. I would never act on it though.

6. I’m not gay, but sometimes the thought of anal penetration turns me on.

7. I’m not gay, but when I was in college, we would all get stoned/drunk and have big orgies where everyone was having sex with everyone.

8. I’m not gay, but I have a fantasy about both of us having sex with another man.

The sad part is that each one of these partial confessions always starts the same way: I’M NOT GAY, BUT…. And now the wife is more trapped than ever. How can they break up a marriage just on their own perceptions based on partial truths?

I have wives that write to me about the extensive research they do on human sexuality. They are looking for my stamp of endorsement for their discoveries that their husbands aren’t gay, just sexually “different” or “deviant.” It seems if they can get my professional opinion that their situation is not like the thousands of others that I have worked with, they can learn to cope in their marriages and accept that life isn’t always a bowl of cherries. On the other hand, it’s not always a bowl of pits either. It’s actually a bowl of half eaten cherries with the pits still in tact—sometimes, anyway.

These women struggle more than those of us who are given our walking papers or as I like to call it, “freedom.” Those of us riding the freedom trail may be hurting for a while, but eventually we can lick our wounds and start life over. We don’t have the shackles of homosexuality tying us to a husband who just won’t be honest with us or in many cases, himself.

Limbo Women have the lowest self-esteem of all of us because they do personalize that the lack of love that their husbands can show them sexually is because of their failings. After they’ve exhausted every trick known to womankind without any success or movement, they admit defeat. Nothing they do makes it change. No diet, no breast implant, no sexy clothes, no new hair style, no new approaches to sexual satisfaction is going to move their husbands into the straight zone. Eventually, they admit defeat, but still don’t understand why everything they try is not working on anything in their relationship.

Some of these wives cope by developing their own “on-the-sides” personal lives. They meet some straight man on the Internet who can boost their self-esteem by telling them all the things their husbands should be saying but don’t say. Sometimes these Internet affairs are lifesavers when women start giving up hope on themselves. Some of these wives cope by finding real-life affairs, going outside the boundaries of their morals, religious beliefs, and vows, making them feel better on one end, but worse on the other. And still other women cope by popping pills that numb their minds and lower their libido just so they can keep living in the state of limbo.

And so life just keeps moving along, day-by-day, week-by-week, month-by-month, and year-by-year. Limbo Women attend family holidays, friend events like birthdays and anniversaries, and office Christmas parties of their Limbo Husbands. They stand like a trophy next to a man who needs a wife to show off to prove to the world that “I AM NOT GAY. HERE IS MY PROOF.” The Limbo Wife allays the suspicions that everyone else has about the Limbo Man. It confuses the public at large who thinks it is able to identify people of a different sexual orientation because gay men don’t get married? Right? Or even if they do, they don’t stay married, right? Wrong.

Limbo Men stay married as long as their wives stay in limbo with them. Limbo Women are willing to fine tune their brains not to think about what they don’t have. Rather, they try to focus on what they do have:

1. I have a nice home.

2. I have beautiful children.

3. I have friendly neighbors.

4. I have good in-laws who don’t find too much fault with me (namely because you’re covering up the family secret for them.)

5. I have a companion when I go on vacations.

6. I have a good friend.

7. I have a good friendship.

8. I have a husband who won’t leave.

That’s right, Limbo Woman, he won’t leave. He’s going to be by your side forever and ever because a Limbo Man doesn’t leave. If he leaves, that means he might be dealing with whom he really is and what he does on the side might become front and center. This would upset the balance in his life and throw him out of the sphere of being emotionally straight. And that’s a scary world that he just doesn’t want to have to face. Life as a Limbo Man is too easy for him. It’s also safe and secure.

Want to know something funny? Limbo Men think that their Limbo Wives know the truth—at least on some level. They think that all of the little clues that they have been confronted on prove that you know the truth somewhere in their Limbo Minds. And believe it or not, they feel that for this reason, you accept who they are. You can accept their little dalliances and dibs into that foreign world that neither of you really want to talk about. They think that your avoidance of the subject after a while is a form of acceptance. They don’t see you running anywhere, and they also see you accepting that marriage can be built on friendship. You’ve given them the biggest gift of all—the end of sexual pressure. You’ve learned how to live with them in Sexual Limbo—or abstinence. Your Limbo Libido has gone off into the distance—either with someone else or out the door or body. Whatever. He breathes a big sigh of relief. You are now the perfect wife.

Of course, you’re not really the perfect wife. He still finds fault with you because you are a woman. And he is a gay man in disguise. It’s never quite the right chemistry. He’s never really happy living in between two worlds. He’s comfortable, but never really happy. And he’ll find ways to blame you for his unhappiness. It will be little things that make you feel stupid. After all, he thinks you’re stupid. He thinks you know he’s gay and you’re willing to live with it. How smart could you be?

The years will pass. Your best years will pass in front of your eyes. Yes, the best years—those years where you could have been living a life without deceit, contempt, and sexual rejection. And before you know it, you’ll look around and realize that you can’t get back what you have lost. You’ll never know how far you could have gone in life because you never had a cheering team cheering you on. You will never be inspired to write poems that have love and hope, but rather your poetry talks of sadness and loneliness. I suppose there is a market out there for poetry of the forlorn. Someone may be smart enough to publish a book on “Poetry for the Limbo Woman.” It’s sure to sell a million.