Bonnie Kaye's Straight Talk (21 page)

I was thinking of this movie while I was writing this to show how some women sacrifice their lives to gay men without ever having more than a friend or companion. Linda Porter had the strength to walk away, but came back out of love, pity, and compassion. This is the same reason why some of our straight wives take their husbands back when they are devastated after their gay relationships don’t work out. No matter how nice the nice guys are, taking them back is a mistake. It leaves you open to continuing heartache and heartbreak.

Getting back to my original statement, never believe that no man will love you again. When my ex used to say to me, “No man will ever love me as much as I love you,” over time my thinking changed. I started thinking that I don’t want any man to love me the way he loved me. His love was cruel and hurting. That’s not the way that love is supposed to be. In fact, it taught me that the word “Love” was just another four letter word. My ex was so unhappy in our marriage that he looked at me as the cause of his unhappiness instead of himself. As he grew older and matured, he was able to be honest about it not only to me, but also to himself. Up until then he wasn’t honest about it at all. I was the cause of his unhappiness. I was the one who wasn’t supportive enough….caring enough….thin enough….etc. etc. and so on and so on.

Whether your husband is abusive or he’s your best friend, marriage to a gay man is an unnatural state to live in. If your gay husband makes comments to you such as, “You’ll never find anyone who loves you as much as I do,” you can answer him very simply. Just tell him that you are happy to hear that. Tell him that when you find a straight man, he will know how to love you the way a man should love you—in the bedroom and out of the bedroom. Explain to him that a straight man will love you for all that you do, unlike a gay man who will never be happy with what you do because you are a WOMAN.

Whenever your husband makes his negative comments to you, learn to BLOCK the sound of his voice out of your mind. Pretend that you are going to a horror movie, and he is the star of the show—like Freddy Kruger. Pretend you are at a movie that can be classified as horror FICTION. When you have a gay husband, that’s what life is— FICTION.

Always remember that the best solution when you are stuck in this muck is to start rebuilding your own life and stop focusing on your gay husband. This will give you the strength you need to move on for your future.

AUGUST 2005

R
EPEATING
Y
OUR
L
IFE IN
F
UTURE
G
ENERATIONS

One of my support group members, Pat, asked me to address this question:

How does staying in a straight/gay marriage affect children, especially daughters? I mean, they see almost no affection or touching over the years.

It’s sad, but true. Children are usually doomed to repeat the patterns and mistakes of their parents. This is because children develop “learned” behavior from their parents. If they see no affection or touching in your relationship, then chances are they will think this is the “norm.” It comes down to the old saying of, “Monkey see, monkey do, monkey act just like you.”

When children see their parents setting the tone of no affection, they often fall prey to mates who are the same way. And yes, unaffectionate people, for whatever the reason, know how to seek out partners who are accepting of this behavior. Just like I contend that a gay man seeks out a certain prototype of woman, men with other sexual or emotional issues which cause dysfunction know how to seek out women who won’t be expecting much from them in or out of the bedroom. If your children lived with parents who couldn’t express love, most likely, they are the prime candidates for partners who lack the emotional depth or the ambition to work on the problem. It’s just the way it goes.

Women who write telling me that they are staying in the marriage because it’s the best thing for the children really need to rethink this thinking. I’ve written about this before and I can’t say it enough times—STOP DELUDING YOURSELF. Children who grow up in an environment where there is no visible love and affection are well aware that “there is something rotten in the State of Denmark” as the saying goes. Children sense when there are problems in the marriage. The real tragedy is that they attribute the problems to themselves—not you. Often the children become the target of frustration in the parents’ arguments even if they are not the underlying problem. I know because my parents did this constantly. They waited until my brother and I were sleeping, then the fights began waking us up. Our names were often mentioned during these fights making us believe that we were the cause of the fights. Ultimately, we felt bad about ourselves because we thought we were causing our parents pain. Pity, isn’t it?

So, the answer to the original question is YES. Living in a marriage void of affection and love will definitely affect the futures of your children.

FEBRUARY 2006

H
APPY
V
ALENTINE
’
S
D
AY TO
A
LL OF
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Y
S
TRAIGHT
W
IVES

February is a bitter/sweet month to many of our straight wives. That’s because the world is celebrating Valentine’s Day, the holiday that commemorates love, the foundation of what a relationship is based on. This year, I have printed numerous letters from women who have taken back their lives and taken “a chance on love again” as the words to one of my favorite songs goes. But many of my readers are still stuck in the muck or recently out of it and not feeling too keen about this day that feels like a jagged edge, blades and all cutting into their hearts.

For those of you who are still living confused, unhappy lives, let me reassure you that reading this newsletter means you are fighting back. It’s a small step in a long line of steps, but at least you are moving forward, not content to be complacent or oblivious to your unhappiness.

I am not the judgmental type—really I’m not. When a woman tells me that she is unhappy but can’t leave, I never say, “Of course you can,” Life is never that simple. I like to remind women that I was able to do it because my ex-husband walked out and gave me a week to breathe. If not, who knows how long I would have stayed and languished with him. My ex gave me the gift of life—literally—and saved mine by leaving. At that moment, he thought he would teach me a lesson. He was so convinced that I could never make it on my own and that I would jump to take him back under his terms. When he returned a week later, suitcase in hand, I had the strength to say, “No more. It’s over.” That one week was all I needed to know that no matter how hard I would have to struggle with two little babies and no money or career, it would be better than living in an upside down world always dodging distorted mirrors. I was tired of being Bonnie in Wonderland. I never regret making that decision 23 years ago.

Some of my women have been living in an emotionally abandoned situation for 10, 15, 25, and even 40 plus years. Those years of being stripped down layer by layer by a man who is uncaring to your emotional well-being and who is often controlling leaves you in a battered state. Some women are given the message on a daily basis that they can’t make it without their gay man, and they start to believe it because they have lost who they are.

Girlfriends, I understand how difficult it is to end a marriage, no matter how unhappy you are. I never sit here and say, “If I can do it, you can do it.” That would be cold and insensitive on my part. What I do say is that if you want to do it, someday it will hopefully happen, but it may take some time. The important thing is to keep sight of what the goal is. The goal is to take back whatever good years you keep losing and to find happiness within yourself again. You don’t have to find the love of your life; you just have to start to love your life and be free of the pain. Many women write to say that they wish they could meet a wonderful man who will be their partner in life. But you can only meet someone who is your true love after you relearn to re-love and trust yourself again. Then it will fall into place.

No woman is an island. We all need help and support. Living with a gay man is isolating enough because we live our lives as detectives, waiting to trap him. And then when we catch him, we think we need more evidence and want to catch him again. That’s because every time he’s caught, he denies your evidence, waters it down to being some kind of “curiosity” moment, or promises it will never, ever, happen again. Right.

Well, actually, I meant to say “wrong.” Your gay husband will not change. You can wish for it, pray for it, or go for counseling for it, but it is not happening. He might try in earnest and be sincere when he says it won’t happen again, but he’s fooling himself—and you. Gay is not a choice—it is a state of being. People can control their behavior, but they have no control over their sexuality. What does this mean? It means that your husbands have no choice in being gay—but they have a choice on acting on it and on being honest with you.

Some women believe that their husbands love them and their marriages enough to deeply bury their homosexuality. And, some men really do make the effort. But guess what? They are not happy campers. They love you, but you can’t fulfill the need they have within them either emotionally or physically. I believe that they have a mental need to be in their marriage, but their thoughts and hearts are always somewhere else. They are gay. You are a woman. You can’t give them what they want aside from being a security blanket.

Some gay men can have sex with their wives. They still want a man. A few gay men can even satisfy a woman. They still want a man. A few RARE women have told me that their husbands were great in bed. I believe their husbands were great actors. One gay husband recently wrote to me that he has spent years studying how to satisfy a woman because he loves his wife to make sure she is satisfied. But—he still wants a man. She is satisfied—he isn’t.

When a man isn’t happy with his life, he’s not happy with his life with you. He may love you, but either consciously or unconsciously, he starts to believe that you are the obstacle standing in the way between him and happiness. And so he looks to find fault with you because it’s easier than accepting responsibility for it himself. Once again, this isn’t about love—it’s about sexuality. And sexuality isn’t always just about sex—it’s about the things that go with sex like intimacy—something that he wants from the same person he wants to have sex with—which isn’t you.

Some women tell me they have intimacy with their gay husbands. To them, intimacy means laying side by side—with or without holding each other—and talking about “stuff.” It is intimacy without sex most of the time. And some women have confessed to me that this is better than the sex. They don’t mind not having sex. This makes me very sad because what they are really saying is that they never knew how wonderful making love with a straight man can be as far as fulfilling, gratifying, and satisfying. Many of these women have had only one man in their sexual lives—their gay husbands. They have nothing to compare it to or judge it by. They just know that they don’t mind not having it. After all, sex is not all it’s cracked up to be, right? Wrong. Rather, having sex with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with you is not all it’s cracked up to be.

There are lots of complex issues revolving around one common problem. But, in spite of it, Happy Valentines Day to all of you. I’m sending lots of love your way. Don’t be afraid to reach out for support. I’m here for you, and so are some very incredible women who come to our support chat.

MARCH 2006

P
AYING FOR
D
IVORCE

In my support chat, I have some of the most extraordinary women that you can ever imagine. They are bright, funny, and insightful, willing to give of themselves in their quest for giving and getting support.

The issue of divorce and legalities often comes up as women have to struggle in the aftermath of their divorces to receive child and/or spousal support. A few women seem to do fine depending on the state where they live. But the vast majority of women I work with usually end up on the short end of the stick.

One of the issues why women tell me that they stay with their gay husbands is because they can’t afford to get a divorce. I have heard some staggering figures of monies paid out as legal fees. Most women don’t have that kind of money to use in finding a reputable divorce lawyer.

The more I think about this, the angrier I become. If a woman wants to end a marriage because her husband is gay, why should she have to pay the legal fees? She entered into the marriage in good faith with a man she believed was straight. And please don’t misunderstand me—I believe her husband entered into the marriage hoping that he would be straight just by trying hard enough or wishing it enough. Most of these guys try hard—at least in the beginning. They love their wives to the best of their abilities, but the bottom line is they are gay. In time they can’t be who they are not, and that’s when things start breaking down.

I’m not faulting gay husbands for marrying their wives knowing they truly hope that their nagging attractions for men will dissipate in time of they have a loving family of their own. I understand how confusing the issue of homosexuality is for most men. But once they feel this sense of frustration, they start acting on their needs and forget or neglect to mention it to their wives until they are either caught or meet someone they want to leave the marriage for. At either point, the news is out.

My bottom line is this. If the man you married in good faith turns out to be someone who is a stranger to you, and if your dreams of the marriage are now nightmares, why should you have to chip in to end it? I am not trying to place blame. There is no blame for homosexuality. But I am trying to push the issue of accountability. You’ve already lost so much—why should you, the straight wife, have to pay towards a divorce? I think it’s only fair that all legal fees for both parties be paid for by the husband. What do you think?