Born Bad (24 page)

Making the sign of the cross, she went to the far side where the candles flickered beneath a statue of the Virgin Mary. Looking up at that gentle face, she told of her deep unhappiness,
and of how she was married to a man she feared. ‘I know I should leave him,’ she prayed. ‘I know I should have the strength to stand up to him, but I can’t. You know I want to. But I’m afraid.’

Delving in her purse, she took out two coins and a small box of matches. Dropping the coins into the container beneath the shelf, she then collected a candle and placed it in the holder. Striking the match,
she put the flame to the wick. She then returned to the main body of the church, where she located the nearest pew to the altar.

When she knelt, the cold of the timber struck through her knees and made her shiver. She bowed her head in reverence, before gazing up at the crucified body of Christ. ‘I never meant to be bad,’ she murmured. ‘Nancy once told me that I was born bad, but I wasn’t. How
can anyone be born bad? You would never let that happen, would You?’ Oh Lord, forgive me for the things I’ve done. Help me to be good.’

In the back of her mind, she could hear the doctor’s kindly words: ‘
If you don’t seek help, you may never get over what it is that
troubles you
.’ And she was troubled, more than anyone would ever understand.

There were things – bad things – that she had never
related to anyone. Things that had ruined her childhood; awful things that would haunt her all her life.

In the beginning, they were not to do with Harry. They had happened long before Harry became her sweetheart. He never suspected, and she never talked of it to him. There was someone else, whose name she could not even speak, for if she did, it would make it all real again, and she had spent
too many years trying to rid her mind of that name, that face, and what happened to her.

Yet in the silence of the church, with a unique presence of calm around her, she now opened her heart to the Almighty.

She told of when it all started. She explained how she felt lost and frightened, and when Harry came along, he was her saviour, and oh, how she had grown to love him.

Then it all went wrong.
‘I lied because I didn’t know what else to do,’ she confessed to the figure on the cross. ‘I thought it would be all right, but I didn’t think things through. I wanted to be safe. I thought Harry would protect me, but he found out I lied, and he didn’t understand … nobody did. I could never tell anyone the truth, not even Harry. It was all
my
fault – not Harry’s.’

When it now came flooding back,
she could hardly bear it. ‘At one point, I wanted to tell Nancy everything. I needed to ask her help, but I knew she would blame me. Whenever anything went wrong, she
always
blamed me!’

The pictures in her mind told a sordid story. ‘Nancy would never have believed me anyway.’ Even so, Judy had a sneaking suspicion that Nancy already knew, but she could not be sure.

‘I tried to tell her once,
but she slapped me hard and told me to shut up.’ Judy involuntarily put her hand up to her face. ‘Why was she so angry?’ Judy had always wondered about that.

She had suspected that her sister knew more than she was prepared to admit, but when Judy tried to confide in her, Nancy accused her of lying, and said that if she told anyone else, no one would ever believe her. She claimed that Judy must
be crazy; that if she kept on saying things like that, she would be ‘locked away in a madhouse’.

Now, when she recalled how it was, Judy felt a sense of panic.
Was
she mad? It was true, there had been times when she had doubted her own sanity. With Harry, she had proved herself to be both a liar and a cheap tramp, so maybe she was really mad.

‘NO!’ She could hear her own voice, echoing in
that holy place. ‘Nancy was wrong. I’m not
mad
.’ Clenching her fist, she hit the rail so hard that pain shot through her fingers. ‘She was right about one thing though. I
was
born bad, I know it now.’

She looked at the figure on the cross again, and it was someone else to blame. ‘
You
made me bad, and now You have to make me good.’ Choking with emotion, she pleaded, ‘I
need
help. I need to feel
alive.’ Her sobbing reverberated throughout the church.

Entering the church, the young couple were shocked to hear such distress.

When a few seconds later, a tender hand touched Judy on the shoulder, she was visibly startled. ‘Ssh!’ The young woman slid her arm about Judy’s shoulders. ‘I’m sure He will help you,’ she promised.

Deeply ashamed and humiliated, Judy clambered up, and after whispering
a garbled ‘I should leave,’ she ran, out through the door and across the car park, and hardly able to see for the tears flooding her eyes: she was fleeing down the street as though the very devil was on her heels.

Before she knew it, she was on the Boulevard, lost in a moving sea of shoppers. Nobody really noticed her. They were all too busy getting on with their own lives.

When Judy was too
exhausted to go on, she sat on a bench and remained there for a while, broken and hurt, unable to believe that she had actually shouted in the church … may God forgive her.

After a time, she felt calmer, even thinking again of that pot of tea and cake. Slowly and tiredly, she began walking towards the High Street, and the little café opposite the bank. Nothing had changed though. The demons were
still on her back, and Phil was there. He was always there!

Phil was her punishment
.

N
OT TOO FAR
away, having completed her shopping chores, Kathleen was headed for the Boulevard where she intended catching the bus back to Fisher’s Hill. ‘It won’t be too long before I have to collect young Tom,’ she said to herself. The thought of seeing him made her feel content.

Instinctively she found herself drawn to the young woman, a seemingly familiar slim figure,
who was rushing towards the café.

‘Good heavens above, it can’t be!’ She stopped and stared.

‘
Judy
?’ She craned her neck for a better look. No, that couldn’t be her, she was far too thin.

All the same, curiosity made her turn and head for the café. She knew she’d not rest if she didn’t find out.

A few minutes later, puffing and panting, Kathleen threw open the door of the café and ambled in.
There was no sign of the young woman.

‘Good day, and what might I get you?’ The woman behind the counter looked to be in her forties, plump as a ripe apple, with a face to match.

Before Kathleen had even taken off her coat, she was right there, armed with a menu and in an irritatingly high-pitched voice, explaining the specials for the day. ‘We’ve got homemade stew, meat pie and chips, a late
breakfast with choice of sausage, bacon, egg and—’

‘Bejaysus!’ Kathleen stopped her short. ‘Will ye let me get inside the door before you start gabbling on about sausage an’ bacon and other such nonsense. Sure, all I want is a cuppa tea and a cream slice!’

The woman was taken aback. ‘Oh madam, I’m very sorry. I thought—’

‘Ah well, ye thought wrong, so ye did.’ Taking off her coat,
Kathleen
threw it over the back of the chair. ‘I’d like me tea good an’ strong, with two sugars and the smallest drop o’ milk.’

‘Right away.’ Already unnerved, the waitress recited as she went, ‘Strong tea with two sugars and a wee drop o’ milk. Cream slice to go with it. Got it!’

She had only just got to the counter when Kathleen caught up with her. ‘Did ye see a young woman come in here?’

‘When?’

‘Only a few minutes back, just before me?’

‘Er, a young woman …?’

‘Jaysus, Mary and Joseph, what’s wrong with ye?’ Weary from traipsing about the town, Kathleen was growing short on patience. ‘Did you see a young woman come in, or did you not?’

‘I’ve an idea she went straight to the toilet,’ the woman answered timidly.

Kathleen gave a sigh of relief. ‘Thank you. That’s all I wanted to know.’
Grateful for small mercies, she plodded back to her table and sat down, her gaze securely fixed on the toilet door.

It seemed for ever, when in fact it was only minutes before Judy came out, her head bent as she intently searched in her handbag.

Intrigued, Kathleen discreetly observed the young woman as she threaded her way in and out of the tables. There was something about her that touched
a chord with Kathleen, but she wasn’t altogether certain it was Judy, because this young woman was painfully thin and stooped at the shoulders, where Judy as a girl had been more shapely, and always carried herself upright.

Disappointed, Kathleen decided that she must have been mistaken. Yet, there was something uniquely familiar about the woman … She wondered if she should call out or go over
to her table, but then she worried that she might make a fool of herself.

It was when the young woman looked up that Kathleen’s heart skipped a beat. Though the face was gaunt, and the soft grey eyes troubled, there was no doubt in Kathleen’s mind that the young woman really was Judy.

Kathleen remembered looking into those same wonderful eyes many years ago, when Judy had turned to her for help,
and she knew without a doubt that this woman was one and the same.

‘
Judy!
’ Scrambling out of her chair, she hurried towards her. ‘
I
wasn’t sure,’ she was so excited she began gabbling, ‘I thought it might be you, and then I thought it couldn’t be … oh Judy! What have ye done to yerself? You’re so thin! Oh Judy, me darlin’, wherever have ye been all this time?’

When Judy heard her name being
called out, her first thought was that Phil had paid someone to follow her. Convinced that she was in for another beating, she hardly dared look at the person crossing the room towards her. Instead she darted for the door, but Kathleen was there first and now she was saying things, and Judy was not afraid any more.

Judy felt the years rush away. In her mind, she was a frightened young girl, sitting
in Kathleen’s parlour, talking of Harry, and how he had gone away and left her with money for an abortion. Making no judgements, Kathleen had guided and comforted her. Judy realised then, as now, that she owed a great deal to this lovely, caring soul who had befriended her when there was no one else.

Back then, afraid and unsure, she had foolishly turned away, but she would not turn away this
time, because more than ever, she desperately needed friends.

When Kathleen stood before her, tears twinkling in her eyes and arms open to enfold her, Judy fell into those warm, chubby arms and she felt that at long last, she was not alone any more.

‘Oh, Kathleen,’ she clung to her. ‘I’m sorry.’ She kept saying it over and over. ‘I’m so sorry, Kathleen.’ Kathleen led her back to the table, where
the two of them sat down, although Kathleen could not let go of her hand. ‘Judy, Judy.’ She shook her head in disbelief. ‘Sure it does me old heart good to see you again.’

Kathleen noted how gaunt and ill the young woman looked. ‘I want you to tell me everything,’ she requested sternly. ‘I want to know where you went after you left me, and why you never got in touch. I need to know that you’ve
been safe and well, and that everything is all right,’ though she could see that Judy was extremely nervous, and not in the best of health.

In a fog of excitement and disbelief, it struck Judy how strange it was that just after she had been to the church and prayed for help, Kathleen should suddenly appear.

With emotions high, and her troubles still weighing her down, Judy wept openly without
fear or shame.

For a time, unable to speak or even to look up, Judy held onto Kathleen’s hand so tightly that the little woman could feel her fingers going numb. She made no comment, however. Instead she remained there, with Judy’s hand in hers, and a comforting arm about her shoulders.

It was painfully obvious that Judy had been through hard times, and all Kathleen wanted now was to help her
as best she could. If only Judy would let her.

From the counter the waitress watched this emotional reunion and she was made to wonder how the Irishwoman could be so downright grumpy one minute, and in the next so gentle and and caring. Just goes to show, she thought, and chose the biggest cream slice. A person may seem like a troublemaker, but underneath lies a good, kind heart.

Her attitude
towards Kathleen had changed from the minute she saw her take charge of the young woman who, judging by her sorry appearance, desperately needed someone to love her.

Filling the tray with Kathleen’s order, the waitress instinctively included another pot of tea and a nourishing buttery teacake. ‘I hope you don’t mind, but I thought your friend might want something,’ she told Kathleen as she placed
the items on the table.

‘That’s very thoughtful of you,’ Kathleen said with a smile. ‘Is that all right with you, Judy? Or would you prefer something else?’

Judy shook her head. ‘No, that’s fine.’ Smiling up at the waitress, she said quietly, ‘Thank you so much.’

‘You’re very welcome, I’m sure.’

As the waitress went away, she thought how pretty Judy was. All it needs is a bit o’ fat on them
bones and a good meal down her, and she’d look quite attractive, she thought, and at that moment, she made a promise to herself. ‘No more nibbling while I’m working. It’s time
I
started taking more care of
my
self. When I get home tonight, I’m clearing out everything that’s not good for me. I might keep hold of the old fella though.’ She gave a naughty chuckle. ‘He’s still got his uses. Anyhow,
they do say as how a little “energetic exercise” helps to get the weight off.’

What she had in mind had nothing to do with exercise and was more to do with slap and tickle, and the idea of it put a spring in her step.

Just then a young man entered the café, and not far behind him a couple arrived wanting a full meal, and soon the café began to fill, and she was run off her feet.

In the far
corner, Kathleen and Judy remained deep in conversation.

Judy brought Kathleen up to date with what had gone on in her life. ‘I’m so glad I came to see you that second time,’ she told Kathleen. ‘I will be forever grateful that you talked me out of having the abortion. I don’t know how I could even have considered it in the first place.’

Kathleen nodded. ‘You were afraid, that’s all.’ She glanced
about the room. ‘I suppose the child is all grown-up and out at work?’

Judy discreetly changed the subject. ‘Babies grow up and time marches on, Kathleen, you should know that,’ was all she said. ‘I mean, look how the years have flown away since I last saw you.’

Kathleen gave a slow, understanding nod of the head. ‘Funny, I always forget how time flies.’

Secretly relieved that, for the moment,
she had been able to move the conversation away from her child, Judy confessed. ‘Oh well. Life hasn’t exactly been a bed of roses, but I’ve managed to survive.’

Sensing that Judy was holding back on many truths, Kathleen gently chided her. ‘Why did you never come back, as you said you would? When you and the family moved away, I had no idea where to look for you.’

She relived the experience.
‘Time and again, I trawled the length and breadth of Bedford, Bletchley, and even Leighton Buzzard. I was so worried about you, Judy.’

The girl was silent for a moment, before telling her in a quiet voice, ‘You were right.’

‘What do you mean? In what way was I right?’ But Judy seemed not to be listening. Instead she was constantly glancing at the door, as though expecting someone to walk in
on her. ‘What’s up, love?’

‘Mmm?’ Swinging about, Judy apologised. ‘Sorry, I was miles away.’

Kathleen recognised the signs. ‘Is there a problem? Someone you’re afraid of seeing?’

‘No, of course not.’ Judy now gave Kathleen her full attention. ‘What makes you say that?’

‘Just that you seem like a cat on hot bricks. If there is something wrong, I may be able to help, Judy. Remember that.’

‘Thank you. Anyway, you were saying, you looked everywhere and couldn’t find me?’ Again she had her eyes on the door, agitatedly chewing her thumbnail.

‘That’s right. It was as though you had disappeared off the face of the earth – until, some long time afterwards, I heard different people saying that you and Phil Saunders had got married.’

Judy guessed what was going through Kathleen’s mind.
‘You disapprove, don’t you?’

Kathleen denied it, even though it was true. It was obvious to her that Phil had always fancied Judy; he envied Harry because she preferred him. Moreover, there had been rumours about Phil’s erratic behaviour, with the drinking and the fighting, and folks predicting that he would end up killing himself one day – or somebody else.

‘I don’t have the right to approve
or disapprove,’ she answered warily. ‘It’s just that … well, to be honest, I can’t help but wonder if you let him persuade you into getting together, because Harry was gone and you were vulnerable. Someone like Phil Saunders might take advantage of the situation, that’s all I’m saying.’

‘Maybe you thought that if I couldn’t have Harry, Phil was the next best thing. Is that it, Kathleen? Is that
what you really thought?’

Kathleen was mortified. ‘
No
! No, I don’t think that at all.’

Judy was instantly contrite. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I get so jumpy all the time.’

Kathleen had something else on her mind. ‘If I ask you a question, will you be honest with me?’

‘I hope so.’ The way things were, Judy could promise nothing.

‘Are you and Phil still together?’

‘Yes.’

‘Do you truly love him?’ Kathleen rephrased that, because in truth she was sure that Judy had never loved Phil in the first place. ‘What I mean is, are you happy?’

Judy’s answer was deliberately vague. ‘Why wouldn’t I be? When Phil caught up with me, I was wild … completely out of control, sleeping in the streets or in the house of anyone who would have me.’

‘You really should have come
to me!’ Kathleen was angry.

‘I didn’t think about that. You see, after Harry left, I didn’t care whether I lived or died. Nothing was the same.’ With tears in her eyes, she admitted, ‘If Phil had not taken me under his wing, who knows where I might have ended up.’

Kathleen had something else playing on her mind.

‘Did you tell him that the child was Harry’s?’ She was made to wonder how Phil
Saunders had accepted the truth that Judy and Harry had made a child together. It was even more amazing to Kathleen that Phil would be prepared to raise a child that Harry and Judy had made as his own, simply to get Judy to marry him.

Kathleen apologised. ‘I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be nosey,’ she assured her. ‘It’s just that, well, knowing how Phil used to be, with regards to you and Harry,
so jealous, and always after stealing you away, I can’t help but wonder how he took the news about the child, that’s all.’ Struggling with guilt, Judy took a moment to answer Kathleen’s question. She had promised to be truthful and so she was; though she had not promised to tell the
whole
truth. She could never do that: not to Kathleen, not to anyone.

As though reading her thoughts, Kathleen
addressed her in a
whisper. ‘Forget what I said, Judy. Sure, you don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to.’

‘I do want to.’ Here was a friend she had neglected for too long; someone who had helped her over the worst episode of her life and now, because she had not thought to confide in Kathleen before today, she was torn between truth and shame.

She quickly eased Kathleen’s mind.
‘There is absolutely nothing for you to concern yourself about. We’re absolutely fine, both me and the child. It was difficult at first, but now everything has turned out all right.’