Borrowed Time: An AIDS Memoir (21 page)

By the end of June I was talking with two or three of Bruce Weintraub's friends, but of course not calling him directly, since he still wanted privacy. I felt I had to get through to Bruce what I knew of the antivirals, especially when I heard he was doing a lot of investigative calling on his own. For a week or so it became a kind of circus, with Bruce fielding me questions through an intermediary. Finally, on the day of Dose
6
,
as we were leaving for dinner at the Perloffs', Bruce called and said, "Paulie, I know you know. Now can we talk about suramin?"

Nobody else has ever called me Paulie. Though Bruce and I had never been very close, running as we did in different circles, we used to joke at the gym two or three times a week—jock buddies. During the
Scarface
shoot, when Bruce was working on the art direction and I was writing the novelization, he'd feed me descriptions of all the Miami baroque excesses and then tell friends he was decorating my novel. He loved Hollywood to distraction and crowed with pleasure from the heights of his own career. He always seemed possessed with the speeded-up sense of time that attends a film in production.

Whatever it was between us, we connected on the treatment issue like nobody else I dealt with. Bruce managed to get through to the head of the CDC, the director of NIH, the doctor who wrote the suramin protocol. He had tried to break into the suramin study at UCLA with every connection he could muster, though he hadn't got the ticket yet. The problem was that he'd had both PCP and KS, and none of the protocols would bend that far. Bruce used to toss off a haunting image to underscore his desperation. "I'm a rotting pear," he'd say. "I have to have it now."

Of course I couldn't tell him Roger was on the drug, but we'd talk for hours about this antiviral and that, the side effects and what the next generation of drugs would look like. In the course of our daily bulletins, Bruce was the first person I ever heard mention AL-721, the immune-boosting agent at the Weizmann Institute in Israel. And later he fired the first shot in the battle for AZT, knowing about it before any of the doctors at UCLA, before the AIDS underground even. Because of Bruce, Roger and I started fighting for AZT early enough to get it. In that sense I owe Bruce the last ten months of Roger's life.

In the end he would have said it was only returning favor for favor, since Bruce gave me the credit for getting him on suramin, when all I did was put in a word to the right person at the right time. But it shows how deep the bond can grow among those of us on the front lines. Meanwhile I was able to drain off whole swamps of anxiety in my long, rambling afternoon talks with Bruce. Perhaps it simply had to do with being a local call, for Bruce and I could tie up the phones for an hour, talking between our two hills, whereas with Craig and Cesar the meter was always running. But I think it had more to do with Bruce's anger—his black, black humor as he excoriated the government, the drug companies, his friends who were turning away from him. We foamed with rage, the two of us. It was a neat irony that the picture of Bruce's released that summer was
Prizzis Honor
, an entertainment perfectly suited to the dark idiocy of death that had caught us all up.

I even began to work at something, queer and tentative though it was, and not for public consumption. I'd been pissing and moaning for months now that nothing I'd written would survive. It was all out of print, and altogether it seemed a mere curiosity of the larky years between Stonewall and the plague. Since I couldn't seem to read anymore either, the irrelevance of books would sometimes sweep over me like nausea. How it began I don't recall, but I grew more and more fixed on a memory from Greece: those broken slabs and columns lying in the fields, covered with Greek characters erasing in the weather. I remember turning to Roger on the high ledge of ancient Thera, pointing to a white slab tilted in the earth, the lines of Greek barely visible now, and saying: "I hope somebody's recorded all this." And suddenly realizing the fading block of marble
was
the recording. How would committing the words to paper or floppy disk keep them longer than marble? Soon I was brooding that nobody left written artifacts anymore to slab the fields of the future. Out of some disjointed longing for ruins, I decided to make an artifact of my own.

I scoured secondhand furniture stores till I found a nice low table with sturdy legs. Then I went to Koontz to buy some paint, and only there decided it had to be blue. Aegean blue, I called it, remembering the window frames and shutters of the white stucco houses of the islands. I bought the most indelible felt-tip pen I could find. Then I set myself up in the garage and painted my Aegean table two coats of blue. When it was dry I began to write all over the surface, neat block letters stark as Greek, even on the bottom and up and down the legs.

Though the subject of the table appeared to be that poetry left nothing in stone, the content was scathing and rather antic. I spent three days on it, loving every stroke of the physical labor. I ended up giving it to Marjorie Perloff, who uses it now as a stand for her copying machine. Right away I embarked on a second, for Susan Rankaitis, an Aegean bedside table, with a pull drawer and a scallop detail. I envisioned a whole motel room full of blue furniture, with a continuous poem running over every square inch, no beginning or end.

On the Fourth of July we packed a hasty picnic and headed out to the Palisades in Santa Monica, arriving just as the fog burned off.

We spread out on the lawn under the palm trees, jogger madness all around us. In the pictures I took there, Roger looks a bit puffy and rather peaked, but the puffiness must have been genuine pounds, since he wasn't on any medication that would've retained water. On the way home we stopped off to see the Perloffs, and Joe took pictures of us laughing. Seeing the two of us side by side, I can tell right away that Roger's laughter is genuine and full, while mine is a kind of mimicry, as if I don't quite get the joke. It makes me want to turn and wrap my arms around him, so I can feel the quick of the real thing even as it wells from him.

Our last stop was Bel-Air, where we had a brief visit with Sheldon. He'd always been difficult to pin down for a visit—after half a dozen attempts to set something up by phone, one usually gave up for months. That was the rhythm of not seeing Sheldon for as long as we'd lived in California. We tended to glimpse him as most people did, at public events. Yet we would sometimes catch the wind right and manage to get him alone, and he'd ramble for a couple of hours, sharp and funny. Roger loved such occasions with him, but July 4 wasn't one of them.

Aggressively Sheldon kept asking questions about our careers, about which I for one wasn't interested in the least. I probably would've talked about my blue tables, I may even have tried to, but money was the only career Sheldon fully countenanced. For a while he simply deflected my AIDS questions, but at one point I brought up Bruce. He turned on me and hissed: "I don't want to talk about it, don't you understand? I've had enough of it!" I can't express how icy cold I went inside. This was the asshole who'd fenced us into our secret, and now he wouldn't share it with us? It's a battle scar I can still feel, and we saw almost nothing of him for the rest of the summer.

That week we heard about Barry Lowen, a TV executive and art collector whom I knew only casually. A year and a half before, I'd sat next to him on a plane, talking his ear off about vintage photographs. He had the sort of vivid, cocky good health of a tennis player in his late forties, not an ounce of fat on him. You hear about someone like that being sick, and your mind starts to waver, like the sketch they show you in Psych 101 that can be seen as either a young girl or a hag. There is the image remembered from life, a man in his prime just off the tennis court. Then something in your vision shifts, and you see the Other: housebound with the shades drawn, emaciated, breathing hard. Out of gossip and your own fear, you imagine the terrible changes. Roger and I were browsing one night in a bookstore, when an actors' manager we knew stopped to chat. He bragged about being one of the small circle Barry Lowen was willing to see in person. "The way he looks now, he's very selective," the manager remarked with a self-satisfied air. Always another rung of cachet in Hollywood, and always another arbitration for credit.

At Dose 7, a new man entered the study—Rick Honeycutt, a psychologist in his mid-thirties with a classic surfer's grin and the energy to match. He looked better even than Appleton, and considered himself in luck that he'd made it into the program so early. He had been with a lover for seventeen years, but he freely admitted he'd done a lot of playing in his time. Thus he figured he might as well be philosophical about the consequences. Those who are still early talk a different game from those who are not so early, and philosophical is a state of flux. I have a friend who's seropositive, on AZT and stable so far. He said to me last week, "You and I are close now because we're both in the same category. If I get really sick I'll just be bitter that you're still well." Too cynical, I thought, too lonely and bleak—but I know what he means. It was that sort of feeling that made me want to tell Honeycutt to shove his philosophy.

Though I have to say, we were a cheery little band now in the room that looked out on the banyan tree. Appleton at eight, Roger at nine, Honeycutt at ten, with enough of an overlap for us all to compare notes. The only consistent reaction to the drug seemed to be fatigue and a slight fever over the weekend. The nutritionist had come to know us all so well that she brought me lunch too.

On July 8 I called TWA and checked on flights to Chicago and Boston for the beginning of August. The trip would have to be engineered to the decimal point, so we could leave after a Friday dose and be back before the next one. My parents had been asking me to come home to Massachusetts for several months now, and I'd pretty much run out of excuses. Roger wanted to see his niece and nephew," and Sam had been urging that we get away, if only to prove we could. We ran the idea by the doctors, and they saw no reason we shouldn't go. Still, it was a very big step to take, booking those reservations, freer than we'd dared to be since the verdict. I think I was too excited about the prospect, too awestruck by the logistics, to waste any time wondering if this was the farewell tour.

On July 11 the Ferrari doctor called to break the bad news. My blood-test results showed that my T-cell ratio was reversed in the classic fashion, indicating exposure to the AIDS virus. I had not elected to have the antibody test specifically, because the sense of the community was so strong about the civil rights issues that might ensue. What if somebody started keeping a list? Lists were the first step to protective isolation, the polite term for camps. And what if insurance companies started red-lining those with the virus? If your numbers are in bad enough shape, you don't really need the antibody test. Or to put it another way, Ferrari no longer had a lot of bullshit to explain away my swollen lymph nodes.

My ratio of helper to suppressor cells was .5, where normal ought to be 1.0 or higher. I had 590 helper cells per cubic milliliter of blood, and though this was considered to be in the low normal range, it was nothing to write home about either; 1,000 and above was normal. Instantly I called Roger at the office to tell him, and he calmed me down and said he'd run the numbers by Peter Wolfe. We never really knew what Roger's own T numbers were, though at one point we were given to understand his T-4 was under 50. Best not to press the point, we decided. We had enough angles on Roger's bad news already.

I went ahead and had lunch that day with Carol Muske at Bistango, and though I didn't blurt my numbers, she recalls how wired I was. Carol was in the same position as Dell Steadman and several others, suspecting Roger had AIDS but talking around it, letting me say what I needed about the awfulness of things in the abstract. Carol had just put her third book of poems to bed, while I hadn't written a line of verse in ten years. We got to talking about who the audience was out there, and I told her about the tables, addressed to no one at all. Carol was suspended in that fugue state after a major push of work, numb and deflated, such that her own doubts about how to go forward happened to dovetail with mine.

We wondered if it was possible to write a poem that never thought about being published at all, or about reaching an audience. But then who would you be speaking to, just yourself? I don't know which of us first proposed the idea, but I know the phrase was Carol's. What about a "conspiracy poem" that would pass back and forth like a secret between two voices? We played with the notion, at one point considering telegrams, at another using a code. It was purely a lark, no pressure at all, just saying we might toss a few lines back and forth. Nobody else need ever see them. Though we left the project so wide open it could have ended right there, it made me think for the first time about putting a toe in the ice water of the imagination again.

When I got home Roger had already talked with Peter Wolfe, and he reassured me that I was in no danger. Peter had cited a study showing that 98 percent of those with a T-4 count of over 300 had not progressed to full-blown symptoms in eighteen months of tracking. This equation would prove to be very fluid indeed as the months sailed by, a kind of litmus test of
not yet:
For a while doctors considered an opportunistic infection to be imminent if the count fell below zoo, but some people proved tenacious, and the low-range theory fell apart. Meanwhile there were men breaking through with KS at
600
or 700. The numbers as always are gibberish. What I remember most about that day was the rock-hard certainty of Roger's voice, and the flood of love I felt at his loyalty and concern, assuming control the minute I started to flail. In that glimpse of him I think I see something of how he must have looked at me over the next fifteen months, whenever I stepped in to fight for him.

Saturday, Dose 8. Roger having slept away most of Friday, we took a drive up through Beverly Hills to Franklin Canyon, where the tract chateaux leave off and the chaparral begins in earnest. We were trying to find the reservoir, an amoeba of blue on the map. It was a fiercely hot day, and all the scrub hills were straw and sage, no rain since April. The reservoir proved elusive, fenced off so effectively as to prevent even a flash of water. What we found instead was the tiny headquarters of the Santa Monica Mountains National Park, a bungalow with a ranger lady, grass snakes in glass cases and crayoned Smokey the Bear posters. We were the only visitors that afternoon, drifting among these mud-plain exhibits, absorbed as if we were combing the Athens Museum.