Boston Boys [01] - A Life Without You (14 page)

“Okay…that last one… You have some seriously twisted sense of reality, Eric,” I say and earn myself chuckles.

“News flash, hot stuff. Men like to have sex, and gay men get it more than straight guys do,” Eric counters, pointing the tip of his bottle at me. “It’s why straight guys get so jealous of us,” he finishes with a wink.

“Most gay men don’t just jump into bed with just anyone, nitwit,” I say and reach for a piece of triangle-cut bread with a fancy topping. “And why are you so sure gay men get it more than straight guys do?”

“Don’t forget who you talk to,” Jazz says with a laugh, nudging Eric. When the little guy starts puffing out to fight, Jazz drags him into his arms. “But you’re right, cuddles, it is a great idea.

How’re you gonna make it happen?”

“I don’t know. It’s just an idea. It’d be hell around exams if it’d interfere with my study time. I don’t even know if I’m cut out for running something like this.”

“It’s hell as it is,” I point out. “I barely got to see Jesse over the exams.”

Benji’s face lights up as he shifts his focus from Eric to me.

“How is that hunk of a roommate of yours doing?” A Life Without You
105

I shrug. “Fine. He’ll be back in three weeks.” I pop the tiny triangle into my mouth and make Benji squeal with delight when I give him an appreciative nod.

Eric rolls his eyes and pulls Jazz and Cal-Al up from the couch. He walks them to a cupboard full of what looks like stacked boxes of board games.

“But aww, honey,” Benji says, edging forwards in his seat as if to get closer to me. “
If
he’s a closet case, like Eric thinks he is, he’ll come around. I mean, with a catch like you he’s bound to.” I lay my head backwards with a sigh. God damn Eric talking about my business to everyone. Jesse
is
a closet case, in a way, but that’s not the real problem.

“It took Rick years and a lot of convincing that gay men are real men, too, and not some limp-wristed sissies like me,” Benji continues. Rick chuckles next to him and gives his boyfriend a squeeze. “Rick’s a man through and through, just like you and Jesse, but he didn’t fully believe it until he decided to take a leap and saw that coming out didn’t change him into a glitzy glamour queen.”

Benji leans his head against Rick’s chest and slides his palm up and down his lover’s thigh. Rick leans down and plants a soft kiss in Benji’s glossy brown, boy-cut hair.

“Were you two together around that time?” I ask with a half smile. They look so happy. The pang in my stomach tells me that I’m jealous.

“Kinda,” Benji answers. “Jazz took me to a private party at Terry’s house and that’s where I met Rick and Cal-Al. Didn’t take long for my man to snatch me away from Jazz.”

“I’m still angry,” Jazz calls over the thumping music from where the guys have spread a couple of board games on the floor, debating which one to play.

“You’re not man enough for Benji,” Rick calls back, laughing at Jazz’s tease of a scowl.

“I’m plenty man! Your hole knows I am.” Jazz calls back.

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“Oh shut it, Jasper,” says Benji, flicking his wrist dismissively at him. “I know you never topped Rick. The only guy you get to top in this group is Eric.”

“Hey!” Eric calls, popping his head up from behind the three-seater.

“It’s true!” Benji defends.

“Not true,” says Jazz and points at Cal-Al.

“No way, Cal-Al lets you top?” Benji asks, voice peaking at the last word. He strains his head to the side to get a better look at Cal-Al.

“Depends,” Jazz says with a shrug.

“On?”

“When Calvin’s had a few he gets very horny for a pounding up the hole,” says Rick and tilts his head to drain his beer.

“Rick!” says Benji and slaps Rick’s thigh. “You’re supposed to keep me informed about juicy stuff like this.”

“Sorry, baby. It honestly never entered my mind since I met you,” Rick says nuzzling Benji’s neck.

“You are so sweet to me.” Benji, sounding more southern as the evening progresses, gives Rick a kiss and Rick claims another right after. “Honey,” Benji says, pushing Rick gently away. “You also get very horny after a few, but keep your hands off for now, we have guests.”

“They’re not
guests
,” Rick protests and rubs Benji’s hip with his hand. “It’s just the guys.”

I watch them with not only amusement but also genuine interest. I’ve never met a long-term gay couple before. Jesse was so wrong. Straight couples couldn’t be any more real than Rick and Benji. I can’t possibly picture Jesse and me in their places, though, because neither of us are anything like Benji.

Do gay relationships work better if there’s one macho and one effeminate? I glance at the other guys. Cal-Al’s all macho, Jazz looks about half but looks can be deceiving…like with Eric.

Eric’s effeminate to outsiders, but once you get to know him he’s A Life Without You
107

really more of a macho. Speaking of…

“What about Eric?” I ask, reaching out for some chips and cradle them in my palm before I pop one into my mouth.

“What
about
Eric?” Benji asks.

Eric’s white head pops back up from behind the sofa at the sound of his name.

“You keep saying ‘Rick, Cal-Al, and Jazz’ but you never mention Eric,” I clarify. “Isn’t he a part of your group?”

“Eric’s new,” Benji says with a shrug.

“New?” I ask. To me he seems like a core member.

“Yeah, Jazz picked him up at a club last August and brought him here when we were throwing a party. Terry stole him away and brought him next time.”

“I’m never bringing another guy to this group,” Jazz calls from the floor without looking up while he sorts out cards with his nimble fingers. “They always get snatched away. Rick stole Benji, Cal-Al stole Terry, and Terry stole Eric. You guys are the worst friends ever.”

I look from Jazz to Benji with wide eyes. My heart beats a little faster and my cheeks flush with indignation. Yes, they really are the worst friends ever. How the hell can they stay such good friends after all that.

“He’s not serious,” Benji says, flipping his wrist again. “He wasn’t in a relationship with any of us – he just wanted a fuck and got it. We were fair game after that.”

“And you honestly don’t find it hard to know that Rick’s been with these guys? It never creates any sort of conflict?” If it were me and Jesse, I’d throw a fit every time I’d think about him with one of these guys. I guess that says more about me and my possessive nature.

Both Rick and Benji shake their heads in answer and cuddle for a minute before Benji stands up to get more beer.

We spend the evening chatting and playing board games and
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I’m surprised to find that I’m enjoying myself. The farther into the night we go, the more I understand that they’re not just great friends; they’re family. Benji’s the mom, Rick’s the dad, Cal-Al’s the oldest brother, Jazz is the cool middle brother, and Eric the feisty kid brother. I have no idea where Terry fits into this picture, but I do know that the fact they’ve pretty much all fucked each other makes the family image look a little creepy.

Just two more weeks. I’ve never been a big fan of Christmas or New Year’s Eve, but this year plainly sucks. I’m sounding all whiney and depressed when Jesse calls, telling him that I wish he was here. I hate it. That’s not me. That’s some girly-guy who’s dependent on his spouse. The truth is, I can’t imagine a time without Jesse in my life. It feels like he’s always been there.

Especially now that he and I are lovers. Or that’s what I’ve decided we are, because there’s no way in hell I’m going to let him crawl back into his hands-off shell again – girlfriend or no.

I went shopping yesterday and it took me an hour to decide whether or not to buy the item I keep hidden in a box next to my bed: a scent-free, water based lubricant. If Jesse and I are going to have sex, we’re going to do it properly and I’m going to squirt the entire tube into my ass to make it less painful. I’m sure that if I give him any indication that I’m in pain he’ll stop and we’ll go back to hands and oral – not that that’s bad. I’m kind of looking forward to it, though, to have his cock inside of me. His cock is bigger than any I’ve had before, which should make it doubly painful, but it’s
his
cock.

I don’t even know when would be the right time to suggest this to him. I mean, we’ve done a lot, and we go further every time. Last time I finger-fucked him until we both came. I don’t think there are any steps between that and ass-fucking. Maybe him going down on me? Would he ever even do that? Should I wait until he’s comfortable with that before asking him to fuck me?

It’s the night before New Year’s Eve and I’m keeping my hands balled up in fists because I’m thinking of Jesse again and I want to touch myself. But I’ve been holding back since he left because I want
him
to make me come.

I scramble up to grab the phone when Jesse’s ringtone chimes.

“Jesse,” I say as a greeting, grinning like an idiot.

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“Hi Adam,” he says, his voice sounding so sweet after two days of silence. But he’s not alone. I can hear her talking nonstop somewhere close by.

“Ah, Chirpy’s there?” I mumble.

Jesse laughs and lowers his voice. “You call her Chirpy?”

“Uh, sorry, only in my head.” I grimace as I look out the window.

It’s snowing again. There’s a thick layer of white everywhere and it looks so pretty. But it would look even prettier if Jesse was here.

He laughs. “No, it’s kinda fitting.”

We talk for a while, but nothing relationship-related, as usual.

I don’t know if he’s trying to push it away or if he’s afraid that someone might overhear us. I’ve wanted to ask him not to touch Chirpy like he asked me not to touch anyone other than him, but he’d probably reject that request, and hearing it would hurt me even more. The idea of the two of them sharing a bed pierces me to the bone.

“So, what are you up to tomorrow night?” he asks, knowing full well that I’ll be here by my miserable self all evening. What would I have done if I hadn’t met Jesse? Hell, I’ve forgotten what life was like without him.

“I don’t know,” I say. “Eric’s been pestering me about going to a club with him and his friends, so I might do that,” I add, just to sound a little less lame. I know I’ll probably end up having fun with the gang, but I’m purposefully torturing myself into brooding.

“Eric, huh?” Jesse says, his voice dropping a tone. “And that Jazz guy?”

He’s jealous of Eric, and apparently Jazz as well. I can’t help smirking.

“Well yeah, Eric and I spent Christmas together and it was kind of fun.”

I’m just being mean now, but it’s true. Eric and I did have fun, A Life Without You
111

but not in the way I know Jesse’s worried about. I hear Chirpy chirping in the background, something about going to bed.

“I see,” Jesse says in a lowered voice.

“Who are you talking to, Jay?” Chirpy asks right by his shoulder, or so it sounds.

“No one,” Jesse answers and then says to me, “Look, I’ve got to go. I’ll see you later.” And then he hangs up.

I keep the silent phone pressed to my ear for a few seconds before I snap it shut.

I’ll see you later?
Does that mean he isn’t going to call me for two weeks? My chest bursts out in tiny stabs. I think I may have intentionally hurt Jesse a little just now.

I sit on my bed and bury my head in my palms. He’s going to bed with her right now. They’re walking up the stairs, probably holding hands, and now they’re closing and locking the door. She smiles at him and starts undressing him…

Oh God…

It feels as though an invisible fist is wrenching the gut out of my body, but not before twisting and squeezing out every bit of hurt.

I can’t – I can’t think about it.

I lie down and pull the sheet over my head. I just have to think about Jesse and me, in the shower. His lips on mine, his arms around my neck, his legs around my waist. I just have to think about the times when Jesse was mine, and look forward to the times when he will be again. I said to Jesse that I’d take what I could get. But I want so much more. I want him to be mine alone.

The ache in my chest is piercing enough to send tears streaming down my face. And once I start crying, I can’t stop.

§ § § §

“Come on, Adam, it’ll be fun,” Eric calls from ten feet ahead of me. He’s wearing bright red pleather pants under a navy-blue, knee-length coat. To top it off, he’s put red streaks in his white
112 Erica Pike

hair – the temporary kind that’ll wash out. He couldn’t look more gay, but I’ve gotta hand it to him, he’s somehow able to pull it off.

I plow through the calf-high snow thinking it’s a shame to ruin the smooth texture with footprints. “I’m really tired, I think I’ll just head back,” I reply. I didn’t think to bring a hat or gloves, so my hands and ears are freezing. My pants and socks are also soaked. It’s uncomfortable and doesn’t exactly help put me in a party mood.

He wades his way back to me and pulls my arm. “Aw, come on, it’s not even midnight yet. I’ll kiss you when the ball drops if that’ll help persuade you.”

“That’s more likely to dissuade me if anything,” I mumble.

“What cranked up your emoness? You have a fight with never-gonna-happen-boyfriend or something?”

“Or something,” I grumble.

I’ve been trying to reach Jesse all day but he’s not picking up.

I don’t know what I was expecting. I hoped we could arrange a phone call just before midnight so that we could be together that way, but he’ll probably be kissing Chirpy. In his mind, he only has a girlfriend and no boyfriend. Is he so pissed off at me for going clubbing with Eric and Jazz that he’s punishing me with the silent treatment? I hate the silent treatment. My grandma invented the silent treatment.

Eric’s phone plays a cheesy disco song and I use the distraction to dial Jesse’s number again and wait until it rings out. Do I want to leave a message? What could I say? ‘
I want to be with you at
midnight, will you call me?
’ No, that would sound weird to someone who might overhear. Maybe just a simple ‘
I’ve been trying to reach
you, so call me?
’ I hang up as soon as the beep sounds. If he doesn’t want to be reached, then I’m not going to bother. But I still don’t feel like partying tonight.