Bound by Trust (15 page)

“I
had my period three weeks ago right on schedule. I thought I was when we came
home from Montana. I missed then, but I took a test and it came out negative,
and I’ve had one twice since then.”

“What
were they like?”

Madi
thought for a moment. They had been quite a bit lighter than normal and less
crampy, and for only two days instead of five.

“They
were different. Can you have a period and still be pregnant?”

“Yes.”
Meredith rolled her eyes. “Have you been sick, overly tired, are your breasts
sore?”

“I’m
not sick…actually, come to think of it the smell of sausage cooking starting
making me sick a few weeks ago, so I quit fixing it, and I have been tired. In
fact, I’ve been taking a nap every day for a couple of weeks now.” She paused
and smiled. “And I haven’t been interested in sex because my breasts hurt all
the time. Rafe probably thinks I’m tired of him.”

She
couldn’t believe she’d missed the most elementary of symptoms. Then again, it
had been ten years since she’d been pregnant with Shannon and looking back on
it now she realized that with Gage deployed and all the other stressors she’d
been under, that whole time was a blur. She didn’t even remember the first time
she knew she was going to have a baby or what prompted her to even think she
might be. There were no memories of morning sickness, dizzy spells, swollen
feet, or exhaustion. There had only been the constant worry if her husband
would make it back in one piece, then she woke up one day to find her womb
empty, and what had been there was no more. The initial happiness she’d felt
moments before, was quickly replaced by the hand of fear gripping at her heart.

“Honey,
you need to see your doctor, there is no telling how far along you actually
are.” Meredith smiled and touched Madi’s belly. “I think I’m finally going to
be an aunt.”

“Please
don’t say anything to anyone else, Meredith. I want to be sure first, and make
sure everything is okay before I tell Rafe. He’s stressed enough over this E-8
promotion board that’s coming up.”

“Your
secret’s safe with me.”

The
first appointment available with the obstetrician wasn’t until the middle of
November. Waiting for so long was about to drive her insane, and she even
thought once about going to a civilian doctor and paying for it out of her
pocket so she could find out for sure if she was or wasn’t. She’d only had a
one day episode of spotting at the end of October and nothing since then.
Nearly positive now that she was indeed pregnant, she wanted to be able to tell
Rafe before he found out about his promotion, so they could maybe have some say
so in when they would have to move. She didn’t want to move close to her due
date and have to worry about changing doctors or possibly be living in a Motel
Six when she went into labor.

Finally,
the Monday after Thanksgiving, she found herself sitting in the waiting area of
the obstetrics clinic. She nervously flipped through a parenting magazine, but
didn’t know a single word she had read.

“Mrs.
McCarthy?” A young red-headed nurse called her back. “How are you feeling? I’m
Linda by the way.” She had Madi on the scale weighing her.

“I’m
feeling pretty good, nervous.”

“Well,
don’t be, Dr. Pearlman is a great doctor and he specializes in high risk
pregnancies.”

“High
risk?” Madi started to pale.

“Yes,
in your record we noted what happened with your first pregnancy, and with your
age being so close to thirty-five, the doctor thought it was best to go ahead
and treat you as a high risk.”

Madi
swallowed hard, trying to push the bile back down her throat that was building.
The memories of Shannon came flooding back and the room spun, while bright
white spots filled the near blackness overtaking her senses.

“Whoopsy.”
Linda pulled a chair under her and eased her into it just before she fell.
“There you go.” She helped her put her head between her knees until the
spinning stopped.

Madi
rose up and took a breath.

“Are
you okay now?” Julie asked, handing her a glass of juice.

“Yes,
thank you.” She took the juice and followed her down the hall into an exam
room. “So, I am sure you know the drill, you can leave your socks on, and I’ll
be back with the doctor soon.”

Madi
stripped down, put on the white gown with blue flowers on it, and climbed on
the table. She’d never contemplated the possibility that it might be dangerous
for her to carry a baby, the doctor had told her a few months ago that it would
be fine to get pregnant. Nervously she tapped her fingers along the edge of the
hard vinyl wrapped cushion, wishing this were over with. After several minutes
of fretting, there was a knock on the door and Dr. Pearlman stepped in.

“So,
Madi, I’m Dr. Pearlman.” He stuck out a slender hand with long fingers. “How do
you feel today?”

“Well,
I was nervous when I first got here, but now I’m just plain scared.”

“That’s
not good, what has you spooked?” He took a seat on the metal three-legged stool
and gave her his full attention.

Taking
a calming breath, she told him all her fears starting with everything that had
happened during her pregnancy, ending with what had happened with Shannon.

“Okay,
so just let me start by telling you, I completely understand all your fears. I
cannot guarantee that you won’t suffer preeclampsia again, but I can tell you
we know much more about it now than we did ten years ago. We will keep a very
close eye on your blood pressure and the proteins in your urine. At the first
sign anything is even remotely wrong, we will deal with it. And due to your
age, and the circumstances surrounding your first pregnancy, we will be
scheduling a C-section, you won’t be having a natural delivery.” He paused,
allowing her to absorb everything. “Do you know when your last period was?”

“Not
completely, that’s why I haven’t been to see you until now. I missed at the end
of August but then for the last three cycles I’ve spotted, so I didn’t realize
I might be pregnant until my sister, in all her infinite wisdom, decided I was
a few weeks ago.”

“Well,
your urinalysis confirmed you are indeed pregnant, and right now your proteins
are fine, so you can stop worrying about that for the present.” He was busy
looking over her medical records and making notes. “I’m going to send you down
to ultrasound after I examine you to see if we can’t get a handle on this due
date for you.”

With
her laid back on the table, Dr. Pearlman began poking and prodding along her
abdomen, then internally, and finally let her sit up again.

“Everything
looks normal so far, Madi. I want you to watch what you eat, really watch your
sodium intake, and get your exercise, and see me again in four weeks. But, if
you have any questions at all, you don’t hesitate to call immediately, day or
night. My service will page me in any emergency, and if anything seems the
least bit abnormal to you, go to the emergency room.”

Downstairs,
she was led into a tiny darkened room and a young male ultrasound technician
helped her pull her blouse up and her pants down enough that he could run the
probe along her lower belly. He had no trouble whatsoever locating the tiny
baby growing there, and soon there were arms and legs racing across the screen.

“Look
at that, Mommy, so far he or she looks very good, and from the looks of it you
should deliver sometime around May 17.” The tech smiled at her and ran the
probe around some more, capturing some still images of her tiny miracle. “That
will make a wonderful Mother’s Day gift.”

“Yes,
it certainly will.”

*
* * *

“Rafe,
what the hell is wrong with you this week?” Aiden demanded. “You’ve been a
sheer bear to be around, and if you don’t watch it, one of the kids is going to
turn you in for harassment or hazing or something. You can’t run them until
they pass out anymore.”

“They
need to learn to listen, Aiden. When they get over there who is going to watch
their asses then?” Rafe shot back, glaring at this friend.

“No,
you’ve never been this tough on any of them before. What’s really going on? Is
something wrong between you and Madi?”

Rafe
hung his head and leaned his elbows across his thighs, not wanting to discuss
his and Madi’s personal issues.

“Look,
Rafe, this isn’t Marine to Marine, this is brother-in-law to brother-in-law.
What the hell is going on? I don’t want to see you get your diamond jerked
before you even find out if you got it or not.”

Rafe
debated on how much to confide in Aiden before answering. “Something is wrong
with her but I have no idea what, and she won’t talk to me about it. We haven’t
had sex in six weeks.”

“Is
she pregnant?”

“I
don’t think so; she had her Mother Nature visit, as she puts it, a few weeks
ago. I think she’s tired of trying, and maybe tired of me, too.”

When
Madi got home she couldn’t wait for Rafe to get in, so she could tell him their
wonderful news. They had finally managed to make a baby and she was sure he was
going to be the happiest daddy on planet earth. At a little after four, he
pulled in and she waited nervously on the couch ready to tell him what she’d
learned just hours before.

“Hey,
you,” she greeted, noting the cloud of anger across his face. Maybe tonight
wasn’t a good time after all. “Did you have that bad of a day?”

“Yes,
how was yours?”

“Obviously
a lot better than yours was.” She got up and started toward him. “What’s going
on?”

“Why
don’t you tell me?” he growled.

“Tell
you what?” Her eyebrows were raised as she wondered what he was talking about. He
had never so much as raised his voice at her, let alone been a complete jerk.

“What’s
wrong with us, Madi? Are you tired of me?”

“Rafe,
I’ve no idea what you’re talking about.” She watched as he picked up his keys
and headed back out the door. “Where are you going?”

“Out.”

When
he came back after two that morning, smelling like hops and perfume, Madi
turned her back and acted like she didn’t hear him.

Chapter 13

Friday
afternoon, Madi found herself perusing the meat counter at the commissary, looking
for the best cut of beef she could find. Rafe had spent three of the last four
nights out, although he hadn’t come home with perfume on his clothes since the
first time he’d left her home alone. Determined to find out what was wrong with
him, she’d decided to fix him a nice candlelight dinner in an effort to
convince him to stay home and tell her what was bothering him. She’d tried to
find out if the board had made its selections, thinking perhaps he’d been
passed over and that had set him off, but all Aiden would tell her was that the
selections had been made, but had yet to be posted. When she found out that apparently
wasn’t the problem, she’d further questioned her brother-in-law as to Rafe’s
nightly disappearances only to run into a brick wall when he informed her he
wasn’t interested in getting involved in their little spat.

Meredith
was no help either. She claimed Aiden hadn’t told her anything either, and they
were having a bickering match of their own over perspective baby names. She
wanted something exotic like Sienna or Cooper, and he wanted to go more
traditional with Lindsay or John. If only her troubles were so simple. The best
Madi hoped for at this point, was a baby at all and healthy if at all possible.

With
two T-bones, two perfect baking potatoes, some fresh asparagus and a bottle of
sparkling grape juice, she went home to try to win her husband back through his
stomach. While the steaks were grilling, she signed the congratulations card
she’d purchased, telling him of their news and filled it with the black and
white photos of their creation. Whatever this misunderstanding was about, she
was tired of it and wanted to right things.

Dressed
in a new pair of black jeans complete with elastic waist and a purple pleated
pullover top that hid her almost evident baby bump, she sat in the kitchen and
waited for him to show up. At half-past ten she called Aiden. If he wouldn’t
tell her where he was, she was going to go hunting him herself.

“Aiden,
Rafe didn’t come home again, please tell me what you know,” she pleaded with
him.

“Madi,
I told him I would keep to myself what he told me.”

“Look,
has Meredith told you what is going on with me?” She was becoming quite
irritated with Rafe’s irrational behavior and Aiden’s evasiveness.

“No,
she has not, and I don’t want to know. I already know more than I need to, and
would prefer to be left out of the whole thing. I made the mistake of asking
him what was wrong and got more than I bargained for.”

“Look,
it is important, and he needs to know what I…”

“I
do not want to know, Madi,” he interrupted her. “Now I…”

Before
he could finish his thought, she cut him off at seeing the headlights of Rafe’s
truck glance off the piano top.

“Never
mind, Aiden, I see him pulling in now.”

Irritated,
she sat at the table, waiting for him to come in. She stared at the now cold
feast she had prepared for him and watched the taper candles flicker out, now
only two white nubs jutting out of the crystal candelabras. If he wanted to
stay out and play fine, he could at least call and let her know he was all
right and not somewhere in a ditch bleeding. Lately, her thoughts had wandered
back over the times Gage had left her stranded at home, wondering where he was
and what he was doing. How Rafe could now turn on her like this after knowing
what he’d put her through was beyond reasoning.

She
heard the back door ease open and watched him trying to be quiet as he slipped
into the darkened kitchen, the stove light the only source of light, since the
candles had breathed their last.

“I’m
still up, Rafe, there’s no need to tiptoe.” She tapped her fingers on the
bleached linen cloth that she’d dressed the table with.

He
shut the door, came in, and sat across from her, sitting in silence.

“Rafe,
what is going on?”

“I
could ask you the same thing, Madi. You haven’t let me near you for over six
weeks now.” He fingered the silver fork next to the untouched china plate she’d
carefully set out.

“Is
that what this is about? You think I don’t want you anymore?”

“Well,
what else am I supposed to believe? Things were fine until your sister’s
wedding, then it seemed to hit the fan and things haven’t been right since
then.” He looked at her with injured eyes.

“Rafe,
I still want you, I just haven’t been myself lately. I’ve not felt up to par.”
She ran her hand over her belly and smiled.

“So,
you don’t want a divorce?”

“Of
course not. I can’t believe you’d even think that.” She hesitated, not knowing
for sure she wanted the answer to her next question. “Are you sleeping around?
I need to know the truth, Rafe; I smelled perfume on you the other night.”

Rafe
ran his hand over his forehead. “No, Madi, absolutely not.” He looked up at her
doubt-filled eyes. “I swear to you, I told you I’d never to do that to you and
I meant it. I drove someone home the other night; they were too drunk to drive.
The inside of the truck still smells like Chanel.”

“Okay,”
she conceded, unsure if that was the entire explanation being as he could so
easily identify the brand, but accepted it for now. “Did you find out about the
promotion yet?” She needed to know that before she told him her news.

“Yes,
the list came out today.”

“And?”

“And
my name is on it. The monitor called me already and we’re going to have to
move.” His tone was still quite harsh.

“When?”

“I
have to report to Camp Lejeune no later than May tenth. The unit I’m going to
is deploying at the end of summer.”

That
wasn’t what she needed to hear. Seven days before she was due? How was that
supposed to work?

“Rafe,
I need to tell you something.” She paused and took a breath mustering up the
courage to ask if he could get the orders pushed back just long enough for her
to deliver and be ready for travel. “I don’t think I can go…”

“God
damn it, Madi, what do you mean you can’t go?” He pushed the chair back, got to
his feet, and went into the bedroom.

“Rafe,
you don’t understand,” she begged him, following. “I can’t…”

“I
don’t want to hear it, Madi.” He had dragged a bag from the closet and was
stuffing clothes into in. “I am tired of your insecurities and having to live
in Gage’s shadow. First you tell me you’ll back me a hundred percent, now
you’re waffling, which is it? Can you support me or not?”

“Yes,
but, there’s something you…”

“No
buts, either you can or you can’t. I have been patient; I have loved you
through your tirades and crying spells, picked up the pieces of someone else’s
mess, and for what? So you can change your mind at will, like the wind changes
direction? You’re never going to trust me.”

She
watched aghast at his outburst as he zipped the bag and started out the door.

“Please,
Rafe, just let me explain…I’m…”

“Save
it, Madi.” The door slammed behind him and hot tears ran down her cheeks in
silent streams as she watched him back out of the driveway and out of her life.

For
two days she tried to call him without response. She didn’t have the courage to
tell anyone what had happened and suffered alone until Sunday when Liz wandered
over and found her sleeping on the couch with Gretchen laying behind her legs
looking worried.

“Madi,
what is going on over here? I haven’t seen Rafe’s truck home in two days and
you looked exhausted this morning feeding those horses by yourself.” Liz sat in
the big chair leaned over trying to get Madi to make eye contact with her.

“He’s
gone.”

“What
does that mean, gone? Where did he go?”

“I’ve
no idea and he won’t answer his phone.”

Just
like she had some months back, Liz got on the phone and bade Jared’s presence.
Madi broke down and told them the whole sordid tale, starting with what had happened
at the wedding, and ending with the argument they’d had Friday evening that had
erupted into a one-sided yelling match finalized by his departure.

“I’ll
go find him,” Jared said, sighing and getting up from the end of the couch.

“No,
you won’t,” she insisted. “I don’t want you to.”

“Madi,
he needs to know. He would never have left if he knew.”

“Maybe
that’s so, but if he really cared, he would have stopped acting like a jackass
long enough to let me explain.” She sat up and toyed with the fringe on the
afghan she’d been wrapped up in. “Promise me, if you see him you won’t say
anything. I don’t want him to come back just because I’m going to have his
baby.”

Two
days turned into five, and they turned into two weeks. Madi tried to carry on
as normally as possible. She was up to ten students now and the rehearsals for
the Christmas recital she had planned for the week prior to the holiday kept
her busy. Unable to find a venue with an available piano and appropriate
acoustics, she opted to have the recital in her house. As she decorated the
tree Aiden and Jared had managed to wrangle in through the front doors for her
and set up beside the fireplace, she wondered what Rafe was doing.

She
was still unable to get him to answer her calls and she’d decided it was best
not to go to his command with her problems. Although she knew they would have
dragged him on the carpet for abandoning his wife and unborn child, she didn’t
want to force him to do something he so clearly didn’t want to, make amends. Besides
that, he had worked too long and hard for this promotion and she didn’t want to
ruin it for him. If his career was that much more important than she was, then
he needed to do what would make him happy. She was actually surprised a deputy
hadn’t shown up to serve her divorce papers yet.

Then
she began to wonder how she would make it through the holidays without him and
what he would be doing. Was there any chance he would come to his senses and
come home? Would he slink off to Montana without her to spend Christmas with
his enormous wonderful family?

Sitting
on the piano bench, she watched the twinkle lights blinking on her now complete
lonely tree and ran her fingers over the ivory keys. She took position and
began to coax out the notes that matched the love song she’d sung to him going
to Big Sandy that day and realized that she missed him so much it hurt.

*
* * *

Rafe
had moved into a room at the temporary lodging facility on base and had taken
leave after the first five days, feeling like he was a half person now and
unable to function. For the next few days he ordered take out, watched
football, and went without shaving, only leaving the bed to use the bathroom
and answer the door when the next pizza arrived. It was a miserable existence
without her and he wondered what she was doing without him and if she had been
able to move on with any more dignity than he had.

With
only two weeks left before Christmas, he didn’t have his wife to celebrate
with, didn’t have the energy to go home to Montana and hide from his enormous
mistake, and wouldn’t even have a piece of turkey to eat. How much worse could
things get? Slowly he flipped through the channels again noticing that every
single Christmas commercial somehow reminded him of Madi. It was either the
piano music in the background of the phone commercial, or the lady on the
jewelry commercial with dark hair and green eyes, or the commercial for pie
crusts. All of them haunted him, conjuring up images of her happily playing him
some new piece she created on a whim, or standing in their kitchen with flour
on her nose, laughing at the broken egg on the floor.

He
toyed with the idea of getting up, taking a shower, and going home to her and
apologizing, but it quickly faded to thoughts of how many times he’d been the
one to pick up the broken pieces over the past few months. How much was a man
supposed to give up for the woman he loved, anyway? Was there a lifetime limit?
If there was, he was sure he’d already exceeded it.

Before
he could pick up the phone to call Sing Lei’s for the fifth time that week, it
rang. With his heart pounding, he answered, hoping to hear her sweet voice only
to be disappointed to discover Aiden’s less that honeyed one.

“Hey,
man, we’re all going to the club tonight,” he greeted. “So, pull your sorry ass
out of that rack you now call home and come out.”

“No,
I’m perfectly happy in my new home.”

“My
Aunt Zelda’s bunion you are. I’ll pick you up at eight.”

With
that he hung up and left Rafe holding the phone, wishing he’d bothered to
change his number.

“Madi,
this is your sister, answer this door.”

In
her flannel pajamas and the pink robe missing one pocket that Rafe laughed at,
she trudged to the door and jerked it open.