Bound to the Beast: Russian Hitman Romance (13 page)

Susanna

Two months ago, all I wanted was Alexei. He was dark and sexy and filled me with the kind of pleasure that I’d never known in my entire life. He filled up my wettest dreams at night and took up more space in my thoughts than he should have. In fact, up until my brother had shown up on my doorstep just
hours
ago, I would have been thrilled with the idea of Alexei staking his claim on me. I would have reveled in the idea that I would belong to the man who was the father of my baby. I would have been filled with anticipation and want and elation at the idea that he would come here, tell me that I couldn’t marry Tyler, and proceed to claim me both physically and emotionally.

How could I
not
want that?

But things were different now. They’d changed so dramatically in such a short amount of time that I was feeling a little woozy, breathless. Maybe it was because I’d just fainted or that I was pregnant, but I had the feeling that it was because I knew things about Alexei now.

Dangerous things.

He was a hit man for the mob. Which meant he
killed people
! How could I possibly be okay with belonging to a man who killed people for a living? Even so, I might have stopped and seriously thought about it. It was terrible, but there was some part of me that still desperately craved Alexei. I told myself that it was hormones. I was pregnant and he was devilishly sexy, regardless of what he did for a living. Plus, he’d been my first—and only. There was a chemical bond there, right? Something that made me attached to him, even though intellectually I understood what a terrible mistake being with him would be.

So as I waved off my inexplicable attraction to and desire for him, I tried to come up with an explanation. An excuse. Something that would force Alexei from me, make him think that I was not the thing he wanted.

Why
am
I the thing he wants?
I found myself wondering.

Whatever I knew about Alexei, there was no denying that he was sexy and handsome and clearly had money. He could attract any woman he wanted. And more to the point, he wouldn’t have to settle with only a single woman. He could go out and pick up anyone, just as he had with me, at the bar. He could take them home, fuck them senseless—my body shivered at the memory of the things he’d done to be—then leave them just as he’d done that first night with me. Why settle for some farm girl who didn’t know anything about sex
and
her baby?

Then something else hit me. Before I could get any warm and fuzzy ideas about how it was sweet that he wanted to step up and claim the baby or how sexy it was that he wanted to spend my life with me, I realized that there was another option. A much more likely probability. What if he had no intentions of being
just
with me?

Sure, he was sitting there on my bed looking down at me with fiery eyes that told me he wanted to physically show me just how much he wanted me. And yes, he was talking about how I now
belonged
to him, claimed me as his once and for all. But nowhere in any of that did he say that
he
belonged to
me
, too.

What if he was intending on keeping me, using me for sex—or even a brooding mare! —then when he got bored with me, going out to the bars again to pick up some other woman? What if he intended to keep fucking others even as I raised his baby, isolated and not allowed to go out in search of another man who might love me?

It was an awful thought and it filled me with both fear and disgust. But most of all, it made me ache. I wasn’t sure why, wasn’t sure what it meant, but my chest hurt from the idea that maybe he would sleep with other women.

Why should I care? After all, he was a hit man and not a good match for me at all. I had already decided that I didn’t want him raising my baby, so what did I care if he went out and bedded other women?

I shouldn’t care at all,
I thought, but even that knowledge wasn’t enough to completely dispel the tense feeling in my chest.

Pushing it aside forcefully, I focused on Alexei. He was sitting there with his eyes now locked on where my stomach would be beneath the covers, as though he could already see his baby growing in my womb. He couldn’t; it was still too early. But he watched me anyway.

The possession was clear in his expression and I knew instantly that just telling him
no
wasn’t an option. I had to come up with something else, and fast. Which was why I blurted the first thing that came to my mind, though it wasn’t anywhere near the truth.

“It’s not yours,” I said stiffly. “I…you were wrong to assume. It’s not yours. I…I meant that I was going to
tell
you because I didn’t want you getting the wrong idea. Or getting involved with…when it wasn’t yours.”

It was a boldfaced lie, but it must have been somewhat convincing, because Alexei jerked his eyes back up to my face. He looked…hurt. Or maybe angry. Or maybe both.

“What?” he demanded. “That’s not possible. I was your first. I was your
only
.” His voice had dropped to a growl that sent strange shivers through my entire body. Definitely angry, but not
just
angry either.

I cleared my throat, forcing myself to look him in the eye so that it seemed like I was being completely honest as I said, “I lied.” I shrugged my shoulders, forcing myself to continue though I found it harder to do as I moved forward with the attempt. “I…I just said it because I heard that guys were turned on by virgins. I…I’m one hundred percent certain that…that…” I winced and hoped he didn’t catch it, not knowing why this last part was so hard for me to get out. Not knowing why it made my chest hurt so much, why I felt so
awful
for making this all up. Not sure why it hurt me to try so hard to make Alexei not want me. “That
Tyler
is the father. He’s my fiancé. We’re getting married. It’s his baby. I’m positive.”

There was a long moment where Alexei simply sat there. He stared at me, seemingly frozen in time or lost in some thoughts that were far, far away from me. For a second, I thought I’d actually
broken
him somehow. He looked so vulnerable. It was almost enough to make me feel awful about what I’d told him, and for a wild moment, I almost went back and said it was all a lie. But then the anger came.

He jerked up to a standing position, his face growing red with anger. His eyes flashed at me and I felt a twinge of guilt race through me. I loved those eyes, the way they always looked at me with hunger.

Except not now. Now, they were just angry.

I’m sorry,
I found myself thinking. But I didn’t say it aloud. I couldn’t. It didn’t matter how much my heart ached to have Alexei with me. It didn’t matter that I wanted him in ways that I’d never wanted any other man. It didn’t matter that he filled me with warmth and need and something else that I couldn’t explain but was breaking right in that moment. It didn’t matter, because I simply couldn’t let him raise my baby. I couldn’t.

“Positive,” he repeated.

I answered, though it wasn’t really a question and I didn’t really want to say it. “Yes, positive.” It hurt me to get the words out, but I managed.

He began to pace angrily along the length of my floor. Which really wasn’t much. In one stride he was across it and had to turn around to take another stride and repeat the process. There just wasn’t enough space in my bedroom area for proper pacing, but he was trying. Probably because the tension that lined his shoulders looked vicious and I was pretty sure he was consumed by anger.

But he wasn’t leaving. I had the sinking suspicion that there was some small part of him that was thinking things through, that he was trying to come to some sort of conclusion. Maybe trying to make himself be okay with me having lied or me having slept with Tyler or even the baby not being his. I couldn’t be sure, but it seemed like he was still trying to make himself alright with me belonging to him when I so clearly had been with someone else.

How odd,
I thought.

Why would he care? Really, a baby was a burden, wasn’t it? Most guys didn’t even want one. And though Tyler had stepped up to the plate, it seemed to me that after our last conversation, that had more to do with some lingering puppy love for me rather than any want for a child.

The thought made me a little annoyed. Did I really want Tyler, who didn’t seem to actually
want
my baby, marrying me and raising it?

Pushing that thought aside, I reminded myself that it was the best of a bunch of really bad options. No, I wasn’t in love with Tyler. No, the baby wasn’t his. No, I didn’t want to be married to him for the rest of my life, but it was time to make some adult decisions. Tyler would be a good father and husband, even if the love he felt for me would have to be forever unrequited. I would do my best to try and be a good little wife, to even love him if I could. The thought caused the aching in my chest to worsen, but I somehow knew that it would never be what I wanted.

Unfortunately, it was my only option left. I couldn’t let Alexei be the father of my child, no matter how much he seemed to want to. His life was filled with murder and danger and the little fact that he was after my brother.

How could I let the man who wanted to murder my brother be the father of my child?

There was a simple answer. I couldn’t.

So I pushed forward, even though it was like ripping out my own heart. “Alexei, I’m marrying Tyler.” I said it with as much firmness as I could. Enough power in those words to make them believable even to my own ears, which were still trying to translate the words into something else that sounded a lot more like
Alexei.
It was enough to make Alexei turn and stare at me. The anger hadn’t disappeared, nor had the tension, but there was something else lacing it, too. Something that I couldn’t place, or maybe just didn’t want to. Finally, I had to look away to say the very last part, possibly the most
important
part. “I’m marrying Tyler and I never want to see you again. Not ever.”

Rage bloomed anew on Alexei’s face. He was livid, anger and anguish marring his beautiful features until I felt as though I’d wrecked something precious. His eyes flashed with unspoken words. Things that were probably terrible, meant to be like cutting, slicing knives to dive into my heart and my flesh. He probably wanted me to hurt like I seemed to be making him hurt, but there was nothing to be done about it. His mouth remained shut and with one last scathing look, he turned away from me.

I felt that ache in my heart intensify. Suddenly, I felt like I was struggling to breathe. I didn’t know why it was so hard to watch him walk away, but it was causing me what felt like real, physical pain.

I wanted him to stay. Despite how bad I knew he was for me and my baby to be, I felt inexplicably drawn to him. I wanted him to be here with me.

But he couldn’t be in my life. I had to think about not only what was best for me, but for my baby, too. Not to mention my brother.

Alexei paused at the door. He turned and looked straight at me, that last look so searing that I could almost feel it like a punch in the gut. Finally, he turned away and stomped out the door, slamming it closed behind him.

I waited several beats in the silence that followed before it consumed me.

He’s gone. He’s gone, and with what I’ve said, he’s never coming back.

The knowledge of that fact wracked my body. Sobs came up unbidden. Curling myself up in a ball on my bed, I cried until I had no tears left. When I was finally exhausted, I fell asleep.

Alexei

Angry did not begin to cover what I was feeling in that moment. As I slammed the door to Susanna’s apartment behind me there was a sense of finality that shook my system to the core. The idea that somehow everything I had experienced with Susanna was a lie was almost too much for me to bear. Emotions swamped me until I wasn’t even sure what I was thinking.

Was I angry with her for lying to me? Or upset at the idea that the baby wasn’t mine? Should I feel relieved about the whole thing—or was this a moment to feel betrayed?

I wasn’t certain, but there was one little thing that I couldn’t quite put out of my head: what if Susanna
was
lying? Not then, not before when she told me she had been a virgin and that I had been her very first. No, instead, what if it was just now that had been a lie? I had witnessed her tears. She’d seemed genuinely afraid to tell me about the baby, but not because it wasn’t mine. Instead, she’d seemed positive that it
was
mine and that her hesitancy to tell me stemmed from this idea that I wouldn’t have wanted it.

And perhaps I shouldn’t have. God knew it would make my life much more complicated. In the end, Susanna had given me a very viable way out. No child to worry about. No lover to remain at home, preventing me from entertaining other female guests in my home or my bed. No responsibilities as such.

Except I had pictured a life with all of those things—a life with Susanna and that baby—and now there was a strange, aching part of me that wanted it. The urge was so strong that I had to force myself to take deep, soothing breaths and remember that I was standing outside her apartment because there was a chance that the baby wasn’t mine.

I just couldn’t shake the feeling that it
was
.

There was a huge part of me that wanted to march right back in there and demand she tell me the truth. I wanted her to admit that she wanted me just as much as I wanted her, that I had been her first, that her desire for me had driven her to give up her virginity to me and me alone. I wanted her to pour out her deepest desires, because I knew they circled around me. She had to be craving the same things I was. She had to want deep, passionate sex that left her aching in the morning, but sated in a way that she’d never been before.

She
had
to.

And some part of her had to want to tell me that that baby was mine. I knew it.

But the much more rational part of me knew that was a poor choice. Susanna had made it clear that she didn’t want to admit the baby was mine—if it was at all, of course—and going back now would only cause more problems. No, I would have to leave so that I could clear my head. I had to think things through and come up with a better approach. A means of proving the baby was mine, to begin with, and then a way of proving how much Susanna wanted me.

Things that would take some careful planning, I was beginning to assume.

Plus, if I gave Susanna enough time alone, maybe she would come to her senses. Once she’d calmed down about the whole thing, she could realize that we were clearly made for each other. And more importantly, that she was already mine, not that asshole fiancé of hers. She didn’t belong with him. If she did, she wouldn’t keep spreading her legs for me to fit between.

Resolving to give things a little space and time, I reminded myself that I had a job to complete. Christopher’s trail was getting cold and since I hadn’t learned anything of his whereabouts from Susanna—as though I’d even asked in the first place—I was falling quickly behind. If I didn’t get my ass in gear, I was going to end up right back where I started.

I decided I needed to put all of my attention in finding and killing Christopher. Once that was taken care of, I could deal with the issues with Susanna. And if that gave her enough time to get married before coming to her senses, if that meant killing a husband, so be it.

Feeling better at least a little bit now that I had renewed direction, I focused my attention on my work.

Turning determinedly from the door, I stalked down the hallway towards the stairs that would lead me to the lobby. I considered where Christopher might be now, given that he clearly wasn’t hiding out at Susanna’s. The only smart thing the asshole had done in the first place. If he dragged her into this, then I might be forced to do worse than kill him. I still didn’t think the father was a place Christopher would go. It was out of town, which would be the
smart
move to make, but I was getting the impression that the father was…stricter and less forgiving than Susanna.

What sort of young woman, as beautiful and lovable as Susanna, was still a virgin in her early twenties? The answer was one who had been raised to believe in waiting for sex until marriage. And typically, those types of parents were very strict in their belief systems and less forgiving of straying from the path.

Which might be why Susanna is so eager to be married.

The thought came unbidden, but as soon as it was there I felt that it was viable. After all, if her father was strict about the whole no sex until marriage thing, then her being pregnant would put her at odds with her family. But if she married Tyler before she started showing…yes, it was certainly a realistic scenario.

Unfortunately, so was the one where she lied about being a virgin in the first place.

I frowned and tried to refocus on Christopher. The father was out as a hiding place. So, obviously, was Susanna. There was no mother. So what were my options? I thought about his partner from the bar that night. Was there a possibility that I could get more information on him and that they were maybe hiding out together? It seemed reasonable. I decided I would try Dominic first, then Vinny. The less I had to involve Vinny, the happier he would be about the whole thing.

I headed down the stairs, finally emerging into the lobby. I noticed there wasn’t even a person sitting at the front desk and thought not for the first time how lousy of a place this was.
She can’t stay here,
I thought, and had to remind myself that I was trying to give Susanna space.

Obviously it wasn’t going very well just yet.

As I was making my way towards the door, I noticed a young man heading in. He had dirt colored hair and a summery tanned skin tone, but otherwise was unremarkable. I would have walked right past him if I hadn’t had a sudden, vivid spark of memory. He was standing next to Susanna just opposite her apartment door. They were leaving together, talking and familiar in a way that made my hackles rise. I didn’t care for the way they were being so casual, so used to each other’s presence. It didn’t settle well with me to the point where I had the urge to sink my fist into his face.

A similar reaction came over me now, but stronger in intensity as I finally put some of the pieces together. This man here was Tyler. Her fiancé. The man whom she claimed had gotten her pregnant, but wasn’t man enough to make her want him the way she wanted me.

Sudden, blinding rage consumed me and all I wanted to do was inflict serious violence upon this unsuspecting wretch of a man. I should have kept walking, but I couldn’t do it. Maybe if I hadn’t caught his gaze and seen sudden spark of recognition on
his
part, too, I could have done it. But this man had put together who
I
was just as I’d done with him, which sparked a mingling of anger and hope in my chest.

Susanna had mentioned me just as she had mentioned him. Maybe that meant nothing, but a small, determined voice in my head promised that this was important.
I
was important enough to her that she had told him about me.

This Tyler’s features darkened, his expression one of obvious annoyance and anger towards me. It fed the emotions inside me, the ones that told me it was a
good
thing that I had already gotten under this man’s skin. After all, why would he be annoyed towards me if I meant nothing to Susanna? It wasn’t as though she had told him
I
was her fiancé, after all.

Squaring my shoulders, gearing up for a fight, I stopped my progress and allowed him to approach me. He did automatically, easily, and I smiled darkly at his eagerness.

My hands ached with the urge to ball into fists, to pummel into his tanned, unremarkable face.
She deserves better than you,
I thought without missing a beat. I could beat him to within an inch of his life and farther. If I got rid of him and then his body, then Susanna would have no one to claim as hers, no wall to put up in defense of my relentless determination to claim her.

It would be easy, but I restrained.

I arched an eyebrow at him, waiting.

Puffing himself up as big as he was able, he squared his shoulders—slighter, less impressive compared to my own well defined body—and lifted his chin just slightly. It might have been a gesture of defiance if he weren’t so obviously shorter than me. Short enough that he had to look up to stare me in the eyes.

It made me smile viciously down at him.

“You need to leave her alone,” he said in what was supposed to be a menacing, in control tone, I was sure, but fell rather flat on my ears.

His simple command made my body twitch with sudden, gripping tension. What right did this
child
have to order me around? He couldn’t call himself a man, clearly, since he hadn’t yet convinced Susanna the way that I had. Sure she was avoiding me now, hiding behind
him
as though that might detour me, but I knew better. She was only afraid of the deep well of desire that opened up whenever we were in the same room together. It wasn’t because of any love or devotion to
this
pathetic excuse of a man.

I grinned at him, dark and menacing, as I forced myself to be calm, despite the growing need to pummel him. “I’ll give you one opportunity,” I told him in a calm that should have terrified him.

I saw him shake a little, but he did his best to hold it back. It was the only impressive thing I’d seen him do yet, but it wasn’t enough to make me like him more. There was something slimy about him that made me want to wash my hands of this poor excuse for a human being. I couldn’t explain it, but it was there.

“Opportunity for
what
?” he asked snidely.

“To walk away from her.”

At that he barked out a short, obnoxious laugh. He was clearly trying to be tough, but was inexperienced with it to say the least. I found him to be annoying at best, but I was determined—for Susanna’s poor heart more than anything else—to give him this single opportunity. Then I would show him what I did to people who tried to give me orders. I waited for an answer and it came swiftly.

“Who the hell do you think you are?” he answered, his thin lips pulling back in a sneer. Perhaps my repulsion was purely because he was moving in on
my
territory, but I found him to be an ugly young man. More so the longer I was in his presence. “She’s
my
fiancée and if you think for one second that—”

I didn’t let him finish. As soon as
fiancée
slipped from his ugly mouth, I grabbed for him. My hands fisted themselves into his plain t-shirt and I shoved him backwards. He slammed into the wall and I lifted, finding him to be light as I pinned him against the wall for leverage. His feet dangled just out of reach of the floor as I got into his face.

“I will tell you this once, so listen well because I will not have a second conversation with you,” I told him in a low, dangerous tone, my emotions getting the better of me. I didn’t care. “If you come within eyesight of Susanna ever again, I will have no choice. I will kill you. Don’t underestimate me,
boy
.”

With that, I let him fall. He stumbled, then finally just slumped down against the wall, landing on his butt with his long legs spiraled awkwardly about him. He was wide-eyed and pale, looking like some gawking, awkward teenager instead of the
man
who was supposed to marry Susanna.

I left him feeling sure that at least that one problem was taken care of. He wasn’t brave enough to defy me.