Bouquet Toss (10 page)

“Wow, Mayson, what are you doing here?”

“I had to see you.   May I come in?”  He asks, looking unsure of what the answer will be. 

“Of course, yes.” My pulse is speeding rapidly, completely off the charts.  Adrenaline is coursing through my body as I have no idea what to think. For weeks I’ve been preparing for my demise with Mayson, but here he is, standing in my apartment, shivering from the Midwestern chill.

“You must be freezing,” I say, running to get a blanket.  Before, I can take two steps, Mayson grabs my hand.  He twirls me around into his arms. I giggle, falling backwards into his firm chest.

“I’ve missed you.  I’ve missed that incredibly sexy laugh.” He says, staring into my eyes.

So badly, I want to tell him how much I’ve missed him, but the words won’t come.  Terrified of saying too much, of drawing parallels from the past, I muster a small smile.

“It’s wonderful to see you, too, Mayse.”

Several hours later, we’re lounging on the couch, watching a romantic comedy. Feeling a bit more confident, I ask the question I’ve wanted to ask, needed to ask since he arrived at my door.  It’s the elephant in the room and we both know it.  It’s time to get rid of the elephant.  

“Did you have a nice Thanksgiving?”

“No, I didn’t, Daphne.” He says, his eyes darkening.  Suddenly, I feel like he’s upset with me.  But, that doesn’t make any sense.  After all, I wanted to spend the holiday together.

“Why is that?” I ask, confused.

“I didn’t get any of that sweet potato soufflé you told me about.  Why do you think I hopped on a plane today? I just had to try it,” He winks at me, his rascally grin flashing, causing my cheeks to grow pink.

“Well, you could’ve had some yesterday.  I make a pretty decent soufflé.  And I’m sure the grocery stores in
South Carolina
have all the necessary ingredients.” I say, terrified that I’ve not only exposed the elephant in the room, but also tied a bright pink feather boa to its trunk.  Mayson doesn’t hesitate.  He nods and takes a deep breath.  He is clearly prepared for this conversation. Perhaps he knows me better than I give him credit for.

“I know. I’m really sorry.  But, I’m here now.  And I did a lot of thinking as I sat at my Mother’s dining room table last night, wishing you were there with me.”

I try to keep the air in my lungs as he says these words, but I cannot.  Shock fills me as I stare at him wondering if my bottom lip is on the floor.

“Really?” My voice is soft and hoarse.

“Yes, Daphne, you silly girl.  I wish you had been there with me.  I wish I could’ve introduced you to my family.  I wish I could’ve held your hand at the dinner table while my dad carved the bird.  I wish a lot of things had been different about that day…” His words fade and he looks away briefly, guilt spread across his face. 

He pauses, before continuing, “But, most importantly, I need to tell you something that I realized yesterday.” He says softly, gently stroking my cheek with his hand.  I look at him expectantly.

“I love you, Daphne...so much.”  Mayson’s eyes are glossy.  He looks at me expectantly.

My world stops.  I can’t believe what I’m hearing.  The words I’ve hoped to hear for so many months, so many years since this gorgeous man walked into my life, have just been spoken.  But, now that I’m hearing them, I am beyond conflicted.  All of the cold phone calls, the short text messages, everything that has happened since he came back into my life are invading my brain and I’m incapable of ignoring them.  Desperately, I try to tear down the wall I’ve built, but it sticks.  It’s too strong, I can’t break it down. Not yet.  And so, I answer him the very best that I can.

“I’
m
falling
in love with you, too, Mayson.”  His eyes sink to the floor and he shrugs.

“I guess I deserved that, Daphne.” He shrugs again.  “I know I haven’t exactly been easy to deal with lately.”

Searching for words to erase what I said, to make everything alright, I try desperately to say the three words that he wants to hear…but, I can’t.  They will not leave my lips.  I’m too afraid; too terrified of regretting them after they’ve been said.

“Give me time, Mayson.  You have me on such a roller coaster. When we are up, we are so, so up.  Everything is amazing.  But, when we are down...I feel absolutely lost and terribly weighed down with conflicted emotions.” 

My words trail off as I shrug my shoulders and put my hand in his.  He clutches my hand tightly and nods, not looking at me.  I place my head on his shoulder and we continue to watch the movie on the television screen. 

Mistake

I wake up the next morning and there is no sign of Mayson.  His duffel bag is gone, his tooth brush is not on my sink, and I can no longer smell his woodsy scent in my bedroom.  He has left me.  I couldn’t say the words that he needed to hear, and now he is gone.

Besieged with sadness, I throw myself on the couch, sobbing until I can no longer summon the energy to cry.  Completely destroyed, I realize that this is all my own doing.  I call Morgan, desperately needing someone to console me; to comfort me as I digest the fact that I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life.

“Honey, what happened?” she asks, walking into my apartment and wrapping her arms around me.

“Mayson showed up at my door last night.  He told me he loved me,” I say between sobs.

“Well, that’s wonderful.  Why on earth are you crying? And where’s Mayson?”

“No, you don’t get it.  I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t say it back.”

“But, you do love him, Daph.  He should know that by now, even if you couldn’t say the words.  You’ve always loved that man.” She rubs my back reassuringly as she speaks.  

“I’ve messed it all up, Morgan.  I put up a wall and I’ve blocked him out.  And now, he’s gone.  He’s just…gone.”

“Honey, let me make you a cup of tea.  Have you eaten anything?”

“No, I haven’t.  Tea would be nice, though.”  She nods, gives me a gentle smile and walks towards the kitchen, stopping as she glances at the counter top.

“Daph, have you been in here yet today?”  Confused, I try desperately to dissect the look on her face.  She holds up a simple piece of paper. It is a note from Mayson.

Dear Daphne,

I feel terrible that I’m leaving while you are still asleep. I have some things to think about.  I promise I’ll call you tomorrow.  Please forgive me.

Love,

Mayson

“Well, at least he feels bad about leaving,” Morgan places the notebook paper on my coffee table as I stare into space.  “Honey, I don’t want to make this any worse, but may I ask what you did say when he professed his love to you?”

“I told him that I was
falling
in love with him….” I say, glancing up at her with a sheepish expression.

“Ouch,” she grimaces.

“I know,” I reply, hanging my head. “You have no idea how badly I wanted to tell him that I love him. I do, I love him desperately. That’s what terrifies me.”

“So, why didn’t you just say it?”

“Did you not hear what I said, Morgan?  I’m afraid; so afraid that he will break my heart.”

“But, he professed his love first. Wasn’t that thrilling?”

“Yes, of course, but so confusing.  He’s basically been avoiding me since I asked to be with him at Thanksgiving.  And now, he shows up and confesses his love.  I panicked. What can I say?”

“Maybe you should call him.  Tell him now.  Better late than never?”

“No, in his note, he said he’d call me tomorrow. I know him well enough to know that he doesn’t want me to contact him before then.  Besides, he says he has to think things through.”  Hanging my head, I continue, “Maybe this is just too much for me, Morgan.  Maybe I need something simpler, someone who doesn’t make me feel like this.”

“Like
what
, in love?”  Morgan asks, surprised.

“No, of course I want to be in love.  But, you have no idea how tortured this ‘love’ makes me feel.  We’re up, we’re down.  We’re on, we’re off.  I can’t keep up. I am constantly confused, bewildered, overwhelmed and panicked.  I trust him one minute, but can’t rely on him the next.  Yes, he has said he loves me, but I have no idea what that even means to him.  Maybe I should be with someone who doesn’t make me feel so uneasy.”

“Maybe,” Morgan says unconvincingly.  “Listen, I know you are feeling awful, but Matt and his friends are having a get together at the Cubby Bear.  Maybe you’d feel better if you came out with us tonight.  It could get your mind off of things with Mayson.”

“But, what if he calls?”

“That’s simple. Just bring your cell.  You can step outside and talk to him if he calls.  I hate to think of you sitting around in this apartment feeling like this.  You look awful, Daph.”

“Wow, thanks.”

“He’ll come around, Daph.  He loves you.  It will all work itself out.  Let’s go get your mind off of things, even if it’s only for a few hours.”

“Alright,” I agree begrudgingly.

Later that evening, I’m finishing my third
Long Island
iced tea and dancing with Morgan to a local band.  Buzzed is an understatement to describe my level of intoxication at this moment.  I am feeling no pain whatsoever as I sway and bounce to the blaring music.  Eventually, Matt and his friend, Evan, begin dancing with us.  Matt swoops in and wraps his arms around Morgan.  She leans in seductively and places her head on his shoulder.  As they dance, Evan stands behind me and we dance and sway to the music together.

I can feel Evan closing the gap between us, placing his hands gently on my hips. His breath is hot against my neck as we begin to fall into rhythm with one another.  I rock from left to right, inching closer and closer to him as the music pounds.  Slowly, he twists me until we are face to face. 

Evan is handsome in a frat-boy kind of way.   His short brown hair spikes a bit at the front.  His deep brown eyes are warm, but sexy, and I find myself wanting to attach myself to him, attach myself to something easier, something simpler than what I have with Mayson.

“You’re really hot when you dance, Daphne.” Evan says, looking deep into my eyes. 

“Thanks, you’re not so bad yourself.” I reply, raising an eyebrow.

“I was hoping I’d see you here.  Matt mentioned you’ve been seeing someone, but you seem pretty available tonight...”

Evan and I have crossed paths in the past, usually in settings such as these, but I’ve never paid him much attention. He’s a laid back guy who seems to always be single.  His sense of humor is sarcastic and he makes me laugh but, until tonight, I’ve never felt any type of spark with him.  Whether it’s the
Long Island
making its way through my bloodstream or the heartbreak that’s consuming me, it doesn’t matter.  All I know is that this perfectly attractive and friendly guy has his hands on my hips and his eyes locked with mine.  He’s interested in more than just chit-chat or dancing.  He wants me.

“Yeah, I’m available,” I flirt.

Through my drunken haze, I’m jerked back to my meeting with Kim the psychic.  She mentioned the man I would be with in the future. He would have brown hair.  She also said it would take time for us to fall in love, to be happy.  Overcome with emotion, I tell Evan that I need to use the washroom.

“Hurry back,” he smiles.

Running to Morgan, I yank her from Matt’s arms and drag her to the Ladies Room.

“What the hell is going on, Daphne?” Morgan is tipsy too.  This conversation could be a challenge.

“What if Evan’s the one, Morgan?” I shriek, clasping my hands together.

“What?  You hardly seemed interested in him, Daphne. What are you talking about?”

“The psychic, Morgan!  Remember the psychic?  She said I was going to end up with a guy with chestn
ut hair.  His hair is
dark brown
!  That’s chestnut, right?” I ask, staring into space.  The
Long
Islands
are disturbing the processing in my fuzzy brain.

“Yes, Daphne, chestnut is dark brown,” Morgan rolls her eyes. “But, you don’t even like him.  You’re just humoring him because you’re upset about Mayson.”

“But, remember, she said it would take some time for us to be happy!” The other women in the restroom are starting to look annoyed with my noise level but, we’re in a bar, it’s awfully loud and I’ve had way too much to drink, so I honestly do not care.

“Daphne, I don’t know.” Morgan shakes her head.

“I feel like this could be a sign.”

“What kind of sign?” Morgan looks apprehensive.

“That Evan is the one for me.  I need to give him time, that’s all!”

“Look, Daph.  I like Evan. He’s actually a really cool guy. I would love it if you dated him.  Hell, I’d be thrilled if you two fell in love.  So, do whatever feels right.  I’m done defending Mayson, especially since I don’t even like the guy.”  I frown at her.

“Sorry, truth serum talking,” she sighs, shrugging her shoulders, holding up her
Long Island
. “Look, let’s go back to the guys and have funnn, Daphne.” She slurs, looking up at the bathroom ceiling and stomping her right foot just a bit.