Bouquet Toss (13 page)

She shrugs.  My heart breaks for this lovely and kind woman who has opened herself up to me despite our circumstances. I wish so badly that I had the power to take her pain away.  Selfishly, I want to see Mayson’s stunning green eyes again.  I want to tell him that I love him and know that he can hear me. I want to be with him, despite everything that has happened.  I want him to live.

Being with his mother has made me fall in love with him all over again.  Despite his deceit, despite his lies, in this moment I am bound to him, to his mother, to his family. 

Later that afternoon, I return to Elise who is patiently waiting for me in the uncomfortable hospital chairs.  She has waited for me and instantly I feel relieved by her presence.  Elise stares at me in disbelief as I finish explaining everything that has transpired in Mayson’s hospital room.

“What do I do, Elise?  Please, tell me…tell me what I should do.” I search her face for answers, but cannot find any.  She shrugs her shoulders compassionately and rubs my forearm softly before speaking.

“Daphne, things with Mayson have always been complicated.  You’ve never seemed quite comfortable with him, not quite yourself.  I’ve noticed that for years.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” I ask, my eyes burning, my nose painfully red.

“It wasn’t my place,” she says, shaking her head “You loved him, you still do.  You’re my best friend in the entire world and I want so desperately for you to be happy.”

“You said I’m not myself with him.  What did you mean by that?”

“You always seem so unsure of yourself when you’re with him.  As if you are always on your very best behavior.  And honestly, that’s not how love should be.  Just ask Henry!  I’m myself with him, completely and utterly myself.  Sometimes it sucks to be my husband, I assure you.  But, he loves me anyway.  He loves me when I’m bitchy, when I’m moody, or when I’m jealous. He just loves me.”

“Mayson told me he loved me…”

“Yes, I know, honey.  But, how well does Mayson actually know you, the real you?  Please don’t misunderstand me.  You are wonderful.  You’re funny, kind and sensitive.  You light up a room. I know he sees that!  But, when you’ve had a bad day, do you let him see it?  When you’re pissed off at him, do you let him have it?  I
know
you don’t. And to be with someone,
really
be with someone, he has to know you inside and out, the good and the bad.”  I hang my head in shame, knowing that she is absolutely right.  I held back my feelings with Mayson.  I built my wall in order to keep myself safe.   How could he possibly love someone he doesn’t really know?

“I still love him.  But, this kind of betrayal, I don’t know that I can ever forgive this.  I don’t know that I can move forward even if I am the one that he wants to be with.”

“Daph, if you want to leave, we’ll go.  If you want to stay, that’s what we’ll do.  Give yourself some time to decide.”  Elise takes my hand in hers and squeezes it tight.  “You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.  Remember that.” She smiles gently, squeezes my hand one more time and gestures towards the door.

“Let’s get you out of here.  You need to clear your head and you can’t be here any longer.  You need some distance from Mayson, from Brynn and even from his family.  You need to figure out what
you
want, my friend.

Return

It’s been six weeks since I sat with Cece in Mayson’s hospital room.  Mayson’s condition has not changed at all. Cece has warned me that the doctors are starting to become more and more pessimistic about his outlook.  Christmas was awful without him.   Not that we had ever spent any holidays together but, I’d been so hopeful that this would be our first.  I had called Cece that morning to wish her a Merry Christmas.  In my gut, I knew she would be with Mayson in his hospital room. She couldn’t bear to leave him.  The rest of the family returned to
South Carolina
as she decorated his sterile room with garland and some of his favorite childhood ornaments.  It didn’t make a difference.

I’m back at home, trying my best to live my life.  Occasionally, a student will stay after class and ask me if I’m doing okay.  Other faculty members have also taken notice of my rather melancholy disposition.  I’ve chosen to keep most of this private, especially because I’m embarrassed that, technically, Mayson and I were having an affair.  Afraid of judgment, I’ve kept my mouth shut, only revealing the details of my misery to Morgan and Elise.

Morgan and I are making popcorn, preparing to watch a crazy reality show when my cell phone rings. My heart jumps when I see that it’s Cece.  Cece usually sends text messages to let me know that Mayson has stayed the same in his condition.  Perhaps she’s calling with good news!

“Hello, dear,” she says.  Her voice is sullen and instantly I’m terrified.

“Cece, hi, how are you?”

“Daphne, I don’t know how to say this...” her voice trails.

“Cece, what is it?  Is Mayson ok?”

“No, Daphne.  My husband found some documents in Mayson’s safe along with his life insurance policy. He left a will and it states rather emphatically that we are not to, under any circumstances, allow him to persist in a situation like this.  He has no interest in being kept alive by machines. His lawyer drafted him a DNR document, ‘do not resuscitate.’ There’s nothing more that we are legally allowed to do.”

“So, what are you saying?  Are they making you turn off the machines?” No, this can’t be happening. I can’t lose him.  Cece sobs into the phone.  I feel terrible for being so selfish. 

“I am so, so sorry.  I shouldn’t be thinking of myself.  I can’t even imagine how hard it must be for you to make these phone calls.  What can I do?”

“Com
e and say goodbye, Daphne.  We’
re turning the machines off tomorrow.  I begged the doctors to wait until then, so that his brothers can be here. But, I have no idea how long he will still… be with us when they turn them off.”

“Of course,” I reply, my voice weak and frail.  Tears are streaming down my cheeks.  This is a nightmare and, rather than waking up from this wretched dream, I now have to force myself to get on an airplane and continue the agony.  But, I need to be there, for Mayson and for Cece.  I need to say goodbye, to kiss his cheek and tell him, again, how much I love him.

Morgan and I arrive at the hotel in
Denver
the following morning.  I’m grateful that my cousin has dropped everything, called in sick and accompanied me here.  If not for her, I don’t know if I’d have made it.  As it was, I was in tears at the airport and on the plane.

“I’m going to stay here if that’s ok, Daph.”  Morgan says, pulling her laptop from her briefcase.  “I didn’t know Mayson and I don’t want to intrude upon his family.  They deserve to be surrounded by those who truly love their son.”

“Of course, Morgan, you’re here for me and I’m so thankful.  I’ll call or text you to let you know when I’ll be back.”

Walking through the hospital doors feels surreal.  I’m returning after a few long, excruciating weeks, and yet it feels as if I never left.  The elevator delivers me to Mayson’s floor and I’m flooded with memories, the good and the bad, the kisses and the tears, the wonderful conversations and the things left unsaid. 

Mayson’s room approaches and my heart catapults into my throat.  Overcome with emotion, I’m terrified that Brynn will be inside the room. I don’t want to cause her any more pain, but I also want to have my own goodbye with Mayson without her watching and judging my every word.

Brynn is nowhere to be found as I enter the room.  I let out a huge sigh of relief, but the tears erupt from my eyes as I see Mayson lying helplessly in the bed.  The hum of the respirator is absent and the silence is maddening.  Cece is sitting next to Mayson and she gestures for me to join her.  She strokes his hand lovingly and it’s clear that he’s still with us for the time being.

“Daphne, I’m so relieved that you’re here.  Dr. Peterson doesn’t think he has much longer.  His pulse has slowed significantly since they disconnected the machines two hours ago.  I’m going to step outside and let you have a moment.  I will be back, though.  I need to be with my baby when he goes,” she wipes a lone tear from her cheek. I offer her a sympathetic smile while rubbing her arm gently.  She squeezes my hand briefly before walking out of the room.

I slide the chair next to Mayson’s side and hold both his hands in mine.  I need to say goodbye, even though I cannot possibly imagine a world without Mayson in it.

“I’m so glad I got to see you one last time, Mayse.  I would’ve regretted it forever if I hadn’t.  I know I should be angry with you.  I should be furious, but I’m not.  I’m too devastated to be angry.  I thought this was it, Mayse.  I thought it’d be you and me.” I sob, wiping my tears with my sleeve.

“But, I have to let you go now.  It’s time for you to be at peace.  I will always wonder what could’ve been for us, Mayson.  I will always treasure those lovely moments that we shared.  And I will always do my very best to not let my memories be clouded by your mistakes,” I stop to take a deep breath before I continue speaking,   “I need you to hear me, Mayson.  I need you to hear me when I say that I love you.  Because I do, Mayse, no matter what happened, no matter what you did or didn’t do...I love you.”

Choking on the words and tears, I feel Cece’s delicate hand on my shoulder.  I stand and hug her tightly before releasing her.  She needs to be with her son now.  Her husband is standing by the door, watching us stoically.  It’s the first time I’ve ever seen him.  His face is pained, but he does not cry.  I turn back to Cece.

“I need to allow you time with your son.  Besides, I can’t bear to be here when he goes.  Thank you for giving me that time.  I needed it more than you will ever know.”   Somehow, I muster the strength to leave the room, knowing that Mayson will be gone in a matter of hours, minutes or even seconds.  The thought is unbearable and I can’t be here.

Walking towards the elevator, I see a blond woman slumped over a garbage can, her hair pulled back weakly by her own hands.

“Brynn?” I ask weakly.  Brynn stands up, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.

“Ugh! Not you. Please go...just go away.  I don’t want to be near you right now, not today.” She hisses, leaning over to clutch the trash can once again.  I can smell alcohol on her breath. 

“Please, Brynn. Let me help you.  There is a restroom right around the corner.  I’ll help you get cleaned up before you...” I summon the words, but they will not leave my mouth.

“Before I lose the man I’m supposed to marry?  Before he dies?  God, I don’t want to be talking about this with you, his
whore
, of all people.”

“I’m not his whore, Brynn, just like you aren’t his fiancé.” I say matter-of-factly. Her blotchy, red eyes widen as she looks at me in shock.  “Yes,” I continue, “I know.”  Brynn opens her mouth as if to speak, but simply stares at me, wide eyed, looking ashamed. 

“He doesn’t have much time, Brynn.  And if you don’t say goodbye, you’ll always regret it.”

             
“How
dare
you?” she spits the words as if they’re venom, “You know absolutely
nothing
about me.  You don’t know the years I’ve spent loving that man, planning our future and worshipping the ground he walked on.  Don’t you get it?  I wasn’t enough.  I wasn’t enough to keep him faithful.  He went looking for something more.  He went looking for you!”  She sobs as she yells at me.  I take the lashing, for I know that on some level she’s right.  I stand up straight and prepare for more abuse.  But, instead, she takes my hand and sinks into my arms.

“I will never, ever forgive him.  I wish you’d never showed up here, Daphne.  At least then I could’ve said goodbye; I could’ve loved him when he died. I could’ve...I could’ve...this can’t be happening!  Why is this happening?”

“Brynn, I’m begging you to please say goodbye to him.  Neither of us asked for this to happen. Neither of us wants to feel like we weren’t enough for him.  But, the truth is, we will never feel anything else.  He’s leaving us. He’s going soon. You need to make peace, Brynn. You need to forgive him.”

“Do you?” she asks, incredulously, pulling away from me.  She looks bewildered. “Do
you
forgive him?”

“Right now, yes, I’ve forgiven him.  I don’t know how I’ll feel tomorrow.  But, I know I have to be here with him right now. I said goodbye and gave him my forgiveness.  I needed to do that. I needed to let him go.  I have no idea how I’ll feel in the future but I don’t think I will ever regret saying goodbye to the love of my life.”

“Is that who he was to you, the love of your life?’

“Yes,” I whisper, afraid of hurting her. 

“He was mine, too,” she responds. “Damn him!”

“Look, Brynn, I don’t know why he kept us both around. I really don’t.  But, I have to believe that it was because he loved us, both of us.  We both know Mayson could be selfish, and maybe this was his ultimate act of selfishness.  He couldn’t bear to let either of us go.”

“Maybe,” she nods reluctantly, “I wish I could get the world to stop spinning for a minute.  There’s no way that I can face his parents like this.  I need to sober up.”