Box Set: The ArringtonTrilogy (85 page)

“Absolutely not. How dare you suggest such a
thing?” I was insulted he thought I was the kind of girl in the
show that he flirted with, took into back rooms, and did things in
private that made me feel sick to my stomach just thinking
about.

“This is an opportunity of a lifetime for
you. You can’t say no,” he said, leaping to his feet and making me
turn and look at him. I was holding back the tears that stung
behind my eyes. Every day something happened to take away my chance
of returning to the lighthouse.

“I will not do it.”

Richard spun me around and insisted I listen
to him. “It isn’t what you think. Wealthy men and women come from
all over to see Bart’s show. You want to be famous. I know you do;
I see it in your eyes.”

“No, I don’t!” I flared. “You don’t know such
a thing!”

Richard released his grip from my arms and
then stared deeply into my tear-filled eyes. I wanted so much for
him to take me in his arms and tell me he would take care of me
with Judith’s money and not expose me to the world. I didn’t want
to sacrifice my dignity for fame or fortune. Not when he could
simply give me the money. I didn’t have the courage to ask him,
however; I didn’t feel I had any right.

With my head bowed, I watched as my tears
dropped, one by one, onto the polished wood floor.

“Didn’t I promise to take care of you?” he
asked in a whisper, softly into my ear. “I know this is the right
thing for you. I will be by your side; I will hold your hand. This
is a part of your journey, Lillian.”

“How?” I sniveled.

Finally, he brought me into his warm embrace
and hushed me as I had been longing for. My arms clung around his
waist then up onto his back as my tears quickly became heavy sobs.
“I just want to go home.”

“Dear, dear child, if it were only that
simple. There are things I should tell you, so you know I am purely
looking out for you welfare.” He pulled a handkerchief from his
breast pocket and tenderly wiped my wet cheeks and running nose.
Then he sighed heavily and said, “I think you finally need to know
the whole truth.”

Richard sat me down, gave me a glass of
brandy, and insisted I take a swift drink to calm me down. My eyes
remained fixed on him as he paced the floor, apparently
contemplating how to divulge the details of a secret he had been
keeping from me for some time.

“There is a piece of information I didn’t
think you should know . . . well, up until now. I know how you long
to return to your beloved island; I see the pain in your eyes from
the years spent away. There is no doubt you have been through a
terrible ordeal, and I certainly believe you were merely an
innocent victim. But as I have told you previously, the law might
just see what happened to Mr. Stone differently than you and I. I
have done my best to keep you safe and out of jail. You believe
that don’t you?”

I nodded in agreement. I knew how much he had
done for me. Did he need me to say it aloud?

“What you don’t know is that the law knows
exactly where you are.”

The liquid that was midway down my throat
instantly hurled up, causing me to choke and spit as Richard’s
revelation panicked me. He came and tapped me on the back, then
lifted my chin and made me see the reflection of my own predicament
in his eyes.

“I don’t understand,” I cried once I caught
my breath. “If they know . . .”

“I have paid the constable more money than he
could possibly see in a lifetime to keep his silence. I paid dearly
for his promise to see to it that you are never discovered . . .
ever. Judith gives me a yearly allowance,” he laughed with
cynicism. “Ridiculous as that may seem, it is true. I used it all
to free you, Lillian Arrington, from, at the very least, a life
rotting away in jail.”

My mind was spinning! They knew all along
where I was and could have arrested me. But Richard had made some
kind of illegal bargain to keep me out of prison, or possibly from
being hanged. Now I was forever in debt to him. I had to be in the
show.

He came and knelt down beside me and took my
hands in his, and with pleading eyes, implored me to be happy. “We
can take this journey together, you and I. Please don’t cry. I
wanted to do it, and I don’t regret sacrificing so much money for
your freedom. It will all work out; I know you will be happy,”
Richard said, as he once again wiped the tears from my face. When
he finished, he placed his warm lips on my cheek and allowed them
to linger long enough to cause my heart skip a beat. I closed my
eyes and wished myself away, wished I were a little girl again,
climbing the slippery rocks on the first lighthouse station I had
ever known. I wished Momma and Daddy were here, comforting and
loving me, protecting me from all the frightening scenarios the
world always seemed to have in store for me.

* * *

Scornful eyes, nasty scowls I received back
in the dressing room from the girls in the show. Even Wanda and
Phoebe whispered secrets about me, I later learned, and accused me
of becoming Richard’s new lover.

Night after night I performed on stage, and
though I didn’t believe for one second that I was any good, Richard
beamed with pride as he sat in the audience. Mr. Wilco was pleased,
and my participation in the show brought standing ovations.

It came easily to me, learning my lines and
memorizing the little songs I had to sing, and the dance numbers
became second nature. The seductive costumes I at first could not
imagine myself wearing became ordinary. Before long, I received the
leading role, and night after night I played my part, but I
couldn’t wait to get back to the house and collapse into bed. The
hours were exhausting; my feet hurt and my vocal cords were sore,
but Richard exclaimed that I was amazing, that my voice was
angelic, and that I was a natural actor. In addition to the musical
with its long nights, he would ask me to pose for him. “Let me do a
nude. For me,” he pleaded.

Although I was becoming more comfortable with
my voluptuous body, and although I began to appreciate the whistles
and gawking men in the audience, I never wanted anyone to see me
unclothed. I always came to the theater dressed in costume, whereas
the other girls dressed and undressed out in the open. And if I had
a costume change, I went into the tiny bathroom, which was no
bigger than a broom closet. And because I seemed so strange and
different, the girls shied away from me even more. I wondered if
anyone would ever like me, other than Richard and the men who
frequently asked to come backstage to meet me.

One man who made a regular appearance was Ned
Griffin. When Richard was off talking with other aristocrats - most
likely inviting them to the estate up on the Hudson River where
summertime parties lingered well into fall - Ned would steal in
with a beautiful bouquet of red roses and tell me how lovely and
magnificent and funny I was. Flattery was a part of every night;
some men even left me marriage proposals. I thought nothing of it.
Dancing, singing, and saying my lines was only a job. I had a debt
to pay back, and as soon as I did, I would no longer be a part of
any show or in any theater . . . ever.

Ned seemed to be interested in how I was, how
I felt, and if I was happy working for Mr. Wilco.

“I don’t believe Richard would want me
talking to you, Mr. Griffin,” I snapped, not meeting his dark
eyes.

“This is the tenth time I have brought you
flowers, and every time you refuse to take them. What is it about
me you dislike so?” he asked with a sly smile.

“Every day men bring me flowers, and they
mean nothing to me,” I said flatly. I loathed men’s desires, their
perpetual need to see voluptuous women sing and dance, even though
it was where the hundreds and hundreds of dollars came from that
went directly into Mr. Wilco’s deep pockets.

By late fall, when we arrived at the river
estate for the last fling of the year, I pulled Richard aside and
asked him if I had worked hard enough, if I had paid down my debts,
and if I could I finally go. Guests strolled leisurely down every
corridor of the mansion, and it was only in Richard’s suite that I
managed to have a private moment with him. Judith was by his side
nearly every moment of the weekend. Finally, she went off with her
sisters for a late morning ride, and I took the opportunity to
approach Richard.

All the while, as the months had passed, I
had dutifully done as Richard had asked. I performed to the best of
my ability, I danced with grace, I sang the silly melodies with an
angelic voice, and now it was time for my reward. Although our
relationship centered on the theater, though we lived under the
same roof, dined together, and drank together at fancy parties,
Richard didn’t want or need anything more than to be my slave
driver. He didn’t care to know how I felt about my situation or the
quandary I was in. Perhaps he thought I was as happy as he was, and
that what he had promised had been fulfilled. Money and fame, he
swore, would set me free. Nevertheless, it had only worn me down
and left me exhausted and even needier. I hated the strange wealthy
men pining for my affections, the other actors despising me. I’d
had enough.

“What is it, Lillian, that you needed to pull
me away from our friends to talk?” he barked.

“
Our
friends? They are not my friends
down there; they are your friends, and Judith’s and her sisters’,”
I flared.

“What on earth are you so angry at me
for?”

Richard and I were beginning to bicker
occasionally, usually when I was grumpy and tired and sick of him
pestering me for a nude portrait, or when he talked on and on about
the show. Richard was nothing like the loving father I needed,
unlike the brother I sometimes wished for, and nowhere near to a
lover. There was much about him that I was beginning to resent

I gazed out the windows that overlooked the
front lawn. The day was cool and brisk, and the women wore
fashionable riding attire that enhanced their dignity. When I
didn’t answer him right away, he repeated the question; however,
his tone had eased some.

“How long have I been with you?” I asked
meekly.

“You know just as well as I, Lillian, how
long you have been with us.”

My back was turned toward him, for I didn’t
want him to see my tears once again.

“Don’t you feel I have earned my way? Haven’t
I worked hard for you?”

“Yes, yes, you work hard. You are amazing.
You are the most beloved actor. You have done well.”

I whirled about, gripped his arms, and could
no longer contain my pleas. “I want go home now, before winter. It
has been so long! Haven’t I repaid my debts to you with all my hard
work?” I cried.

My desperate appeal took him by surprise; he
grimaced at my suggestion. “So you aren’t happy? The fame, the
adoration means nothing at all to you? I mean nothing to you?” He
looked away from me. Richard was clearly upset, and his
sophisticated charm faded into the demeanor of a sad boy. Maybe he
felt rejected; perhaps he believed I was ungrateful. But I
was
grateful!

“You mean a great deal to me, Richard. You
have saved me from an unfortunate future. But, how long do I have
to repay you?”

With a heavy sigh, he stepped back, then
looked me sternly in the eye. “The portrait. One nude portrait to
add to my collection and I will release you of all financial
obligations to me. You will be free to make your journey home, if
indeed there is anyone who loves you waiting there,” he said
flatly. I was stunned and hurt at the suggestion that no one would
be waiting for my return.

Despite the fact that it had been over four
years, surely Ayden and Heath would have missed me, thought of me
over the years that I had mysteriously been missing. Maybe they
weren’t on Jasper Island any longer. I was almost certain Heath had
become a doctor by now and Ayden a lighthouse keeper, possibly even
the keeper of Jasper Island. Could they have forgotten about me,
after all? Was Richard aware of the things I had continuously
wondered about?

He saw my tears, he sensed my deep pain, but
he turned around and left me standing in the center of the room,
alone. I could have been in a theater full of people, yet I was
always alone.

Some of the other guests were lingering
about, nibbling on delicate sandwiches, and drinking champagne.
Judith again placed herself against Richard’s side and wasn’t aware
of the hurtful looks he periodically threw me from across the room.
Rachael was talking to me, telling me something about her cousin
Sarah (who sounded much like Clara from school - the girl Heath was
once madly in love with) and the man she had recently met and hoped
to marry, but I wasn’t really listening. I was too overwhelmed with
my plight, my indecision, and my own unhappiness. Richard needed me
for only a short time longer. One more portrait and I was free to
go. But what he asked terrified me. How could I undress in front of
any man again after what had happened to me? And though Richard
claimed a woman’s nudity didn’t affect him as it did most men, I
still worried. If I was before him nude, he would see the scars on
my back, the ones that had forever branded me, inflicted by the
sinister grandmother who cursed my very existence.

Guests began to gather for drinks and small
talk in the library. Most were regulars, wealthy friends of the Van
Dorns, who had now come to adore me. Not me as a person, but as the
popular magazine model, or as the well-known actor. None of them
mattered to me, and I rarely had a word to say to them. However, I
was always polite and gracious, as Daddy had taught me. Even the
sisters, Rachael, Judith, and Anna, along with her lady friend
Thea, were overly affable since my newly acquired fame. I
appreciated their generosity - the invitations to go riding and
play lawn games. It was what I had hoped for when I’d first arrived
with Richard many months before. But now it didn’t hold the value I
once thought it would.