Boys for Beginners (12 page)

‘You've been going for eight weeks?!' Elizabeth gasps. ‘That's like, for-ev-er. You two are such a good couple.'

Tanya opens her mouth wide. ‘Do you think you'll get married?' she asks. ‘Do you think he'll propose when you turn sixteen?'

‘I don't know. Probably,' she says. She's thought a lot about this. I've seen the ring she's designed and everything.

I want to ask the BB girls about something. I wasn't sure before, but now that they are being so nice I say, ‘Girls?'

I wait till I have their full attention. They know this is going to be good.

‘If I tell you something, can we make it part of the BB pact that no one is allowed to say anything about it?'

Melissa looks me right in the eyes with the most sincere expression. ‘Gwynnie, we would never tell anyone anything you tell us in confidence. That's, like, fully the thing that BB girls don't do.'

I wait a minute before I look round the group and say, ‘How many boys have you ever got off with?'

‘Four,' says Melissa.

‘Six,' says Kimba, looking smug.

‘One,' says Tanya, a bit embarrassed.

‘Er,' says Elizabeth, ‘there was that one time where it almost happened with Terry Phelps, but then his mum arrived to pick him up.'

Jenny comes in with, ‘Well, I'm on eight,' like it's no big deal and we won't be impressed or anything. ‘One party I was at last year I got off with three guys in one night. It was such a cool party.'

‘I wish I'd been there.' Then I ask the thing I need to ask, ‘How do you know when a bloke is going to snog you? How do you get a guy to actually do it?'

‘Usually the guy is all over you,' says Jenny. ‘At least, that's what happens with me. But sometimes they need a little help. You need to be in a position where they don't have to travel too much distance to get their lips to your lips.'

I imagine myself spending a whole night standing right in front of Charlie with our noses pressed together.

‘So, like, when you're sitting next to a guy you have to snuggle up to his arm so he knows that you want him to put his arm around you,' Jenny says. ‘Then you sit there for a bit and usually he will just grab you and snog you. But if he doesn't then you can sort of look at him for a second and lean in and see if he tries it.'

‘Um, OK,' I say. ‘But, what if he doesn't?'

Tanya asks me, ‘How did it happen with that guy you snogged?'

This was a lie I told to the BB girls. I told them I kissed someone called Chris Waddle when I was on holiday with a long-lost cousin of mine from Newcastle. But, like Elizabeth, I've never snogged anyone. I can't bear to tell them the truth so I lie even more. ‘That's the problem, I don't remember. One minute he was standing next to me and the next . . .'

‘That's what it's always like!' says Elizabeth.

Kimba gives her this look like,
How would you know?

I continue. ‘It was so long ago I think I've forgotten how to kiss.'

Jenny looks really sorry for me and gives me a big hug. ‘Oh, hun. It's real easy: firstly, you have to do it with your eyes closed. People who
kiss with their eyes closed are more passionate people. I always kiss with my eyes closed unless I'm checking to see if Paul is kissing with his eyes closed.'

I nod. Eyes closed. Easy.

Then Melissa cuts in. ‘His mouth has to be around your mouth because he's the man and the man's mouth has to be on the outside to show that he is dominant.'

Dominant is bad. OK.

Now Kimba's saying, ‘Make sure that you don't move your tongue round and round his tongue, because then people will call you a dishwasher.'

‘Don't just push your tongue in and out or else they'll say you're a pogo,' says Melissa.

‘If you waggle it from side to side you're a windscreen wiper,' says Tanya.

They all make a
yuck
face.

‘Windscreen wipers are, like, the worst!'

There's so much to remember!

‘You have to vary it up a little,' says Jenny. ‘A bit of normal kissing, like pecks on the lips. Then a staircase—'

‘What's a staircase?' I ask.

‘When it goes your top lip, his top lip, your
bottom lip, his bottom lip. So you are sort of sucking each other's lips.' When she makes the kissing face, Macaroni comes over and tries to lick her on the lips. Jenny just manages to push him away before she gets snog number nine.

‘OK,' I say. ‘That makes sense.' I'll have to skip the staircase.

‘But never do one technique for more than ten seconds at a time or else the kissing gets boring and the guy is just waiting for it to end,' Melissa says.

‘Did you hear about Lucy Bellings in the year above?' asks Kimba. ‘She made Robin Hall fall asleep when she was kissing him. She didn't even notice for about ten minutes until he started snoring in her mouth!'

They all laugh, and now I'm even more nervous.

After the meeting Jenny and I are walking home and she turns to me. ‘You never really snogged that guy on holiday last year, did you?'

I have to think about whether or not to confide in her. Then I remember that she is my best friend. ‘No, I didn't.'

She goes quiet. I feel bad. Like I've betrayed her.

‘Sorry, Jenny. I didn't mean to lie to you, but I'm just a bit embarrassed about it. You won't tell anyone, will you?'

She looks me straight in the eye. ‘I don't understand why you felt you had to lie, honey.' I think she is going to get angry but then she hugs me. ‘I won't tell anyone. I promise.'

‘Thanks, Jenny.'

‘What are best friends for?' she says. And I think that best friends are for exactly this.

Kevin's car is outside the house when I get home from school today. Nice one. I haven't seen Kev in a while.

He must not have his whippet ears in because neither Kev or Dad shouts hello to me when I close the front door.

Dad's saying, ‘I don't want to put you out, Kevin.'

Then Kevin says, ‘Dad, I swear, it's fine. I got a little extra this month.'

Is Dad borrowing money from Kevin?

‘You don't need it to take out this new girlfriend of yours?'

‘Really, Dad. I said it was fine last time.'

Dad's borrowed money from Kevin before?

‘Honestly,' Kevin says, ‘Gwynnie is more important.'

Dad's borrowing money from Kevin for me?
I burst into the kitchen and, sure enough, Dad is shoving some notes into his pocket quickly so that I don't see, but I do.

‘Hi, Gwyndoe. I didn't hear you come in.'

‘Hi, Dad. Hi, Kev. What are you doing here?'

Kev rolls his eyes. ‘Charming, isn't she? I've come to see my geeky Dad and my spotty sister. Is that all right with you?'

I run and check my face on the microwave. No sign of a spot. Then I remember that Kevin's always called me his spotty sister.

‘I am not geeky!' Dad says, pretending to be offended. ‘I bought the latest Katy Perry CD, I'll have you know.' Dad thinks he's so down with the kids because he's heard of Katy Perry.

Kev says, ‘But you have to admit that my sister is spotty.'

‘Oh yeah,' Dad replies. ‘I can't argue with that!'

Those two are about as funny as an episode of
Songs of Praise
.

‘How's Paul, Gwynnie?' asks Kevin. Kevin hearts Paul. I sometimes think that he wishes Paul was his brother rather than having me as his sister. ‘Is he still going out with Stephanie Gregson's little sister?'

‘Yeah, it's their eight-weekiversary today.'

They both laugh as if young love is the most hilarious thing since their hilarious double act from a moment ago. Kevin says, ‘Oooooh, did he get her something nice? If fifty years is gold, what's eight weeks? Dust? Hot air?'

‘I don't know. Maybe I could ask him if I had a mobile phone.'

Dad and Kevin look at each other and smile.

‘Did you want a mobile phone, Gwynnie?' says Dad. ‘You should have said something.'

‘Senility is clearly setting in early.'

‘So you don't want this phone I got you?' he smirks.

What?!
‘Did you get me a mobile?'

He nods. Kevin nods too. Dad pulls out a box from where it's been sitting on a chair pushed in under the kitchen table.

‘Dad, you're the best dad ever!'

He hands it to me and I take it out of the box and look at it. It's a pretty cheap model but it's the latest cheap model, and it's the same one that Melissa has, but in black, which is really cool. I put in the SIM card and battery, and plug it in to charge.

‘Don't you need to read the instructions first?'

‘No one reads instructions, Dad,' I say, getting out my book with all my friends' numbers and tapping away at my phone.

‘Yeah, Dad,' says Kevin. He's taking the mick, but I don't care.

I text Jenny:

hey Jenny, its gwynnie. i hv finally got a mobile! its a rubbish model but at least i'll b able 2 txt u now
tb x x

Jenny texts back:

cool. i can bore u with my problems 24/7. lucky u
x x

I text:

when do u think i should txt cn? tb x x

Jenny takes about ten minutes to tb, as if she's really thinking about it:

I wd wait til he asks 4 ur number dont txt him b4 he asks 4 it

I text:

wot? not even 2 tell him i hv a phone?

Jenny texts:

NOT EVER!!!!!

I know Jenny is right about everything to do with boys, but the whole point of me getting a phone is so I can text Charlie Notts. I have to do it. I put it as if I've texted it to everyone.

I text:

hi everyone. this is my number if u wnt 2 txt me. make sure u do. gwynnie x x

I then text Jenny to let her know what I've done:

Sorry but i had 2 do it. i just sent cn a txt. it said hi everyone. this is my number if u wnt 2 txt me. make sure u do. gwynnie x x do u think i sound like a muppet? tb

Jenny tbs:

ur an idiot! make sure u do sounds soooo desperate. have u already sent it?

Oh God! I
have
already sent it! It does sound desperate. It sounds more sad and desperate than when Sarah Louri told Asher Quinn that she loved him in a poem that she read out in English class. I am never going to live this down! Charlie Notts is never going to talk to me again. I am always going to listen to everything Jenny says from now on.

I text:

o god! ive sent it. am i more desperate than sarah louri?

Charlie tbs:

hey gwynnie, u finally have a phone. how cool. welcome 2 the 21st century. u will find emergency
exits here here and here. lol. just obeying your orders to tb. tb x x

Oh. My. God! Charlie Notts has just texted me! He didn't think I was sad or desperate.

I text:

cn just txt me! omg! he told me to tb. wot should I do?

Again, Jenny waits about ten minutes before she tbs. She's putting a lot of thought into this:

wow! if hes replying 2 desperate msgs like that then mayb hes desperate 2 and u and him and sarah louri can make a desperate people club. woteva u do dont txt him back

I wait twenty minutes with the phone in my hand and then I text Charlie again. I know Jenny said I shouldn't but I can't help it:

sorry 2 send u a txt with orders, im practising 2 b a sergeant major lol. but ill nvr do it again. u no im a complete nutbag x x

CN tbs:

ull nvr send me a txt again? ok. u will nvr hear from me either. i did no u were a nutbag. now i hve it in writing. don't tb
x x