Boys Will Be Boys - Their First Time (50 page)

I leaned back and sat on my heels, stunned.
My hands were still on his thighs, still holding the white briefs.
He was beginning to soften
,
making him even lovelier.
I wanted nothing but silence, at that point, but then words floated into my space.

“
Everything okay, boss?
”
I blinked and noticed he was looking down at me, frowning, confused.

I looked back at him with such intensity, he almost flinched then I asked,
“
Why do you want this?
”

“
Huh?
”

“
Why do you really want me to do this?
”

He gave an incredulous snort and said,
“
Why you think?
”

“
I don
’
t know
...
but I don
’
t want to do anything with you if the only reason you
’
re doing it is to
...
to get it over with.
Like you have to do it for me to paint you.
”

“
What?
”
He glared at me.
“
Shit, Joe, you want t
’
try makin
’
some sense?
”

“
Well, I
...
I don
’
t know if I can, Aaron,
”
I said.
“
It
’
s just
...
there
’
s something not right about doing this.
It
’
s like I
’
d be spitting in the eye of God after he
’
s shown me the world or
...
or something and I can
’
t
...
”

“
Aw, for Christ
’
s sake!
”
He hiked up his briefs and grabbed his shirt and yanked it on, almost tearing it.
“
You
’
re really somthin
’
, Joe!
A real prick tease!
You talk me into getting
’
all worked up then pull some psycho-crap before you even try to
...
to
...
shit, I thought you wanted to
...
you said you wanted to do it and
...
”

I rose to my feet, suddenly afraid he
’
d just leave
,
and I
’
d never see him, again.
But also unwilling to let my connection with him be dragged into something as common and simple as lust.

“
I did!
”
I said.
“
But I
...
I think the only reason you
’
re letting me is because you like to be touched.
And held.
And you need it so much you
’
ll put up with anything.
Almost anything.
”

“
W
hat
!?
”
Man, for a second I thought he was going to hit me, he got so red in the face.
“
You freaky fuckin
’
faggot, you think I
’
m that screwed up?!
”

“
No!
No.
It
’
s just
...
I think you
’
re lonely.
I think you want something
...
and you don
’
t know what it is
...
and I don
’
t, either
...
but maybe I can give it to you.
”

“
Man, you are a true freak,
”
he snarled.
“
This was one
big
mistake an
’
it
’
s best t
’
cut it
‘
fore it gets any crazier.
”

He yanked on his shorts then started pulling on his socks and shoes
,
and I didn
’
t even think to try and stop him.
I just sat on my stool, eyeing him like a cat as I said,
“
I
’
m sorry.
And you
’
re right, it does sound crazy.
But the fact is, your meaning to me is deeper than a
...
a one night stand or
...
or two nights or a thousand.
”

He rolled his eyes
.
I could tell, even though he wasn
’
t looking up and tied his shoelaces with the fury of a strangler.

“
Aaron, I mean it.
If I
...
I blow you, then you become nothing to me.
You
’
d just be one more guy I gave a head job to and
...
and I
’
d become exactly what I do not want to be
–
a queer artist who paints pretty boys just before he fucks
‘
em.
”

“
I told you, I
’
m not turnin
’
queer for you!
”

“
And I mean it when I say I don
’
t want you to!
You
’
re too important to me for that!
But I didn
’
t realize till now just how important!
Aaron
...
please try to understand
...
the other night
...
when I was touching your face
...
I connected to something deeper inside me than just lust or longing.
And I
...
I
...
I saw more to you than just the skin wrapped around your body.
I saw more than just the public face you offer the world.
And I saw that until that moment, I
’
d been trying to paint only what I saw
–
a dream
...
and not a person
…”
S
hit, that sounded so lame.
“… a
nd everything I
’
ve done up to now reflects that
...
that stupid, surface simplistic mentality.
”

He looked at me, slowly
–
warily
–
even more confused
,
and I can
’
t say I blame him; I was now confusing myself.

“
It
’
s because of you
...
through you that I found
...
I
’
ve been wasting my time on nothing, and I can
’
t do that.
Not anymore.
And I can
’
t let you become nothing to me.
”

He finished tying his shoes and rose, his wariness increasing.
“
You ain
’
t makin
’
one damn bit of sense.
”

“
Fine,
”
I said, moving towards him,
“
let me show you what I mean.
”

He backed away.
“
No, I
...
I better head on.
”

“
Aaron, please, just sit in the chair.
I won
’
t touch you.
I don
’
t need to, anymore.
”

He stopped before opening the door and eyed me as if I was from another planet.
At that particular moment, I couldn
’
t have proven to anyone that I wasn
’
t.
I backed to my easel and positioned the stool before it.

“
We don
’
t have to talk,
”
I said.
“
You can keep an eye on me the whole time.
And if I try anything, you have permission to smack me into next Sunday.
”

“
Man
...
you got me so fuckin
’
confused.
”

“
I know.
I know.
I
’
m trying to explain something that I can
’
t explain.
Not with words.
So please
...
let me show you.
It won
’
t take very long.
And you
...
you
’
ll get your portrait out of it.
Okay?
Then you can run clear to
Tulsa
, if you want.
”

He finally nodded and sat on the chair.
“
Let
’
s get it over with,
”
he muttered.
Not the best way of putting it, but I wasn
’
t worried about that, just then.

I scrambled to find the one clean sheet of illustration board I had and dropped it to the ugly carpet.
I frantically swiped both sides of it with a wet sponge to prep them then pulled out half a dozen empty Jif jars and half-filled them with water.
Then I realized it was dark, so I turned on my easel lamp, and I spun my desk lamp around to shine on him.
I had a floor lamp by my bed that I moved to his other side, to give him a bit of fill light.
Then I began mixing acrylic paints in their caps, using a different jar of water for each color, all like someone possessed.
By the time I was ready, the board was dry and open to my use.

I didn
’
t pay much attention to Aaron, during this, but I know he watched me flit around like a sketcher on a high.
And any time I got too close to him, I know he tensed up and readied his fist.
I didn
’
t care.
I was in some kind of art zone
,
and I
’
m still amazed at how easily I slipped into it.

The actual painting took a few hours, nothing more.
I wish I could describe what I did
,
but it
’
s so
,
it was so simple and straightforward, it would just seem boring and incomplete.
Whipping through the outline of his head and shoulders.
Putting down the first layer of paint and then the second.
Working in the filler and then the details and then the shading
,
it sounds academic when it was really instinctive and sudden and almost
,
well
,
ephemeral.
And even though I remember the chime of the school
’
s bells (nine o
’
clock; ten o
’
clock) and Aaron breaking to grab a Bock and bring me one, too (I drank half of it before forgetting about it, completely) and ordering in pizza (which I ate, though I can
’
t remember what kind it was) and taking a pee (winding up with burnt umber and portrait pink on my dick), I was not in this world as I wove and spun and conjured my new life.

Just past midnight
with paint streaked across my body and layers of colors on my fingers and my jeans a full and complete mess
,
I was done.
I don
’
t know how I knew it was ready
.
I just thought
i
f I add one more dot or line, it
’
ll be ruined.
So I signed it and stepped back, still in that netherworld of being here and beyond.
I didn
’
t have to say anything; Aaron knew it was ready.
He slowly stretched and carefully joined me
,
and I stumbled back to this world an instant before he cast his first glance at my work.