Authors: Juliana Stone
hand. “You’re not alone, Nathan. Not anymore.” She angled her
head, her hair still wet and sticking to her neck. “I’d like to meet Trevor now.”
She stared at me, her clothes wrinkled— my T- shirt two sizes
too big— and I thought that she was the most perfect creature
I’d ever seen.
“Trevor would have thought you were the coolest thing ever.”
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“I’m counting on it,” she said slowly and then opened
her door.
Less than five minutes later, we stood on the fifth floor, and
the fear that had been dodging me all day was back, and it was
back hard. I dropped Monroe’s hand and shoved my own deep
into the pockets of my jeans, avoiding the curious gazes from
the nurses behind the station.
“Can I help you?”
The tall one came around the desk, eyebrows arched as she
waited for us to answer.
“I…” Shit, my voice sounded worse than when I was twelve
and it started to change. I cleared my throat, my gaze moving
past the nurse to where Trevor’s room was.
“Nathan’s here to see his friend, Trevor Lewis,” Monroe said.
The nurse’s eyes narrowed, and she cocked her head, her eyes
never leaving me. A moment passed. And then another.
My heart sank, because I saw the recognition in her eyes. She
knew who I was. The screw- up who was responsible for Trevor
being here. There was no way she was going to let me walk past
the damn desk.
What the hell had I been thinking?
“He
needs
to see Trevor,” Monroe said forcefully. “You have to at least let him try.”
“Honey, I don’t need to do anything,” the nurse replied, her
hands now on her hips as if she’d made it her own personal
mission to keep us away.
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“Brenda…” I looked her in the eye. “Brenda Lewis, his mom,
told me to come by when I saw her today. She said that he
might…” I rolled my shoulders and tried to keep it cool. “She
said that he might not make it ’til morning.”
Shit. Hearing those words was tough; saying them was
even tougher.
Something softened in her eyes and she sighed, shaking her
head. “I’m sure she meant for you to come before nine. I’m
sorry, but it’s too late, and it’s against hospital policy.” She shook her head. “I’m going to have to ask the both of you to leave.”
And that was it. Over before it could start.
“Are you kidding?” Monroe pushed past me, and for a second,
I thought she might actually hurt the nurse. “Can’t you see what
this means to him? Trevor is his best friend. He
has
to see him.
You have to let him.”
The nurse shrugged. “I understand what you’re saying, but
we have rules and we have them for a reason, and if you don’t
leave quietly, I’ll have to call security.”
“Monroe, it’s no use. Let’s just go.” I grabbed her elbow and
would have turned except I heard a voice call my name, softly,
but there was no mistaking the gruff undertone.
“Nathan.”
I looked past the nurse and spied Mike Lewis standing just
outside Trevor’s room, and if it was possible for everything
inside me to freeze, it did. My lungs. My heart. My brain.
Everything stopped, like time was winding backward. I felt like
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I was standing in ice, as if the blood rushing through my veins
was frozen and slow.
The nurse was still chattering in my ear, though she’d moved
a bit and I had nothing blocking my view. I had no idea what
she was saying, because there was nothing but Mike in my
vision. In my head.
Nothing but a slow blow to my heart.
Trev’s dad looked as if he’d aged ten years since I had seen
him. His skin was gray and his eyes, shit, his eyes were sunken,
glassy, and so full of pain, I felt it like a physical blow.
As if he’d balled up those massive fists at his side and smashed
them into my face.
For the longest time, he stared at me, those sad, angry, and
haunted eyes pinning me hard. I wasn’t sure what he was going
to do. Was he going to finally kick my ass? Would that somehow
make him feel better?
Because I gotta tell you that if it would, I’d gladly let him beat me. I’d let him lay his hands on me and get whatever relief he
could. Anything to make his pain go away.
He pushed off from the wall and walked toward us, his gait
slow. He was a big man, intimidating to most with his shaved
head, tattoos, and massive shoulders. Yet when I looked at him,
I saw the guy who took Trevor and me fishing every Friday after
school when we were ten. The guy who helped us build go- karts
and who rushed me to the emergency room when I broke my
arm after an epic crash.
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I saw the guy who let us play our loud ass music ’til all hours
of the evening and who would watch us, bobbing his head even
though I knew he’d rather listen to Big & Rich.
I saw the guy whose heart I had shattered.
He stopped a few inches away, his sleeveless wife- beater
stained down the front of his chest— coffee maybe— and it
was wrinkled, like he’d slept in it or grabbed it off the floor to come here.
He rolled his shoulders, his eyes never leaving me, but there
was no danger in his voice when he spoke. He just sounded
really tired.
“You look like shit, Everets.”
I nodded. “I guess I do.”
Mike ran his hand along at least a week’s worth of stubble on
his chin and his eyes slid to Monroe. “You again.”
Wait. What? When the hell had they met?
I looked at Monroe, but she faced Mike Lewis, legs spread,
arms at the ready as if… Hell, she looked like she was willing
to fight him if she had to. And if it was possible for my heart to squeeze even tighter, it did.
That’s what this girl did to me.
“Me again,” she said softly.
“Mr. Lewis, I was just telling them it was too late for visiting
hours.” The nurse shifted on her feet, suddenly unsure.
Yeah, it was a long night, I got that, but I didn’t care that she was tired of my shit. I didn’t care about anything other than Trevor.
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“I thought about what you said,” Mike said gruffly, his gaze
still on Monroe. “You were right.”
I watched the two of them, not really understanding what
was going on and wondering when the hell Monroe had hooked
up with Trevor’s dad.
“Thank you,” Monroe said quietly.
“For what?” Mike answered.
“For being strong enough. For letting him in,” Monroe
replied.
Mike nodded abruptly and asked, “Can I have a moment
with Nathan?”
“Actually, I’ve got to go,” Monroe said softly.
My gaze swung from Trevor’s dad back to Monroe. “What? No.”
Shit. I couldn’t do this without her.
I reached for her but she ducked away, shaking her head,
her soft eyes wide, their paleness shimmering beneath the harsh
lights overhead.
“This isn’t the place for me. Not right now.” She hunched her
shoulders. “Go. See your friend. Be with Trevor.”
But I was shaking my head, suddenly so terrified my legs
nearly buckled.
“You need to do this, Nathan, and when it’s done, whatever
happens, I’ll be here for you.”
I reached for her and she came, sliding her arms around my
waist so that I could hold her for as long as she would let me.
It was enough. Touching her was enough.
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In that moment, I felt like I could do anything.
I brushed my lips against her forehead and leaned close to her
ear. “I love you.”
Her hands clasped mine. “Ditto.”
And then she was gone.
“She’s special, that one,” Mike said softly.
I nodded and turned, making no effort to hide the pain and
remorse and anything else that was inside me.
“Mr. Lewis,” I said, but he interrupted me.
“It’s Mike. It’s always been Mike.”
A lump the size of a golf ball appeared from nowhere, and I
had to clear my throat several times before I could speak again.
I felt tears pricking the corners of my mouth, and it took every-
thing inside me to keep them away. In the end, it didn’t matter,
and I scrubbed at my eyes and exhaled loudly.
I couldn’t remember a time when my body wasn’t tight.
Couldn’t remember a time when there wasn’t pain. Sure, I knew
it was back there— back before that night— but as I stood in
front of Trevor’s dad, I thought that I would never remember
what it was like before then, no matter how hard I tried.
“How is he?” I asked carefully, forcing the words out one at
a time.
I held my breath, afraid I’d been too late and that my worst
nightmare was about to become a reality.
Mike clasped me on the shoulders but I still couldn’t look
up at him. I was too afraid. Too much of a coward. I felt
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his forgiveness. Felt it wrap around me like a spider’s web,
and yet…
I still couldn’t shake the feeling that I didn’t deserve it and I wasn’t strong enough to face this reality if Trevor wasn’t going
to be in it.
So I stared at my muddied boots and prayed like I’ve never
prayed before.
“He’s still with us.”
The air whooshed out of me so quickly that if Mike’s hands
hadn’t have been on me, I would have fallen on my ass.
“I brought his guitar, you know. Thought maybe music
would help him fight this infection. Maybe music would bring
him back, but…” He sucked in a breath and paused.
Slowly I looked up. “But?”
A sad smile touched his mouth. “I suck, remember? I only
know a couple of chords, and G and C don’t really cut it.”
His smile widened and then he laughed. He laughed so hard
that his body shook and his fingers dug into my shoulders pain-
fully. I wasn’t sure if he was going crazy or if he was just so tired he didn’t know what he was doing.
He stopped abruptly and squared his shoulders. “I’m sorry,
for the way I was after the accident. It was wrong to put all the blame on you and I…I have no excuse other than I was in a
goddamn black hole and I needed someone to hit. It was you.”
He cleared his throat. “There was only you.”
“It’s okay,” I said quietly.
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And it was.
“Would you play for him? I mean, I think it might help.
Maybe spark something inside him.”
I couldn’t answer. There was no way I was getting any words
out. But I nodded. I nodded like a goddamn bobble head and
followed Mike Lewis back down the hall.
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I was dreaming about Malcolm. It was summer. Hot and humid
with air so thick you could practically see it.
It was the kind of day when the pavement burned right
through your sandals. The kind of day you’d spend hours
running through the sprinklers at the water park. It was the
kind of day when everything is slow and lethargic.
It was the kind of day when bad things happened.
I’d had this dream before, and it always ended the same. I lost
Malcolm, there in the shadows, the deep ones that the sun didn’t
seem able to find.
I lost him, and usually I heard him crying for me. For Mom.
For Dad.
The sound drove me insane, but this time…this time there
was no crying. For a while, there was nothing— I knew he was
gone but there was just nothing.
Then I heard his laughter riding the air like bubbles falling
over a waterfall. They were light, dancing in the air. Clear, round sparkles that filled my chest until I couldn’t breathe.
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“Malcolm,” I whispered, afraid that the sound would go
away. God, I didn’t ever want it to go away.
But it did.
His giggles faded until I couldn’t hear them anymore, and no
matter how much I tried to find them…to find that slice of time
where he existed, I lost him.
I lost him in the sunlight and the water and the endless heat.
• • •
remembering how he sounded. How he smelled. How he felt.
My skin was drenched in sweat, and I was still in the clothes
I’d worn the day before. My hair looked like it hadn’t been
combed for days, and I groaned. Ugh. I needed a shower.
Sunlight poured into my room, and the clock on the dresser
across from me told me that it was nearly noon. I grabbed my
cell but there were no messages from Nathan. I guess that was a
good thing. In this case, no news was good news.
The hot water felt like heaven, but the restlessness in me
had me showering as if I was running a race, and less than