Braden (19 page)

Braden’s heart was hurting like hell, but he gave Rees a
calm nod. “She won’t choose me. I get that.”

“So you think watching her from the sidelines is a good
thing? It will kill you, Braden. The best thing to do is make a clean break,
start again somewhere else. Somewhere we’ll have choices.”

“Yeah, right, Rees. If it were me standing here telling you
to leave Talan behind, to make a clean break and start somewhere else, you’d
have your fist in my face so fast it wouldn’t be funny.”

Rees opened his mouth to argue but Talan broke in.

“You know he’s right, Rees,” she said. “And I wouldn’t be
able to leave you behind either.”

Rees gave Braden another hard look, but the one he briefly
turned to Talan softened to something tender. “Yeah, well, I get how you feel,
I really do. But why stay and torture yourself?”

Braden answered with conviction. “Because, even if I can’t
have everything I want with Elisa, I can still be her friend.”

The room quieted. Justin watched him in understanding, but
Calder shook his head. “Ky will kill you,” he said.

“Ky will have to deal,” Braden answered. “I’m sorry, but I
can’t go. Not right now.”

“Hell, I thought you’d be the first one on the ship,” Calder
rumbled. “Leading the pack. You hate Bor Narga.”

Braden shrugged. “Shit changes.”

Rees rubbed his hand through his hair. “All right, all
right. You know how to fuck things up, Braden. Let me think about this. Go the
hell away now, and do…whatever you think you need to do.”

Talan showed them to the door. She had a smile on her face,
and Braden realized that out of all of them, she would best understand what
Braden was feeling.

Braden kissed her cheek as Calder and Justin made their way
out. “Thanks, Talan, sweetie. Don’t let him explode or anything.”

“Oh, I think I can take the edge off.” Talan’s eyes held the
light of a woman in love.

“I just bet you can.”

Talan hugged him back and Braden went.

“You’re crazy, you know that?” Calder said to him as they
emerged on the street. “I should have had Katarina shoot you full of obedience
drugs.”

“Don’t think that hasn’t been tried before. Didn’t work.”

“And what’s
your
deal?” Calder asked Justin. “You’re
doubly crazy. You came back here on purpose.”

Justin gave him a good-natured grin. “None of your damn
business.”

“Shit, you two living together has made you both insane.”

“You know that if you had to leave Katarina behind, you’d
never go in a million years,” Braden said. “No matter how many obedience drugs
were in your system.”

“I know that. I’d put Katarina over my shoulder, plant my
hand on her backside and carry her off with me.” Calder drew his robes over the
black tunic and leggings he always wore, adjusted face cloths against the sun
and drew on his sun goggles. He no longer had to hide his face from the world,
but he said he liked the habit—it made people get out of his way.

True. Seeing seven feet of menacing male, eyes hidden with
sun goggles, bearing down on them, did make lesser beings scramble for cover.

Without another word, Calder turned his back on Braden and
Justin and strode off.

“Good thing Katarina loves him,” Braden said as they watched
Calder go, his boots kicking up little clouds of dust. “It’s why he stays
alive.”

“But he makes a good point.” Justin wound his own
sun-blocking robes around him. “Just carry her off over your shoulder. Women
like that.”

Justin was one to talk. He took off after Calder but Braden split
from them to walk home alone. Wouldn’t want the patrollers getting their
panties in a twist seeing three Shareem together.

Braden let himself enjoy the pleasant fantasy of lifting
Elisa over his shoulder and running on to a cargo ship with her, but he let it
go.

He took care of his lady. If his lady wanted to wear a
celibate’s robes and stare at rocks all day, that was her choice, her life.
He’d love her no matter what.

A patroller hovered around the next corner, waiting to catch
him breaking the new rules. Braden gave her a grin and a wave and walked on
past.

Chapter Sixteen

Elisa knelt before Lady t’Lenka in the pavilion, the red
silk cushion comforting in its color and softness. Lady t’Lenka had served her
a formal mint tea, which was refreshing even drunk hot under the merciless sun.

They were not allowed to discuss business until the ceremony
finished. This was, in theory, to give each of them time to organize their
thoughts, relax and calm, rather than rush headlong into discussion.

Elisa had to admit that the tea and silence were soothing,
but her thoughts were agitated.

She loved Braden. She loved every part of him, from his
infectious smile to the little growl he made just before he came. He was a
level-three Shareem, a forbidden man, and Elisa felt fulfilled with him in a
way that meditation and the order had never made her feel.

Lady t’Lenka set aside her teacup. “You have enjoyed
yourself these last few days, I trust?”

“Yes, m’lady.”

Lady t’Lenka laughed, a sound that mixed with the wind chimes
around them. “You may be more plain than that. I can tell from the way you sit
and walk and speak that you have found joy in this experiment.”

Elisa thought of the way she’d worn the butt plug to work,
the toy warming her and evoking thoughts of Braden in the hours she’d had it
in. She also remembered how excitement had lit his eyes when she’d confessed
that she’d worn it.

“I have found more peace than I ever thought I would.” Elisa
closed her eyes. “And also more agitation and worry that I’ve ever known. For
him, not for me.”

“You mean, you’ve fallen in love with him.”

Elisa popped her eyes open and Lady t’Lenka smiled.

“My dear, love is a perfectly natural emotion. Caring for
someone else more than yourself is a wonderful thing. You wish to ensure that
the world is right for them, that they want for nothing, that they are never
hurt.”

Yes, exactly. Elisa did want that for Braden—to have him be
able to throw off his chains, to have the same rights as any human on Bor
Narga, to come and go from the planet as he pleased. She wanted him to fly far
away, to be free and happy, even if that meant he’d have no more part in her
life.

“Is this what love feels like?” she asked. “It’s pleasure
and pain all mixed up. I don’t know if I want that. I don’t know if I can take
it.”

“What would you prefer? To rejoin the Way, to sit in this
garden and think of nothing but patterns of the sand and the sound of wind
chimes?”

The picture Lady t’Lenka painted sounded soothing. Simple.

Love should be easy, Elisa thought.
I fell in love with
him without meaning to. He never meant me to—I’m just another Shareem groupie
to him.

She remembered the dark look in his eyes when he’d said,
“You have to go.
Now
.”

Braden pretended not to have emotions, but he had them. But
even if he had feelings for Elisa, she understood that he didn’t want to pursue
them. He’d seen pitfalls of such a love.

He’d watched his friends struggle through their lives and
watched their ladies struggle along with them. It wasn’t an easy life. Look at
the sudden restrictions slapped on the Shareem because Braden and his friend
Justin had dared walk in the Vistara.

Ridiculous
. Braden ought to be able to get off
whatever train he bloody well pleased and shop in any market he bloody well
wanted to. He was more openhearted and generous than any tight-fisted miser who
lived on the Vistara or in the Serestine Quarter. Damn them.

Lady t’Lenka laid her hand over the fist Elisa had clenched.
“You see? Wind chimes and sand are not going to fulfill you, child. Your path
may not be with the Way, but I don’t view that as a bad thing.”

Elisa looked up, anguished. “The last thing I want to do is
disappoint
you
. I’ve tried to embrace the Way, and I do love it. And
you.”

Her heart went into the words. Lady t’Lenka had given her
nothing but kindness.

“Elisa, you would disappoint me only if you followed the
path against your heart. If you love this Shareem, he should know. He deserves
to know. What you do about it after that is up to the two of you. Not to me,
not the order, not the Ministry of Non-Human Life Forms. To you and him.”

“I’m not sure he would agree.”

Lady t’Lenka’s serene face took on a wise look. “I have some
experience with males, my dear, and what they say they feel and what they do
feel are usually two different things. You need to face him with the truth. I
warn you that the matter might not turn out as you wish, but I can’t allow you
to rush back into the order and never know what might have been.”

Lady t’Lenka finished and they both sat in silence.

The breeze moved the trees and the wind chimes, the sounds
sweet and soothing, but Elisa knew the breeze was false. Machines hidden above
them generated it, and this technology also generated the force field that kept
the harsh Bor Nargan heat and frequent sandstorms at bay.

If the shield were deactivated, the strong winds would strip
the trees bare, and the dry air would shrivel them and the intricate flowerbeds
to nothing. The fountains would clog with sand, the wind chimes would tangle
and break. There would be no kneeling on silken cushions in the pavilion,
quietly sipping mint tea.

As beautiful as it was, everything that made this garden
possible was a lie.

If Elisa turned her back on the desire that Braden had
introduced her to, her life would also be a lie. She could hide under the
shield of celibacy and search desperately in the false breezes of this garden
for happiness, but she’d never find it.

If Braden didn’t want her in his life, so be it. She could
devote herself to what she held dear—knowledge and helping others find that
knowledge.

Elisa could help Brianne d’Aroth and Talan d’Urvey in their
efforts to make life better for Shareem. She could do at least that to repay
Braden for what he’d given her.

Elisa gazed across the meditation garden with a pang in her
heart. The gardens were beautiful even if they never had been real.

“If I leave the Way,” she asked, “must it be forever?”

“Anyone can join the Way of the Sky anytime they like,” Lady
t’Lenka said. “Life is long, changes occur. You will always be welcome here,
Elisa. But you must return for the right reasons.”

She meant that Elisa couldn’t use the Way of the Sky for
escape. Lady t’Lenka knew exactly why Elisa had sought the Way in the first
place, and Lady t’Lenka had allowed Elisa that choice.

But never again. If Elisa came back, she’d truly have to
believe and embrace celibacy for what it was meant for—the cleansing of the
mind and soul, the rejecting of bodily sensations.

Elisa thought of the full and satisfied feeling of Braden
inside her at the same time he’d made her wear the plug. She’d been surrounded
by him and filled with him. Love had made the erotic sensations even
better—heart and body entwined.

Elisa unfolded to her feet and bowed to Lady t’Lenka. “Thank
you, m’lady. I will begin the process of leaving the order.”

Lady t’Lenka also rose, went to Elisa and embraced her.
“Nonsense. You run along, and I’ll make all the arrangements for you. This does
not have to be a painful and public process, my dear. Go home, work in your
library, enjoy your life, and for the gods’ sakes, talk to your Shareem.”

“I will.” Elisa hugged her mentor with true affection and
kissed her cheek. “Thank you. For everything.”

The transport back to the city left from an underground
station, well hidden from the houses and gardens of the order. The trail shot
out of its tunnel a few miles away, heading across the desert to the city,
which spread over its hills under a blue-white sky.

The train let her off in the heart of the Serestine Quarter,
on a platform that let her view the sprawling city below. The noise, the heat,
the crowds, the
realness
of the metropolis crashed into her, and Elisa
opened her arms and embraced it.

* * * * *

Braden tried to ignore Elisa’s summons to her house on the
hill. Each time she called, Braden didn’t answer, but Elisa left messages.

The messages were heartbreaking. The first began with Elisa
excited, her brown eyes dancing as she stared into the screen.

“Braden, I need to see you. I must speak with you about
something, privately. It’s quite important. Please come to my house tonight.”

The next morning she called again. “I waited for you all
night. Are you all right? I truly need to speak with you. It is most urgent.”

That afternoon. “Braden, please. I would not continue to
plague you were it not important.”

Gods, the sweetheart talked like an old-fashioned novel. Who
the hell said
plague you
or
were it not important
?

Not that Elisa
plagued
him or even annoyed him. He
loved everything she did.

That night she left another message. This time her face was
calm, her eyes showing resignation.

“Braden, I apologize for calling so often. Hear me out
before you delete this message. Please.” She drew a breath.

“This will be my last call. I wish to thank you for what you
have done for me. You helped me learn about myself, and what I could be. You
taught me to live inside my body instead of pretending that most of it doesn’t
exist. I will always be grateful for that.

“I have decided to leave the Way of the Sky. In fact, the
formal separation came through today. I entered the order for the wrong
reason—to escape from what life had dealt me. I’m not sorry that I chose the
Way, because I learned much from it, but neither am I sorry to leave it. I will
continue to work at the library, because that is where my heart lies, in books
and the wonderful things inside them.