Brain Droppings (15 page)

Rule number two: You can’t hire someone to do the killing for you. You have to do it yourself. And if you’re squeamish, take my word for it, you’ll get over that. There’s nothing to it. I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell

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you, there’s nothin’ like it. It’s a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you’re thinking. “Aw, he’s a comedian. He’s just sayin’ that stuff.” Good. That’s exactly what I want you to think.

Rule number three: You can never kill your own offspring. It’s just off-limits. OK? No killing your own children. Of course, if they really deserve it; if they’re really bad news, they’ll probably piss someone else off, and that person will take care of the job for you.
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And all you civic-minded dipshits, I want you to know there’s nothing in the constitution to prevent any of this. The state doesn’t actually oppose murder, it simply objects to those who go into business for themselves. When it comes to the taking of human life, the federal government doesn’t want free-lance competition.
t

Life is cheap, never forget it. Corporations make marketing decisions by weighing the cost of being sued for your death against the cost of making the product safer. Your life is a factor in cost-effectiveness. So when you talk about murder, don’t confine your discussion to individuals.

Besides, there’s nothing wrong with murder in the first place. Murder is a part of life. My society taught me that. And my species is really good at it. I belong to the only species in the history of the world that systematically tortures and mur-^ ders its own members for pleasure, profit, and convenience.

See how easily we figured all that out? How easy that was? People think life is real complicated. Actually, there’s nothing to it. Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.

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GEORGE

C A R L i N

b r a

d r o p p i n g s

Fun TOES
Since I hold no real national allegiances, when it comes to
anned
conflict around the world I tend to root for the side that will
prWide
int.
me with the most entertainment. Saddam Hussein is a case in i ,
crush guy.
Any head of state who says, “We will walk on your corpses and your skulls, and you will swim in your own blood,” is my kinds You just don’t hear that kind of shit anymore. This man obviousL. */ great potential to provide me with amusing diversion.

In fact, all these Middle-East religious fanatics are brimming entertainment potential. On CNN I recently saw video of 200 Isi student-suicide bombers who were graduating from suicide-b()m^er school. They were singing what was apparently the school fight song. “Our blessings to you who fight at the gates of the enemy and J on heaven’s door with his skulls in your hands.” How can and Jews ever hope to compete with these folks who obviously enjOy their work so much?
lET’S All Kill EACH OTHER ACCDRDinG TO THE RUIFS

I don’t understand the Geneva Convention and the whole i^ea of having rules for fighting a war. Why? Is it really more than just a ^ay of reassuring ourselves we’re all quite civilized, as we pour our heai^s and minds and fortunes into mass killing? It seems to me like hypo)Crjtical bullshit. If the object is to win, wars should be fought with no, nOids barred; otherwise, why bother suiting up? As it is now, a wiinner is declared, and yet the issue has not been settled by all possible mejanS-

Additionally, if the object is to kill the enemy, why treat their wounded? Treating their wounded requires resources taken from your own effort to achieve victory. Does this make sense if you’re trying to win? Oh, yeah. Civilized.

My doubts about having rules for combat likewise extend to street fighting. I’ve heard guys whine about someone throwing a “sucker punch.” Are they kidding? A guy wants to reduce your ass to a small bloody pile, and you’re going to warn him before hitting him? Get fucking lucid! And lose all that dopey shit about fair play. It’s out of place if the object is to win. (Is it?)

Also, as far as kicking someone when he’s down is concerned, what is the problem here? Again, the object is to win, yes? Well, if he gets up, you might lose; therefore he must not get up. He needs to be kicked. You said you wanted to win. Or are you people just fucking around? I suspect that might be the case. Well, stop fucking around and make up your mind. You’re telling me a man will fuck another man’s wife, drive him out of business, cut him off and nearly kill him in traffic, but he shouldn’t sneak punch, or kick him when he’s down? I don’t get it.

Another thing I don’t understand is the objection to so-called dirty play in sports such as football. These are big, tough guys who are desperate to prove how manly they are; that they’re not soft. That’s why they play these games in the first place. Well, why not let them play “dirty” and let’s find out how tough they really are?
It’s been shown that small, dedicated groups of men can easily imd ways of policing and disciplining those among them who cross the line. It’s called vigilantism, and it’s very efficient. Please don’t tell a bunch of six-foot-six, three hundred-pounders in helmets and pads can’t spear and punch and put their thumbs in each other’s eyes.

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C A R L I N
GEORGE
You’ll miss all the fun. And you’ll be keeping them from pursuing their calling at its highest level.

I also don’t understand terrorists who call the police to warn them about a bomb. Do I need even explain my disihay at this one?

You know, folks, if this old world had cmy imagination, wars would be fought without codes and conventions, alley fighting would be standard, and the only rules in sports woulii govern the uniforms Then we’d have some real fun.

But I fear that doesn’t suit you, and so I return to the notion that produced these thoughts in the first place: Yc>u people shouldn’t be fighting at all.
unKnown SOLDIER

I recently visited an interesting site in Washington, D.C. You’ve heard of the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier? This is the Tomb of the WeZ/-Known Soldier. No one knows about it. Is;n’t that odd? Everyone knows about the Unknown Soldier, but no one knows about the Well-Known Soldier. Makes you think, doesn’t it? Maybe not.

They’re also planning the Tomb of the W&H-Known-but-Widely-Disliked Soldier. And then they’re gonna build the Tomb of the Well-Liked-but-Poorly-Understood Soldier.

One other interesting fact before we leave this subject. I assume you know that Britain, France, and Canada all have Uinknown Soldiers of their own. Well, oddly enough, all three of those soldiers knew each other. Kinda makes the hair on the back of your nec;k stand up, doesn’t it? Maybe not.

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ir oniY WE WERE HUHAH

This species is a dear, hateful, sweet, barbaric, tender, vile, intelligent, confused, virtuous, evil, thoughtful, perverted, generous, greedy species. In short, great entertainment.

As I said before, humans are the only species that systematically tortures and murders its own for pleasure and personal gain. In fact, we are the only species that systematically tortures and murders its own, period.

We are serial killers. All our poems and symphonies and oils on canvas will never change that. Man’s noble aspect is the aberration.

Those who argue that art and philosophy are proof of human worth neglect to mention that, in the scheme we have devised, artists and philosophers are completely powerless and largely without prestige. Art, music, and philosophy are merely poignant examples of what we might have been had not the priests and traders gotten hold of us.

Most animals, when fighting one of their own, will show aggressive behavior, but very little hostility or intention to harm. And when the outcome of the struggle is inevitable, the losing animal will signal its defeat by exposing its most vulnerable part to the victor, affording it the opportunity to finish the kill. The victor then walks away without inflicting further harm. These are the creatures we feel superior to.

The rate of U.S. Marine suicides has been rising in recent years. The biggest jump came at a time when the Marine Corps was being reduced in size, and so, many of these men were barred from reen-listing. I guess they realized that the odds against death had suddenly improved, and they might actually have to face life. So they killed themselves. Strange, huh? I like that sort of thing. It’s entertaining.

GEORGE

C A R L I N

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fc.

I’m not disturbed by war. More like entertained. \tya may be a lot of things, but it’s never a bad show. It’s the original Greatest Show on Earth. Otherwise, why would thev call it a “theater of war”? I love it. And as far as I’m concerned, the show must go on.

But I realize there are some people who really worry about this kind of thing, and so, as a good citizen, I offer two ideas for peace. It’s the least I can do.

Many people work on war plans; not too many work on peace plans. They even have a war college at Ft. McNair, Washington. They call it the National Defense University, but it’s a war college. They don’t have a peace college.
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And they have war plans for every contingency, no matter how remote. If Easter Island gives us some crap tomorrow, we have a plan in a computer that tells us exactly how to thoroughly bomb the shit out of Easter Island. You name the country, we’ve got the plan. Chad, Myanmar, Upper Volta, Burkina Faso, Liechtenstein. Just give us some crap, and we’ll come A there, and bomb the shit out of you! ‘Cause we’ve got a plan.
Well, so do I. Two of them. George’s plans for peace:
My first plan is worldwide, year-round, nonstop folk dancing. In short, everyone in the world would be required to dance all the time. It leaves very little time for fighting, h and what combat does occur is inefficient, because the combatants are constantly in motion.

When it was suggested that this plan might be impractical, I offered an alternative wherein only half the people
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would be dancing at any given time. The problem with this was the distinct possibility that while half the people were dancing, the other half would be robbing their homes.

So now I’ve stripped it down to a symbolic plan: twenty-four-hour, nonstop, worldwide folk dancing, once a year. Each year, on a designated day, everyone in the world would stop what they were doing and dance for twenty-four-hours.

Any kind of dancing you want. Square dance, minuet, grind, peabody, Cakewalk, mazurka, samba, mashed potato. Doesn’t matter. Just get out there and dance. Even hospital patients, shut-ins, cripples, and people on life support; if you’re too sick to dance, you just die. While the doctors and nurses keep dancing. This would be a good way to weed out the weaker people. Dance or die! Natural selection with a beat.

One good result, of course, would be that during the actual dancing, no fighting could take place. But the plan would also tend to reduce violence during the remainder of the year, because for six months following the dance, everyone would be talking about how much fun they had had, and for the six months after that, they would all be busy planning what to wear to next year’s dance.

Another plan I have is World Peace Through Formal Introductions. The idea is that everyone in the world would be required to meet everyone else in the world, formally, at least once. You’d have to look the person in the eye, shake hands, repeat their name, and try to remember one outstanding physical characteristic. My theory is, if you knew everyone in the world personally, you’d be less inclined to fight

C A R L I N
GEORGE

them in a war: “Who? The Malaysians? Are you kidding? T 6 know those people!”
The biggest problem with compulsory, world-wide formal introductions would be logistics. How would it work? Would you line up everyone in the world single file and 4 have one person at a time move down the line meeting all the others? And then when they finish they get on the end K of the line, and the next person starts?

Or would you divide everyone into two long lines and have them move past each other laterally? That seems inefficient, because, for at least part of the time, each line would have a large number of people with nothing to do. And also, once you finished the first pass, everyone would 0 ? still have to meet the people in their own line.

Either way, it would take a very long time. In fact, children would be born during the introductions, and then you’d have to meet them, too.
.

And it’s probably important to remember that because

of their longer names, some nationalities would move
through the line more slowly than others. Russians, for
example. Russian names tend to be long. If you ever bought
an ID bracelet for a Russian person, you know what I mean.
The engraving alone can run over two hundred dollars.
\ I’m afraid the Russians would move through the line
very slowly: “Vladimir Denisovitch Zhirinovski, this is Yevgeny Vasily Arbatov. Yevgeny Vasily Arbatov, meet Vladimir Denisovitch Zhirinovski.” Major delay.

On the other hand, the Chinese tend to have short names. “Chin Lu, Wu Han. Wu Han, Chin Lu.” Bing! See ya

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later! Movin’ right along. Which is why there are so many Chinese: less time saying hello, more time to fuck. Peace on you. But only if you really deserve it.
COnC BACK AnD SEE U8. HEAR?

I suppose it would be nice if reincarnation were a reality, but 1 have problems with the math. At some point, originally, there must have been a time when there were only two human beings. They both died, and presumably their souls were reincarnated into two other bodies. But that still leaves us with only two souls. We now have nearly six billion people on the planet. Where are all the extra souls coming from? Is someone printing up souls? Wouldn’t that tend to lower their value?

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GEORGE CARLIN
SHORTTAKES Irort 2)
I only respect horoscopes that are specific: “Today, Neil Perleman, wearing tight-fitting wool knickers, will kill you on the crosstown bus.”
ometimes we dismiss something by substituting1 the letters “s-h-rn” for the initial consonant sound in the word and then repeating the word itself: “Taxes, shmaxes!” But suppose the thing you’re dismissing already starts with the “s-h-m” sound? For instance, how do you dismiss a person named Schmidt?
When a ghostwriter dies, how many people come back?
I’m in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn’t include malignant tumors.
Whenever I hear about a “peace-keeping force,” I wonder, If they’re so interested in peace, why do they use force?
The bigger they ore. thE ujorse they smell.
SATAN 15
[001
Once, at a school function, I received a dressing down for not dressing up-The keys to America: the cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun.
fly watch stopped. I think I’m down a quartz.