Brain Droppings (18 page)

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GEORGE

CARL

brain droppings

ife has changed. The stores around the corner from my house used to be a grocer, butcher, laundry, tailor, barber shop, shoe repair, dry cleaner, and a beauty salon. Now it’s a wig parlor, karate school, off-track betting, a software store, sushi, yogurt, video rentals, an adult bookstore, a T-shirt shop, a copying and printing center, a storefront law office, and a clothing store for fat women.
Sometimes, a city describes itself as a “Metroplex.” This is one of those bullshit word formations whereby a community tries to sound forward and progressive, in spite of all the evidence to the contrary.
After every horror, we’re told, “Now the healing can begin.” No. There is no healing, just a short pause before the next horror.
I think once people reach the age of forty they should be barred from using the words girlfriend or boyfriend in reference to someone they’re fucking. It’s creepy.
Attention, all camouflaged males: In the American Revolution, the militias broke and ran from battle. They ran home. Only the regular army stood fast.

RUES 10 UVE BT

Life is not as difficult as people think; all one needs is a good set of rules. Since it is probably too late for you, here are some guidelines to pass along to your children.
1. Relax and take it easy. Don’t get caught up in hollow conceits such as “doing something with your life.” Such twaddle is outmoded and a sure formula for disappointment.
u . Whatever it is you pursue, try to do it just well enough to remain in the middle third of the field. Keep your thoughts and ideas to yourself and don’t ask questions. Remember, the squeaky wheel is the first one to be replaced.
u . Size people up quickly, and develop rigid attitudes based on your first impression. If you try to delve deeper and get to “know” people, you’re asking for trouble.
4 . Don’t fall for that superstitious nonsense about treating people the way you would like to be treated. It is a transparently narcissistic approach, and may be the sign of a weak mind.
U. Spend as much time as you can pleasing and impressing others, even if it makes you unhappy. Pay special attention to shallow manipulators who can do you the most harm. Remember, in the overall scheme, you count for very little.
0. Surround yourself with inferiors and losers. Not only will you look good by comparison, but they will look up to you, and that will make you feel better.

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GEORGE
7. Don’t buy into the sentimental notion that everyone has short-1 comings; it’s the surest way of undermining yourself. Remember,! the really best people have no defects. If you’re not perfect, some-1 thing is wrong.
0. If by some off chance you do detect a few faults, first, accept! the fact that you are probably deeply flawed. Then make a list of your faults and dwell on them. Carry the list around and try to| think of things to add. Blame yourself for everything.
9. Beware of intuition and gut instincts, they are completely
unreliable. Instead, develop preconceived notions and don’1
waver unless someone tells you to. Then change your mind anc
adopt their point of view. But only if they seem to know whaij
they’re talking about.
10. Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and does-]
n’t work. Cling to it even when it is hopeless. Anyone can cut and
run, but it takes a very special person to stay with something
is stupid and harmful.
11. Always remember, today doesn’t count. Trying to make some-j
thing out of today only robs you of precious time that could
spent daydreaming or resting up.
12. Try to dwell on the past. Think of all the mistakes you’ve1
made, and how much better it would be if you hadn’t made them.
Think of what you should have done, and blame yourself for not
doing so. And don’t go easy. Be really hard on yourself.
13. If by chance you make a fresh mistake, especially a costly one, ^
try to repeat it a few times so you become familiar with it and caij
do it easily in the future. Write it down. Put it with your list of fault
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14. Beware also of the dangerous trap of looking ahead; it will only
get you in trouble. Instead, try to drift along from day to day in a
meandering fashion. Don’t get sidetracked with some foolish “plan.”
15. Finally, enjoy yourself all the time, and do whatever you
want. Don’t be seduced by that mindless chatter going around
about “responsibility.” That’s exactly the sort of thing that can
ruin your life.
you Know?

When you’re young, you don’t know, but you don’t know you don’t know, so you take some chances. In your twenties and thirties you don’t know, and you know you don’t know, and that tends to freeze you; less risk taking. In your forties you know, but you don’t know you know, so you may still be a little tentative. But then, as you pass fifty, if you’ve been paying attention, you know, and you know you know. Time for some fun.
HAVE AIITTLE TUH

Most people take life much too seriously and worry about all the wrong things: security, advancement, prosperity, all those things that give you heartburn. I think people would be better off if they relaxed and had a little more fun.

Think about it: We’re all here on a big rock, zippin’ around a bad star for no good reason. We don’t know where we came from, we don’t know where we’re going, we don’t know how long it’s gonna last, and we keep having to go to the bathroom. And on top of that, the whole thing is completely meaningless.

GEORGE C A R L I N

Do you ever stop to think about that? It’s all meaningless. All this detail. What’s it for? This table. What’s it doing here? What’s the pur-pose? Who cares? I think the whole thing is someone’s idea of a great big practical joke. So, relax that extra-tight American anal sphincter folks, and have a little fun. Here are some suggestions:

In a public restroom, stand on the toilet and stare over the top of the partition at the man in the next stall. Tell him your therapist told you it’s a good way of relaxing. Then lean out of the stall with your pants down, and ask someone if you can borrow a set of chopsticks and a nine-volt battery.

When you’re out on the country-club dance floor with your wife, guide her over toward the orchestra and say to the conductor, “Tonight is our anniversary. Do you guys know ‘Wong Has the Largest Tong in China’?”

Did you ever see these people who drive with their headlights on in the daytime, because they think it’s safer? You know what would be fun? To smash head-on into a guy like that, just to show him that his idea doesn’t work.
On the hotel “How-did-we-do?” form, write, “The maid offered to blow me for some candy,” and “The room service waiter thrust his hand down my pants and manipulated my schwanz.” Here’s some fun: At a taxi stand, give the first driver fifty dollars and tell him, “Go to the airport, and wait there for me.” Then go to the second driver, give him fifty dollars and tell him, “Follow that cab, and under no circumstances allow it to get to the airport!” Then get in the third cab and tell the guy to follow the other two. When you’re about halfway to the airport, take out a gun and start shooting at the first two cabs. Yell, “Hi-yo, Silver!” a lot.

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Go into a store and tell the clerk you don’t want to purchase anything. Then ask him if he’d be interested in buying sixty gallons of children’s urine.

Next time you’re on a plane, sit in the back row and place a boom box under your seat. Then, during takeoff, play high-pitched, metal-grinding noises on it, just loud enough to be heard over the engines. If possible, blend in the sound of a few small, muffled explosions. Keep saying, “Uh-oh!”

While seated at a nice dinner party, take a long look at the china service and say, “Hey, we had these same dishes in the army!”

Rush up to a hotel desk and mumble to the clerk, “Did the purple man with the dwarf in the cardboard box leave the Archbishop’s phone number?” He will say, “What?” Repeat the sentence a little more loudly, but keep it hard to understand. Once again, a little annoyed, he will say, “What?” Keep this up until he reaches the breaking point and a small gathering of foam has appeared at the corner of his mouth. Then, when his supervisor comes over to inquire, tell her innocently, “I don’t know what the problem is, ma’am. I simply asked this gentleman how late the restaurant is open, and he flew off the handle.”

At a retail store, make a lot of large purchases hurriedly, and then, when signing the credit card slip, appear nervous and openly try to copy the signature that appears on your credit card. Then when the approval comes through, express visible relief. “Really? All right!!” Snicker a little, and mutter a barely audible, “Idiots.”

GEORGE CARLIN

brain droppings

There are some people who still hitchhike, although not as mam as before. A lot of folks gave the practice up after being buried ir shallow graves near the side of the road. But here’s some fun you cat have in case you still like to get out and hoist a thumb. Of course, yoi have to get a ride first. Someone has to stop.

When the guy says, “Where you going?” lean way into the car anc bellow, “Turn this thing around, Zeke, I’m headin’ back the otheJ way!” Then make sure to step back quickly. No sense being draggec five hundred yards for the sake of a joke.

Or, when the guy stops, don’t say anything; just jump in and si down. When he says, “Where you going?” say, “I don’t give a shit Let’s just ride around. I’m off till Thursday.” Then make a lot of moto noises with your mouth.

Here’s another good one: “Thanks for stopping. I don’t actually need a ride today, but if you’d give me your phone number, I’d be glad to let you know when I do. It’ll save you the trouble of driving all around looking for me.” Once again, stepping back quickly might prevent a base case of gravel burn.

This one is my favorite. Guy stops, lowers the window and says, “Where you going?” You say, “Well . . . first we gotta go pick up my mother. Then we gotta go to the abortionist, the meth dealer, and the ammo shop. Then we gotta take her home. She lives in Indiana. By the way, do you know how to change a colostomy bag?”

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

If somehow you manage not to be canceled out by birth control pills, IUDs or condoms, and you are actually conceived; and then by some additional stroke of luck you are not aborted, miscarried, or given a birth defect by your mother’s use of tobacco, alcohol, speed, heroin, or crack; and you are lucky enough to be born as a relatively normal child, then all you have to worry about is being beaten or sexually abused for your first 16 years. After that, you have a chance, at least a chance, of being chronically unemployed or killed in a war.

I’m sixty years of age. That’s 16 Celsius. And I’ve never told you much about my childhood.

It seems I was unusual even before I was born. During pregnancy, my mother carried me very low. Indeed, for the last six weeks, my feet were sticking out. She was the only woman in the neighborhood who had maternity shoes. But she told me I was a big help when it came to climbing stairs.

I was a healthy baby, except for one ear that’s folded and a little bent. The doctor said it happened because, apparently, at the precise moment I was being conceived, my mother and father fell off the hood of the car.
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My parents chose what, at that time, was the very latest method of childbirth. You’ve heard of Lamaze? This was La Paz. The mother receives powerful narcotics, the father is sent to Bolivia, and the nurse does all the screaming.

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GEORGE C A R L I N

As soon as I was born, I noticed that babies have it pretty ft easy: Wake up, cry, piss, roll over, drool, suck, eat, gag, belch puke, giggle, crap, crawl, stand, fall, cry, scream, bleed, coo, sleep . . . and dream.
I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag,
- ^ whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it’s just a small
step to full-blown sociopath. I’m probably the only child who
i went directly from shenanigans to crimes against nature.
:i I was always a little different. Most kids had a dog named
Spot. You know what I called my dog? Stain. Different. Instead
of my thumb, I sucked my ring finger. And I had a strange ambi
tion: I just wanted to live longer than Jesus. My mother said it
was because I was sensitive, so she washed me in Woolite.
fa I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight
show. My cap gun had a silencer. My lemonade stand had dance hostesses. And one night at dinner, when I was about ten, I leaned over to my father and said, “Hey, man, when are we gonna load up on some of that breast milk again?” Still, I was practical. When one of my playmates died in an , % accident, I asked his mother if I could have his toys.
As a boy I was negatively affected by two things. First of
all, I grew up on the side of a very steep hill. I think that can
throw you off. Here’s another thing: When you look at a map
k lying on a table, north is usually the direction pointing away
v-.U from you. But my front door faced south, so you can see, as
soon as I left my house, everything was backward. Things like
that have an effect.

There’s one other thing I should mention: You know how when you’re real little your dad will throw you up in the air

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and catch you? Well, one day my dad threw me up in the air,
5 and I went so high I could see the curvature of the earth. I believe I even caught a glimpse of Sri Lanka. At the time, of course, it was still called Ceylon. Dad and I had no idea its name would change someday. Anyway, after he threw me up
^ in the air, he didn’t wait around. He walked away. They said after that I was never really the same. They would whisper,
i “The boy is no longer playin’ with a full bag of jacks!”

What happened was I became a loner; I just wanted to be by myself. I had an imaginary friend, but I didn’t bother with him. Fuck ‘im! Let him get his own friends. I got no time for people like that.
When you’re a loner, of course, you have to make up
fa your own games. Tag was difficult.