Brain Droppings (8 page)

brain droppings
I notice I don’t see as many buck-toothed uiomcn as I used to.
The thing I like the rnos* about this country is that, in a pinch, when things ally get tough, you can always go into a store and buy some mints.
I’ve watched so many documentaries about World War II, I’m sure I’ve seen the same people die hundreds of times.
I’ll bet there aren’t too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
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read that some guy was giving up the governor’s chair to run for a Senate seat. Why would he give up a chair to run for a seat? Why not be a judge and sit on the bench?
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How do primitive people know if they’re doing the dances correctly?

Tou can lead a gift horse to water in the middle of the stream, but you can’t look him in the mouth and make him drink.
eep Throat: Think about it. There is actually an important figure in American history who is named for a blow-job movie. How do grade-school teachers handle this?
Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it’s trying to save its body.
nothing is so boring as listening to someone else describe a dream.
hat is all this stuff about a kick being “partially blocked”? It’s either blocked, not blocked, or deflected. Partially blocked is like “somewhat dead.”
i
82

THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: “Please stop sucking my dick or I’ll call the police.”
r
egarding smoking in public: Suppose you were eating in a restaurant, and every two minutes the guy at the next table threw some anthrax germs in the air. Wouldn’t you want to sit in a different section?
Ihe savings-and-loan associations that will cost $500 billion to bail out are called “the thrifts.”
?he idea of a walk-in closet sounds frightening. If I’m ever sittin’ at home and a closet walks in, I’m gettin’ outta there.
‘he reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

5te™sonlpp«biitsteWttenic6tfaaUKr«W. Time sharing got a bod name, so noai they call it “interual ou.nersl.ip7
E 0 R G E
CARL IN
IMMR
)w can there possibly be a self-addressed envelope? They say now they /en have envelopes that are self-sealing. This I gotta see!
sign: Park and ride. It’s confusing. They really oughta make up their
saw a ninds.
ark and lock. Here we go again. If you park and lock, you’re stuck in the :ar. It should be park, get out, and lock.
“Ho comment” is a comment.
Why is it like this? Why isn’t everything different?
If you have chicken at lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if
the two chickens knew each other?

*.
and yet the
becomes women by changing the vowel at the end, while the pronunciation changes near the beginning. Was somebody drunk when these decisions were made?
Russia actually has something called uodka riots.

brain d r o p p i n g s
| think it would be fun to go on “jeopardy” and never buzz in. just stand here for half an hour, never talk, and then go home.
Di lomatic immunity is necessary, because of the many diseases diplomats are exposed to in foreign countries.
Why is San Francisco in the “bay area,” but Saudi Arabia is in the “gulf region”? Is a region really bigger than an area?
Ill
henever I hear about a spy ring, I always wonder if that’s the only jewelry they wear. You’d think a spy wouldn’t want to call attention to himself with a lot of flashy jewelry. For instance, you never hear about a spy necklace.
THIS IS JUST
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It’s better if an entire family gets Alzheimer’s disease. That way they can all sit around and wonder who they are.
Harness racing may be all right for some people, but 1 prefer watching the horses.
If you get cheated by the Belter Business Bureau, mho do you complain to?
As soon as a person tells you they have a surprise for you, they have lost the
element of surprise. <’ : ,.

Ill !i

GEORGE CARLIN

b r a

droppings

saw a picture of the inventor of the hydrogen bomb, Edwin Teller,wearing a tie clip. Why would the man who invented a bomb that destroys everything for fifty miles be concerned about whether or not his tie was straight?
Ho one calls you “Bub” onymorE.
Why is there such controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who’d be willing to test any drug they can come up with.
If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who
did they play?
I AH REPELLED BY WHOLESOHEnESS
III hen they say someone is making a “personal tour,” are they sug-III gesting that, on the other hand, it is somehow possible to make a ^?H tour without actually being there?
After how much time does a persistent cough become a chronic cough?
Intelligence tests are biased toiiiard the literate.
I he carousel and Ferris wheel owners traveled in different circles so they rarely made the rounds together.
Which is more immoral? Killing two 100-pound people or killing one 300-pound person?

uest host is a bad enough oxymoron, but NBC raised the stakes when, a few years back, they installed Jay Leno as the “permanent quest host.” Not to be outdone, Joan Rivers pointed out that she had been the “first permanent guest host.” Check, please!
I don’t own o camera, so I trauel with a police sketch artist.
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I
f JFK Jr. got into a taxi in New York to go to the airport, do you think he would say, “Take me to JFK?” How would he feel about that? And how does Lee Harvey Oswald’s mother feel when she walks through JFK, knowing that if she had stayed single it would probably be Martin Luther King Jr. Airport?
Which is taller, a short-order cook or a small-engine mechanic?
Hobbies ore for people mho lock direction.
FUCK SOCCER
nons
A graveyard always has to start with a single body. Unless the1 local people
get lucky and there’s a nice big bus accident in town. :
” lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they s^y, “He was a loner.” Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he
came in contact with.
Is it illegal to charge admission to a free-for-all?

86

GEORGE C A R L I N

brain droppings

read about some mob guy who was being charged with gambling, loan sharking, extortion, narcotics, prostitution, murder, pornography, labor racketeering, stolen cars, business fraud, mail fraud, wire fraud, bribery, corruption, perjury, and jury tampering. Here’s a guy who didn’t waste a minute. Busy, busy, busy!
Hy definition of bod luck: catching AIDS from a Quaker.
Dogs and cats get put to sleep, hogs and cows get slaughtered.
If a speed freak went to Rapid City to make a quick buck in fast food he
might sell instant coffee in an express lane.
I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public.
Imagine houi thick Japanese people’s photo albums must be.
Uome national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. I think when you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
When football fans tear down the goalpost, uihere do they take it?
Just because your penis surgery was not successful is no reason to go off half-cocked.
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n England in 1830, William Hukkison became the first person ever run over by a railroad train. Wouldn’t that make you feel stupid? For millions and millions of years there were no trains, and then suddenly they have trains and you get run over?

noTHino MITRES
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Shouldn’t a complimentary beuerage tell you uihat a fine person you are?
Only Americans could find as a prime means of self-expression the wave and the high five.
It is important to remember that although the Automobile Club has a health plan, the health club does not have an automobile plan.
Auto racing: slow minds and fast cars.
If you fuck a baseball player’s wife while he’s on the road, his team will lose the next day.
If Helen Keller had psychic ability, mould you say she had a fourth sense?
Why do the Dutch people have two names for their country, Holland and the Netherlands, and neither one includes the word Dutch?
late one night it struck me that for several years I had been masturbating to a Wilma Flintstone fantasy.
d
oes the water that signifies the passage of time flow under the bridge, or over the dam? I’ve heard both versions, and I’m concerned about the people who live near the dam.
n the movies, when someone buys something they never wait for their change.

88

GEORGE CARL IN

brain droppings

I buy stamps by mail. It works OK until I run out of stamps.
Whenever someone tells me they’re going to fix a chicken, I always think Maybe it isn’t really broken. Maybe it just needs a little oil.
lly only superstition: if you drop a spoon, a wild pig will offer to finance your next car.
As o matter of principle I neuer attend the first annual anything
Why is it with any piece of home electronics equipment there are always a few buttons and switches you never use?
There is actually a shoiu on the Lifetime channel called “Dentistry Update’.1
Ill
hen you eat two different types of candy bars in succession, the second one is not as easy to enjoy because you get so used to how good the first one tastes.
BLOOD IS THICKER
THAnURME
I hey said some guy arrested for murder in Las Vegas had “a history of questionable actions.” Can you imagine if we were all held to that standard?
There is no mill, and there is no wisdom.
s
ome people like to watch “monster trucks” drive on top of cars and crush them. Then there are the other people who can’t get to the arena, because they don’t have cars.

, - a| tor men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.
ook at the self-help titles in the bookstore, and you’ll get a fews clues about our culture. They’re all about aggression and acquisition. It wouldn’t be at all surprising to see a book called How to Force Your Will on Other People by Giving Them the Shaft and Fucking Them out of Their Money.
When you sneeze, all the numbers in your head go up by one.
iow can crash course and collision course have two different meanings?
I wonted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn’t find an opening.
Why don’t they have dessert at breakfast? ” ! ‘?
uometimes I look out the airplane window at a large city at night and wonder how many people are fucking.
Why don’t they have rye pancakes? Grapefruit cookies? Fig ice cream? Canteloupe pie?
I he mai tai got its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got in a fight over some neckwear.
I hope they do clone the dinosaurs, and they come back just in time for the ozone layer to disappear and wipe those ugly motherfuckers out again. .,,

A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.
90

GEORGE CARLIN

brain d

Toppings

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n most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who “don’t know.” What isn’t generally understood is that it’s the same people in every poll.
I read that a patient got AIDS from his dentist. It wasn’t from the blood; apparently, the dentist fucked him in the ass. “Open wide!”
Regarding Red Riding Hood: Wolves can’t be all bad if they’ll eat your grandmother. Even Grandpa won’t do that.
I think we’ve outgrown the word gripe. When everyone has automatic weapons, a word \\ke gripe is sort of irrelevant.
no
SHERV

I he friendly skies.” “The skies are not cloudy.” How is this possible? I look up, I see one sky.
ids are now being born with syphilis and cocaine habits. There’s nothing like waking up your second day on Earth and realizing that once you kick cocaine you’re still gonna have the syph. And hey, kids! If you didn’t get VD in the womb, don’t worry, you still have a shot. Some toddlers recently picked up gonorrhea at a day care center.
I always thought a semi-truck driver was someone who dropped out of truck-driving school halfway through the course.
When Sammy Davis Jr. kissed a woman, do you think he closed his bad eye?

nvironmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands.
When a lion escapes from a circus in Africa, how do they know when they’ve caught the right one?
Ihe safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.
Wouldn’t it be funny if you went to group therapy and the Mills Brothers were there?
I’m not an organ donor, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army.
^ Cancer research is a grouith industry.
uometimes I sit for hours weighing the fine distinctions among spunk, pluck, balls, nerve, chutzpah, gall, and moxie.
It is impossible for an abortion clinic to have a waiting list of more than nine months.
YOU nEVER SEE A
arjackings, smash-and-grabs, snipers, home invasions, follow-home robberies, hostage incidents, barricade/standoff situations, drive-by shootings, walk-up shootings, traffic shootings, pipe bombs, mail bombs. Shit! We never had cool crimes like that when I was a kid. All we had was robbery and murder. I feel deprived.

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brain d r o p p i n g s