Brave (13 page)

I
barely limped now, but I remembered his hands on my ankle, the look
of care in his eyes, the skill of his touch.

The
cabin was cool and quiet, the faint tinkle of chimes dancing in the
wind across the deck, calling to me.

Soon,
it whispered.

Entering
the kitchen, it was surprising how comfortable and at home I felt,
here where he had cooked for me, carved for me, stared at me like I
could be his world.

I
went to the counter and filled up the coffeepot with cold water, then
poured it into the reservoir on the coffeemaker. I filled the basket
with fresh grounds and slid it into place and flipped the switch, my
mood mellow.

The
wind tinkled the chimes again, impatiently, and I glanced up out the
kitchen window and thought I saw Charlie as real as the blinding
brightness of the day. He waved to me with a beautiful smile on his
face. My heart tightened and I smiled back at him, but I refused to
wave. I wasn’t quite ready to say goodbye.

There
was a sound from the doorway as Dakota entered the kitchen, and when
I blinked, Charlie was gone. Dakota’s arms slipped around my
waist, his mouth settled against the side of my neck and I felt tears
prick the back of my eyes as I blinked rapidly.

“Ah,
that is quite a beautiful sight in the morning, Alissa.”

“Me?”
I said.

“No,
you making coffee.”

I
elbowed him and he laughed.

I
reached my arms back and caged his head. “Good morning,
handsome.”

“Mmmmhummm,”
he hummed against my skin, breathing deep.

“I
just started the coffee before taking a shower.”

“Want
some company?”

My
heart caught a little at the hesitant sound of his voice. I sighed
deeply, delving fingers into his hair, leaning heavily against him as
he kissed the hollow of my shoulder. “I certainly would be so
obliged if you could…you know…wash my back, and I’ll
wash yours.”

He
buried his face against my skin and I slipped out of his arms,
unbuttoning the shirt. I walked a few paces, letting the shirt slip
off my shoulders. I glanced back and saw him standing at the counter
dressed only in a pair of gray sweatpants. Wouldn’t it be
wonderful if the man could walk around half-naked all the time? The
gray of his eyes was like a million shades of light and dark,
shifting in a beautiful cascade of hue, like the subtle shades of
gray in life. He lowered his lashes, pressed his hands against the
marble, his face contorting, his chest heaving with such strong
emotion. For a moment, I thought he was going to have a flashback,
and I was ready and prepared for it and for a lifetime of healing if
that was what it took.

My
heart clutched, the love for him filling every pore of my body. “Come
on, babe.”

He
released the counter and strode toward me, his face set. When he
reached me, he gathered me up in his arms and cradled me against his
chest.

Gradually
his breathing changed, grew deeper, slower, something I could feel
but not hear. As it altered, he altered. He was powerful and solid,
and yet the aesthetic purity of his features gave him an unreal
aspect, like something from an artist’s dream of absolute and
flawless force. A knight of old, releasing his armor, dropping his
sword, letting his guard down.

“I can walk
now,” I said, softly.

“I
know,” he said.

Inside
the shower, the spray of the water warred with the heat of Dakota as
he cupped my face and stared down into my eyes, then kissed me, his
passion evident in the way he pressed his mouth against mine. Our
bodies touched, and he groaned softly as I felt the way he hardened
against me. He thrust against my stomach. I slipped my hands
sensuously down his back and over his tight butt, pressing him
closer, and he groaned again. I would never get tired of that sound.

We
mated slowly as the hot spray cascaded over us, thrusting and
pressing and releasing everything against each other like a silent
force.

By
the time we finished drying off and getting dressed, the coffee
wasn’t drinkable. We made a fresh pot while Dakota made us
breakfast. We ate in companionable silence. Then he took my hand and
pulled me into the living room and we settled at the base of the
tree.

“I’ve
got something for you, Alissa.”

“Me,
first. It’s something I wrote for you. I’m giving the
gift of myself, just as you gave me the gift of you last night.”

He
nodded, capturing my fingers, and I reached for a single sheet of
paper that I’d placed under the tree the night before.

I
handed it to him and his eyes fell to the page.

Brave

When the darkness
claws

And the demons come.

When hope is lost.

When shadows draw
near.

I
am
here.

I
live
inside you.

When fear steals
your breath

When fury shreds
your soul

When despair twists
deep inside

And the shadows draw
near.

I
am
here.

I
burn
inside you.

Mettle is of the
heart

Valor not just a
knightly word.

You are a hero.

You are a man

And the shadows
cannot stand

Against your true
nature

Against the blinding
light

And what must be
done

Is done.

I
am
here.

I
breathe
inside you.

The reward

cannot be

measured

I am courage.

And you are

Brave.

Dakota
raised his head and looked at me, his eyes dark and smoky, such
intense, unguarded emotion in his eyes that it made my heart
contract, hard. He closed his eyes tightly, resting his forehead
against mine as a shuddering tremor coursed through him. The exposed
emotion in him made my tears well up again, and I smoothed back his
hair, aching to comfort him.

His
eyes were awed as he lifted them from the page. For a moment his
throat worked as if he couldn’t get words past the thickness
there. “This is so beautiful…I…Alissa.” He
took a careful breath. “You give me hope that I have the
courage to take myself back someday, now that I’ve met you and
have something to fight for.”

“You’d
already fought and survived. You found that courage to be brave
here.” I covered his heart and he covered my hand. “Now
it’s time to let go and ask for help. To heal. And I know
you’re brave enough for that. You’re brave enough to let
yourself do that.”

“Because
of you.”

“No,
Dakota, because of you.”

Moved
beyond words, I blinked away the moisture gathering along my
eyelashes, knowing now was the time to tell him what I had to do. But
before I could, he reached over and grabbed a bundle of cloth with
silver stars all over the midnight blue fabric.

“I
made this for you, Alissa.”

My
hands trembled when I opened the bundle and my heart caught in my
throat. “Oh, Dakota,” I whispered unevenly.

I
held in my hands a beautiful replica of Pooh Bear and Piglet sitting
together on a hollow log with their arms around each other. Carved
into the base were the words, “Friends forever.”

I
covered my eyes. “Oh, God, Charlie.”

“Why
did you come here, Alissa? What is it that you have to do here, on
this particular cliff? I’m here for you. You can let go. Can
you tell me what’s in the backpack, now?”

I
eased a deep shaky breath past the nearly suffocating tightness in my
throat and I could finally let go. The tears fell heavy and hot
against my cheeks, my voice broken with the loss. “Charlie’s
ashes.” I released a sob. “He died last week.”

#

“You’re
going to be fine.” I said, ruffling Charlie’s dark hair.
“You’ve have bouts before and always recovered.”

He
shook his head, his eyes so stark, they scared me. “Not this
time, Alissa,” he sounded like he was trying to push the words
past an obstruction in his throat, they rasped as he expelled them.
“I’m dying. I’m not going to make it to Christmas.”

“Don’t
say that, Charlie,” I whispered, my voice breaking.

He
reached out, grabbing onto my hand, his grasp weak. “I have a
special Christmas wish, Alissa.”

“Anything.”

“I
want you to take my ashes and release them on that mountain in
Colorado. The one you texted me. With snow glinting in the sun and
the breeze brisk and strong. I want to fly.”

“What?”
My heart lurched with a spurt of panic. “But, your parents.”

“Please
Alissa, don’t let them put me on a mantle.” He clasped my
hand desperately, his eyes frantic. “I don’t want to die,
knowing that I’ll never see that place. Take me there, after
I’m dead. I want to be free.” His voice caught on a sob.
“Please set me free.”

“I
could ask them for you.” I suggested, not sure I had it in me
to do what he asked, and I felt ashamed that I didn’t have the
kind of courage it took to grant him this final wish.

“No!”
He shook his head getting more agitated, his breath wheezing in and
out. “They won’t let you. They won’t understand.
Only you understand how much I need this. I have to face the ultimate
fear, Alissa. I’m twenty-two years old and I’ve tried to
cram a lifetime of living into a small number of years. And, all
those years were filled with fear. I’ve already been on the
mantle too long. I need you to be brave. You have always been my
strength.”

“You’ve
been my strength, Charlie. I’m not that brave.”

“Yes,
you are. I need you to be for me. Promise me you’ll do this for
me. Just like you promised to stop cutting yourself for me.”

“Okay,
I will, Charlie. I will.”

“Listen
to me. I don’t have much time. My parents will be back soon. I
love you, Alissa. You’re the sister of my heart. You’re
the only person in my life who gave a damn about me. My only regret
is leaving you alone. I’m leaving you all my money, and there’s
a lot of it.”

“I
don’t want your money.” My vision blurred. “I just
want you.”

“You’re
going to take it. I’ve already had the lawyer draw up the
papers. You won’t ever have to be under your parents’
thumb ever again. I want you not to mourn me, but go out and
celebrate your life. Take all you can from it. Promise you’ll
do that. And, every year at Christmas, please go there and stand at
that cliff’s edge and remember me.”

“I
have to mourn you, Charlie. I have to. It’s not fair to ask me
not to.”

“All
right, only for a little while. Now promise me.”

“I
promise.”

“So,
you’ll have to continue to be brave for both of us.”

I
collapsed against him, and he stroked my hair and I breathed in his
familiar scent.

“I
was so lucky to be born next door to you, Alissa.”

We
were both crying freely by then. “I feel the same way, Charlie.
I’ll never forget you.”

“I
know you won’t. Pooh and Piglet belong together always in the
100 Acre Wood. That’s where you’ll find them. Forever
friends.”

#

“Oh,
Alissa,” Dakota said so softly, his eyes brimming with his
compassion and his support. “I’m so sorry.”

“I
stole his ashes from the funeral home. I came out here to release
them because he begged me to, and I couldn’t say no. But I
wasn’t sure until this very moment that I could actually do
what he asked and not just take the urn back.”

Dakota’s
chest expanded. He slid his arms around me and held me fiercely,
protectively. So full of emotion it was impossible to say any more, I
closed my eyes and turned my face against his neck, his comfort
bolstering me, the courage I had been looking for rising up from that
hidden well inside me. I held him as fiercely, as protectively, as he
was holding me.

It
took a long time for all those intense feelings to settle, and by the
time Dakota eased his hold, the fire had burned down into a steady
flame.

Hauling
in a shaky breath, he shifted his hold, his hands warm and firm
against my face as he covered my mouth with a tender, searching,
healing kiss that made me feel very loved. Releasing his breath on a
long sigh, he raised his head and looked down at me. His eyes open
windows to his beautiful soul. He stroked my cheek with his thumb,
his expression solemn, “I think you know what to do now,
Alissa,” he said huskily.

I
smiled up at him, my heart in my eyes. “I know,” I
whispered. “Thank you so much for being here for me.”

“You’re
going through with it, then?”

“Yes,
it’s what he wanted. I’m probably in a lot of trouble.
Probably legal trouble, but I don’t care. This is what Charlie
wanted, his dying wish. He’s been there for me my whole life,
and I couldn’t mourn him until I did this for him. It was our
bargain. I loved him so much, Dakota. I miss him so much. And I swear
he brought me to you, too, because you needed me and I needed you. I
don’t know how the world works, but I know that two lost souls
found each other here this Christmas Day. And, in our union, hope of
this season lives in us.”

He
nodded and pulled me hard against him again. “Do you want to do
this now?”

“Yes.
It’s a beautiful day, with a lovely breeze. It’s time to
set him free so he can fly.”

“Let
me go grab a jacket.”

I
slipped into my coat and picked up the backpack with the urn inside.
Suddenly I heard a car door slam and I rushed to the window. “Oh,
shit,” I said. “Oh, no!”

Without
waiting for Dakota, I bolted for the back door.

#

Dakota

I
heard her cry out and the back door slam against the wall. I rushed
out of my bedroom still shrugging into my jacket, and I saw a man
racing after Alissa across the sparkling snow. I growled deep in my
throat, and the fury consumed me as my vision wavered. Instead of
that man, I saw the scarred man, running after Alissa, my two worlds
meshing. I bolted forward, and with the speed born of a wildness that
I had known only one other time in my life, I caught him, wrestled
him to the ground, grabbing for his neck. I started squeezing and the
scarred man looked up at me with no remorse in his eyes.