Brave the Heat (13 page)

His jaw clenched as he fought the surge of fury mixed with shame that bubbled up as sinister memories from that day in the barn reared their ugly heads. He stared at the firehouse, his voice gruff and strained as he recalled the worst moment of his life.

“If you’re not crazy, then you’re a stupid kid who doesn’t know any damn better. But stupidity is what gets people killed, and no matter how many times you want to go back and fix it…you can’t. Some mistakes can’t ever be atoned for.”

Wrapped up in the dark tangle of memories, Gavin squeezed his eyes shut as faint echoes of Jimmy’s screams filled his head. He’d tried to get to him, to pull him from the flames like he had with Ronan and Tommy, but he couldn’t. The flames had been too hot and the smoke so thick he couldn’t breathe. Even all these years later, Gavin could still hear the boy screaming for his brother.

The only sound worse than Jimmy’s screams had been the deafening silence that followed.

Gavin gritted his teeth against the stomach-churning memory, but the fury dissipated slowly when soft, warm fingers curled around his clenched fist. He stilled and opened his hand as Jordan tangled her fingers with his and inched her lithe body closer, pressing it gently against him. Flicking his eyes open, Gavin immediately caught Jordan’s empathetic stare. Bit by bit, the tension seeped from his body like smoke.

“You were children, Gavin. Babies really. And it was an accident. A horrible, tragic accident,” Jordan whispered, her other arm linking through his, pulling him closer still. “Gavin, that fire wasn’t your fault. You have to know that. Especially after doing what you do for a living.”

Looking into her compassionate face, he wished more than anything that what she said was true. Just as that thought rippled through Gavin’s mind, his attention was captured by a flicker of movement behind Jordan. Tommy Miller came shuffling toward them with his familiar, off-kilter gait. His scars, unlike Gavin’s, were visible and covered almost the entire right side of his body. Gavin caught his eye only for a moment before Tommy acknowledged him with a shy nod and climbed quickly into the van with the school’s emblem emblazoned on the side. The engine roared to life, and the muffler sputtered and coughed as he backed out of the space.

Tommy was always cordial to Gavin. Even back then, he never came right out and blamed him for Jimmy’s death. No one did. Tommy and Ronan never ratted him out, but they didn’t have to. Gavin knew the truth. He was the one who had stolen the cigarettes and matches from his father’s nightstand. If Gavin hadn’t done that, there never would have been a fire in the first place.

It had been his fault. Plain and simple.

Jordan must have sensed the shift in his demeanor because she held him tighter, her breast pressing against his bicep, taunting him with what he couldn’t have. Maybe he didn’t deserve to be happy. Maybe being this close to Jordan and not being able to have her was the universe’s way of punishing him.

Tommy drove away down Main Street, and a pall of guilt bloomed around Gavin like a plume of black smoke so thick and heavy that he practically choked on it.

“Like I said,” she murmured. “We all have our demons, Gavin.”

“Maybe,” he said tightly in a barely audible tone. “But you didn’t kill anyone.”

“No.” She tilted her chin, daring him to defy her. “And neither did you.”

“Tell that to Tommy Miller,” he said flatly.

Jordan blanched at his tone, which sent a pang of guilt flickering through him. What the hell was he doing? She didn’t need to deal with his baggage. The woman had plenty of her own crap to wade through, and here he was dumping his nonsense on her like some sappy dope on a talk show. Feeling stupid for allowing himself to get sucked into the darkness, he shrugged.

“Whatever, Jordan. Forget it. It’s not the same thing, okay?”

“You’re a piece of work, you know that?” She dropped his hand and slipped away from him as swiftly as she’d come, a flash fire going from hot to cold in a split second. “I see how it is. So it’s okay if I sit there and spill my guts to you, but the instant
you
have to talk about anything real, the conversation is over? You know, for a guy who claims he wants to be friends, you have a funny way of showing it. Last time I checked, friendship was a two-way street.”

“I don’t know what you’re getting your panties in a bunch about,” he groused. An older couple walking past them raised their eyebrows. Gavin lowered his voice and ran one hand over his face, fighting to keep his emotions in check. “You might want to rehash shit with your old man, but not all of us want to keep bringing up the past. What’s done is done. Okay? Drop it.”

“Fine. Consider it dropped. Thanks for lunch,” she seethed. “I have to get back to work. Good-bye, Gavin.”

Her dark eyes glittered with anger, and the harsh edge in her voice left no mistaking how pissed she was. He knew enough about women to know that saying “fine” was about the same as telling a guy to screw off. Before he could say a word, she stormed away and disappeared into the shop. He swore under his breath. He could go inside and try to explain himself, but based on the state he was in at the moment, he’d only mess things up more. She was right. Everyone had demons, and at the moment, his were fighting to break free.

* * *

Jordan had been twisted up in knots ever since her spat with Gavin, and as the clock ticked closer to closing time, she continued debating whether or not she should go to the firehouse to see him. Part of her was still pissed that he had shut her out, but the other part, the more dominant part, was heartbroken for him. She’d assumed, foolishly, that Gavin no longer blamed himself for the death of Jimmy Miller.

Gavin was strong, solid, and an immovable force, so the idea that this hulking man who ran into burning buildings for a living was still blaming himself for an accident decades ago seemed impossible. She’d stupidly thought that he’d conquered that demon, especially since he seemed hell-bent on helping her battle hers. Based on his curt reaction earlier, it was all too clear he remained a man haunted by his past.

The more she thought about her reaction, the worse she felt. It was the first time she had seen darkness bubble up beneath the surface of his typically even-keeled demeanor. Even when they were kids, Gavin seemed to hold it together. The man was the calm in the storm. When his brothers got in trouble, he was the one who came to their rescue or their defense, depending on what the situation called for. But that was typical with the oldest child in the family, wasn’t it? She remembered reading somewhere that the eldest was usually the caretaker, and that was a perfect word to describe Gavin.

He took care of everyone except himself.

Glancing out the window for the fifteenth time in as many minutes, she realized that his cool manner had wavered one other time today. When Jordan told him about Ted’s temper and the way he’d behaved in front of the girls, the shadow that passed over Gavin’s face had sent a shudder down her spine. For all his sweetness and thoughtfulness, something dark and dangerous simmered beneath the surface. She suspected that was the part of himself he called upon every time he ran into a burning building—and the same darkness he’d been stewing in out on the sidewalk.

This incident between them was a glaring reminder that nothing with the two of them would ever be easy or simple. Being friends with Gavin, let alone getting involved further, was a really bad idea. Individually, they had enough baggage to pack up the entire town. Twice.

The familiar lilt of Cookie’s voice pulled Jordan from her thoughts. She quickly pretended to be inspecting the flowers in the case instead of staring at the firehouse.

“So you and your boyfriend have been having lunch every day for like, two weeks. When do you two kids graduate to dinner and a real date?” Cookie asked with her typically perky energy. Arms full of flowers, she leaned both elbows on the glass counter as the door to the workroom swung shut behind her. “Veronica and I are taking bets. In fact, before she left tonight, she made me promise to text her if the chief showed up again.”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” Jordan said in an unconvincing tone as she straightened up the tower in the center of the room. She adjusted the position of the various knickknacks for purchase and shrugged. “We’re friends.”

“Yeah, right.” Cookie snorted with laughter. Tugging open the refrigerator, she restocked the roses. Her tattoo-covered arms moved with the ease of experience. “I’ve seen more of that dude the past two weeks than I have in the past two years. A hot man like that was made for more than friendship. And from what I hear, the two of you used to be…y’know.”

“Cookie, it’s complicated.” Jordan looked at the clock again before taking the remaining bunch of flowers from Cookie’s hands. She jutted her thumb toward the door. “Go on, girl. Beat it. I can finish restocking the case. Why don’t you go home? You and Veronica got here when the sun came up to get everything ready. Tomorrow you have to be up at the crack of dawn to set the flowers up at the church and the country club, and Veronica will be here at the shop all day. Not to mention that Mrs. Posman will pop a gasket if you’re late. Really, I’ve got it. My mom picked the girls up from camp today and took them back to her place for a little while.”

“Really? Thanks.” Cookie’s pierced eyebrow arched and her tone softened. “I’ve been meaning to ask you. How’s your dad doing?”

“Not good,” Jordan said flatly. “But the hospice nurse will be there tonight until about eight and it’s good for my mother to get a breather from all of it. The only time I see her smile is when she’s with the girls, and if anyone deserves a smile or two, it’s my mother.”

“Hey, Jordan…um…can I ask you something?” She bit her lip nervously. “It’s kinda personal.”

“Sure.”

“How’d the girls do when they met him?” Cookie shrugged and stuck her hands in the pockets of her ripped jeans. “I mean, he’s really sick. I remember when my grandpa was dying. It kinda freaked me out.”

“The girls stay downstairs,” Jordan said quickly. “They’ve never met him. But Lily has been asking about him.” She growled with frustration. “I just don’t want to make the wrong decision, and lately, it seems like that’s all I’ve been doing.”

“Gotcha.” Cookie nodded slowly and hesitated as though she wanted to say something.

“What is it?” Jordan prodded. She could tell that the well-meaning young woman had something on her mind, and even though they’d only known each other for a month or so, she’d already become something of a kid sister. Cookie’s outward appearance was rough and edgy, but underneath it all she was a sweet kid with a big heart. “It’s okay, Cookie. Tell me.”

“Your dad is dying, right?” Cookie asked, her light blue eyes studying Jordan’s. “I mean, like, soon probably.”

“Yes,” she responded quietly. “He is… It’s only a matter of time.”

“And he’s never met his granddaughters?”

“No, but it’s—”

“Complicated?” Cookie interjected. “I guess it is. Look, I know we don’t really know each other well, but if Lily is asking about it, why not let her meet the guy? He can’t do anything to hurt her, right?”

“Not really, but…I don’t know…”

“Sorry.” Cookie held up both hands and added quickly, “I mean, you told me some and I’m sorry if I’m outta line, it’s just that family is family, you know?” She made a scoffing sound and waved her hands quickly. “Ah, never mind. I’m punchy from lack of sleep and listening to that Posman broad yammer on about her freaking purple roses. Sorry, Jordan.”

“Hey.” Cookie started to leave, but Jordan grabbed her hand before she could get away and gave it a quick squeeze. “Thank you.”

“For what?” Cookie laughed. “Being nosy?”

“No.” Jordan smiled and held the young woman’s wide-eyed stare. “For being a good friend. When I was married to Ted—” She snapped her mouth shut and shook her head. “Never mind. I’ll leave it at thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Cookie placed a quick kiss on Jordan’s cheek. She hurried to the door and pushed it open, but before she slipped into the back room, Cookie gave Jordan what could only be described as a wicked grin. “Then as your friend, I’ll say one more thing.”

“What?” Jordan adjusted the thorny stems carefully and yanked open the door to the case. “I’m all ears.”

“My lack-of-sex radar goes haywire around you and the chief.” She pointed at Jordan and laughed as the door swung shut. “You both need to get laid.”

“Cookie!” Jordan’s face heated, and in spite of the outrageousness of Cookie’s comment, she found herself looking out the window at the firehouse. “You’re crazy.”

Still laughing at Cookie’s brazen suggestion, Jordan finished stocking the case and closed it tightly. She leaned against it. If Cookie only knew how much Jordan wanted nothing more than to crawl into Gavin’s arms and stay there. But they’d both agreed—friendship was all there would be between them. Today, when he’d gently stroked her back to comfort her, it had taken every ounce of self-control to stop herself from falling into his arms. She wanted him. There was no denying that.

But like she’d told the girls so many times, sometimes what we want and what’s smart are two different things. Spending all this time with Gavin was what she wanted…but it sure as hell wasn’t smart.

Eyes closed, she pressed her back against the cool glass doors. A moment later she heard Cookie shout her good-byes. The familiar sound of the back door slamming shut shot through the room, and then there was silence. For the first time in ages, Jordan was alone.