Break (6 page)

“Jess, look, I’m really sorry for what I said.”

Seeing her looking so tired in her pajamas stirred my guilt. She waited for me all night, and probably wondered if my face would appear on the evening news.

I was too tired to argue. “It’s fine.”

Her hands fidgeted. “You didn’t text me.”

“Ah, sorry. I forgot,” I said as I hung my coat in the closet.

“Well, how was it?”

I clung to the wall and a huge grin spread across my face. “I think I’m in love!” I yelled to the room.

She grinned. “Seriously, what was he like?”

“He’s young and gorgeous. And nice and—” I shivered at the mere memory of him. “I don’t really know what he’s like, but he is
hot
. He looks like Ian Somerhalder!”

Her eyebrows were somewhere in her hair. “Wow. Well, what does he want from you?”

“I don’t know yet,” I said lightly. “I can pay you back now, at least. And I can get my car.” I slid my feet out of the heels and bounced across the room, brimming with happiness.

“I’ve never seen you like this.” Natalie’s voice was flat. “Am I dreaming?”

I shrugged and backed into my room, laughing at her stunned face. “I’m going to bed. ‘Night!”

I set my purse on the bed and set the two thousand dollar check on my nightstand, feeling myself deflate once again.
Don’t get attached to him.
He could potentially become my boss, but he’d never be my boyfriend.

Still, it was nice to dream.

Chapter 4

The following morning, I headed straight for the bank to deposit my check, and then took a bus to the repair shop where my car was. Looking Randy straight in the eye as he swiped my credit card, I breathed a sigh of relief as the charge went through.

After driving home and paying Natalie the two months’ rent I owed, my bank account contained a paltry $432.50. Luke’s money helped tremendously, but I still needed more—and fast.

Without receiving a single reply to the job applications sent out days ago, I asked for applications at every retail store on the way home. Even McDonalds wasn’t hiring.

My stomach roared with hunger as I stood in the kitchen. Debating whether or not to buy food at the grocery store, I dug through my cupboard and found a battered packet of ramen.
Score.
I inhaled the tantalizing smell of the dry noodles and the spice packet as I ripped open the plastic, poured the noodles into a water filled bowl, shoved it in the microwave, then blasted it.

I practically grew up on Top Ramen. I remember many school lunches where I would rip open the plastic, dump the spice onto the dry noodles, clench the package in my fist to break them into tiny rings, and then shake it to distribute the seasoning. My fingers coated with MSG dust, I ate the whole bag of uncooked noodles.

At least microwaving was a step above eating it raw.

Carefully maneuvering the piping hot bowl to the kitchen table, I proceeded to gulp down my pitiful supper.

The front door opened. “Hey,” Natalie called out.

Feeling that twist of anxiety that took up residency inside my stomach, l looked up. “Hi. I have a check for you on the table.”

She put her messenger bag down with a weary shrug of her shoulders and hung her coat inside the closet. “What do you mean?”

“I mean the billionaire paid me two grand last night just for showing up. So I can pay you back.” I slid the check closer to her.
I need to stop calling him ‘the billionaire.’

A slight frown on her lips, she took the check in her hands and peered at it closely. Her eyes widened in disbelief. “Jess, I still don’t think this is a good idea.”

I knew this was coming the moment she walked inside, and her steely look strongly indicated she meant business. “I don’t even know what he wants from me yet. If he sets up another meeting, I’ll find out.”

“I’m also worried about you getting hurt. Last night, you were talking about him as if he was your date.”

My fork stabbed at the ramen in my bowl. “I know,” I said a little defensively. “He’s just not what I expected at all.”

No, he wasn’t. My cheeks still burned as I thought about his soft kiss goodbye. He could still be an asshole. I didn’t know him at all, but it was hard not to be intrigued by a man planted so firmly in the spotlight.

“Do you know his name?”

Yes, and so do you.

I grinned, bursting to tell her I signed a multi-million dollar NDA. “Can’t tell you, sorry. He made me sign a NDA. And an authorization for a background check.”

Her eyes bugged out. “You’re kidding?”

“Wish I was.”

“Well, that’s thorough. Now I’m really curious. I have a feeling you’re going to have to put out, though.”

My cheeks went a bit pink. If he wanted to have sex with me, would I say no?
Of course you would!
“If that’s the case, I’ll just end it.”

Natalie knew sex still frightened me. She looked at me unblinkingly. Oh God, she was going to talk about it.

“I just hope that you aren’t pressured into doing something that traumatizes you.”

My mind vividly recalled a hand pressed against my mouth in the darkness. Heavy alcoholic breath poured into my ear.
If you make a sound, I’ll kill you.

A violent feeling surged inside me, and I looked around for something to flush it down. A beer. I needed a beer. Maybe an entire case of beer.

“Well, what do you mean?”

She sounded impatient. “Jessica, come on. You know what I’m talking about. You’ve always had issues with men.”

I felt stripped bear, and my face unpleasantly flushed. I always tried so hard to reveal as little about myself as possible, yet Natalie appeared to know all my horrible secrets.

“I’m just worried about you throwing yourself into a situation like this with a man you hardly know. What are you going to do if he forces himself on you? Can you handle that?”

Could I?
I hardly knew the man, but really doubted he would do something like that. “Jesus, Nat. I don’t even know what he wants yet. Will you relax?”

Her arms crossed over her chest and she drew a shuddering breath. “Look, I know you don’t like to talk about your foster parents and everything.”

“Here we go,” I said, rolling my eyes. I didn’t care if I was rude.

“You’re going to need to talk about it someday to someone,” Natalie said. “Jess, I’m not saying that it has to be me, but someone. You put your life on hold for way too long.”

“Enough.” The rough edge in my voice made Natalie back away. “It’s not that easy for me. I don’t have health insurance. I don’t have a family I can talk to. I’m dealing with it the best way I know how.” I hated how bitter I sounded.

“You
have
a family.”

“No, I don’t.”

She looked at me like a wounded animal. The hurt splashed over her face and some of her pain transferred to me.

“You’re getting married and starting a life of your own. You’re not going to always be there for me.” I swallowed hard.
“And that’s fine. I want you to have everything you want. But don’t talk to me as if it’s that simple. I’ve been kicked and punched my whole life and you don’t get over that after a few hours in a therapist’s office.”

Natalie physically flinched like I struck her. We never really talked about this out in the open, even when I showed up to school with bruises on my legs. I stood and paced the small kitchen, Natalie’s infuriating look of pity following every step. I didn’t like this. I didn’t want to talk about this.

“I can’t imagine what it was like—”

Needled past endurance, my head whirled around. “No, you can’t.”

“But you haven’t tried, Jessica. Admit it. You’ve survived everything that happened to you, but you’ve never really allowed yourself to live.”

The suffocating fear escalated even more. “What the hell does that mean?”

She was close to shouting now. “I’ve been waiting years for you to wake the hell up and get help for yourself! You’re a fucking mess. You can’t afford groceries. You’re incapable of getting your shit together. And being alone with men makes you have panic attacks, and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out why. And now you’re turning to this insanely stupid idea that will probably make your problems worse.”

My knuckles turned white on the head of the chair. I briefly entertained throwing the hot bowl of soup in Natalie’s face. I didn’t trust myself not to scream something I’d regret forever, so I said nothing. Natalie’s half-enraged, half-remorseful face said it all: something had broken between us. I didn’t need to hear her say all of those awful things out loud, because I said them to myself every day.

My shaking voice finally broke the silence. “Thank you for reminding me that I’m a failure.”

Even my best friend thinks I’m hopeless.

Of course, she was right. Wasn’t she always fucking right? Before she could speak, I fled into the safety of my bedroom. Even though I knew she wouldn’t follow me, I still locked the door. My pinched face and red eyes reflected from my vanity’s mirror.
Fuck you.
I wanted to destroy the mirror and shatter the image of my pathetic face. I saw myself bent at the waist, clutching the bathroom sink as he ripped down my pants. I looked into the mirror and sobbed as his naked body loomed behind me. Then I was trapped, forced to ride out the hell that was my memory until it was over.

* * *

The buzzing phone jerked me out of sleep, and I rubbed my tear-encrusted eyes. My heart jumped when I realized I had a new email. I rolled on my stomach to read it.

Hi Jessica,

Hopefully, this hasn’t reached you too late. I would like to schedule another meeting in Napa. I have a company outing there tomorrow and I would like to have a chat with you while I’m there. My driver can collect you at your apartment around 3pm. Please reply back if this is acceptable.

- Luke

Does this mean I passed?
I doubted it because of his strange business-like tone. Groaning at the thought of going all the way to Napa, but thankful I didn’t have to drive; I punched out a quick email. I didn’t understand how the background check was completed so quickly. Perhaps he would drive me all the way there just to tell me I didn’t get the position.
Definitely not. He would’ve just sent a cordial email thanking me for a nice time, and apologize for selecting another candidate.

After sending off a quick reply, I fell back on my pillows and wondered what the hell I would wear since I didn’t want to borrow something else from Natalie.
He’s going to be in something more casual, probably.
I checked the time. It was midnight. Only fifteen hours to go. Restless, I sprang out of bed and blinked as I flipped on the light. I slid open the closet door and rifled through my sad collection. I bit my lip. There was nothing here to impress him. My fingers lingered over a tired skirt, a frayed blouse, and returned to the cocktail dress.
I can’t wear the same thing twice.

Resolving to wait until morning, I threw myself back into bed. A shopping trip might be possible, but I didn’t like the idea of spending the little money I had on clothes.

The restless thoughts haunted me for hours as my body refused to let me sleep. A slightly burnt coffee smell drifted in from the kitchen; Natalie was getting ready for work. I gave up trying to get back to sleep and flipped on the light switch. My worry about meeting with Luke dwarfed the slight twinge of annoyance when Natalie knocked and opened my bedroom door.

She stared at all the clothes laid out on my bed and blinked. “Uh—I just wanted to apologize, Jess. I couldn’t sleep last night. I’m really, really sorry about all the things I said. I’ve been under a lot of stress lately.” Natalie squinted at my bed. “What are you doing?”

I wasn’t really sure that I was ready to forgive her, but I didn’t have any energy to stay angry. Desperate for her advice, I waved my hand towards the clothes. “The billionaire wants to meet me this afternoon in Napa. I’m trying to figure out what to wear.”

Natalie stepped inside and inspected the pile on the bed. She bit her lip, an unmistakable signal that she was searching for something delicate to say.

“Just say it—my clothes are crap.”

She avoided my eyes as she picked up a faded blouse sleeve. “Listen, just go in my closet and pick out something. Whatever you want.”

I heaved a great sigh of relief. “Thanks so much. You’re a lifesaver.” Grateful we were the same size, I wasn’t worried with a full wardrobe of Natalie’s cute outfits at my disposal.

“It’s no problem.” She wearily stared into her coffee mug. “Why does he want to see you all the way over there?”

Shrugging, I began hanging the clothes back in my closet. “I dunno. Well, he mentioned he had a company meeting there. He seems like a busy person.” It was weird to be talking to her like this, as though nothing had happened. Her vicious comments still rang in my head. Maybe she sensed I was still a bit hurt because she wished me luck before she left.
She won’t be mad at me much longer. I’ll fix everything.

I didn’t leave my bedroom until I heard the front door close. My thoughts lingered on the mysterious, handsome man I met only a day ago even though I tried to distract myself throughout the day. I tried to resist Googling him, but ended up studying his strangely brief Wikipedia page anyway. In contrast, his father’s was very detailed and long. I scanned it to learn Luke was his only child and his mother died in her mid-thirties. His father was an alcoholic and was dying of terminal lung cancer.

No wonder he had a reputation for partying; it was an escape. I closed the page as a small blush crept through my face.
I shouldn’t pry into his life. He wouldn’t like it.

At noon, I pulled on the outfit I chose: a pair of black leggings and a sweater from Express. There was no way I was going out in a dress again in the middle of November. Thanksgiving was in a week, Natalie would have the week off, and she’d probably double the effort to make me to go with her this year. I kept my appearance simple with a bit of mascara and lip gloss.