Break Away (31 page)

He began tearing up the stairs to Amy’s apartment, and I followed behind him. I had a sneaking suspicion that Nate had other reasons for being there, but before I could stop Dex, he was barging through the front door. He stopped suddenly when he got inside, causing me to nearly run right into him.

When I realized what had stopped him, I wasn’t sure whether to scream, laugh, or slither away in humiliation.

We had walked in on a shirtless Nate, who was on top of an equally shirtless Amy, making out on the couch like two teenagers breaking curfew on a school night.

“What the fuck is going on here?” Dex yelled angrily.

Nate jumped off the couch faster than a bat out of hell, his eyes going wide as the color drained from his face. Dex’s expression was furious, and I worried he was going to go after Nate the same way he went after his opponents in the ring.

“Dex! What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Amy screamed, throwing her shirt on to cover herself up. “You can’t just bust in here like that. Get out!”

“I saw Nate’s car parked outside. I thought something was wrong!” Dex had the decency to look a little bit ashamed, but it disappeared when he turned to Nate. “And clearly I was right. What the
fuck
are you doing with my sister?”

“This is none of your business, Dex.” Amy stood protectively in front of Nate, who was still frozen in place and too stunned to speak. “I’m a grown woman, not a teenager. You’re not responsible for what I do.”

“Where’s Sadie?” Dex asked. “It’s not very mature of you to do this while your daughter is in the next room.”

Amy rolled her eyes. “She’s at Mom and Dad’s house, you idiot.”

“Seriously, dude?” Dex looked at Nate, who had thankfully found his shirt and managed put it on. “Of all the girls for you to screw around with, you had to choose my sister?”

“I’m not screwing around with her,” Nate replied, finally speaking up. He stepped up beside Amy and put his arm around her waist possessively. “I love her.”

Clearly, Dex was not expecting that. “You better not be fucking around with me. The last asshole who told me that he loved her got her pregnant and then took off. How the hell do I know that you aren’t going to do the same thing?”

“Oh, come on, don’t compare me to that jackass,” Nate said, taking a tentative step forward. “I’m your best friend, Dex. You fucking know me, and I’m telling you that this is for real. I’ve had feelings for Amy for a long time now, and I’m sick of pretending that I don’t.”

“And what about Sadie, are you really ready for all that?” Dex said, “Because in case you haven’t noticed, they’re kind of a package deal.”

“Of course, I know that, and you know I love Sadie, too. I’ll be in her life however Amy will let me, whether it’s as a dad or just as a friend. I would never hurt either of them, you know that.”

Dex stared at them both for a moment before finally fixating his eyes on his sister. “This is what you want?”

Amy nodded, gazing at Nate with a smile I’d never seen her wear before. “Yes, absolutely,” she said. “I’ve wanted this for a really long time, and I’m sorry for keeping it from you… but he makes me happy. I haven’t been this happy in a really long time.” Her eyes narrowed, glaring at Dex. “You’re my brother and I love you, but if you try to mess this up, I will hurt you. You don’t scare me, Dex Porter!”

“Well, fuck,” Dex said with a laugh, shaking his head. “I guess that’s that then.”

I grabbed his hand and started pulling him out of the room. “Let’s leave these kids alone. I’m freezing my ass off over here. I say we hit the shower.”

Amy eyed us curiously, finally noticing our wet hair and damp clothes. “Yeah, what the hell happened to you two, anyway?”

The idea that we had busted in on them making out on the couch, shortly after we had been out mudding and skinny-dipping, was too much. I started laughing hysterically. Here we were, a bunch of so-called adults, running around like teenagers.

I loved it.

There are certain kinds of fun that you never get too old for.

As disturbing as it was to walk in on Nate and my sister, it had been a wakeup call for me. Everyone around me was moving forward and I was stuck in place. I was tired of feeling trapped in my past, and I was finally ready to do something about it.

Early the next morning, I called Olivia and asked her if she would go somewhere with me. Her voice was heavy with sleep, and I could tell that I’d woken her up, but she agreed and I picked her up shortly afterward.

She smiled when she saw me, and I was amazed that she could look so beautiful only fifteen minutes after waking up. There wasn’t a stitch of makeup on her face, and her hair was twisted into a messy bun on top of her head. She had the type of beauty that came naturally, and I loved seeing her that way.

“Where are we going?” she asked, settling into the seat next to me and fighting a yawn.

“Confronting some ghosts.” She didn’t ask me to elaborate, and I was grateful.

I parked outside the cemetery and walked around to the passenger side to open the door for her. She studied me carefully, as if wanting to make sure that I was okay before taking my hand and following me along the winding paths that led to Teddy’s grave.

The shot glass was still sitting on top of the headstone from the last time I was there, and the flowers had dried up and shriveled in the hot sun.

“Is that from you?” She gestured to the shot glass, and I nodded. “Do you come here often?”

“Only once since the funeral. On his birthday,” I said. “Mostly I’ve avoided it, like I did everything else, but it seemed like the perfect place for me to finally face it all.” Reaching into my back pocket, I pulled out the letter from Teddy’s parents and handed it to her. “Would you read it to me? I don’t think I’ll be able to get through it on my own.”

“Of course I will.”

I sat down in the grass, leaning my back against the big oak tree that stood a few feet away from the stone. Olivia sat down next to me, carefully opening the envelope and I braced myself for what I was about to hear. I was terrified, but I owed it to them to read it. They had a right to tell me how they felt, to express their anger about the promises I’d failed to keep and to blame me for what happened. They had every right to hate me.

This letter had the power to break me, but I couldn’t hide from it any longer. I’d been anchored to the past for too long, and the only way I would ever pull free was by breaking the chains.

As Olivia unfolded the sheets of paper, something slipped from the pages and fell into her lap. I recognized the clinking sound as she passed it to me, and I closed my hand around the rounded, aluminum I.D. tags that I knew were Teddy’s. I let the long chain slither out of my palm and ran my finger over the imprinted letters of his name, delicately tracing the edges as though it were sacred, because to me, it was.

I held the dog tags in my fist and glanced toward Olivia, waiting for her to begin. With a deep breath, she finally began reading the letter.

Dear Dex,

We’ve been meaning to write you this letter for months, and I’m sorry it took us so long. We could never quite figure out the right words to say to you, because words are simply not enough to express to you just how grateful we are to you.

Not many people are lucky enough to experience the kind of friendship that you and Teddy had. You were only little kids when you met, but the bond you formed was something special. From then on, it was you and Teddy against the world.

The greatest kind of friends are the ones who bring out the best in one another, and that’s what you and Teddy did every day. You made each other stronger, wiser and braver, and you learned from each other. Most importantly, you stood by each other, right until the very end.

We are eternally grateful to you for being there by his side in his final moments. For holding his hand and letting him know that he wasn’t alone and that, even in death, someone he loved was there with him. We take comfort in knowing that he didn’t leave this world alone.

There’s no doubt in our minds that you did everything you could to try and save him, Dex. We know that there’s nothing you could have done differently, and we can only hope that you know it too. Not everyone can be saved – sometimes God has a greater purpose for the ones we love, and we must fight through the pain and learn to accept that they are somewhere far better than here.

We know that you miss him, and we miss him too… every single day. But with each day that passes, it becomes a little bit easier. Some days are harder than others, but our frowns no longer outweigh our smiles. We no longer cry when we see his pictures around the house, and memories of him no longer bring pain to our hearts, but instead put a smile on our faces as we remember who he was. We all must honor his memory by focusing on what we gained by having him in our lives, rather than on what we lost when he passed. It’s what he would have wanted for all of us.

Teddy loved life. He reveled in the simple things, and he saw a positive light in even the worst situations. He would never want his death to bring you sadness or to rob you of the joys of life. He would want you to remember the good times and focus on the memories of him that make you smile – because he is someone who could make anyone smile!

You have such a big heart, Dex, and because of that you’ve always felt things a little bit stronger and more deeply than everyone else. Don’t let your grief weigh you down. Don’t carry the burden of your loss with you forever. Our scars become a part of us, but you cannot let them define you. We will carry him with us in our hearts forever, and moving on does not mean that we’re forgetting him or leaving him behind. It means choosing to live.

Thank you for being a part of our son’s life. Of our lives. You brought so much joy and laughter to his time here on this earth, and we will forever cherish those moments. Take solace in your memories of him, do not let them bring you pain. Teddy loved you so much, and he always will. So will we.

Love,

April and Doug

My eyes were closed tight, but a few tears still managed to escape. I wiped them away, and when I finally looked over at Olivia, I saw that she was crying softly. Her tears fell more freely, and she reached over to grab my hand, holding it tightly in hers.

The whole time she was reading, I kept waiting for the blow of pain and disappointment to hit me at full force, but it never came. Instead, their words brought me relief, drifting through me and stirring me back to life. I could feel the weight fall from my shoulders when it hit me – they didn’t blame me. Their lives weren’t full of sorrow and heartbreak, and they had no feelings of anger or resentment, only words of hope and healing. If they could move on, then shouldn’t I be able to?

I always thought that if I was no longer sad, then it meant I no longer missed him or had forgotten about him. There were times when I would find myself laughing or smiling about something and the guilt would hit me full force—
How can you be happy when you lost your best friend?

His parents were right, though. Teddy would want us to focus on the positive and remember the good times, not dwell on the pain. That’s the type of guy he was; always caring about others and going the extra length to make them smile.

“Are you all right?” Olivia asked. “I know that’s a really stupid question…”

“No, it’s not stupid,” I broke in, running my thumb softly over her knuckles. “I think I am, actually. I’ve been carrying this guilt with me for so long that I started to lose perspective. I’ve been blaming myself all this time, for not being able to save him or protect him, because I desperately needed someone to blame, someone to direct my anger toward. I was so sure that his parents would blame me too. Maybe I needed to hear it from them in order to start believing it myself. That letter was a big wake up call for me. As crazy as it sounds, I kinda feel like they set me free.”

“That doesn’t sound crazy to me.”

Toying with the dog tags in my hand, I felt closer to Teddy than I had in a long time and yet, the sadness was no longer crippling. “I didn’t know how to move on without leaving him behind. I’ve been so caught up in the guilt and pain that I never let myself think about all the great times we had together and how much fun we had, and that isn’t fair to him. Forgetting the good times we shared is worse than forgetting him. He deserves to be remembered and I’m sick of hiding from the past. I want to be able to laugh at the memories and tell stories about him with a smile on my face. I want to remember the way he lived, not the way he died.”