Break Your Heart (26 page)

             
Friday had brought with it the same distance that sat between them all week. After a day spent playing his guitar, packing and prepping Momma’s lasagna recipe, Grant had decided it was more than time to make right of the situation. 

             
He bolted down the stairs and turned the corner heading through the front room and into the kitchen where he found Sarah sitting at the table with the lights off. “Whatcha doing in the dark?” He asked, flicking the light switch.             

             
Sarah looked over to him. “Hi.”  She was still dressed in her dark grey pants suit from the day.  

             
Grant walked over to the stove and took out the lasagna.  He plated it in silence setting one in front of her and one at his place across from her at the table.  He had already set the salad out with her favorite dressing in front of the glass of wine he had poured for himself earlier. Quickly, he sat in front of her, eager to assess her mood.

             
“How was your day?” Grant questioned lightly. He took a sip of his wine and leaned back into his chair, trying to decide which direction he would take the conversation in next. He had thought all week about the dilemma before him and knew it was more than time to be honest with Sarah about how he felt.

             
“It was good. I did some interviewing for the new position to assist me.” Sarah took a bite of her lasagna. “This is really good, Grant.”

             
“Thanks. That’s great.”

             
“Yeah...”

             
“Good.” He took some salad out of the bowl and put some on her plate and then his. “I got some more packing done today, we have a lot of stuff.”

             
“Yeah…” She took a sip of her water. “So, Gina.”

             
“What?” Grant raised his eyes to meet hers. He could feel his throat tighten. He knew this was a conversation that needed to be opened up and part of him was glad she did. The other part was shocked. However, all of it was taken over by shame for the fact that he hadn’t been the one to bring it up.

             
Sarah sat tall in her seat with her eyes firmly focused back on his. “I realize that you and Gina had something that you will always remember and that will never go away. I get that. I even understood when,” her eyes narrowed and began to gloss as water filled them. She took in a deep breath and wiped below her eyelids catching the tears that were about to fall.

             
Grants heart began to double in beats. His stomach turned into knots. He couldn’t find the words to give her that were in any way fair. 

             
“What I don’t get is her showing up at our house. What I don’t get is why you look at her that way.  What I don’t get is why I am still here.”  

             
Grant looked back to her in silence. The fact of the matter was, she was right.  This wasn’t fair to Sarah.  Gina being part of his life at all wasn’t fair to Sarah.  The time he spent with Gina wasn’t fair to Sarah. Every emotion he strived to never associate himself with swarmed him.  Guilt. Remorse. Regret. Shame. He didn’t know what to process first, all he knew is he had been responsible for creating this situation.

             
“Grant, I love you. I want to have us. I want to have what we planned. What I don’t want is to be your back-up plan.” Her voice was firm and clear. She was strong and confident with each word she spoke, taking time where she needed. 

             
There was nothing for him to say.  His heart shattered for her, for their relationship and for their friendship.  He wanted to give her the life and the love she deserved.  He watched her face as it went from strong and confident to relaxed and calm.  A sense of relief appeared to fall over her.

             
She stood up from the table and walked over to the counter, grabbed a long stemmed wine glass and poured out of the half-consumed bottle on the counter.  Sarah resumed her place at the table avoiding Grant’s eyes as she sat.

             
“Sarah,” he stared her down until she turned her eyes to meet his. “I’m sorry.  I love you. I love you more than you will ever know.  I want to give you everything. You deserve to have everything…you deserve better than me.” He was quiet for a moment. “I can’t, I won’t, I just…we can’t go through with the wedding.  It’s not fair to you.”

             
A slight smile began to form across Sarah’s face.

             
Grant couldn’t tell if it was an angry or happy smile nor could he decide why either would suffice.  He cautiously watched her face as it softened and she exhaled fully.

             
“I love you too.”  It was all she said. Her words sat between them as she thought about which way to go next. “I do.  And I know you love me Grant. But, I don’t want to be your second choice.” She pressed her lips holding in the words she wasn’t sure she should say. “I think you are an amazing person. I have learned a lot from you about life, about love and about being me. You taught me to be strong, to be independent and to not be so entitled,” a few tears pushed down from her eyes, “but I do deserve more.” Sarah stood up, walked out the kitchen, up the stairs and into their room. She resurfaced ten minutes later with a duffle in her hand. 

Twenty-One

             
Sounds of nothing calmed her room as Gina slowly woke from a long nights rest. The sun was peeking in through her violet taffeta curtains making its way to cross her eyes. She rolled over to avoid the bright light and check the time on the antique clock her mother had given her.  It was round and in tarnished silver with numbers raised above the glass backdrop and two matching hands that tick-tocked away in a dull hum. Gina secretly cherished the clock.  Not only for its beauty but also for the fact that it was the one and only gift her mother had ever brought her from her travels.  9:26 a.m. 

             
“9:26!” Gina let out a childish giggle. She allowed herself the comfort of laying in bed, firmly tucked in, thinking about the fact that she had decided last night she would give herself permission to partake in whatever form of gluttony suited her at any moment, at any time over the course of the weekend.  She rubbed her hands over her face as she let out a large, long yawn and did the math in her mind.  Ten hours. Ten full hours of sleep.
Who does that…sober?
The last time she had gotten this much consecutive sleep without drinks may have been in the Yeahrs that her age was yet to be in double digits. The last thing she remembered from her indulgence of late night laziness was laying on the couch, watching
Pretty Woman
, eating double chocolate fudge frosting out of the can.  It was around 11:20 p.m., and the part where Julia Roberts goes on a shopping spree on Rodeo Drive, that Gina had her last memory. Some time during her half asleep daze she must have stumbled up to the bedroom and passed out. Although mindless television and laziness was becoming a close second, sleep seemed to be the only activity that would allow her mind and anxiety rest these days.  The exhaustion from the constant flow of tears and interrupted sleep were driving her crazy. Or maybe it was her being crazy that was driving her to fall into this behavior pattern, she couldn’t decide which. The raw emotion from her mess of a love life had taken over every space in her body. She had recognized this feeling of heartbreak from her sophomore Yeahr of high school when Chad Nichols broke-up with her. He had asked her to bring her friend April to a few parties he invited her to. Two weeks later Gina was no longer the girlfriend inviting a guest, but the guest of his new girlfriend. It took her another few outings to realize what had happened right before her eyes before the heartbreak kicked in. She quickly got over it in two days when Bobby, or Brandon or Brit or whoever asked her out. But, those two days of heartbreak, were feelings she never wanted to consume again. Here she was, ten Yeahrs later feeling that same mixture of anger, anxiety, hurt and despair not consuming her for a few days like it did in high school, but instead invading every cell of her being-for almost two months now.

             
There was an incredible comfort under her plush down comforter contributing to her unwillingness to move. She looked at the space around her noting everything was sparkling and in order from her cleaning escapades the night before. She took a look around her room admiring her work as she took in the smell of fresh linens and polished wood floors. The sweet summer air seeping in from her open window was warm and thick, but the breeze that brought it through made the outside air feel pleasant. The wind drifted the air into her room, mixing itself with the fresh scents about her. Looking at what she had done the night before made her tired again. She had cleaned every nook, every cranny, every square inch of her house before settling down to her favorite movie.

             
Thoughts of Grant followed by memories of Adam swarmed through her mind as they often did first thing in the morning.  She could not remember a morning since she called off the wedding that the dilemma of her life hadn’t tortured her mind. It was odd to her that her mind occupied itself so frequently with thoughts of Adam.  She felt not an ounce of regret for the decision that she had made. She assumed it was the guilt for being the one to call of the wedding and the relationship that took hold of her emotions.  The look on Adam’s face as he waved the invitations in the air had taken permanent residence in her memory. The thoughts and guilt of Adam never failed to be followed by memories and regret for all things Grant.  The whole saga had meshed itself together to become one big issue for her, leaving little time to ever feel calm and collected about where she was on the path of life.

             
The sounds of Mozart’s
The Magic Flute
broke her thoughts as it pierced the air.  A ring tone on her cell that informed her Ali was calling.

             
“Hello?”
“Hey. It’s me.  You busy?” Ali rattled off quickly.

             
“Ah, no, what’s up?”

             
“Chris is trying to paint the family room and the girls keep getting in the way.  You mind if we come over for a bit?”

             
“Sure,” Gina replied.  She held the phone between her cheek and neck as she struggled to put a rubber band around her shoulder length brown hair.

             
“You okay?” Ali asked.

“
Yep.”

             
“You sure?”

             
“Yeahh, I’m fine.” She replied, with more enthusiasm then before.

             
“Okay, see you in a bit.”

             
Gina ended the call on her cell and set it back down on her nightstand.  She stretched her arms up in the air, releasing some of the tension that had formed in her back.  Another quick breeze shot in through her open window. She looked outside to the bright warm sun that had started the morning and decided that being a lazy sun worshiper suited her feelings.  She hopped out of bed, and moved through her room, past the bathroom and grabbed a towel out of the linen closet before heading down the stairs and to the deck through the double doors off the living room.  The deck was not large; room enough to hold two lounge chairs and a small drink table.

             
As she walked out through the doors she could feel the morning sun beating down onto the deck warming the bottoms of her feet. Although still early for the sun to be very hot, the temperature seemed to be just right to send a warm wave through her body. Covering the lounge chair with her cotton beach towel, she laid down to relax in the sun in the thin strapped tank and tiny shorts she wore to bed the night before. She emptied her thoughts and laid her head back resting in the morning sun, slowly drifting off into a sleep that was less than needed.

             
“DING DONG!”

             
The ring of the doorbell quickly woke her from her half sleep induced trance. “The kids are here,”
she mumbled. Although Gina adored the twins, the idea of being amongst happy energetic children drained her solemn mood. A car door slammed followed by footsteps beating up to the front door.  Awaiting the doors to fly open and the sound of children to fill the silence, Gina squeezed her shut-eyes together as if to absorb out the sounds that were about to explode into her ears. 

             
Instead, the bell simply rang again.