Breaker (Ondine Quartet Book 4) (53 page)

“What’s that?”

“Hope,” he said dryly. “It’s the story of the war from a nix point of view. Jourdain and the Shadow supposedly bind together at the end. Nixes would be free from both and would no longer be at the mercy of either power. We’d be free.” He spread his arms. “Bam. Happily ever after.”

It was the first time I’d ever heard of it.

“When you say bound together, you mean like how ondines bind with their mates?”

Holden shrugged.“I guess. Like all fairy tales, there are different versions floatin’ around. Thought it was some sort of bizarre ritual like Frankenstein and his bride.”
 

His tone made it clear he thought the story was nothing more than frivolous fantasy.

I found it odd. The war began because Jourdain hadn’t returned the Shadow’s affections and had fallen in love with a human.

How would it end with them bound together?
 

“Is that why you asked me here?” Holden asked impatiently. “To ask about a childhood fairy tale?”

“No.” I took a deep breath. “I need your help.”

A long silence.

He blinked. “Sorry, did you just say you needed my help?”

“You survived alone for years. You took care of the others and kept them safe. I need to accomplish things, but I’m outside the power structure now. No one trusts me, least of all the Council. I need your help on how to get things done.”

I didn’t want someone who’d been a leader through normal channels. There was an abundance of them in Haverleau: Catrin, Tristan, Ancelin, even Patrice and other members of the Council.

What I needed was someone who’d been on the outside. Someone who knew how to lead and accomplish goals while still remaining free of the system.

Holden was the only one who fit the bill.

For a long moment, he simply sat there, sizing me up.

Finally, a nod. “You need to do a deal.”

“Fine.” I’d expected a trade. “What do you want?”

He shook his head. “Not a deal between us. The solution. You need to strike a deal.”

“I’ve been trying, but I haven’t been able to —“

“Then you ain’t trying hard enough.” He leaned forward. “Everyone, every single living being, has something she wants. You gotta be the one to give it.”

“And what if she has everything she already wants?”

“Impossible.” His eyes gleamed with challenge. “Who are we talking about?”

I hesitated.

He raised his brow. “You’re the one askin’ for my help.”

I crossed my arms and leaned against the table.

“The Governor.”

If I wanted to reinstate the ondine training program, I needed to go through Patrice.
 

Holden let out a low whistle. “Tall order.”

“She has everything. Power, money, status. There’s nothing I can give her —“

“But you’re an Empath. You know what people want ain’ always ‘bout power, money, or greed.” He shrugged. “Most of the time it is, but not always.”

I closed my eyes. My last meeting with Patrice floated before me. She’d stood in the moonlight, vulnerability aging her face.
 

More than anything, I want a chance to do it over.
 

“There is something.” I opened my eyes. “She wants her past back.”

“And you’re sure you can’t give it to her?”

The answer effortlessly presented itself as if it’d been waiting in my mind all along.

Family doesn’t always start out of love or blood. They can be forged out of necessity. Sometimes compromises must be made for larger goals.

I stared at him.
 

His mouth curved. “You know.”

“I…” I stopped. “I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s going too far.”

He held my gaze. “Did you feel that way with Ian?”

I’d felt an infinite range of emotions on that mountain. Everything from the deepest despair to the most volcanic rage.
 

But I’d never questioned what I did.

“No.”

“Because you knew it was what you had to do.” He stood. “You’ve always had the answers, Irisavie. I don’ need to tell you anything.”

“Then why did I ask for your help?”

“‘Cause you wanted someone to validate it.” He came forward and patted my shoulder. “You ain’t a terrible person for doing what you believe is right. Even if it doesn’t go right. But you will be if you don’t at least try.”

Even if it meant living with the weight of regret.

This was a weight I needed to bear in order to do what was right.

Except this time, the consequences weren’t for the dead.

They were for the living.

THIRTY-TWO

Such a tiny thing to wield so much power.

Nanette had brought him over an hour ago and I’d spent the entire time staring at him. He was so little, so untouched.

He’d never met his father and he wouldn’t remember what his mother looked like. But if it was the last thing I did, I’d make sure he knew how much Brigette had loved him.

Nathaniel wrapped his tiny hand around my index finger and gurgled happily.

His grip was surprisingly strong.

“Maybe you’ll be a chevalier someday, too,” I muttered.
 

His eyes widened and he gave a drool-ridden chortle. The little guy was kind of cute.
 

“Your dad was a chevalier —”

“His uncle and great-uncle, too. Also, his temporary guardian. Poor guy is surrounded by them.”

I turned. Julian leaned against the doorway, watching me with hooded eyes.

“You didn’t have to come.”

In fact, I’d almost expected he wouldn’t.
 

He watched me for a moment longer then joined me by the bassinet. “Figured you might need back-up when dealing with her.”

I didn’t but I appreciated the thought behind it.

“Although I must say, sweet iris, this wasn’t the way I thought I’d first get into your bedroom.”

“Take what you can get, LeVeq.”

It wasn’t my place to tell Julian what Patrice said about her and Jeeves. But I’d hoped that coming with me to face her would provide both of them with the opportunity to say the things that needed to be said.

His mouth quirked up. “Is that what this is? A consolation, pity prize?

“No. It’s because for some inexplicable reason, I actually like you and thought this might be something that could help.”

“Because I’m your friend. Like Ian.”

I exhaled. “Look, I know how you feel about that but —“

“What you did for Ian was the bravest thing I’ve ever seen.” No trace of humor remained on his face. Only an earnest seriousness. “I don’t know if I could ever be that brave.”

I stared at him. “Of course you could.”

“You might be the only one that believes that.” He looked down at Nathaniel who was now fascinated by the stuffed turtle beside him. “Are you sure about this?”

“Brigette saw it. That’s why she gave me custody of him.”

I will give you what you need.

How terrible it must’ve been for her, to make the choice she did knowing what would eventually happen to her son.

It was why I’d finally decided to do this. If Brigette hadn’t wanted this for her son, she wouldn’t have given me custody.

I would carry out her wishes.
 

Julian grabbed the small bag of supplies beside the basinette and opened the door for us. I gingerly picked up Nathaniel praying he wouldn’t flip out on me.

He blinked once, twice, then instinctively cuddled closer to my chest.

I froze.

I walked around carrying blades and lethal weapons all the time.

But holding someone so tiny, so defenseless, was utterly terrifying.

“Come on, badass,” Julian murmured. “You’re doing okay.”

I took a deep breath and forced my shoulders to relax. Side by side, we walked down the stairs, through the Royal Gardens, and into the Governing House.

Julian knocked.

“Come in,” she called out.

He touched the doorknob, then hesitated.

“You don’t need to do this,” I murmured.
 

“Yes, I do.” He glanced at me. A glimpse of that rare naked vulnerability peeked through his eyes again. “Partners, remember?”

I nodded.

His expression blanked and he opened the door.

“Oh.” Patrice startled. Her pale hand touched her throat. “Julian, I…I wasn’t expecting you.”

“Hello, mother.”

She swallowed, her gaze darting to me then to the baby in my arms. Her eyes widened. “Is that —“

“Nathaniel Genevieve.”

She moved out from behind her desk and joined us. For a long moment, she simply stared at him.
 

Nathaniel stared back.

She lifted her hands. “May I?”

I passed him over to her. She carefully drew him in as if she held the most precious thing in the world.

 
Patrice would rather find her redemption in someone else’s child than her own.

Julian watched her, his face blank.

“Augustin drew up the papers,” she said, her eyes locked onto the baby. “I gain full custody of little Nathaniel —“

“In exchange for reinstating the ondine training program and keeping the Council off our backs, including the new weapon production program under Aubrey Rossay.”

She glanced up. “Yes. I’ve already signed the papers. They’re on my desk.”

I picked up the documents and looked everything over one last time. As usual, Jeeves’ work was impeccable.

In exchange for becoming Nathaniel’s legal guardian, Patrice was essentially giving us the freedom to do what we wanted without political interference.

There were limits, of course. I couldn’t start a riot in the middle of the street or blatantly break the law in front of residents. Nor could I ask the Council to fund or support my efforts publicly.

But I was a chevalier and had the backing of my men, under Gabe’s leadership. Gardinels naturally fell under Tristan and Garreth’s command, but Ancelin had also assured my status among his people.

Patrice was essentially giving me carte blanche over a secondary system within the current government.

I signed the papers. A riot of contradictory emotions warred within me.
 

Disgust at her for agreeing so easily to this. Disgust at myself for offering it. Crippling doubt as to whether doing this sent me past the point of no return.

Triumph I was getting what I wanted and nauseous guilt that I felt that way when the cost had been a child’s life.

Patrice murmured a few nonsensical words in a soothing tone and moved back to her seat behind the desk. Cradling Nathaniel in her arms, she leaned back and smiled, her finger gently caressing his chubby cheeks.

I was going to have to get this ball rolling.

“Why did you want custody over Nathaniel?” I prompted.

Her fingers nervously touched the blanket tucked around him. “You know why.”

Oh, no you don’t
. “I’d like to hear it directly from you.”

“Brigette should never have given full guardianship over Nathaniel to an eighteen-year-old ondine without a job.”

I had to give her credit. Her ability for bullshit was remarkable.
 

“Marquisa, I do have a job. I’m a chevalier —”

“An ondine with a dangerous job and no other family or back-up,” she amended. “Nathaniel belongs with a solid Redavi family and as head of my—“

“Is it worth it?”

Patrice glanced at her real son. His face was an icy mask.
 

“Excuse me?”

Julian gestured at the marble and mahogany in the office. “Is gaining custody of Nathaniel worth giving up all this?”

For a few moments, she remained silent. Then she refocused her attention on the baby.
 

“I haven’t given it up,” she said quietly.

“You’ve given Kendra authority over the war and essentially made yourself a figurehead.” Julian crossed his arms. “After everything you went through to acquire that seat, it seems odd.”

Two pairs of eyes, an identical shade of dark blue, met over the Governor’s desk.
 

Come on.

She broke the gaze first. “You wouldn’t understand.”

“Marquisa —“

“No.” Julian said. “I guess I wouldn’t understand what it means to have lost a family in exchange for power and status.”

She flinched but didn’t respond.

Julian made an exasperated sound and headed for the door.

“I…” Patrice hesitated.

Julian slowly turned to face her.

Tell him what he needs to hear from you.

But some things were too much to hope for.
 

“I wanted it to be different,” she said weakly.

Julian stared at her hands, at the way she cradled Nathaniel in her arms.
 

“At least now you have the son you always wanted,” he said quietly then left.

It’d been Patrice’s chance to do it over.
 

But she’d wanted to do it for herself, not for anyone else.

I left the Governing House with a bewildered ache in my chest wondering if I had really become the soulless person Aubrey once accused me of being.

My steps echoed through the cavernous Council Chamber. The Summoning Pool glistened under the floor lights, its still surface an opaque blue-black.

Empath connected me to the water and I plunged in.

I followed the tunnels out to the ocean then tracked the faint trace of magic weaving through the waters.
 

An empty, melancholic vista greeted me. No fish, selkies, or dessondines. Only the occasional sharp ridge of rock, the soft sweep of an undulating frond against my skin.

Elementals make such a show of indicating how different they are from us, when really there is not much that divides Jourdain’s children from my own.

The cool ocean echoed with the Shadow’s words.
 

In the darkness of GrandView, it was easy to insist we were different because we didn’t have to face our actions in the harsh light of day.

But I’d just bartered a baby to achieve a necessary political goal. The war continued to be fought because two immortal beings could not reconcile their own personal flaws and we, their children, were the soldiers they used to hurt the other.