Breaking Free (25 page)

After a few moments, I
continue reading the instructions.  When I get to the section that covers his medications, I point to one that’s familiar.  “I’m on that.”

“Yeah?”

I nod and read the others, but I don’t know what they are.

“It’s supposed to help s
tabilize my mood,” he explains.

“That’s probably what it does for me, too.”

I skim through the rest of the instructions, but everything else is pretty straight forward like if he becomes unconscious, we’re supposed to rush him to the hospital.  I don’t need a doctor to tell me that.

“Okay, I’ll keep him compliant,” I tell Na
na, folding the papers in half.

“On all counts?”

“Yes.”

“I’m trusting you.”

“I won’t let you down.”

She smiles and
nods, making me think she’s pretty fond of me, swearing, sex, and everything else.  I can’t believe I’m surrounded by four people who accept me for who I am.  They know my flaws, big and small, and can look past them.  The only other person who’s ever done that in my life was Jenna.

JC reach
es for my hand, which I happily give to him.  He laces his fingers through mine and squeezes.  I remember all the hours I lay next to him praying that he would do that very thing and can’t believe how far we’ve come since then.

“Are you going to cry again?” he asks, moving his arm to around my s
houlders and pulling me closer.

“Maybe.”

Chapter 40
:  November 20

The next five days
go by too quickly.  I want to cherish every moment I have with JC since I know too well how easily you can lose someone in a heartbeat, but time speeds by no matter by how much I try to slow it down.

We’ve gotten in a routine with the additional people in our house.  The first day, my dad got up early and made French toast, one of his best dishes, for everyone, but after one bite, Nana decided she needed to educate him on the art of cooking.  Now the two of them work side-by-side in the morning.  He’s actually come a long way in just a couple days.

I drop JC off at school every morning and then pick him up afterwards.  Because I have cheerleading, he goes to the library to do homework until I arrive.  That works well for him since he has double the assignments trying to make up everything he’s missed.

The cuss jar is getting full.
  It’s at $55 and growing daily.  Most of that is courtesy of me and my dad, although JC did stub his toe yesterday in front of Nana and let out an eight dollar string of expletives.  He’s now thinking about getting a job in order to afford freedom of speech.  Luckily, my dad is willing to support me as he sees nothing wrong with my language.  He just considers this whole thing an ongoing charitable donation. I guess it is a little more fun than writing out a ten-thousand dollar check at the end of the year like he used to do.

It’s Friday evening
and I asked JC out on a date.  I don’t have anything big planned, but thought it would be nice to spend some time alone.  After taking Daisy for an early walk, I wait for him in the living room.  He was supposed to be ready five minutes ago, but he’s still not here.  I decide to turn on the television and flip through channels while I wait.

Just as I’m getting into something on MTV, there’s a knock on the back door.  I look up
and JC is standing there in khakis, loafers, and a button-down shirt.  He’s beyond hot.  As I stand up to let him in, I wonder if there will ever be a time when the sight of him doesn’t take my breath away.  I hope not.

When I get to the door,
I glance down at my jeans and sweatshirt and decide I need to change and quickly come up with better plans.

Letting him in
, I ask, “Why did you knock?”  His family has been coming and going out of our house all week.

“Because it’s a date.  I felt weird barging in.”

“That’s ridiculous.  I’m going to change,” I say over my shoulder as I rush to my bedroom.

“I thought I was running late.”

I close the door partially, so I have a little privacy but can still talk to him.  “I didn’t realize we were dressing up.”

“Oh, we don’t have to.”

“No, this is good,” I say searching through my closet.  “Ever since camping this summer, I haven’t really spent much time on my appearance.  I should look nice for you.”

“You could be wearing a trash bag and you’d look nice.”

I throw on a pair of black skinny jeans, black knee-high boots, a pink blouse, and a silk scarf.  I round out the whole outfit with some dangly silver earrings.

When I
open my door wide I ask, “Is this better than a trash bag?”

His eyes
rake over my body and then he rushes in, picks me up, and kicks my door closed.  “Change of plans, we’re staying here.”  He carries me to my bed and tosses me on top of it.

“We can’t,” I say, laughing.

He falls next to me.  “Why not?”

“It’s Friday.  There’s someplace special I go every Friday.”

“And you want me to go with you?”

I nod.

With an exaggerated sigh, he says, “This will have to wait then.”

“Yes, for another three months.”

“You’re not buying into that whole doctor’s orders thing are you?”

I stand up and drag him with me. 
“I promised Nana.”

“
She won’t know.”

“
Not going to happen.  I won’t risk putting you into another coma for a couple seconds of …”

He raises his eyebrows.

“Amazing, mind-numbing bliss,” I say, kissing him.

“I see you haven’t given up on me after two failed attempts.”  He takes my hand a
nd leads me out to the garage.  “I could make it multiple couple seconds of amazing, mind-numbing bliss for you.  All night long, if you want.”

“Even more to look forward to.”

“One month?”

We
slide into my car and buckle up.  “Nope.”

“Two?”

I start the car.  “Nope.”  Reversing out of the garage, I say, “Three months from last week.  That means … the middle of February.”  With a laugh, I add, “Let’s say February 14
th
.  Happy Valentine’s day to us!”

He
doesn’t join me in laughter, but he does finally give up and we talk about school the rest of the way to the cemetery.  When we pull in, he doesn’t even question what we’re doing.  I’m sure he knows who we’ll be seeing.  I follow the circular drive around to her gravesite and then park the car.

We both get out and
then stand in front of her headstone.  “The plastic star is a nice touch,” he says.

“That was my contribution.”

“I thought it might be.  So, what do we do?”

“Sit.”  I tug him down next to me, both of us with half our backs against the granit
e.

“Now what?”

“We talk to her.”

“About what?”

“I usually talk about you.  Or her family.  Or sometimes school.  Want me to start?”

He nods.

“Hey, Jenna.  So, as you can see, this past week was quite a doozy.  This is JC.  Yes, the incredible, hot, out-of-this-world guy I couldn’t stop talking about for months.  I’m sure you’ll agree he’s by far the best looking guy I’ve ever dated.”

“I could get used to this,” he says,
sliding his arm around my back.

“
He made a miraculous recovery, changed his name, and fled to California to be with the woman he loves.  It’s the stuff of movies, really.”

“We could have our own romantic comedy.”

“I think we’re a little low on the comedy part.  We’ve got plenty of tragedy, though.  Is there such a thing as a romantic tragedy?”

“I think that’s called
Romeo and Juliet
,” he says, squeezing my waist.

“Oh.
”  My eyes wander to the valley below us as a light breeze causes red and yellow leaves to dance on their branches.  I’m glad Jenna has one of the best views in the cemetery.  “Let’s not end our story that way,” I say, turning to watch his face.

“Never.”

I lean into his body and tell him, “It’s your turn to say hi to Jenna.”

“Hi Jenna.  I hope I can live up to Mal’s expectations of me.  I’m not
nearly as good as she believes.  She’s by far the better person and deserves someone closer to her caliber.”

I squirm out of his grip and turn to face him.  “What t
he hell are you talking about?”

He holds out his hand like Nana waiting for payment of the
cussing fine.  I know he’s trying to be funny, but I push it away.  “What did you mean?”

“
Don’t be mad.”

“I feel like you’re setting this up so you can just walk away from me someday for no good reason.”

“That’s not what I’m doing.”

“Then
what
are you doing?”

“You’ll be the one who walks away from me.”

“Why would I do that?”

“
Because there are things about me you don’t know.”

The journal.  All those times he kept writing that he wanted to tell me something, but was afraid
of how I’d react.  What in the hell is this secret?  “Tell me.”

He bites his lip and
raises his head toward the sky.  Long moments pass, but he doesn’t say anything.

“Holy shit, you are driving me crazy right now.  Just spit it out.  What
is it?”

He looks at me with such intense, focused eyes, I feel my blood run cold.  This secret, whatever i
t is, is eating him up inside.

“This is what you wrote about in your journal, isn’t it?  The thing you were afraid to tell me back then.”

He nods.

“I love you
, okay.  Nothing is going to change that.  You’ve looked past all the shit I’ve done.  Why don’t you think I’ll do the same?”

“You’ve done nothing compared to this.”

I stand up and cross my arms over my chest.  “What is it?  You have like two seconds to tell me before I drive away and leave you here.”

“You wouldn’t leave me here.”

“You’re stalling again.”

“You don’t understand what it’s like.  I want to tell you so there are no secrets between us, but I’m afraid you’ll
leave me as soon as I do.”

“I won’t
leave you.”

I kneel down in front of him and hold his head in my hands.  “JC, I don’t know how else to convince you.  I’m not going anywhere.  You can tell me anything.  I won’t care.  We all make mistakes.  It happens.”

“We don’t all kill people,” he whispers.

“W—what?” I ask, sure I misunderstood him.

“I’ve killed someone, Mal.  With my bare hands.  I beat him to death with a fucking crow bar!”

I
drop my hands from his face and stumble backwards, remembering when he asked if that’s how I killed Jenna.  I had no idea he was basing what I thought was a ridiculous question on personal history.  I’m sure I appeared totally appalled when he asked me that months ago.

“Shit.”

“Exactly.”

“Why?”

He can’t even look at me.  He’s staring at the ground and a tear rolls down his cheek.  “The court says it was in self-defense.”

“
Did he have a weapon?”

“A gun
… initially.”

“What do you mean initially?”

“I kicked it out of his hand.  Then beat the shit out of him.”

“
Did you fear for your life?”

“No.  It wasn’t self-defense, Mal.
  He killed Jalen.  When I looked into his eyes, that’s all I could see.  I wanted to kill him like he killed my brother.  I knew he was dying and I kept doing it.  I was like a mad man.  Kicking and hitting.  I couldn’t stop …”

He pulls his knees to his ches
t and wraps his arms around them.  I crawl to his side and hug him.  “Shh … it’s okay, JC.”

“What if I snap like that again someday?”

“You won’t.”

“I almost did with Bling.  If he hadn’t knocked me out, I might have.”

“That’s why we’ve got our drugs and Marta.”

“I’m afraid.”

“I won’t let you ever do that again.  I promise.”

“How
exactly will you stop me?  You’re half my size.”

“I’ll remind you how the guilt eats awa
y at you and ruins your life.  How you can’t focus on anything else and suddenly your life becomes what you did.  Every person you pass on the street will look like him.  Every voice you hear on the radio will sound like him.  You’ll hide in your room covering your eyes and ears, but never be able to get rid of the image of those last moments.  The last moments that you’d do anything to take back.  Those moments that will haunt you forever.  I’ve been there, JC.  I know how it feels even if I wasn’t directly responsible for a death.”

He looks up, revealing swollen eyes.  “You were right in the woods.  I hate myself for what I did.  He killed Jalen, but I still hate myself for killing him. Then, I hate myself for
giving a fuck about such a worthless piece of shit.”

“Have you talked to Marta?”

“She thinks it was self-defense.  Whenever I say I feel guilty, she tells me I acted how I needed to act to save my life.”

“You have to tell her the truth.”

He shakes his head.  “I can’t.  If they think it wasn’t self-defense, they’ll send me to prison.”

“No.  It’s privileged information.  She can’t tell anyone else.  Plus, they’ve been continuously trying to kill you.
”

“They’re trying to kill me because I
took out their number two.”

Suddenly it all makes sense.  This is why Bling was after JC.
  Retribution.

I turn his head towards me so he’s looking at my face. 
“They’re a gang, JC.  He killed a seven-year old child.  No one is going to have sympathy for him.  You made the world a better place by getting rid of him.”

“I keep trying to tell myself that, but it doesn’t help.”