Breaking Free (15 page)

“Nic, I need your help.”

“Holly? What’s wrong?” she says, trying to stifle a yawn in the process.

I take a deep breath, attempting to hold my breakdown at bay. “I need money for a plane ticket. I’ll tell you everything, I promise, but I need to get home.”

“Okay, I’ll transfer you some money now.”

“Thanks, love you.”

I hang up. We use the same bank, and have transferred each other money for different things before, so I know I don’t need to give her my info. My phone beeps I look down to find a text from her.

Nicole: I just sent you $1500, same day flights can be expensive. Please tell me you’re okay?

I text her back that I’m fine and I will let her know what time I’m landing. I’m not fine, though. Aside from my heart being shattered, I think I may have broken my hand. It’s swollen to almost three times its size and I can’t move it without an immense amount of pain.
Just fucking great.

I text Nicole once I book my flight but I tell her my arrival time is a few hours later then it really is. Once I land, I head straight for the hospital—my hand is throbbing and it’s huge. After two hours of being in the emergency room, it turns out I fractured my hand just below my knuckle. The funny part is that they call it a boxer’s fracture. They put my hand in a splint and tell me that I need to keep it on for three weeks. The wedding is in a month, so thankfully it will be off before then. I text Madison, knowing that she will be the one to freak out the least when I tell her I need to get picked up from the hospital.

The only catch is that when she pulls up, Christen and Nicole are with her. It’s a damn miracle that they kept Carter away. As soon as I get in the car, I’m bombarded with questions. ‘What happened to your hand?’ ‘What happened with Drew?’ ‘Why did you need money for a plane ticket in the middle of the night?’

“Girls, can we stall this until we get home?”

Nicole turns around in the front seat. “Fine, but you aren’t escaping this, Holls. It’s time to spill.”

I nod my head. “Are the boys home?”

Christen wraps her arm around me. “No, I told Shawn to take the boys out for the day. He’s the only one who knows you’re back.”

I rest my head on her shoulder, even though the pain is still there from the contact, thanking God that I have such amazing friends. When we get to the house, I head straight for my room, of course with everyone else in tow. I sit down in the middle of the bed and that’s when it happens. Everything I’ve held in for the last few hours comes spilling out. I’m sobbing uncontrollably, letting the reality of my situation hit me.

I lost him. I lost him because I’m so fucked up in my own head.
Mads rubs my back and I jump.

That’s when Nicole interrupts my pity party. “Listen, babe, we’re gonna let you cry until everything is fucking gone, but then you’re gonna talk to us.” I look up at her. “About
everything
.”

I nod my head, not ready to be done crying yet, not ready to accept that he walked away from me. After what feels like hours, I realize I can’t cry anymore, and I know I need to start talking.

I take a deep breath. “If any of this is going to make sense, I’m going to need to start at the beginning…”

I tell them the whole story, how I can’t stand to be touched, how Drew was the only person that made me feel normal, and how my secret is the thing that pushed him away.

“No.” I look up at Nicole. “Don’t you
dare
blame yourself for the way that asshole acted.
His
shit is what ended the relationship,
not
yours.”

While I know she might be right, I can’t accept it. If I wasn’t as screwed up as I am, Drew and I might have been able to make it work.

“So, I know you might not be up for this, Holly, but I would really like it if you came with us today.” I think back as to what the heck today might be. “My wedding dress and the bridesmaids’ dresses finally came in.”

Shit.
I don’t want to be an asshole and say no but I also don’t want to ruin her day. “Honestly, I think me and my love hating self will stay home. Right now, I hate love and any symbols of it and I don’t want to go psycho on the dresses.” I can tell she’s disappointed, but I also know if I go it won’t be much better.

“Okay, I understand.” I know she does, too. Madison is just like that—selfless, caring, and understanding.

“You want me to stay here with you?” Christen looks over at me.

I shake my head. “You guys go. I won’t be much company, and honestly, I just want to drown my sorrows. I think the best way to do that is some wine and some Channing Tatum.” That’s exactly what I do.

I’m perfectly content, halfway through my second bottle of Moscato, and watching Magic Mike when my phone goes off.

Drew: I’m so fucking sorry

What the heck am I supposed to say to him? I don’t care that he’s sorry. I hate him for the way that he treated me.

Drew: Please talk to me.

No. I can’t. Even being thousands of miles away from him, he
still
has a hold on me. I can’t talk to him or I
will
give in and I don’t want that.

He calls and I send it straight to voicemail, but not surprisingly, he leaves a message. I delete it before I am tempted to listen to it. Then I decide maybe he needs to understand how serious I am.

Me: I don’t think that you get that I am done with you. I hate you for what you did and the way you treated me. I hate you for making me feel safe when I wasn’t. I hate that I let myself trust you, only for you to turn around and crush me. Leave me alone. I don’t ever want to see you, or hear from you again.

By the time I’m done typing, I’m a mess. Wine and movies are not going to fix this; the only thing that will give me any relief is passing out. I cry myself to sleep, hating the situation that I’m in and hating the fact that I’m too weak to deal with it.

I wake up in Drew’s bed in the middle of the night. He isn’t next to me but I hear voices.

“Thanks man, I owe you.”

“Have fun.”

I can hear footsteps retreating downstairs and then the door opens. That’s when I see the last person in the world I thought I would ever see again. Chris. He’s smiling at me in a way that makes my skin crawl.

“I told you I would have you, that you were mine.” He lunges for me but I jump off the bed.

“Drew!” I scream for him. I wish I was strong and could handle this myself, but I’m not. I need him.

“He isn’t coming to save you.”

He lunges for me again and this time he catches my leg as I try to move away from him. Before I know it, he’s on top of me and holding my hands above my head.

“Now let’s finish what I started last time.”

I wake up out of breath and sweating.

They’re back. Just great.

Chapter Thirteen

This past month has been absolute fucking hell. Drew called and texted constantly the week after we broke up. He must have finally gotten the hint because I haven’t heard from him at all this past week. The wedding is tomorrow, and as I look in the mirror, I take in how horrible I look. My eyes have huge bags under them because sleeping has now become impossible. The dreams are back on a nightly basis, but the worst part is that some of them have Drew in them and it’s like a knife to my heart.

I’ve lost at least ten pounds because I’ve had absolutely no appetite. I need to at least make an effort to look presentable tomorrow so I decide to take a shower. For the first time since leaving Drew, I try to be happy. I know I’m not doing the best job at it but it’s a huge step from what I’ve been doing. Nicole caught me last night and went nuts on me. I have been Googling his name and then reading every article and examining every new picture. I’m slowly driving myself insane, but I need to see him, even if it’s only on a computer screen.

As I lie in bed staring at the ceiling, I vow to try to start living again, even knowing that I will be doing it alone.

I’m in a hallway that is all white with doors lining both sides. None of them stand out, but I know that one of them is the exit. The first door I open is just an empty room. So is the second, third, and fourth. I’m getting really tired of all these damn doors.

The next one I open is set up like Drew’s dressing room. He and Leslie are on the couch having sex. My hand shoots up to my mouth as I shake my head no. Drew’s eyes meet mine and he smiles. “You just gonna stand there or you want to join us?”

I slam the door closed as tears sting my eyes.

I apprehensively move to the next door. When I open it, there’s nothing there. I breathe a sigh of relief until someone pushes me from behind and I go flying into it. I turn around to see Chris.

My eyes frantically scan the room—no weapons, no windows, and no way out. I want to curl up in a ball and cry in the corner. I want to just let him get me and have this all end. I want…I want this to be over. How can it ever be over, though, when I give him control over me?

I stand up straighter and look him in the eye. As he takes a step toward me, I don’t flinch and I don’t run. I can’t run from him anymore. If I’m ever going to be okay, I can’t run.

“I’m not scared of you anymore.”

He laughs a maniacal laugh before lunging at me. I quickly move out of his way and he goes crashing into the wall.

“I am not going to run from you anymore.”

His face contorts and he screams as he charges at me once more. I easily dodge him and make my way over to the door, turning to him as I open it. “I’m done with you.” I close the door, hoping that I conquered my fear and that maybe this means I conquered him.

When I wake up in the morning, I remember my entire dream. The thing that surprises me is that I didn’t wake up screaming or in a panic.

My door opens and Christen walks in. “You ready to go get pretty, girl?”

I pull the covers over my head and groan. I’m dreading today so much. Granted, I love my brother and Madison, but this is not good for me. The last thing I want right now is to be around all of these couples in love because all it does is make me miss him. Then I hate myself for it because I know I shouldn’t.

Everyone keeps asking me why I care so much. We only knew each other for a few days, but then his mom’s advice keeps ringing in my head. Fuck time. I loved him and he screwed me over. It doesn’t matter if we were a day, a month, or a year into the relationship. I miss him so much that it’s like I can’t fucking breathe sometimes. I need him more than I could have ever imagined needing anybody.

He showed me, though, that when push came to shove he would run. He would run to the first pair of fucking legs that opened for him, and he didn’t give a shit what it did to me. I hate Drew Walker.

I look into the mirror and am amazed that they were able to make me look normal and put together because on the inside I’m everything but that. My hair hangs in long curls framing my face. The dress Madison picked out is a lavender strapless dress that stops just above the floor. She gave us all simple stud earrings and necklaces, and my heels are silver and already starting to hurt my feet.

We are instructed to line up and I can tell she’s nervous. I’m the first to walk down the aisle, and as I do, tears come to my eyes. I see my brother’s face and I can tell that is what love looks like. As I am listening to the ceremony and the vows, all I can wonder is if this will ever be me. Will someone ever love me enough to marry me? My hopes aren’t very high, though, because even if they did love me, I couldn’t tolerate them touching me. No man, no matter how amazing he is, will marry you if he can’t touch you.

I think of Drew and how much hope I had for us.

“You may now kiss the bride.”

I look over to see Carter and Mads and it makes me smile. They kiss and then gleefully turn to their family and friends with their joined hands in the air as the priest says, “I now introduce Mr. and Mrs. James.”

Everyone is cheering and clapping as we make our way down the aisle and get ready for pictures. We stand and smile and pose for what feels like forever. By the end of the shoot, my heels are covered in dirt from sinking into the ground and my hair looks like a hot mess. When the photographer finally utters the heavenly words ‘we’re done’ we all breathe a collective sigh of relief.

The reception is beautiful and the food is amazing. The only horrible part of the whole thing is watching everyone here. The slow dances are the worst. The fact that everyone I love has someone but me hits me hard. I get up, needing to get some air, but a song starts that sounds like it’s live and not from the speakers, and I hear everyone around me gasp.

I turn toward the piano that’s playing and that’s when I see him. Drew. Fucking. Walker. I have half a mind to go up to him and hit him again, but I just recently got my hand back so I decide not to do that. The boys have all just now noticed his presence and they all move toward him. However, they are no match for the girls on their arms restraining them.

What the hell is he doing here?
I mean, I invited him, but that was when we were together.
Before
he broke my heart. The piano continues to play and Drew never breaks eye contact with me. He’s dressed in a suit, a lot like the one he wore to the Grammy’s, and the sight of him is still enough to make me weak in the knees. Drew starts to walk toward me until he’s standing right in front of me. When he brings the microphone to his mouth, I gasp.

Once in a lifetime

You find what you’re looking for

But what happens when you’re once in a lifetime

Walks out the door?

You can’t bring her back

She’s gone because of you

You can’t live without her

And you don’t know what to do